Interview with Pywacket
By Katie Harris
July 21, 2001

When did you post your first story under the name Pywacket and what was it?

The first story was "Impure Thoughts," and it was posted March 2001.

How long had you been involved in The X-Files fanfic world (reading and writing under another name) before you decided to write NC-17?

I started reading XF reviews and then fanfic, probably around the time of FTF. It took me years to get up the courage to write fanfic. I started writing about two years ago, originally under my own name. I've regretted that but was reluctant to go through the hassle of changing the name on all the stories and all the places those stories ended up. I'd been reading erotica almost from the beginning of my XF days, but was really timid about writing it under my own name. I know other authors who do it, and I think that is really brave. Finally, after hearing the thoughts of other authors who branched out and wrote alternative fics under pseudonyms, I decided to do it. Took a couple of years, though.

Did you post it immediately?

I made the decision that I'd write a NC-17 story as soon as I had a good idea. It took a while for an idea to hit me, but when it did, I wrote the story quickly. From beginning to end, it probably took two weeks for writing, polishing and then finally posting.

When were the other two written?

Exorcism in Blue and All the Time in the World were posted late March and mid May--so not too much time. I haven't had any ideas of late for NC-17 stuff, and have been busy with a long piece from my "regular" name.

Why a pseudonym? Why "Pywacket"?

I began writing under my own name. I'm just not comfortable with writing erotica as myself. It seems too personal. If any of my employees, or my kids should find my stories under my regular name, I would be a little embarrassed only because fan fiction has a bit of a stigma as bizarre behavior, but I wouldn't worry about the stories themselves. I would feel very differently if they found the erotica. I'm not ashamed of the writing, but I would feel very exposed.

Pywacket is the name of the black cat in a wonderful 1950's film with Jimmy Stewart and Kim Novak. Novak plays a 20th century witch and Stewart is the mortal man who falls in love with her. I always loved the movie and the name. It's a little bit wicked... and so is my Pywacket writing.

Have you found it difficult to write under a secret name and still maintain your own unique style of writing, or has it been "freeing" in a way?

Great question. In Impure Thoughts, which in many ways is the most explicit of the stories, I consciously tried to avoid any phrasing that might be picked out as typical for my regular name. I went back and rewrote a couple of lines that sounded too "me." The other two stories are much more typical of what I write under my regular name, just kicked up a whole bunch in the graphic aspects. I don't mind that much if people figure it out, and I will "out" myself occasionally.

As long as my name and Pywacket don't become linked anywhere concrete, I'm okay with it. I'm proud of what I've written under both names. It is rather "freeing" though. I don't use a beta under Pywacket--I've had friends offer, but I still feel too self-conscious. I do a kind of self beta--letting the story rest for a day or two and then attacking it like a tough beta would. I still miss things, though. I couldn't have written Impure Thoughts under my own name. I think people would have figured out the little twist at the end much more quickly if they had read my other stories. Mulder picking a woman up in a bar wouldn't have been as plausible.

All three of your stories have made it to various recommendation pages such as The Primal Screamers and Just Duckies. Were you relieved to be so highly regarded or did it make you nervous to see your "naughty fic" out there?

I didn't know WHAT to expect. I truly had no preconceptions. I've always had a decent amount of feedback under my regular name, good rec numbers at Ephemeral and nice acceptance at recommendation sites. I didn't know what would happen. The interesting thing was, the recs at Ephemeral were still good, the rec sites still asked, but the amount of feedback was very small for the first story. I now have a whole new understanding of newbie authors. I didn't have a typical newbie experience. I had a great deal of attention right from the start. I'd hear newbie writers complain and couldn't relate, though I never doubted them. Now I can see that my experience was very atypical. New writers do have some acceptance issues.

Who were your influences in writing M/S erotica? Are you more attracted to the comedy or angst; cases or romance?

I love angst, casefiles and romance. I'm not that big on humor as a separate genre. I find a lot of humor fics just blah, or trying to hard to be funny. I love dark, bitter humor woven into a casefile. I am a bit older than Mulder and Scully, so I guess I prefer to see their relationship portrayed as very adult. I don't care for a lot of petty jealousy and teenage level "should we?, no we mustn't" waffling. I try to write them as flawed, angsty but very adult people who know the score. I write them that way whether the material is erotic or more mainstream.

What is it about the M/S relationship that you like to write about?

I've always been fascinated by people who can come through great tragedy and pain and be stronger and wiser for it. I think that we've watched Mulder and Scully go through a lot of trials. They've been out of sync a lot on those trials, with Mulder much more damaged in the beginning and Scully relatively normal. Then we saw Scully begin to come apart from all the things that happened to her. Mulder was healing gradually, after having Scully in his life, but she was still in a lot of pain. We see them both emerge in season 7 from that pain, Scully having dealt with what happened to her and finally ready to greet Mulder on the level he hoped they would reach. I've written a lot from the season 7 atmosphere. These are grown ups who have come through the fire.

Do you feel that the chemistry on the show inspires you to write or do you write to enhance the chemistry? In other words, do you feel an empty void left by the show you need to fill, or is there so much sexual tension on the show that you have to explore it in your work?

I've never been upset by the ambiguity of the show. If I wanted everything spelled out for me, I'd watch soap operas. The chemistry is there for us in buckets. I tend to stay in the subtle end of the pool--hardly anything is ever fixed in my stories. They are still the flawed, broken people they were, just trying one day at a time to connect. Like the majority of the people I know in RL.

Love isn't always enough. What keeps Mulder and Scully together?

On one level, there is simply no one in the world that can understand what each of them has been through. I can't picture either Mulder or Scully with someone else, mainly because anyone else would run away terrified at missing time, alien abductions, chips in the neck, near death, mostly dead, black oil experiences. Mulder was a loner from the beginning, having few friends and a broken relationship with his family. Scully on the other hand was shown as pretty social. You can see Scully gradually pulling away from her family and friends through the course of the show. She does it to protect them and because she hasn't got a lot of free time, but more because they don't speak the same language anymore. She and Mulder speak the language.

Have you sensed that most "relationship writers" are trying to give something *back* to Mulder and Scully by writing about their romance, or is it merely a trend to put them in the sack?

I think that MSR writers are just more realistic than 1013. At one point, having two people sacrifice their personal lives and eschew a romantic relationship was cool and noble. They were both young. There was time. If the show had lasted the three seasons 1013 probably thought it would, it would have been fine. But 8 long years later, they aren't young. The sacrifice seems less noble and far more pathetic. Why the heck shouldn't attractive people who are obviously in love come together? After a while, the machinations to keep them apart become silly. Also, with the show finally allowing them to grow together, non-MSR stories just feel dated to me.

Your stories seem to be more Mulder-oriented than Scully (Scully giving pleasure to Mulder, Scully exorcising Mulder's demons. . .). Is that a conscious effort on your part or do you think it's just one interpretation?

Gee, that's interesting. I guess of the three stories I wrote under Pywacket, that would be true. I think it is a little less true for my work as a whole. But now you have me thinking. I'd like to say that it was just chance that these particular three stories are in that vein, but maybe it does say something about how I view them in terms of sex. On the other hand, you've given me an idea for another story--in the other direction!

Oh good. You took the bait, then <g>. You've written erotica from both Scully and Mulder's POV. Whose head is easier to get into? Who do you think would be the first one to break, so to speak, and make the first move?

I've always found it easier to get into Scully's head. Part of it is the gender thing--men think differently than women and I'm afraid I won't be able to carry it off. Also, Mulder is brilliant and I'm definitely not. That kind of white hot smart is hard to portray. I think Mulder was the first to clue in that he was seriously in love, though I think Scully had a crush on him in the first couple of seasons. But the cancer arc showed me that he was fully in love. Unfortunately, Scully was by then so damaged by her experiences, that I don't think she could accept his feelings. So I think he kept them to himself and waited her out. So the first move has to be Mulder's in a way, but the deciding move has to be Scully's. They both have some confidence issues, so when he makes a small overture, she needs to act and be pretty definite about it.

You've written three stories ("Impure Thoughts", "Exorcism In Blue", and "All The Time In the World"). Which is your favorite? Why?

Exorcism in Blue. I don't know exactly why, but I liked the way the words flowed there. It is based very loosely on a song and I think it captures the song's feeling well.

Which one was the hardest to write? Why?

I don't think any of them were hard to write. I struggled a bit more perhaps with ATTITW, but that might have been because RL was busy.

Do you hope to write more in the future? Would you like to write a longer, more X-Files related, NC-17 fic? Are there any possible angles you'd like to explore in the "relationship"? Or have you fulfilled the need to write erotica and want to concentrate on something else?

Oh, I think I'll write more. I don't know about something longer. I don't have any ideas in my head (except for the one you gave me above!) but I know there is more erotica to write. The challenge is writing sex in a fresh way. There are only so many ways to describe it after all!

I'd like to talk about your first story, "Impure Thoughts", now. So. Where'd this one come from?

I'm not really sure! I guess I wanted to write something really hot and the idea of strangers in a bar came to me.

This is an incredibly erotic story that ends with the kind of romance Mulder and Scully are so good at -- short, sweet, and completely lacking mush. What are your personal thoughts about it?

I wrote this from Mulder's POV and tried to have him completely in the role play. I wanted to get all the feelings out that an illicit meeting might bring. I wanted the danger and edginess of an affair, but I don't see either of them as of season 7 doing that. If I'd set it earlier, there wouldn't have been the feeling of temptation, as they would each have felt more like free agents. I like a non-mushy but very loving Mulder and Scully. I don't know how many people were fooled--it's hard to give just the right amount of clues and deceptions.

Your other stories are more about healing and reaffirming life. Was it a different experience for you to write something so blatantly sexual rather than just sensual?

Actually, it is probably harder for me to write the sexual scenes under my regular name. There are scenes that really need to be fairly explicit and I have to walk this really fine line to keep things no more than R rated but not sacrifice the honesty by being too general.

Scully is too often portrayed in fanfic as an "ice queen" or at least a more conservative lover than you have written her here. Did you approach this story wondering more what Mulder would enjoy *seeing* or who Scully would enjoy *being*, or both?

I have no problem with a reserved woman having a wilder side. I consider myself fairly reserved, but lord, you'd be amazed as what goes on in my head.....no wait--you wouldn't because that side of me is Pywacket. So Scully having an extremely sexual nature and being really not blatant about it is kind of like my split personality here. Scully has shown herself to have a rebel deep inside. Never Again is just one example of Scully's darker nature.

As I set this story quite a bit post 8th season, where Mulder and Scully would presumably be living a fairly conventional life, I think they would both have enjoyed the role playing. These are risk-taking folks who now have a child, maybe a mortgage. I can see Mulder loving her surprise and Scully loving her masquerade.

Was it difficult to break away from Scully's usual stereotype and still portray her "in character"?

I don't think the stereotype of Scully as 'ice queen' is necessarily in character. My vision of "in character" for Scully is a woman who has a reserved, orderly exterior with a rebel below the surface. She'd have needed that to cope with a military upbringing and still have the guts to resist her family's vision of her future.

I think Mulder and Scully could definitely have a wild side, but some stories take it to the extreme and violate the characters. Was it a struggle to remain true to them, and still explore the more daring side of their relationship?

I tried to keep the wild side definitely contained within the structure of a loving relationship. Yes, they love the danger and the feeling of wickedness, but they are too smart to actually put themselves or their relationship at risk. I've seen a trend lately, for erotica to go either darker or more extreme. I think writers believe that it has "all been done," and if they want to write sex scenes, they have to have violent sex between Mulder/Scully/Krycek/Skinner/Marita etc. Or they feel the need to give either Mulder or Scully some deep dark sexual secret that needs to be overcome. I think it is much harder to write sex in a fresh way and not resort to orgies or sexual dysfunction, but I like a challenge.

I personally believe that Scully would do anything for Mulder, even give her body to him, if that's what it took for him to heal. That's exactly what you've written in "Exorcism in Blue". What inspired you to write this one?

I don't think Scully would have permitted it if it felt wrong. If she felt it was destructive, or violent or hurtful. Mulder was reaching out for her sexually, but it was in love. If she felt uncomfortable with it, I have no doubt she would have handled it differently. She perceived it as a whole lot of lovemaking--comfort sex isn't a bad thing, if it is loving and if it isn't always one sided. I didn't go into it, but I see both of them as willing to give as well as receive.

The story was completely inspired by a song by Beth Nielsen Chapman called "Seven Shades of Blue," from her "Sand and Water" CD. Chapman lost her husband after a bout of cancer, and Sand and Water deals with that loss. I used a few phrases from the song in the story.

As the title so perfectly suggests, there is a great deal of melancholy throughout this story, even though it's ultimately about healing. What kind of process did you go through in writing this?

I listened to the song a lot. I'm a seacoast girl, so calling up the ocean, the images of the beach was easy. I also feel that sex is a major source of healing, certainly in my own relationship. My husband was the unwitting but lucky recipient of "getting in the mood."

Most people would agree that Mulder is completely riddled with angst and guilt. He is self-absorbed, single-minded, and sometimes very, very arrogant. He can also be very humane and compassionate and sensitive. You've captured a lot of these qualities in this story. How do you balance out Mulder's good with his bad?

Mulder is probably one of the richest and most varied characters of all times. Yes, he can be single-minded and self-absorbed. Brilliant people often are--their minds work so much faster than everyone else's that they are always 'out in front.' He is a 'big picture' kind of guy because he often is the only one who can see what is really happening. I'm not sure how to balance it, and I'm happy that a lot of people think I can do it. I guess it's just something that you know when you see.

Mulder's quest is often blamed for all the bad things that happen to him and to Scully. While it's true that The X-Files have led them into the lion's den on many occasions, 95% of the "bad stuff" has happened after Scully was assigned as his partner. How would Mulder be different without Scully? Would he be swallowed up by his guilt and go mad, or would he even be guilty to begin with?

Many of the bad things for Mulder happened before we ever see him. Scully, on the other hand, had a much less traumatic life. Her trauma came as an adult, not caused by Mulder, but definitely because of her connection to him. That has to have caused Mulder a lot of guilt, though I don't think Scully has ever seen him as the cause of her troubles. Actually, I think she'd be insulted by that concept--that she didn't have any self-determination at all. I think his guilt might have been lessened if he didn't meet her, but he was already carrying a heavy load from his childhood. She helped him see that he wasn't the cause of everything bad, mainly because she stayed with him--she obviously didn't hold him responsible, so he must have been able to feel that lack of blame. Love is very healing and I think they healed each other.

Mulder has said several times that Scully keeps him grounded with science and faith and love. What does Mulder do for Scully?

It's a two way street. Scully learned to fly through Mulder. Her science and rigidity kept her grounded, but in a way, kept her held back. Science is about possiblitities. I read somewhere--maybe a recent story--that she felt he made her a better scientist. She tells Karen Kossoff how much his passion has been her salvation. She writes about how much his belief in her mattered in Memento Mori. I wish she'd tell him that, but she isn't a 'talker' about such things under normal circumstances. I think he knows anyway.

Let's talk about your most recent story, "All the Time in the world." This is just such a sweet story. It has touch of melancholy in it, too-- Scully understanding that time is fleeting and wanting to make the most of it. Still, it is a lot more hopeful than "Exorcism in Blue", which is ironic because it ends on a darker note than "Exorcism" does. Was this fic inspired by an episode, another fan fiction, or something else?

The story was inspired by two things. First, another Beth Nielsen Chapman song from Sand and Water, called "All the Time in the World." The song has this really catchy tempo, but underneath, you can hear how she wishes she'd paid more attention to the moments of her late husband's life. The other inspiration was "Our Town." Since I read
that play in high school, I've been fascinated by the idea that we pass through this life and never realize how truly wonderful it all is. We worry about bills and what to cook for dinner and never realize that time is hurtling by.

It could have been very easy to make this story merely a romantic vignette and leave the demons that plague M/S out. Were you ever tempted to make this fluff?

I think I'm physically incapable of writing XF fluff. I can't see Mulder and Scully completely leaving the demons behind. They might put them in a box for a while, but they always know they are there. I was very, very upset recently to find that this story had been plagiarized and by an underage person.

Is it even possible (and/or plausible) to you to write Mulder and Scully without a tint of angst and still maintain their identities?

Not for me. I can't do it. I tend to write them as positive--trying their best to do the right thing. I like to think of them as working toward a better life together, but there is a level of angst at all times. It's inherent to them, and to remove it tosses them right out of character. That's not to say that they wallow in their sadness. I say it is always there, but I don't think they always need to be ruled by it.

"She and Mulder are not like most people. They have few illusions these days. The awareness is always with them, that everything they hold dear could be lost in one tick of the clock. They have learned that minutes slip away like water through fingers and can never be recovered" - Certainly, M/S are the poster children for disaster and their enemies have used everything but Kryptonite to manipulate or extinguish them. And yet, on the show, they do nothing but take time for granted: with each other, with their families, with their friends. What do you think their motivations are for this?

Living life in the moment is really tough. It is human nature to keep your eye on the horizon and keep on trucking. I've tried to stay aware of the amazing world around me and I can't maintain it very well at all. When the consortium was in full force, I think they were afraid to get closer to each other or anyone else. After some of that threat seemed less immediate, mid season 6, we saw them take time together on several occasions. I saw this, and the deepening of their relationship as enormously positive. Unfortunately, they didn't seem to carry that to their families, not that Mulder has any, but he did resist seeing his mother at the end--thinking he still had time.

What do you like about this story?

I love the idea of one person showing the other how much they are loved, using nothing but their bodies. It could have gone either way, but the gentle, reverent, worshiping kind of lovemaking is particularly healing and damn rare.

Ok, some general post-Season 8 questions now. How has "Existence" changed the way you look at Mulder and Scully or has it changed at all?

Yes and no. I've been of the mind that they were lovers during at least part of season seven. Could be as early as Goldberg Variations or as late as all things, but I think they were humping like bunnies. So, the final scene in Existence was basically a confirmation of what I'd believed all along--these two are in love, conceived William the old fashioned way and are preparing to spend their lives together. Now, the addition of a baby does cramp the style of writers a bit. Unless you want to write kid fic (which I don't have a problem with at all), you have to go AU or set your story in the past. Not a huge problem, really.

Since this is not likely to be explored in Duchovny's absence, how will baby William and "the kiss" affect the dynamic between Mulder and Scully? The X-Files?

I think the kiss sets them up nicely in our minds as together in some way. Babies have a habit of changing adult behavior. Mulder has undergone a lot of growth over the series run, as has Scully in a lot of ways. Mulder will need to continue to be less of a risk-taker and Scully will need to continue to be more emotionally open. They've already begun that growth--this just means they need to continue. And there is no more X-Files, per se, for Mulder and Scully. They are life partners, but not work partners as it stands now. It remains to be seen if Doggett and Reyes can be viable replacements.

Will you continue to watch the show? If yes, what would you like to see happen?

I will watch season 9, probably with less fervor than I watched the other years. My big fear is that they will negate Mulder in some way--not explaining his absense in a satisfying way. I'd hate for them to say he just drifted off or something. I've heard a few spoilers that were very vague, but not really scary, so I can't tell which way it will go. I'd prefer he be either an offscreen presense in Scully and William's lives, not in the Maris Frasier way--much more subtle than that. A big old pair of sneakers by Scully's door, not referred to at all, or Scully being asked how Mulder is...."He's fine," end of story.

Anything else you'd like to add about your stories, fan fiction, or the X-Files in general?

Just that this has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I never dabbled in writing in all the years since college. I stumbled onto this, and found that I just adore words. I love putting them together and sketching out a scene. I've been an avid reader all my life, and I think some of the best XF fanfic beats a lot of traditionally published books by a great deal.


I'd like to thank Pywacket for sitting down with me and allowing me to do my first interview with her. She made it easy!
XxX
Pywacket: pywacket1975@hotmail.com
Katie: ktblle@hotmail.com

pywacket's fanfiction can be found at
http://www.angelfire.com/ms/KtblleStorage/main.html