| Deadly Blessing |
| copyright 1981 |
| Ya gotta give Deadly Blessing credit. How often do you see Mennonites involved in a horror film? I don't want to get off on a rant here, Chachi, but I called them Mennonites because I think that's what the scriptwriter meant when he labeled them Hittites. See, Mennonites are a religious group kinda like the Amish. And, as any hardcore Ghostbusters fan would know, Hittites were an ancient civilization that worshipped Zul, who was a Minion of Gozer. I think the Hittites were also mentioned in the Bible, uh, somewhere in the back. In any case... they no longer exist, and if they still did, I doubt they'd be a group that "makes the Amish look like swingers," as Sharon Stone says in the movie. Why would they change Mennonites into Hittites for this movie? I don't know, maybe so they wouldn't piss of any Mennonites who just might watch this on TV, even though they'd be Hellbound for watching anything on TV, as it is an electrical appliance and tool of the Devil. In the end, I guess they decided it was better to use the name of a group that no longer exists, as they'd be even less likely to see the film. And, as for another spot the scriptwriters screwed up-- A woman can't be an incubus, dumbass. A female demon is a succubus! Even South Park got that right on a recent show. Jeez, did they do any research when they wrote this movie? A damn dictionary would've told them that. Here's your little overview of the plot, which is probably all you wanted to read anyway, you dirty son of a bitch! Oh man, I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! That Hittite-Mennonite shit is still messing with my ADD riddled mind. Anywho, what was I talking about? Deadly Blessing? Aiight, B, Here's the plot-- Hot chick's hubby dies in tractor accident (whether he also got Gonorrhea from it is left for us to speculate). Who could have killed the dumb bastard? Maybe a crazy ass Hittite played by Ernest Borgnine? Ya see, the chick's husband used to be a Hittite and turned his back on them to marry the girl. Anyway, to make a long story short, two more hot chicks show up to comfort the first girl, and one of them is Sharon Stone. Whomever or whatever killed the husband is still killing people, including a couple who drive around like jackasses in a pasture while listening to 'Maggie May' by Rod Stewart. Basically, it's a supernatural slasher whodunnit. Now here's the good stuff-- There's a scene where a spider drops into Stone's open mouth and a creepy one where she's in a barn. Another great scene has the lead actress taking a bath, when a snake shows up with her in the tub. It's even funnier when you realize that she is wearing her panties in the tub. There's also a pretty amusing catfight near the end of the movie. But the actual ending doesn't make a whole hell of a lot of sense. It is tacked on and just ridiculous. Is anyone still reading this thing? It's like the damn Unabomber manifesto or something. |
| 3 out of 5. Directed by Wes Craven, famous for A Nightmare on Elm Street and Scream. The movie isn't all that bad. There are some memorable scenes and cute girls. Also appearing in the film are Clint Black's future wife (Lisa Hartman) as well as ugly ass Michael Berryman, who got famous by playing mutants in movies like The Hills Have Eyes and Weird Science. Bug-eyed Ernest Borgnine is particularly entertaining as he goes apeshit, why he couldn't have done that on 'The Single Guy' more, I'll never know. But that ending... what the hell was that about? Oh Jesus, my brief side blurb was almost as long as the damn review. |
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