Fishbowl By Dave Tucker Copyright 2002 by Dave Tucker                              Lights up on a pink ceramic                              castle.  There is one lonely                              green plant in the corner.                               PETEY enters from behind                              castle.  He is a goldfish.  He                              speaks in rapid fire                              repetition, occasionally                              slowing down for emphasis. PETEY:  (yawning) Oh, gotta wake up. Gotta wake up.  Rise and shine. Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta wake up. Hey, where is everybody?  Huh, where’d they go?  Where’d they go?  Where’d they go?  Don’t see anybody. Don’t see a soul. Nobody here. Where’d they go?  Where’d they go? Are they in the kitchen? Are they in the kitchen? Anybody in the kitchen?  What’s in the kitchen? Hmmmm. Nothing in the kitchen. What about the living room?  Look in the living room. Anybody in the living room? Huh? Huh? Huh?  Nooooo, living room is empty. Nobody there. Nobody there.  Too bad.  Somebody needs to turn on that TV. Dining room?  Dining room? Dining room?  Anybody there? Anybody there? Anybody? Nobody there.  Whoa – I see dishes on the table. Dishes on the table. What’s on the table?  Breakfast dishes.  Must’ve had breakfast.  Yep, dishes from breakfast  -that’s it.  Dishes from breakfast.  What did they have?  Huh, what’d they have?  What’d they have?  Can’t tell – looks like they already ate everything.  Yep, everything gone.  Nothing left.  Excepts some crusts. Crusts from toast.  So they must’ve had toast.  Toast for breakfast.  Just didn’t eat the crusts.  No, don’t like crusts.  Don’t like crusts. Hey, watch out!  Somebody left the butter on the table.  Can’t do that.  Can’t do that. Can’t leave butter on the table.  It’ll melt.  Yes it will.  It’s gonna melt.  One big buttery glob.  Melt down to a glob.  That’s it. Yes, sir. Gotta put it in the fridge.  Cool it off.  Cool it off.  Can’t let it melt. No, no, no, no.  Can’t let it melt. Where is everybody?  Huh, where’d they go? Where’d they go? Where’d they go? What is today, anyhow? Huh?  What is today?  Let see….yesterday was “kids stay up and watch movies” day.  That means today is – that means today - that means today – – that means today is…,”sleep late and go shopping” day!  That’s it!  Yes it is.  That explains it. They’ve had breakfast. They’ve had breakfast. Breakfast is done.  Now it’s time to walk the dog.  Walk the dog.  Walk the dog.  Dog’s gotta pee.  Dog’s gotta go.  Pick up the leash and take him outside. Yes, sir, let the boy run. Little exercise.  Little run.  Stretch those legs and chase a frisbee.  Come back in and sleep on the floor. Sleep on the floor.  Take a little nap. Sleep on the floor.  Snore a little.  Snore a little.  Drool on the floor.  Come back inside and turn on the TV.  Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please.  Turn on the TV. Hey Chuckie! Chuckie!  Chuckie. Chuckie, Chuckie, Chuckie, Chuckie!  Over here, man. Here I am.  Over here.  Over here.  Hey, Chuck!  How’s it goin’? How’s it goin? What’s goin’ on? What’s goin’ on? How’d ya sleep, huh?  What’s up? Where is everybody?  What’s goin’ on, Chuckie? Chuckie……..Chuckie…….. don’t ignore me, man.  I’m over here. I’m over here.  Look, Chuckie, look here.  Over here. Here, man. Over here.  Over here.  Chuckie…Chuckie…. Chuckie………………..Stupid iguana.  I hope you get parasites. Hey!  There’s the dog.  Here, boy.  How’d it go?  How was the walk? Didja have fun?  Didja have fun?  Hey!  There’s the big guy.  Hanging up the leash. Gotta put it back.  Gotta put it back.  Put it away.  Put it away.  Can’t leave it out or the wife’ll throw a fit.  No loose leash in this house.  No way. Whatcha gonna do?  Whatcha gonna do? Gotta go shopping?  Huh, do ya? Gotta go shopping?  Let the wife drag you out to the store?  Whatcha gonna do? Hey!  That’s it!  Turn on the TV.  Turn on the TV.  Take a little break.  Watch a little tube.  Wife’s not ready – might as well chill.  Take a break.  Take a break. Take a break. Take a break.  Kick back and watch the tube.  Nothing better.  Watchin’ TV.  Come on.  Come on. Channel 41.  Channel 41.  Channel 41. No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no.  Can’t watch that.  Can’t watch that.  That’s no good.  Can’t watch her. Can’t watch her. She’s no fun.  No fun.  No fun.  No fun. Mannnnnnnnnnnn.  Oprah sucks. Oh, please.  Give me a break. I’m getting a headache here…… That’s right! Change channels – change channels- change channels.  Channel 41.  Channel 41.  Come on, channel 41.  Let’s go lucky 41.  Nickelodeon.  Everybody’s favorite.  Let’s watch Sponge Bob.  Sponge Bob. Sponge Bob. Sponge Bob. Sponge Bob. Sponge Bob. Sponge Bob.  Sponge Bob Squarepants.  He’s my hero.  What an actor.  Let’s go, Sponge Bob.  What?  What are you doin?  Not 31!  I said 41!  Channel 41! Channel 41.  Let’s go Nickelodeon. Come on. Come on. Come on. Channel 41 – channel 41 – channel 41.  I command you to go to channel 41.  I command you!  I command you! Damn. Mental telepathy isn’t working today. Hey what’s this? Baseball?  Baseball?  At this hour?  Huh, what’s up?  Must be an East Coast game.  Hey, the Marlins.  Florida Marlins.  Florida Marlins.  What a team.  What a great mascot. That’s my team – Florida Marlins.  And the Dodgers?  Whatta ya know. Marlins and Dodgers - Marlins and Dodgers. Bottom of the sixth – bases loaded - two outs and no score.  Whoa!  This is exciting. Whatcha gonna do?  Whatcha gonna do?  Whatcha gonna do?  Pull the pitcher.  That’s it – pull the pitcher.  Pinch hit - pinch hit - pinch hit. Come on, pinch hit.  That’s it!  Yes, sir.  Yes, sir, that’s the way. Pinch hit.  Pinch hit.  But who?  Who’s on the bench?  Who’s on the bench….. Pablo’s on the bench.  That’s it.  Use Pablo.  Use Pablo.  Pablo. Pablo. Pablo. Pablo. Pablo. Pablo. Pablo. Pablo. Pablo. What?  Not Gonzalez!  No, that’s wrong.  That’s wrong.  That’s wrong. Don’t use him.  Can’t use him.  He can’t hit right-handed pitching.  Oh, mannnnnnnnnnn.  What’s the story, Torborg?  What are you doing?  What are you doing?  No wonder your team is in last place.  Gonzalez can’t hit this guy.  Oh mannnnnnn.  What’s your problem? Here’s the pitch.  Can’t bear to look.  He can’t hit it.  I know. I know.  So sad.  Strike one.  What did I tell ya?  What’d I say, huh?  Even Chuckie over there knows Gonzalez can’t hit this guy, and Chuckie’s a stupid lizard.  And it’s:  Strike Two.  What’d I tell ya? What’d I tell ya? What a waste.  Wasted opportunities.  No wonder you’re in last place.  And one more pitch. It’s gonna be the last, yep, Gonzalez is going to miss this too.  It’s gonna be a……………… line drive into left center? Way to go, Gonzo!  Whatta ya know?  Who’d have thought it.  Not me. Not me.  I didn’t.  Gonzo in at second with a stand up double and two runs score.  I never would have guessed it.  Goes to show, yes it does, goes to show: What the hell do I know about baseball?  That’s why Jeff Torborg’s the manager and I’m just a goldfish. Hey, the wife is ready.  Gotta go now.  Gotta go.  Gotta go shopping.  Shop – shop – shop –shop –shop –shop –shop – shop – shop – shop – shop – shop – shop. Hey, leave the TV on will ya?  Will ya? Huh?  Will ya?  Leave it on. Leave it on. Leave it on.  Leave the TV on. Channel 41. Channel 41. Channel 41.   Sponge Bob - Sponge Bob.  Sponge Bob. Sponge Bob.  Sponge Bob…………………. Damn. There they go. Won’t be back for hours.  No Sponge Bob.  No Baseball.  (sigh)  I wish they’d teach that stupid dog how to turn on the TV. BLACKOUT