| Frida |
| copyright 2002 |
| The first draft of this review was six words. It read, simply, "Life's a bitch, then Frida dies." I realize you're probably wondering, "How can a movie that features Salma Hayek's breasts so promininently possibly be one of the worst movies ever?" And this is why I must now elaborate on my original review. So the movie is about the life of a crippled, bisexual, Mexican artist with a monobrow named Frida Kahlo. We start off with Salma as a schoolgirl. She gets in an accident on a bus that puts her in a full body cast and stuck in bed for who knows how long. She takes up painting while bedridden, and starts painting some weird, fucked up shit. When she somewhat recovers and is able to at least walk again, she goes to famous Mexican painter Diego Rivera, who happens to be the ugliest movie character since The Penguin in Batman Returns. Despite being so fat and ugly, Diego gets more pussy than Vince Neil did in Motley Crue's heyday. Anyway, he likes Frida's shit, and introduces her to his radical communist friends at a swell shindig. Ashley Judd and Antonio Banderas show up for pointless wink at the camera style cameos here. Well, Frida and Diego end up getting married. Diego has sex with women behind Frida's back. Frida keeps having to get more work done on her crippled body because the health care system in Mexico is worse than your typical HMO. At one point, the couple ends up going to New York so Rivera can paint a mural for Rockefeller. Ed Norton shows up for a pointless wink at the camera style cameo. Diego's love of communism compels him to put Lenin in the mural, which gets him fired. Frida has a miscarriage and then it's back to Mexico for this depressing film. Everything is going smoothly until Frida catches Diego banging her sister. She freaks out and gives herself a haircut reminiscent of Marcy Darcy on Married... With Children. She leaves Diego and they stay separated until Leon Trotsky comes to Mexico for asylum. Frida and Diego become friends again, but she won't go back to her husband. Instead, she decides to fuck Leon Trotsky. Yes, you read that right. Leon Trotsky has sex in this movie. So Trotsky ends up leaving their house because he doesn't want to betray his wife anymore than he already has. This leads to Trotsky getting killed by his pursuers. So in a way, you could say that by fucking Trotsky, Frida fucked Trotsky. Nice work. Frida ends up going to Paris solo for a while, mainly just so we can have a scene where she has lesbian sex with a very mannish looking black jazz singer. She comes back to Mexico just in time to see Diego leave town. The federalis are looking for him in connection to Trotsky's murder. Frida is put in jail when she won't reveal where he goes. He comes back, they get back together. She basically lives her life out in a bed, wearing different casts and braces. The doctor cuts off her toes. She grows a moustache. She dies. The end. Now, wasn't that pretty boring? And even if it wasn't, you gotta believe me when I tell you this movie is just a bunch of pretentious arthouse bullshit. I saw it in the crazy hippie theater with a bunch of art fags and emo kids. The crowd loved the film, and laughed uproariously at the few pathetic attempts at humor. They loved it because it was pretentious arthouse bullshit. It's one saving grace is the nudity and a couple of stoner movie type sequences of skeletons and King Kong. But, I wouldn't recommend this movie, even if you were stoned. If you do see it, you should definitely chase it with a crazy action movie like Desperado. |
| 2.5 out of 5. Salma gets naked, but the movie is just self-indulgent, artsy fartsy crap. |
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