| ROCKY V |
| copyright 1990 |
| Sylvester Stallone's career has been steadily going downhill for over two decades. He finished off the Rocky series with this horrible movie. Apparently, in Rocky IV, that commie bastard Ivan Drago hit the Italian Stallion hard enough to cause brain damage and force him to retire. This was shocking to me, as I'd always thought that the Rocky series was about a retarded man who was too stupid to get knocked out. Anyone familiar with the movies knows that Rocky has the worst fighting style in the world. He allows himself to get hit in the face for 10 rounds until he's swollen and bloody, and then he hits the other guy five times and knocks him out. Suspension of disbelief aside, I can't imagine brain damage having that big of an effect on such a fucking moron. Anywho, along with being a mongoloid, brother-in-law Paulie has pissed Rocky's fortune away. So now he's broke and has to move his family out of their mansion into a crummy neighborhood. His son has to go to a new school where he's bullied. Meanwhile, Rocky starts training Tommy Gunn, whose name would suggest is a pornstar or pro wrestler, though he is actually a boxer. Rocky's son falls in with a bad crowd and Tommy fires Rocky and wins the world title. Rocky decides to get his shit together and to prove he's done it, he fights Tommy Gunn in a parking lot. Not exactly on the scale of Drago, Apollo Creed or even Mr. T. Of course, Rocky somehow wins this street fight, even though the movie already told us Rocky would die if he got hit again. The only thing that could make this movie worse would be if Elton John sang the theme song. Oh wait, he does. And it sucks. I can't wait until the now middle aged Stallone tries a comeback with Rocky VI. Maybe he'll fight that bald Tae-Bo bastard, Billy Blanks, in a public restroom. |
| 0 out of 5. I'd rather read the Book of Mormon than see this movie again. |
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