-Ah...I see the screw-up fairy has visited me again!

-Not the brightest crayon in the box now are we?

-I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

-I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

-There are 3 kinds of people in this world, those who can count, and those who can't.

-"I see" said the blind man peeing into the wind, it's all coming back to me now!

-Life is like a dick. When it gets hard, fuck it.

-Sex is like math. Add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and hope you don't multiply!

-To think before you speak is like wiping your ass before you shit.

-Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity-

-May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy, and enough money to buy me gifts.

-How about never? Is never good for you?

-Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.

-You can judge me all you want, just keep the verdict to yourself.

-Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

-The reason I know I am God is because one day as I was praying, I realized I was talking to myself.

-Dehydrated H2O: Just add water.

-We're women. We don't say what we want, but we reserve the right to be pissed off if we don't get it.

-I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I have forgotten this before!

-I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

-Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and realize, Oh my God...I could be eating a slow learner.

-The statistics on sanity are that one of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.

-It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

-No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy.-Henry Kissinger

-Any kid'll run an errand for you if you ask at bedtime.-Red Skelton

-Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

-There are two things I've learned: There is a God. And, I'm not Him.

-Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

-Does it ever occur to you that nothing occurs to God?

-I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

-I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

-I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me!

-I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

-It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

-I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

-I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

-We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

-Save Santa the trip. Be naughty.

-"He gave me a copy of The Declaration of Independence, then he got a tattoo that says Give Me Liberty Or Give Me Death. I think my boyfriend wants his freedom"-Comic by Randy Glasbergen

-I don't need to be born again. I got it right the first time. -- Dennis Miller

-I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. -- Carol Leifer

-I’d stop eating chocolate but i’m not a quitter.

-If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence showing you tried.

-Goda's Truism: By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

-God made rivers, got made lakes, God made NSync, hey we all make mistakes.

-I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

-Never look up and admire a flock of birds overhead.....trust me.

-Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue. I'm Schizophrenic. And So Am I.

-It's mind over matter. You don't mind, it don't matter.

-Sometimes you're the windshield. Sometimes you're the bug.

-I'm on top of the world and afraid of heights.

-Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children.

-You say I'm always happy, and that I'm good at what I do, but what you'll never realize is, I'm a damn good actress too.

-Blondes Have It Made, Brunettes Don't Have An Excuse For Acting Stupid!-

-If at first you don't succeed, skydiving's not for you-

-I'm not really enjoying talking to you, so let's not talk again real soon. Okay?-

-Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.
-God (Seen on a billboard)

You: Can I ask you a question?
Me: Didn't give me much of a choice there did ya?

"If you're really horny, do unto yourself as you would want others to do unto you."

People say I shouldn't frown because it uses more muscles than smiling. Then I point out that Americans need their exercise.

I'm not that desperate, and you're not that lucky!

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. Instead, merely flip the guy off, it's only a gesture but it says it all.

There are ALOT easier things in life, then finding a good man... For instance, nailing Jello to a tree

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not kicking and screaming like the passengers on his bus.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I don't mind going to work...it's that long wait to go home that bothers me.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Never knock on Death's door, ring the doorbell and run, he hates that.

I came. I tried. I lost. Damn it. I came again. I cheated. I won.

Daddy's little girl, but not the girl that Daddy knew.
Daddy never had a clue.

Have a nice day, somewhere else.

"'No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves!"

Women's faults are many,
Men have only two.....
Everything the say,
and everything they do!!!!

I used to think I was indecisive. . .
but now I'm not so sure

Violence is not the answer, however it is a pretty good guess

Someday we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject

"Shut up brain or I'll stab you with a Q-tip." Simpsons

" If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?"

2 blondes walk into a building...You think one of them would've noticed (Sorry guys, I had to put this one on here...Yes I'm a blonde and it took me a while to get this one...LoL!)

A penis is a privilege. Not a right...

Karaoke is Japanese for tone-deaf

"You must be constipated cause you're full of sh!t"
Lorraine

I've learned that the dashing young knight on his snow white steed who was going to ride into my life and sweep me off my feett...has apparently gotten lost in the forest."

Life's short, eat dessert first.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Did my back hurt your knife?"

Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember it didn't work for the rabbit.
- R. E. Shay

You've been a bad boy, go to my room!

"The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average guy can see better than he can think"

I just remembered something... you are boring, and my legs work!
~david spade `just shoot me`

Some guys say *Suck It!* I say no thanks I tend to choke on small objects!

if you want me to fall in love you better give me something to trip over

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we broke up I think it's time you kept your promises....

*I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.* ~w c fields

every time I said hi
was a lie:
I meant goodbye... ~Jake

You will have many opportunities in life to keep your mouth shut:
You should take advantage of every one of them.
~ Thomas Edison ~
(1847-1931, American Inventor, Entrepreneur, Founder of GE)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Female Comebacks to Cheesy Pickup Lines

Male: If I saw you naked, I'd die happy.
Female: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.

Male: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Female: But would you stay there?

Male: Your body's like a temple.
Female: Sorry, there are no services today.

Male: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Female: Unfertilized.

Male: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Female: DO NOT ENTER.

Male: Your place or mine?
Female: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

Male: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Female: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Male: Is this seat empty?
Female: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, "whoa, I'm way too high." -Bruce Baum

~*~Love is like a tug of war. One jerk after another~*~

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow. Amen"

if ballet were easy it would be called football

gøød g¡rl§ r §weet
gøød g¡rl§ r n¡ce
¡m da gøød g¡rL hø§ naughty
w¡t wh¡p cream N ice!

It's not what a teenager knows that worries his parents. It's how he found out.

CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time

if winners never quit, and quitters never win, what loser came up with quit while your ahead?

*I'm so evil the devil worships me*

It's called crap... and as full of it as you are, I'm sure there's some to spare!

Love is deep, sex only goes a few inches.

"In a world full of cheerios ... be a fruitloop. "

~*I'm really an angel these horns just hold my halo up*~

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

*Roses are red, violets are fine, you be the 6 and I'll be the 9.*

Too bad, looks like hooked on phonics didn't work for you!

God made coke, God made Pepsi, God made me and ....DAMN.... I'm sexy!!...

~Virginity is like a bubble - One prick and it's all over.

"I stopped believing in Santa Clause when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph." -Shirley Temple

Don't hate me cuz I'm sexy, hate me cuz your boyfriend thinks so!

sex can wait, so don't fornicate, copulate, or procreate....masturbate! *Jon Haas*

Pimpette of the year
Playette of the season
Ya man left you and I'm the reason
so step back and make sum room
cause this lil cutie is comin through

Possibly? I hate that damn answer! It means it depends on how horney you are!

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. "
- Albert Einstein

"Definition of Stress: The confusion created when one's mind overrides the
body's desire to beat or choke the living shit out of some ass who
desperately needs it."

you know what? you may be able to catch more flies with honey than vinegar... but you can catch even more with shit..... (John Haas)

Roses are red violets are blue
sugar is sweet and so are you,
but the roses are wilting, the violets are dead
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head

Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
Plato (427 AD - 347 AD)

"I see" said the blind man to his deaf wife as they held their armless child by the hands and peed into the wind and said "its all coming back to me now"

God made the land, God made the sea, God needed a princess....so He made ME!!

If you love him, set him free, if he doesn't come back, HE'S PROBABLY WITH
ME!

A pretty girl can kiss a guy, a bird can kiss a butterfly, the rising sun can kiss the grass, and you my friend can kiss my ass!

I didn't lose the keys this time, I lost the whole damn car!

I was born to please, and taught to tease.

"I wanted to kill the sexiest person alive, but then I remembered, suicide's a sin."

Beat me if you can, survive if I let you.

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." -- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'" -- Patricia Arquette

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." -- Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." -- Dan Rather (News anchorman)

"I saw a large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?" -- Arnold Schwarzenegger

(some) girls are like wolves they travel in packs and don't quit gnawing at you 'till they get what they want- (submitted and written by Josh Hunter)

Rules are just hazards that get in the way of perfection - Josh Hunter

Don't play stupid with me. I'm better at it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

George Carlin's Thought On Life....

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
And then you die. What's that? A bonus?
I think the life-cycle is all backwards.

You should die first and get it all over with.
Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young.
You get a gold watch.
You go to work.
You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol and party.
You get ready for high school.
You go to grade school and become a kid.
You play. You have no responsibilities.
You become a little baby & go back into the womb.
You spend your last nine months floating...

Then, you finish off as an orgasm. I like it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Playing Doctor is for kids... let's play Gynecologist!

"You could put me in a football stadium full of guys, and I'd pick the wrong one!" - jo dee messina

Now I lay me down 2 sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I shall die before I wake... tell my girls I drank it straight

for those foolish enough to believe to be brave is to die for your country, try living for it!!

Procrastination's like masturbation, you're only fucking yourself

"Happiness is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth"

~*~ I've gone out to look for myself and if I get back before I return please tell myself to wait~*~

One bright day in the middle of the night, two dead boys arose for a fight. They turned their backs and faced each other, pulled out their swords and shot each other. One deaf policeman who heard the noise came over and killed those two dead boys. If you don't believe this lie is true, ask the blind man who saw it too!

There is no such thing as perfect, but if there was, I'd be it!

Roses are red, violets are blue, you played with me, now I'm playin with you... I never loved you, haha playa you got played too!

"It seems like yesterday we were talking about wearing bras, now all we're talking about is taking them off."

Today I'm drunk, but tomorrow, I'll be sober, and you'll STILL be ugly!!!

"Roses are red, violets aren't black, why is your chest as flat as your back?"

·*·Stop honkin your horns
·*·Stop callin my name
·*·Because I already know
·*·I drive you insane!

They say light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear brighter until you hear them speak!

Star light, star bright, where the hell is Mr. Right?

People who say nothing is impossible have never tried to slam a revolving door!

If you need space join NASA baby!

"That money talks / I'll not deny, / I heard it once: / It said, 'Goodbye.' " --Richard Armour

A male gynecologist is like an auto
mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow-

A man's got to do what a man's got to do.
A woman must do what he can't.
-Rhonda Hansome-

Every time I close the door on reality
it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited

If you can't be a good example, then
you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine Aird-

"All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score!"
-Tracy Law

Don't do drugs, don't have unprotected sex, don't drink and drive.....
Leave that to me

I'm sweet like sugar, soft like suede, but unlike Nintendo, I never get played!

I'm Loved by some, Hated by many, Envied by most, Yet wanted by plenty

Heaven doesn't want me and hell's afraid I'll take over...

Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100% fatal

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
Here is how to achieve 103%
Here is a little math that might prove helpful in the future!
...What makes life 100% ???

If
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
equals
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
then,

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = only 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = only 96%

But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

However,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

Use it as much as possible!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

roses are red
trash is stinky
why is your dick
the size of my pinky?

Screw milk-- I'll do your body good!

God made boys,
He made a ton,
He made a hottie,
And you're the one!!

-Gabriel Giddings

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Proverbs and Counter Proverbs!

Clothes make the man.
Don't judge a book by its cover.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Better safe than sorry.

The bigger, the better.
The best things come in small packages.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Out of sight, out of mind.

What will be, will be.
Life is what you make it.

With age comes wisdom.
Out of the mouths of babes come all wise sayings.

The more, the merrier.
Two's company; three's a crowd.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I try to take just one day at a time... but lately several days have attacked me at once.

"Mom never saw the irony in calling me a son of a bitch."

Go find a straw cause you suck!

--> Remember the tree's, remember the grass, remember me? The pain in your ass? <--

Well guys, I was thinking, and I realized....(Insert obvious statement) - Alex Flory

.99 repeating doesn't equal one! (both inside jokes both from the wonderful Alex Flory)

*** iF U reaLLy Luv Him haVe SoMe ClAss Dont!! WriTe HiS naMe WhEre U WipE uR AsS

A girl's gotta do what a girls gotta do... a boys gotta do what girl wants him to!

" A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over; nobody's
home.' I went over. Nobody was home." - Rodney Dangerfield

"During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other
night she called me from a hotel." - Rodney Dangerfield

"One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I
said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said 'Because
you came home early.'" - Rodney Dangerfield

"It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a
button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm
afraid to go to the bathroom." - Rodney Dangerfield

"I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept
covering me up." - Rodney Dangerfield

"I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and
radio." - Rodney Dangerfield

"I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me
that she only liked me as a friend." - Rodney Dangerfield

"I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came
with his wallet." - Rodney Dangerfield

"When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my
father, 'I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled
through.'" - Rodney Dangerfield

"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough."
-Mario Andretti

"Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse."
- Thomas Szasz

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of
people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
- Douglas Adams

"We've begun to long for the pitter patter of little feet
- so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more
feet." --Rita Rudner

Women with "pasts" interest men because men hope that history will
repeat itself.

*The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else.*

I used to have a handle on life...it broke

"Newman's first law: It is useless to put on your brakes when you're upside down. "
- Paul Newman

"To err is human, but when the eraser wears out ahead of the pencil, you're overdoing it."
-Josh Jenkins

"Have you ever noticed... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
- George Carlin

I smell the smelly smell of something smelly
-spongebob squarepants

Whoever said "Money can't buy happiness,

" hasn't been shopping at the right malls.

"If you put something in quotation marks, then
everyone will think someone famous said and
they'll start saying it and then eventually it
will be famous."

Love is blind, deaf, dumb and stupid. If I ever find that little turd I'm gonna kill cupid once and for all.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average male can see better than he can think.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Coffee, Chocolate, and Men. Some things are just better rich.

Always borrow money from a pessimist, they don’t expect to get paid back.

I'm not stubborn, I'm... right.

I still miss my ex, but my aim is getting better.

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Men are like snow storms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long they will last.

Life is sticking your face in a blender. It hurts. But through plastic surgery and a good psychiatrist, things can work out all right in the end.

We don’t devote enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.

I'm not deaf, I'm just ignoring you.

Growing old may be mandatory, but growing up is not.

It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another.

People who say money can't buy you happiness obviously don't know where to shop.

I don't have low self esteem, I have low esteem for everyone else.

I wish my mother would have told me the same thing about horror movies as guys "Don't worry honey it's all fake".

When in doubt, duck. When certain, don't bother, cause you're already screwed.
When it comes to pain and suffering, she's right up there with Elizabeth Taylor. I'm not crazy, I've just been a very bad mood for the last 40 years!

* If I try to fail and I do, does this mean I've succeeded?

* When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

* If you're going to do something illegal, at least enjoy it.

* It's a mind over matter thing. I don't mind and you don't matter.

* Life is like a dick - when it gets hard, F*ck it.

* The best thing about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing--someone else does.

* I think you're a fantastic guy...under that layer of 'jerk'.

* Every story has three sides to it - yours, mine, and the facts.

* Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

* No one shall die a virgin because life screws us all.

* Don't ever put anyone up on a pedestal. They can throw stuff down on you from up there.
* Guys don't grow up, they just get older

* Woman's faults are many, but men only have two, everything they say and everything they do
* If life isn't a game then why are there so many players?

I get plenty of exercise, jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
What if...Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over?

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

Time is a waste of life, life is a waste of time. So get wasted all the time and have the time of your life.

When life hands you a lemon, bust out the tequila and salt.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have most live the longest.

Lemme ask you a question. Ok, so a Seven-Eleven store it's open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. It doesn't close for anything, not holidays, not wars, not anything. So why are there locks on the door??

We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are pretty. Some are dull. Some have glitter. Some sit by themselves in the box never used. Some have weird names, but they all manage to live in the same box.

The more I study, The more I learn, The more I learn, The more I know,The more I know, The more I forget, Why Study??

Eagles may soar but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

The optimist proclaims we live in the best of all possible worlds, the pessimist fears this is true.

Whenever I hear people say, 'life is hard' I'm always tempted to say, 'Compared to what?"

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

I don't see how anyone could fall in love, people are such jerks.

We've upped our standards, now up yours.

I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.

Sin - I didn't invent it - I'm only trying to perfect it!

I wasn't kissing him, I was just whispering into his mouth.

Anytime someone keeps getting on your case about something just say: "I am not a Burger King, Federal Express, or the Library of Congress. I don't do it your way, I don't deliver overnight, and I don't know everything!

Oh I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife?

I'm in love with the perfect man and he is in love with me . . . we've just decided to meet each other later on in life.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're ok... then it's you.

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or even who the person is you're talking to. Then, on your way out, slam the door.

Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.

That's a lot more mature than I think I care to be.

Lets go visit the maternity ward, you know those girls put out.

Life a snow mobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, trapping you underneath. And at night, the ice weasels come.

The trouble with real life is that there's no danger music.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool then to speak out and remove all doubt.

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

* When looking at your two paws, as soon as you have decided which of them is the right one, then you can be sure the other one is the left.

* Most people would rather be sheep and have company than stand out on their own with antlers on
* The guy I was talking about...who said he was gay. Got a new hair cut...and decided to swing both ways.

* Be nice to other people; they outnumber you six billion to one.

* I didn't say it was your fault i said i was blaming it on you

* Beauty is skin deep, but how rich you are can last a lifetime.

* I think-therefore I am single

I laugh in the face of danger . . . and then I hide until it goes away.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

A positive attitude may not solve all of your problems but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

I've had it with Reality. Now I want a Fairy God Mother Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section of a pool.

Never fight an ugly person, they have nothing to lose.

Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun.

There are easier things in life than finding a good man.... nailing Jell-o to a tree, for instance.

Being single is like a vacuum cleaner. It really sucks when you're turned on.

Some people have one of those days, I have one of those lives.

Its only illegal if you get caught.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
If everything is going well you don’t know what the hell is going on.

I've learned there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat I'm already you see. Now my troubles, they’re are going to have troubles with me.

Sex is like a game of cards...... if you don’t have a partner you better have a good hand.

I assume full responsibility for my actions... except those that are someone else’s fault.

You only make a once in a lifetime buddy, once in a lifetime.

They say love hides behind every corner. Am I walking in circles?

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the idiot upside the head.

* I told him I loved him and the feelings were mutual...He loved himself too.
Join the army, meet interesting people, then kill them.

* Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes, that way you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

* If Barbie is so cool and popular, then why do you have to Buy her friends?

- Albert Einstein

In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead.

- Ben Franklin

Anatomy (n): something everyone has, but which looks better on a girl

- Bruce Raeburn.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more?

- Chris Rock

Everyday we're told we live in the greatest country on earth and it's always stated as an un deniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure 60x80 inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it's startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans too, none of which are 'We're number two!

- Dave Sedaris, "Me Talk Pretty One Day "

State Legislators are merely politicians whose darkest secret prevents them from running for a higher office.

- Dennis Miller

In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

- Dereke Bruce

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

- Gloria Leonard

I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them

- Jane Austen

The race isn't always to the swift, but if I'm putting my money down. That's how I'm going to bet

- Jeff Warren

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews, Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'

- Jerry Seinfeld

I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.

- John Cleese

Humor is the absence of terror, and terror the absence of humor.

- Lord Richard Buckley

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.

- Mae West (1892-1980)

Only two things in life are certain, death and that twinkies will out last you.

- Mark Franklin

The clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

- Mark Twain

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

No one expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our cheif weapon is surprise, fear and surprise; two cheif weapons, fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency! Er, among our chief weapons are: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and near fanatical devotion to the Pope! Um, I'll come in again...

- Monty Python

Why don’t you write books people can read?

- Nora Joyce, To Her Husband James (1882-1941)

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

- Oscar Wilde

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

- Oscar Wilde

Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that's not why we do it.

- Richard Feynman

We had gay robbers last night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

- Robin Williams

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do

- Sartre

If you have weird vegetarian friends it is best not to invite them to a barbecue.

- Scott Adams

If your lips are extended beyond your nose then you are about to do something rude.

- Scott Adams

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

-
Humor is a reminder that no matter how high the throne one sits on, one sits on one's bottom. ~Taki

Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs. ~Christopher Morley

Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn. ~Irvin S. Cobb

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is. ~Francis Bacon

Humor results when society says you can't scratch certain things in public, but they itch in public. ~Tom Walsh

Humor has a way of bringing people together. It unites people. In fact, I'm rather serious when I suggest that someone should plant a few whoopee cushions in the United Nations. ~Ron Dentinger

Every survival kit should include a sense of humor. ~Author Unknown

Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquillity. ~James Thurber

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place. ~Mark Twain

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. ~William James

After God created the world, He made man and woman. Then, to keep the whole thing from collapsing, He invented humor. ~Bill Kelly, "Mordillo"

If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide. ~Mahatma Gandhi

The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance. ~Peter De Vries

Humor is just another defense against the universe. ~Mel Brooks

Humor is reason gone mad. ~Groucho Marx

A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. ~Peter Ustinov

Humor is... despair refusing to take itself seriously. ~Arland Ussher

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood. ~Mary Hirsch

The kind of humor I like is the thing that makes me laugh for five seconds and think for ten minutes. ~William Davis

Many a true word is spoken in jest. ~English Proverb

Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end. ~Sid Caesar

Warning: Humor may be hazardous to your illness. ~Ellie Katz

Nothing is more curious than the almost savage hostility that humor excites in those who lack it. ~George Saintsbury

I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it. ~Frank A. Clark

A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life. ~Hugh Sidey

There is no defense against adverse fortune which is so effectual as an habitual sense of humor. ~Thomas W. Higginson

Humor prevents one from becoming a tragic figure even though he/she is involved in tragic events. ~E.T. "Cy" Eberhart

Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully. ~Max Eastman

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road. ~Henry Ward Beecher

There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth. ~Victor Borge, London Times, 3 January 1984

Someone once defined humor as a way to keep from killing yourself. I keep my sense of humor and I stay alive. ~Abe Burrows

Humor is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of man's superiority to all that befalls him. ~Roman Gary

Humor is, I think, the subtlest and chanciest of literary forms. It is surely not accidental that there are a thousand novelists, essayists, poets or journalists for each humorist. It is a long, long time between James Thurbers. ~Leo Rosten