| LAST RESPECTS A Comedy in One Act By Dave Tucker Five friends. Buddies. They’ve been hanging together since elementary school. They were inseparable in high school. Through marriages, births, divorces and the occasional infidelity, Frank, Roy, Les, Chuck and Eddie have shared life’s ups and downs. And now they stand at the threshold of middle age together. Except Frank. Who died. Asked by Frank’s family to write a eulogy, the surviving four are stumped. Unfortunately, there never was anything pleasant to say about Frank when he was alive, and now that he has passed on, what the heck are his only four friends supposed to say about him in a eulogy? Besides lies? CAST OF CHARACTERS ROY (late 30s) CHUCK (late 30s) LES (late 30s) EDDIE (late 30s) Pastor MEEKS (40s – 70s) SETTING Sc i Pastor Meeks’ office Sc ii Local Tavern Sc iii Church, during funeral service TIME The present. LAST RESPECTS Scene 1 ROY, LES, CHUCK, and EDDIE are sitting in four chairs in Pastor MEEKS office. There is a long uncomfortable pause. ROY checks his watch. ROY: He’s late. CHUCK: So what? He’s a minister. He doesn’t need to be punctual. ROY: I don’t like it when people are late. LES: I don’t think it’s very respectful to complain. ROY: I think that when you ask somebody for an appointment, you should keep it. EDDIE: He hasn’t broken the appointment – he’s just late. ROY: I don’t like that. CHUCK: Live with it. LES: (long uncomfortable pause) Why do you think we’re here? CHUCK: We’ll find out when he gets here. LES: It’s been a long time since I’ve been in a church. EDDIE: I wish he’d hurry up – I need to mow the lawn before it gets dark. LES: Me, too. ROY: You need to mow your lawn? LES: No, I never mow the lawn. I pay the neighbor kid to mow the lawn. My allergies, you know, I sneeze and my eyes get all puffy. ROY: Then why did you say you need to mow your lawn? LES: I didn’t say I needed to mow the lawn. I said “Me, too,” meaning that I wish Pastor Meeks would hurry up. I don’t mow the lawn – you know that. ROY: Which is why I asked. What’s your hurry? LES: I want to watch the news. It’s almost time for the news and I want to watch it. I always watch the news. That’s what I do every night. I watch the news. EDDIE: Does anybody know why we’re here? CHUCK: Probably because of Frank. EDDIE: That much I figured. LES: Frank? What about Frank? CHUCK: The minister probably wants to talk to us about Frank. ROY: Why, what would he want from us? CHUCK: I don’t know. We’ll find out when he gets here. ROY: (pause) Do you think they suspect us? EDDIE: Of what? ROY: You know - Frank. EDDIE: What about him? ROY: You know - he’s dead. CHUCK: So? ROY: Maybe they think we did it. EDDIE: Why would they think that? ROY: Well, it’s like that on TV. Often the murderers are the victim’s closest friends. CHUCK: And what motive do we have for killing Frank? ROY: I don’t know. LES: Roy is right. Many times the person who did it is actually the least likely person, so if you look for the least likely person, then you will find the killer. And we are the least likely people – we’re his friends. We’ve known him since elementary school. One of us, or all of us, could be the killer. ROY: That’s what I mean. Maybe Pastor Meeks is going to question us to find out which one of us did it. CHUCK: Since when do ministers interrogate suspects? Wouldn’t the police do that? LES: That’s a good point. ROY: Maybe he’s helping the police. We would be less suspicious being questioned by a minister. Maybe we’d open up and reveal something that the police wouldn’t be able to get out of us. LES: That’s true. We might let down our guards with a minister. I wouldn’t expect that. (pause) So which one of you guys did it? ROY: How do we know it’s not you? LES: Because I didn’t do it. EDDIE: You idiot, none of us did it. CHUCK: Frank died of a heart attack at a family reunion. We didn’t kill him. LES: (pause) I’ve never been interrogated by a priest before. CHUCK: He’s not a priest. He’s a minister. LES: What’s the difference? CHUCK: I don’t know. He’s just not a priest. I think ministers are allowed to do stuff that priests aren’t. LES: Like help the police? EDDIE: Would you cut that out? ROY: Does he have one of those collar things? CHUCK: I don’t think so. LES: He has a nice office. ROY: Yes, very nice. LES: Though I think I wouldn’t have arranged the furniture like this. ROY: Me, neither. I’d face the desk toward that window. LES: Yes, so you could see the sun come up over those trees. CHUCK: That’s West. The sun goes down over there. LES: And those trees would be beautiful when they bloom. You could open the windows and catch the fragrance. That would be very nice. Except that it would probably cause my allergies to act up. ROY: Are you sure we’re not murder suspects? EDDIE: If he doesn’t get here soon, I’m going to murder you. LES: You need to deal with you anger in a less destructive way. Enter Pastor MEEKS. MEEKS: Gentlemen, thank you for coming. I’m sorry to have kept you waiting. LES: We didn’t do it! MEEKS: Do what? CHUCK: Nothing. He’s just a little nervous, Father. MEEKS: Not Father. You can just call me “Pastor.” EDDIE Sorry, Pastor. We’re just not sure why we’re here. MEEKS: Certainly. Let me introduce myself first – I’m Pastor Meeks. All shake hands. MEEKS : You must be Roy…… Lester. LES: Les. MEEKS: Charles. LES: He’s Chuck. MEEKS: And Edmund. LES: We call him “Eddie.” MEEKS: Thank you. I need to talk to you about Frank Ferguson. ROY: I knew it! MEEKS: Knew what? CHUCK: He’s just a little nervous, Pastor. MEEKS: Well, no need to be. Frank’s family asked me to address you. I know this is a trying time for you and that you are all probably overwhelmed by your grief for Frank and taken back by his sudden passing. In spite of this, I was hoping I could rely on you, his friends, to remove some of the heavy burden from his family. As you know, Frank’s funeral will be held on Saturday and it is customary for someone close to the deceased to deliver a eulogy. The family has asked me to ask you four, if you would be willing. CHUCK: Sure, we can do that. LES: We can? CHUCK: Yeah, I’ve got a pick-up truck and between the four of us we can probably lift it. Is it big? Do you think we’ll need hand trucks? MEEKS: For what? CHUCK: That yule thing. MEEKS: The eulogy? CHUCK: Yeah. Where do you need it delivered? EDDIE: Sometimes I can’t even believe I associate with you guys. MEEKS: Perhaps I should explain. MEEKS removes flask from jacket pocket and takes a drink. ROY: Let me help, Father. A eulogy is a speech – delivered at the funeral service, which speaks of the many memories we have of the deceased – a time of sharing with everyone about the accomplishments and character of the departed friend. Eulogies have long been a part of our culture, in fact, there are records quoting Pericles during the Peloponnesian War, giving a eulogy for dead Athenians. All look at ROY in amazement. ROY: There was this thing on the Learning Channel last week. MEEKS: Thank you, Roy. CHUCK: You want us to give a speech? MEEKS: Yes. EDDIE: I don’t think so. LES: I get cotton mouth when I talk in front of a group. CHUCK: Sure, we can do it. LES : What? ROY: We can? CHUCK: Sure, why not? It’s not that big a deal. All we have to do is stand up there and read this speech. How hard can that be? After all, Frank was our friend. You only die once, you know. MEEKS: That’s very kind of you. I’m sure Frank’s family will be very pleased. CHUCK: No problem. LES: I can’t read a speech – I get cotton mouth. ROY: I’m not so sure about this– CHUCK: Look, we’ll do it. If you guys are too chicken, I’ll get up there and read it myself. It’s for Frank. MEEKS: That’s very thoughtful of you. CHUCK: Just give me the speech – I’ll read it. MEEKS: Well, actually …… (takes a drink)…. it’s necessary to write the speech, as well. I was hoping that you would be able to collaborate and write something memorable for the occasion. EDDIE: Oh, it would be really memorable. CHUCK: We have to write it, too? MEEKS: Yes, generally that’s how it’s done. CHUCK: It’s not like some kind of Bible verse that we can read? MEEKS: Well, you’re welcome to use scripture if you choose, but it should be personalized to describe Frank. LES: Look, Your Holiness – MEEKS: Pastor. LES: Sorry. Look, Pastor Holiness, we could never do something like this. MEEKS: Don’t you gentlemen think you could come up with something? Realize that everyone attending the service will be supporting you one hundred percent. You needn’t worry about delivering a perfect speech. Just be yourselves – that’s what’s important. EDDIE: No, Pastor, you don’t understand. It’s not that we are afraid to stand up there and give a speech – LES: It is for me. I get cotton mouth. EDDIE: But we can’t write one. MEEKS: Why not? CHUCK: Put it this way. What is this speech supposed to say? MEEKS: A eulogy makes the service it more personal and meaningful. Your memories of Frank are very important, and writing a eulogy brings them up so they can be remembered by everyone. ROY: But what do we say? MEEKS: A eulogy is actually quite simple. It should convey the memories and feelings of those giving the eulogy. It should be written from the heart. EDDIE: But what are we supposed to say? MEEKS: Talk about Frank. What he meant to you - his philosophy of life, his accomplishments, what the people who loved him really felt about him. EDDIE: Then that answers that question. MEEKS: Oh? Good. CHUCK: Yeah, we can’t do it. MEEKS: Why not? EDDIE: Because Frank was an asshole. MEEKS: I beg your pardon. ROY: He said ”Frank was an asshole.” MEEKS: um… Thank you for clarifying. (takes another drink) I don’t think you realize how much this would mean to the family. After all Charles, you are a part of the family. CHUCK: Yeah. ROY: That’s right. Sheila was Frank’s sister. I’d forgotten that. CHUCK: Yeah. MEEKS: The family thought it might be nice if all of you would work together to produce this eulogy – paying your last respects to Frank. ROY: But what would we write? He was such a….a ….. EDDIE: Asshole? MEEKS: Sometimes it’s best to omit those things that may not sound favorable in public. In most cases, there will be a lot of positive things to say about the deceased – LES: Not this time. MEEKS: But, occasionally, someone may have more negative qualities than positive characteristics. If that is the case, remember, you needn’t say everything. Just be honest about the positive qualities. EDDIE: Then you’d have a very short speech. MEEKS: Gentlemen, please. Think of how much this will mean to the family. Frank was your friend. Can’t you do this one last thing for him? CHUCK: I guess we’re stuck. What else can we do? We’ve gotta give a speech. EDDIE: Well, you can, but I’m not. CHUCK: C’mon, Eddie. Don’t bail on us. EDDIE: No. CHUCK: Well, how about if you just go with us, okay? Les and Roy can help me write it. ROY: What would we say? Frank was an asshole. LES: Roy’s right. He was an asshole. A big asshole. I’d say Frank was the biggest asshole I’d ever met. ROY: Maybe we shouldn’t talk like this. He’s dead now. EDDIE: Thank God. ROY: That’s very disrespectful to speak of the deceased like that. EDDIE: Even a dead asshole? ROY: Well…… I don’t know. What do you say about an asshole? CHUCK: We’ll think of something. LES: I can recite a poem. MEEKS: That would be a nice start. CHUCK: Yeah, Les, you can read a poem. MEEKS: Remember, this is a chance for you to contribute to the service – to give Frank’s friends and family a pleasant memory of his passing. EDDIE: Probably their only pleasant memory. CHUCK: Just the same Pastor, why didn’t the family want to give the eulogy? What about his brothers? Or his dad? MEEKS: Well, often it seems that the family is grieving and that sharing such emotional memories is overwhelming for them. EDDIE: So, Frank’s dad and brothers were too choked up to do this? MEEKS: No, I think they were concerned that they couldn’t think of anything pleasant to say. According to the senior Mr. Ferguson, Frank was a real asshole. Blackout. |
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