| Gordy |
| copyright 1995 |
| Call me crazy, but I'm starting to question the whole "talking pig" genre of movies. I don't even know what the fuck to say about this film. It's about a talking pig who becomes CEO of a snack foods company. I mean, how am I supposed to mock a film that airtight and devoid of stupidity? I can't. I bow to you, Gordy. The movie starts with Gordy's mom and five siblings getting shipped off to a sausage factory. Some hick girl finds Gordy and adopts him. He rides around with her and her country bumpkin singer of a dad in their shitty Winnebago. Somehow, these hillbillies end up at a party with a bunch of rich assholes. I guess they accidentally got the Clampett's invitation in the mail. Or maybe the Bush's. But I digress. At the party, there is this boy named Hanky that falls into a swimming pool and is saved by Gordy. So now the piglet gets adopted by his family. Whatever. Hanky's grandpa is the owner of a snack food company, but he dies like five minutes later, so don't worry about him. The important thing is that he has willed the company to none other than Gordy. Of course, there is the requisite weasely guy who wants the company and will do anything to get it. By anything, I mean he will hire two goons to kidnap the pig, tie it up and throw it off a bridge. He's not exactly reaching supervillian status here, is he? Some villians want to take over the world, this guy wants to kill a piglet. For some reason, Gordy becomes very famous, even appearing on Wall Street Week with that Willy Wonka looking beanpole, Louis Rukeyser. Gordy even gets a call from President Clinton, who presumably wants to either eat or have sex with the pig. Perhaps both. Anyway, Gordy is getting antsy about finding his family, so Hanky and the gang go to where they can get their message out to the entire country at once. That's right, Branson fucking Missouri. They put on this concert at Yakov Smirnoff's theater, where we get a musical performance by many country singers only popular within the city limits of Branson itself. I guess this is the highest rated television moment since MASH, because some guy calls the family to tell them that Gordy's family is in Omaha, Nebraska and -gasp!- are going to be turned into bacon tonight. Now the movie will lead us to believe that Branson to Omaha is a 20 minute drive, 16 and a half if you don't get stopped at the one set of railroad tracks between the cities. (SPOILER ALERT!!! They do have to stop for a train. This movie is that thrilling and suspenseful!) Anyway, it all plays out just like you think it will. The pigs are rescued, the weasely guy gets his comeuppance, Hanky's mom hooks up with the hillbilly RV guy, they adopt the pigs, buy a farm, listen to really shitty country music together, and eventually die from hookworm. See? Air fucking tight. |
| 0 out of 5. One thing I can say for Gordy... he looks delicious. |
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