THUGS
A Comedy in Two Acts
By Dave Tucker
CAST of CHARACTERS
MAMA Risotto, the owner of the local sidewalk café
JULIA Cappuccino, a young in love with Romy
ROMY Montecarlo, the poetic lover, in love with Julia
GINA Sartori, disguised as a man, her brother Anthony
LOUIE, an unemployed thug
VITO, another unemployed thug
JOEY Testeroni, disguised as Anthony Sartori, actually Gina’s lover
Don CAPPUCCINO, a crime lord in Shady Groves, father of Julia
Don MONTECARLO, a crime lord in Shady Groves, the father of Romy
The SHARK, an effeminate hit man
Setting: Shady Groves, Illinois, a small town outside Chicago, 1929. A sidewalk café represented by two tables with chairs and a café entrance, next to a hotel entrance and park bench. One set.
THUGS
ACT ONE
Scene One
Lights up on Main Street of Shady Groves,
Illinois, a very small town outside Chicago.
There is a restaurant, Mama Risotto’s Café,
with two tables for outdoor dining and a
hotel with a park bench situated next to main
entrance. It has the look of a small Italian
villa. ROMY and JULIA are sitting at one of
the tables. JULIA is eating ice cream.
ROMY: Dearest Julia, my heart aches for your gentle love.
JULIA: (eating ice cream) I love you, too, Babe.
ROMY: It is the visage of your beauty that allows me to awaken each day knowing that life is worth living.
JULIA: Uh-huh.
ROMY: Your delicate smile delights my soul and fills my dreams.
JULIA: Uh-huh.
ROMY: The music of your voice echoes in my heart with the orchestrations of eternal passion.
JULIA: Romy, this is so good. You gotta try this Spumoni.
ROMY: The finest confections of our mortal world cannot compare to the sweetness of your lips.
JULIA: Yeah, I know. Do you want some of this or can I have the last bite?
ROMY: Take it all, my Dearest – the ice cream….my heart….. my love….
JULIA: (gulping down last bite) Thanks.
ROMY: Julia, marry me and be my love until the end of time.
JULIA: Oh, Honey, nothin’ doin’ - we been through this a thousand times already.
ROMY: But Dearest, I could not live another day without the hope of eternity with you.
Enter MAMA Risotto from Restaurant.
JULIA: You know better than that. It’s not gonna happen, that’s all.
MAMA: Hey! You two better snap to it. If your daddies see you talkin’ to each other you’ll both be in hot water.
ROMY: But alas Mama Risotto, my heart cries out for the affection of this beauty.
MAMA: Oh, yeah, and if Don Montecarlo sees you with her, you’ll be crying even more. He’s so temperamental that the very sight of you two would cause his self-righteous pea brain to spontaneously combust. Of course, I don’t mean that it a bad way.
JULIA:She’s right, Romy – you know the deal.
ROMY: Why? Why? Why, cruel world, dost thou betray me so? The feverish hatred of our fathers has squelched the joy and love of our youth like a taper extinguished in the darkness of night.
MAMA: (picking up empty ice cream bowl) Does he always talk like that?
JULIA nods “yes” as MAMA exits.
JULIA: Well, I gotta run. See you tomorrow?
ROMY: Yes, my love.
They embrace and JULIA exits.
ROMY: Til the morrow shall I anxiously wait our next meeting.
ROMY sits, buries head in hands, and
begins to moan. GINA enters. She is
disguised as a man, wearing a double-
breasted suit and fedora with a false
mustache, and carries a small piece of
luggage. She enters warily and sits at the
other table. GINA, hearing ROMY’s
moaning, grows uncomfortable.
GINA: You all right over there, slick?
ROMY moans.
GINA: Come on, it can’t be all that bad, huh?
ROMY moans. GINA shrugs, rolls eyes,
gets up and sits next to ROMY.
GINA: Okay, champ, tell me what’s the matter.
ROMY: (sobbing)
I’m in love!
GINA: Oh, well, that explains it.
GINA gets up to go as ROMY looks up.
ROMY: Don’t you fancy to apperceive my anguish as the jewel of my life is whisked out of these loving arms?
GINA: Um, look – I was just trying to be polite. All I really want is a cold drink.
Enter MAMA.
GINA: (to MAMA) Root Beer, please.
ROMY: Are you not concerned with the passions of youthful love being silenced by the hateful judgments of the ancient patriarchs?
GINA: (to MAMA) Does he always talk like this?
MAMA nods and exits.
ROMY: Oh! The woe that befalls all those named Montecarlo!
GINA: Come again? Did you say “Montecarlo?”
ROMY: Alas, my troubled soul!
GINA: “Montecarlo?”
ROMY: A curse upon him - the wretched troll from whose loins I have sprung!
GINA: Um…does that mean he’s your pop?
ROMY: Alas, tis true.
GINA: Well, that’s great. I’m here to see Don Montecarlo. Where is he?
ROMY: You may find him in the midst of all that tortures my aching soul.
GINA: (with resignation) Okay…. I’ve got the feeling you’ve got a story to spill.
ROMY: When I was but a lad – not some distant six months ago, my eyes beheld a maiden, more lovely than a whisper..
Enter MAMA with drink.
ROMY: Her eyes were the color of emeralds, her complexion like that of fresh moonlight. Her hair was as fine as angel breath and her smile would wake the sun each morning –
GINA: (to MAMA) Is there a shorter version to this story?
MAMA: Romy loves Julia, but they can’t get married because he’s a Montecarlo and she’s a Cappuccino, and their fathers have it in for each other. You see, their daddies are two of biggest bastards outside of Chicago, hiding behind their over-inflated egos and looking down on everyone else, even though they themselves are lower than the scum on the soap dish of the ladies room at the local service station. Of course, I don’t mean that in a bad way.
GINA: And why is that?
ROMY: This twisted pair of malicious fools did endow the –
GINA: (to ROMY) Hey! The lady was talking. (to MAMA) And why is that?
MAMA: Montecarlo and Cappuccino are the heads of the biggest crime families in Shady Groves – well actually they’re the only crime families in Shady Groves. And they’re not really crime “families,” they’re just two lame brain idiots pretending to be crime families. And they really don’t do much crime-
GINA: I believe you’re digressing.
MAMA: Well, the two guys hate each other – not that they have any reason, they just think they’re supposed to. And if they catch Romy and Julia together, they’ll blow a gasket.
GINA: So that explains Cry-Baby here.
MAMA: Right.
MAMA exits
GINA: Say, Romy, I’ll tell you what, you tell me where I can find your dad, and I’ll see if I can’t put in a good word for you.
ROMY: Alas, I fear your efforts would be in vain!
GINA: Alas, my ass, I’ll give it a try, okay? Just tell me where I can find him.
ROMY: Gentle sir, my desperation requires that I depend upon your charity. If you assent to plead my case, I will ensure your paths do cross.
GINA: Fair enough.
ROMY: You must …… you must…..
GINA: I must what?
ROMY: Gentle sir, I know you not and yet….I feel a strange enticement….. a bizarre fancy in my heart…when I look upon your face.
GINA: Umm…yeah, whatever. What about your dad?
ROMY: Yes….Inscribe a message inviting him to converge with you. He will, upon reading your script, agree to this encounter.
GINA: How am I supposed to get the letter to him?
ROMY: Have your servant deliver it. That will make the best impression.
MAMA enters to pick up beer glass.
GINA: (to MAMA) Excuse me, can I get some paper? To write a letter.
MAMA: Sure.
MAMA exits.
GINA: But I don’t have a servant.
ROMY: Kind sir, my father places great confidence in a display of wealth. Show him your entitlement and he will comply. Should you fall short of his expectations, however, he will withdraw his favor. And that would be unfortunate for such a tender soul as you…….umm….Fare thee well.
ROMY exits skipping.
GINA: Great. Now I’ve got to rent a mail man.
MAMA enters with writing paper.
MAMA: Paper?
GINA: Thanks.
MAMA: So do you have business with Don Montecarlo?
GINA: That’s right. The Don owes me a stash of lettuce.
MAMA: Well, I’m sure he’s got the cash. He’s richer than God. That rich, whiny blockhead, does nothing but sit on his sorry ass raking in the dough and then rubbing it in the faces of all the average joes who actually work for a living. Of course, I don’t mean that in a bad way. Nobody knows how much he’s got in his bank account.
GINA: Well, by this time tomorrow, two grand is gonna be movin’ from his account into the pocket of Anthony Sartori.
MAMA: You know Anthony Sartori?
GINA: (finishing letter, folding it, and putting it in her jacket pocket.) I am Anthony Sartori.
MAMA: No you’re not.
GINA: Yes I am.
MAMA: You aren’t Anthony Sartori. I know Anthony Sartori and you, sir, are no Anthony Sartori. You, sir, are a lying scum sucking dog and a dubious duplicitous donkey-dating imposter. Of course, I don’t mean that in a bad way.
GINA: On the contrary, Madam, I assure you, I am Anthony Sartori.
MAMA: Oh, yeah? Anthony Sartori had a scar on his right index finger.
GINA shows MAMA her finger.
MAMA: Well, Anthony Sartori had two small moles behind his ear.
GINA shows MAMA her moles.
MAMA: Well …. Anthony Sartori had a small tattoo of a ballerina in the middle of his chest.
GINA starts to rip open her shirt and then
stops.
GINA: Okay, you got me there. How come you know so much about Anthony Sartori?
MAMA: I was there when little Tony was born. I was his first nanny and raised him until he was five years old.
GINA: Well, I’ll be – you’re Nanny Risotto!
MAMA: Yeah. Who are you?
GINA: I’m Gina, Tony’s little sister.
MAMA: Gina!
They embrace.
MAMA: Just look at you! You’ve grown up to be so big! And so ….butch. I never would have recognized you, but now I can see it. You got your father’s eyes. And your mother’s moustache.
GINA: Oh, Mama Risotto, I can’t believe this. I’m so lucky to have found you. How could you tell I wasn’t Tony, if you haven’t seen him since he was five years old?
MAMA: Well, Tony has a different smile….a different face….and different eyes. Plus, Tony is dead.
GINA: Yes, this is true.
MAMA: I heard the news last week. That is very sad.
GINA: It is.
MAMA: How did it happen?
GINA: Don Cannelloni took him on a long walk off a short pier.
MAMA: That’s too bad.
GINA: Yes, but that is why I am here.
MAMA: Really?
GINA: Tony has an outstanding debt owed to him by Don Montecarlo and I came to collect it. I know that Montecarlo won’t repay the money if he finds out Tony is dead, and so by impersonating Tony, I can claim the money quickly and then use it to start a new life with my lover, Joey Testeroni.
MAMA: Joey Testeroni! I heard he was one of the guys who did away with Tony in the first place.
GINA: No, Joey is innocent, but was there when it happened, so Don Cannelloni placed the blame on Joey. He went into hiding, but I’m going to meet up with him after I collect this money and we’ll make a new life for ourselves in Iowa.
MAMA: I wish you the best of luck, Gina.
They embrace.
GINA: I’ll check into the hotel and then I need to get this letter to Don Montecarlo.
MAMA: If you need anything – you let me know.
MAMA exits through restaurant. GINA
exits through hotel entrance. Enter VITO
and LOUIE. They sit at a table. VITO reads
paper while LOUIE looks around for awhile.
LOUIE: Vito.
VITO: (from behind paper) What?
LOUIE: I’m hungry.
VITO: So?
LOUIE: I need something to eat.
VITO: I too am hungry, Louie, now shut your trap.
LOUIE: When are we gonna get some food?
VITO: Just as soon as you get some dough.
LOUIE: But I’m broke.
VITO: We both are, Louie.
Enter MAMA. She approaches VITO and
LOUIE.
MAMA: What can I get you?
VITO: Just water for me, thanks.
MAMA: Just water. What about you?
LOUIE: How much is water?
MAMA: It’s free.
LOUIE: You got anything cheaper than that?
MAMA: No.
LOUIE: Okay, I’ll have water, too.
MAMA: Two waters, coming right up.
MAMA exits.
LOUIE: I wish I had some money.
VITO: Louie, quit jawing! This is all your fault. You are the reason we have no money. You are the reason we have no jobs. You are the reason we cannot go back to Chicago.
LOUIE: Was it really such a bad thing?
VITO: You stupid palooka! Stupid. That is what you are, Louie – stupid. Were it not for you, we would still be workin’ and we would not be hungry and stuck in this no-good one-horse town. The Boss gives us a simple job to do, and you are too stupid to pull it off.
LOUIE: I didn’t understand him!
VITO: Oh, yeah? What is so puzzling about “make him sleep with the fishes?”
LOUIE: It just wasn’t clear, that’s all.
VITO: Well, here is a lesson in clarity for you, Louie, it does not mean “put an aquarium in his bedroom.”
LOUIE: I didn’t know.
VITO: Well, now you do.
Enter MAMA with a pitcher and water
glasses. She pours water.
MAMA: Will this be enough, or should I leave the pitcher?
LOUIE: A pitcher would be nice.
MAMA places pitcher on table and exits.
LOUIE: We need to find work.
VITO: Doing what? You are not even good at being a punk.
LOUIE: Maybe somebody in town could use us . As bodyguards or something.
VITO: Oh, sure, this place looks real dangerous. Probably a shortage of bodyguards.
Enter GINA from hotel.
LOUIE: What about that guy?
VITO: What guy?
LOUIE: (motioning toward GINA) Him. He looks like a bit of a nance.
VITO: Maybe you are right.
VITO approaches GINA.
VITO: Excuse me, sir.
GINA: Yes.
VITO: My partner and I were observing you and happened to notice that you were alone.
GINA: Is that a problem?
VITO: Oh, no, sir, it is just that we thought a distinguished gentleman like yourself might need someone to assist him. To provide protection from the lower elements …. and attend to his needs … run errands… pick up the dry cleaning…whatever.
GINA: Well, now that you mention it, I do have something I need done.
LOUIE: (approaching) Then we could do that for you.
VITO: We would be most appreciative of the employment.
GINA: It’s just one thing.
VITO: Well, we had hoped you would hire us.
GINA: I don’t know –
VITO: Of course, with times being tough like they are, we would work at a reduced rate –
LOUIE: Like food.
VITO: We would not want to be a financial burden, but would simply want a fair wage.
LOUIE: Or just a sandwich.
GINA: So you two want to be my heavies, huh? Actually, that might help with my image a little. Okay, I tell you what – I’m not going to be in town for long, and I don’t have a lot for you to do, but if you two will do whatever I need it, I’ll make sure you get three meals a day.
LOUIE: It’s a deal.
GINA: (pulls letter from coat pocket) Fine. Here’s the first thing. I need this delivered to Don Montecarlo.
VITO: Don Montecarlo?
GINA: Take this to him. It’s very important.
LOUIE: What about the food?
GINA: (yelling into restaurant) Mama Risotto!
MAMA appears in doorway.
GINA: Could you get these two a pizza? Just put it on my tab.
MAMA: Yes, Mr. Sartori.
MAMA exits.
VITO: Mr. Sartori?
GINA: Anthony Sartori.
LOUIE: It is our pleasure to make your acquaintance.
GINA: Yeah, likewise. Take this letter to Don Montecarlo, and then come back and tell me when it’s done.
LOUIE: Can we eat first?
GINA: Yeah, go ahead. But snap to it.
GINA exits. MAMA enters with pizza.
VITO: Well how do you like that? Louie, that was the best idea you ever had.
LOUIE: Oh, yeah, this is swell.
VITO and LOUIE begin to eat. MAMA
exits.
VITO: Nothing like a couple of slices of pizza when you are hungry.
LOUIE: (eyeing the pizza) How many is a couple?
VITO: How many is a couple? A couple is two.
LOUIE: Then why do you say couple? Why don’t you say “two?”
VITO: It is a fancy way of saying it. I learned that in night school. See, the word “couple” comes from the Latin word …“couple” which means …“a couple.”
LOUIE: Oh, okay, I get it.
VITO: Like when you see a guy with his wife – that is a couple – a man and a woman – two people. A couple.
LOUIE: A couple.
VITO: Yeah, or a guy with his girlfriend. That is a couple. Or guy with his mistress. That would be a couple.
LOUIE: Or a guy with a hooker.
VITO: Yeah, that is a couple. But only for one night.
Enter JOEY, carrying a small piece of
luggage. He is handsome, stylish, and wears
a false moustache.
LOUIE: Hey, there’s another guy. Vito, maybe we can work for him, too.
VITO: You wanna work for two guys?
LOUIE: Why not – how much can there be to do around here? And if we work for two guys, maybe we can even get a room for the night.
VITO: I suppose if we play it smart, we could probably pull it off without each of them knowing about the other…. This just might work. (to JOEY) Excuse me, sir.
JOEY: Yes?
VITO: My partner and I saw you and happened to notice that you were alone.
JOEY: You’re very observant.
VITO: Yes, we are. I mean, it is just that we thought a distinguished gentleman like yourself might need someone to assist him.
JOEY: So you’re looking for work, huh?
LOUIE: We would be most depreciative of the employment.
JOEY: Do you have a resume? Any references?
VITO: Well, no.
LOUIE: We had to leave Chicago in a hurry so we didn’t have the chance to get any letters of recommendation.
JOEY: Why such a hurry?
VITO: Well, we were –
LOUIE: We screwed up a job pretty bad and the Boss canned us.
VITO: It is actually not as bad as it sounds.
JOEY: I’m not sure. I could use a couple of goons, but I couldn’t have you screwing things up -
VITO: Oh, we would be most careful, I assure you. And, of course, with times being tough, we would work for a reduced rate –
LOUIE: Like room and board.
VITO: Perhaps you could hire us on a contingency basis, and instead of paying us, you would simply provide us with a place to sleep while we are in your employment?
JOEY: I guess that would work. Take my bag and go check in. And get a room for yourself.
VITO: And what name should we use to check you in?
JOEY: My name is Anthony Sartori.
VITO and LOUIE exchange looks.
LOUIE: Anthony Sartori?
JOEY: Yes. Once you check in, come back here. I’ll be inside – I need to make a phone call.
JOEY exits through restaurant. VITO and
LOUIE move toward hotel.
LOUIE: There’s somethin’ funny goin’ on here. Con you believe that guy’s name?
VITO: Anthony Sartori?
LOUIE: Wasn’t that the other guy’s name, too?
VITO: Yeah, we are working for two guys that have the same name.
LOUIE: So we’re working for “a couple” of guys named Anthony Sartori?
VITO: Yeah. Let us just hope there are not any more of them. That could be confusing. We come to town and find a handful of guys, all named Anthony Sartori –
LOUIE: How many is in a handful?
VITO: Five.
LOUIE: How do you get that?
VITO: How many fingers do you have on your hand?
LOUIE: (after counting) Five.
VITO: Exactly. A handful is five fingers. So a handful of something is five of something.
LOUIE: So there are three more guys out there named Anthony Sartori?
VITO: Let us hope not. I would not want to work for five bosses.
LOUIE and VITO exit through hotel. JULIA
enters, sits and begins to freshen her make
up. MAMA enters from restaurant and picks
up leftover pizza plate.
MAMA: Are you back again?
JULIA: Oh, Mama, I just can’t stay away from that Spumoni.
MAMA: You keep eating that ice cream, Julia, and you’ll get so fat that your ass will have it’s own congressman. Of course, I don’t mean that in a bad way.
JULIA: Please.
MAMA: All right, I’ll get you some.
JOEY enters from restaurant.
MAMA: Would you like something, sir?
JOEY: Yes, thank you. Perhaps a cappuccino?
JULIA bursts into laughter.
MAMA: I‘ll bring it out to you.
MAMA exits.
JOEY: Did I say something funny, girlie?
JULIA: Oh, yes, it was hilarious. You said “perhaps a Cappaccino.”
JOEY: And that amuses you?
JULIA: Oh my god, yes. You see, my name is Julia – Julia Cappuccino – so when you said “Perhaps a Cappuccino,” it sounded like you wanted me.
JULIA laughs again.
JOEY: Oh. Well, I’m sorry for the misunderstanding – as amusing as it was for you. You say your name is Cappuccino – do you know Don Cappuccino?
JULIA: Oh, yeah. That’s my daddy.
Enter MAMA with cappuccino and
spumoni. She serves and exits.
JOEY: So where might I find your father?
JULIA: What do you want with him?
JOEY: My name is Anthony Sartori. Your father he owes me some money – I came to collect.
JULIA: Oooo, Daddy hates to part with his money. Maybe you should wait a little while until he’s not so grumpy. See, Daddy heard Don Montecarlo bragging about his bank account this morning and Daddy is so very jealous of him.
JOEY: I see.
JULIA: Of course, Daddy’s always upset with Don Montecarlo which is why I’m gonna grow up to be an old maid because I can’t marry my sweet Romy and then die a bitter and wrinkled old woman at the age of twenty-seven. Oh gee, this Spumoni is mushy.
JOEY: I’m sure it can’t be as bad as all that. Your predicament, that is – not the ice cream.
JULIA: Oh, you bet it is. I’m gonna die a virgin. We ain’t never gettin’ married. Not while Daddy’s alive, anyhow.
JOEY: Maybe …. Maybe I could help?
JULIA: Really?
JOEY: I can give it a shot.
JULIA: Gee willickers! You’d do that for me? You’d kill Daddy?
JOEY: No! I thought I could talk to him….give him an objective opinion ….convince him to allow you to marry.
JULIA: Oh. All right, I guess that might work.
JOEY: But I need to see your father.
JULIA: Maybe you should write him a letter. That might go over better than showing up on his doorstep and demanding your money. (yelling into restaurant) Hey, Mama! Bring some paper for this guy to write a letter. (shows JOEY photo) See, that’s my Romy there. Cute, ain’t he?
JOEY: Nice looking kid.
Enter MAMA with paper.
JOEY: Thank you.
MAMA: I should start selling stationery on the side.
MAMA exits.
JULIA:I’m outta here. Make sure you don’t say nothin’ stupid in that letter. Daddy is very sensitive.
JOEY: (writing) I’ll remember that.
JULIA exits as VITO and LOUIE enter.
LOUIE: Hey Boss, we got you a room.
VITO: (handing key to JOEY) Here is your key.
JOEY: (still writing) Thanks. I need you to deliver a letter for me.
VITO: Certainly, Boss.
JOEY: Do either of you know Don Cappuccino?
LOUIE: No.
VITO: But we can find him.
JOEY: (finishing letter and folding) Good. Take this to him.
LOUIE: (taking letter) Right Boss.
JOEY: I’ll be in my room. Come give me the scoop when you get that done. It’s real important.
JOEY exits through hotel.
LOUIE: Okay, so we got a letter for Don Montecarlo and a letter for Don Cappuccino –
VITO: Hey, do not mix those up!
LOUIE: Uh-oh.
VITO: Now we do not know which one is which.
LOUIE: Don’t they say something on them that could tell us?
VITO: (reading first letter) “Dear most honorable Don.” (reading second letter) “Dear most honorable Don.”
LOUIE: We’re screwed.
VITO: I ought to knock your block off! You are so stupid sometimes. I guess we will just have to hope they get to the right Don.
LOUIE: So we got a couple of letters for a couple of Dons.
VITO: And it is going to give us a handful of problems.
LOUIE and VITO exit as the lights
fade down.