Ramblings

Monday(early Tuesday) March 13, 2001   2:20 a.m              -I should be in bed but i slept all day after class. My first journal entry, woo! Just so you know, I'm gonna have lots of poems here too and quotes and goodness. Haven't really been in the poetry mood lately. Heres a quote for you: "Always play with their minds." Thats from my fav. movie, empire records.  These last few months of school are going by agonizingly slow. This week is looking pretty pitiful. M grades are slipping...i dont know what happened. I did bad on my midterms. I need to get my ass in gear. I miss my friends from home and my boyfriend. Its his birthday soon and i'm trying to get home for it. I really hope i can make it so i can throw a huge party and see all my buds. I want to make Aarons(mybf) birthday special for him sine he is so special to me. I just cant think of that perfect gift for him yet though. Its been bothering me.       Anyways. This is really boring. Sorry! It'll be better soon, hehe. To check out more journal entry action, go here: www.livejournal.com/iliketobite

March 15th, 2:45 a.m 2001   Its a Tom Petty night.....errr what a day "Some days are diamonds, some days are rocks, some doors are open, some doors are locked, sun downs are golden then fade away..." ~Tom Petty "All around your island, theers a barricade, it keeps out the danger, holds in the pain..sometimes you're happy, sometime you cry, half of me is ocean, half of me is sky.." ~Tom Petty "You dont know how it feels...to be me. People come, people go, some grow young, some grow cold.  I woke in between a memory and a dream.." ~Tom "I dreamed you...i saw your face..cut my lifeline when drifting through space...i saw an angel.. i saw my fate. .i can only thank God it was not too late.." ~Tommy "i'm learning to fly..but i aint got wings..coming down is the hardest thing..the good old days may not return and the rocks might melt and the sea may burn.." ~you guessed it...Tom Petty "Runnin down a dream..that never would come to me..working on a mystery..going wherever it leads.." ~my man Tom MArch 15, 2001....2:00 A.M.      Another shitty day..another Tom Petty mood. SO many problems running around my head these days. I cant wait to talk to Aaron tomorrow, he's been away on a trip but he's coming back tomorrow. YAY! I need him... "Every time it seems like there ain't nothin' left no more, I find myself having to reach out and grab hold of something. Yeah, I just catch myself waiting, wondering, worrying About some silly little things that don't add up to nothin'. " -Tom Petty

March 26th  '01  3:15 A.M       Its the end of the weekend :( I had a great weekend though for the most part. Friday Aaron came to visit!! =) Dick and Curtis came too. We partied with friends friday night and then managed to get a room alone to "sleep" in. Needless to say, we didn't sleep much. We had alot of fun. We talked a lot too, i love talking to Aaron. He's the one person i can be open to and not have to feel bad for expressing my emotions. He told me about this girl that likes him and how he used to like her..It was weird. He was feeling guilty about nothing it seemed. For once my in our relationship my trust wavered. But i have regathered it i think. All I needed this time was some Bob Dylan to calm me down. I know Aaron loves me and Aaron will always love me. Fate brought us together and there will never be anyone else but Aaron for me. Vice versa too. Sometimes I wonder since I am his first girlfriend and he's only 19, that he must want to play the field.  He's always reasurring me that he doesnt need or want anyone else.  I trust Aaron and its rare that I fully put my trust into a person, i've been hurt too many times. If he was to break my trust, it would take me a long time to ever trust anyone again. He holds my heart in his hands and that scares me. I know that at any minute he could break it. I also know that Aaron would never hurt me. Just knowing how much he could though, scares me.  Its a weird feeling to think how much one single person affects your whole life. I'm so scared to be hurt..i'm so scared to let myself become so attached and dependant. But I love him so much and it feels so right. All the walls i have built around myself have come tumbling down and i dont know if thats good or bad. I'm so vulnerable. I'm used to at least hiding some things..keeping my vulnerabilty a secret. Aaron knows everything about me and he's the only person that does. Not even my closest friends know what Aaron knows. All my faith, all my trust and all of my heart is his. Music: Heatbreak hotel (billy joels version) Mood: reflective

March 28, 2001 4 a.m       I've been in a really reflective mood lately. It's kinda good because it helps me gain insight into whats going on with myself. The only bad thing is that i'm getting depressed. Oh i've gone through the depression rounds before. Yeah..been there, done that, don't want to go back. Oh i'll slip into sadness every once in while, like everyone does. No big deal. But lately i've been dwelling way to much on issues i thought were long gone but always end up creeping up on me when i'd rather they not. I thought i've dealt with everything. I thought everything was gone. I guess you can't erase memories and some emotions never fade away. I guess no matter how hard i try i will never be that normal, happy healthy person i want to. Because no matter how happy i get, i am always in some way sad. I am permanently haunted by a past that won't set me free. I can cope now better than i ever had. I can get out of bed after a night of terrible nightmeres and go about my day with a smile. I can deal..i can deal..I can supress cravings that take over my mind. I can handle it but i sure as hell dont want to.     I miss my friends, my family and my boyfriend. I need a hug from somone that understands. Thank goodness my twin is coming for a visit this weekend. I know i will feel so much better after that. Tomorrow is a new day...tomorrow i will wake up with a smile..the sun will not go down on me.. mood: reflective music: Elton John and Billy Joel-Don't let the sun go down on me.

April 1, 2001, 5:30 a.m         I'm gonna have to reformat this page so the newest entries are on top. Anyways...i have to type this paper on indigenism mulitcultralism for my rel 200 class but as you might imagine, i have no idea what to write. I dont even understand the question! yikes...        My cuz was suppose to get here today, shes staying here for a week. Sadly she got sick this morning :( Poor Moo. Hopefully tomorrow she will be able to make the trip.   I can't wait for her to get here! I've been lonely for my friends back home and i miss Aaron a lot. I would do anything to be hugging him right now. I've been thinking to much about the past lately, something that will never do anybody any good. I started to listen to the new U2 song, "walk on" and it really struck a cord, click for lyrics.        School is almost out and i can't wait to be home again. I know once i get there though i'll be itching for my freedom again. I love my family but i can only take so much. They give me love but they also give me ulcers!(jk). I love them though, and i can't wait to be home. I miss my mommy and daddy! And my little Buster too! click for pic! Mood: lonely Music:  Knockin on heavens door, live version withBob Dylan and Tom Petty