By Dave Tucker
CAST OF CHARACTERS
Ted – (late 20s to early 40s) low key, easy-going, pleasant and not overly emotional, your generally nice guy.
Waiter - (late 20s to early 40s) nice guy, polite, sincere,
Patty - (late 20s to early 40s) nice but superficial
Cheryl - (late 20s to early 40s) never lets her guard down, got burned before and isn’t going to let it happen again
Sonya - (late 20s to early 40s) always in control, very condescending
Tina - (late 20s to early 40s) a husband-hunting
Tracy - (late 20s to early 40s) trailer trash, strong and abrasive
Linda - (late 20s to early 40s) just like Tracy, though not as strong
Marty - (late 20s to early 40s) A friend of Ted’s
Joyce - (late 20s to early 40s) spunky and opinionated, has a strong love for language
Ellen - (late 20s to early 40s) the Audrey Hepburn from next door
Casting notes:
Double-casting is recommended for all characters except Ted. Women should be double-cast according to their abilities. Here’s an example:
Ted
Waiter, Marty
Cheryl, Linda
Tina, Ellen
Sonya, Joyce
Patty, Tracy
Having the actress who plays Ellen play that role only (instead of double-casting her) may add to the significance of the final scene. The waiter may be used throughout the show as the director sees fit, to serve drinks, clear plates, etc.
Setting
Restaurant interior –One table .
Check, Please
By Dave Tucker
Scene 2
Lights up on TED and CHERYL, already
seated.
TED: I’m a little nervous.
CHERYL: I can tell.
TED: This being our first date and all.
CHERYL: I don’t date very much.
TED: Me, neither.
CHERYL: (pause) You look nice.
TED: Oh, thanks. I don’t wear a suit very often.
CHERYL: I can tell.
TED: You look nice, too.
CHERYL: Thanks.
TED: So have you lived here long?
CHERYL: Yes.
TED: (pause) I just came from Phoenix a couple months ago…
CHERYL: That’s much too hot for me.
TED: It can be warm.
CHERYL takes out notepad and pencil.
She appears to have a list, from which she
checks off questions as she asks them.
CHERYL: So Ted, what made you leave Phoenix?
TED: Just looking for a change, I guess.
CHERYL: Were you fired from your job?
TED: No.
CHERYL: Avoiding a psychotic ex-girlfriend?
TED: No.
CHERYL: Defaulting on child support?
TED: I don’t have any kids.
CHERYL: So why aren’t you married?
TED: ….I don’t know – I guess I just haven’t met the right girl.
CHERYL: So it’s all her fault that she hasn’t met you then?
TED: Huh ?– no.
CHERYL: Has nothing to do with your own fear of commitment?
TED: Umm, no.
CHERYL: Not because you drive women away with your controlling personality and inability to accept responsibility for you own shortcomings.
TED: ……. No.
CHERYL: Just checking.
TED: Okay…...
CHERYL: So what exactly would do expect from a woman?
TED: Huh?
CHERYL: That special woman – Miss Right.
TED: I guess I just want someone special. A partner. Someone to share things with and grow together.
CHERYL: Well, before we consider a second date, there are a few more things I need to know. Would you be able to answer some more questions for me?
TED: I guess…
CHERYL: You’re not certain? Feeling reluctant?
TED: No. I mean….Well, I’m not really sure..
CHERYL: Afraid of sharing yourself with others, are you, Ted? Unwilling to open up to someone else? Expecting some woman to spill her guts to you even though you keep her at arm’s length emotionally, and refuse to give her as much priority as you do Jack and Lenny down at the local bowling alley?
TED: (bewildered) I don’t know Jack and Lenny….
CHERYL: And then blaming her when she comes home and finds you under the covers with the land-lady, saying that if she’d fulfilled your emotional needs, then you wouldn’t have had to spend every night out with the guys at the Silverado Strip Club.
TED: (pause - to WAITER) Check, please?
Blackout.
Scene 3
Lights up on TED, with SONYA. He holds
her chair for her as she sits down.
SONYA: This is a very nice restaurant.
TED: I hope you like it.
TED sits.
SONYA: My girlfriend Charlotte has been here before when her boyfriend got promoted – they had a big party – and she said that everything was very nice.
TED: I’ve always been happy with it.
SONYA: Though the service was not up to her standards, but Charlotte is accustomed to receiving the very best of everything, so she may have noticed some things that you wouldn’t.
TED: That could be.
(pause)
You look very nice.
SONYA: Yes. I’m glad you wore a suit. Most men don’t wear them anymore – too much Business Casual, you know, and it seems that they’ve lost any desire to dress up and make a woman feel special. Which is why it’s nice that you did.
TED: Oh, thanks. I don’t wear it very often.
SONYA: Though that tie doesn’t really match very well. And you could probably use a different tailor.
TED: (pause) So have you lived here long?
SONYA: Only a few years. I used to live in Montreal. It was much more cosmopolitan there.
TED: Oh. I’ve only been in town a few months.
SONYA: Yes, Phoenix – I know. I still haven’t seen the waiter. I think Charlotte was right.
TED: He’s usually very good.
SONYA: So, Theodore, what made you leave Arizona?
TED: Ted.
SONYA: I’m sorry?
TED: My name is Ted – not Theodore.
SONYA: Yes, but I like Theodore much better. It sounds more sophisticated.
TED: But it’s not my name.
SONYA: Your name isn’t Theodore?
TED: No, it’s Edward. But my father was called Ed, so everyone called me Ted.
SONYA: Well, isn’t that silly? I thought Ted was short for Theodore.
TED: No, but it’s an honest mistake.
SONYA: That is so silly to call someone Ted when his name is actually Edward. Even so, I don’t like Ted…or Edward. So I will call you Theodore.
TED: But it’s not my name…
SONYA: But it sounds much nicer - you’ll get used to it.
TED: (pause) Check, please.
Blackout.