A Novel One Act
By Dave Tucker
CAST
Jay, (30 – 50), novelist
Mac, (30 – 50) novelist
Edna (30 – 50 ), publisher
Shirley (20 – 50 ) waitress
Fictional Characters
Diego / Kidnapper / Lance – male (20 –40)
Consuela / Lady/ Doris – female (20 – 30)
Captain / Cop / Agent Taylor – male (30 – 50)
THE TIME
The present.
THE PLACE
Scene one. The mind of J. Noble Preston, novelist.
Scene two. The local tavern.
Scene three. The mind of Dexter McQuayle, novelist.
Scene four. The local tavern.
Scene five. The mind of J. Noble Preston, novelist.
Scene six. The local tavern.
Scene seven. Another fictional scenario.
Scene eight. The local tavern.
Scene 1
SETTING: The set is divided into two parts
- a table at the local tavern where Jay and
Mac often do their writing, and an open space
which will serve as the setting for the
fictional vignettes of the play.
SOUND: snare drums and marching boots.
Lights up stage right. DIEGO is standing
with his hands tied behind his back as if
facing a firing squad. CONSUELA is on her
knees hugging his legs and crying.
CONSUELA: No, Diego! Do not let them do this!
CAPTAIN enters.
CAPTAIN: Get away you stupid wench. Today is a day for celebration. Today Diego shall die.
CONSUELA: No!
CAPTAIN kicks CONSUELA away and she
lies sobbing on the ground.
CAPTAIN: So, Diego, you have finally come to the end of your journey. Would you like a blindfold?
DIEGO shakes his head.
CAPTAIN: Very well. You were always braver than you were wise. I have been waiting for this moment my entire career. Finally, you will humiliate me no longer. Cigarette?
DIEGO spits on the CAPTAIN.
CAPTAIN: Perhaps not. You have such spirit, Diego, but that spirit will soon dry up when the life flows out of your body like a babbling brook that is swallowed by the parched earth under the furious sun. It is almost sunrise. Do you have any final words?
DIEGO pauses and attempts to speak.
Nothing comes out. He tries to speak, but
says nothing.
CAPTAIN: Okay, what would Diego say? Let’s see, he’s a legend, a folk hero, a living symbol of the Revolution.
CAPTAIN begins to pace, talking to
himself while DIEGO watches him intently.
CAPTAIN: He’s laughing in the face of death, defying the authorities, showing that his purpose is greater than any bodily harm that this corrupt government could possibly administer. How about …
DIEGO: My only regret is that I have but one life to give for my country.
CAPTAIN: No, no, that’s too Nathan Hale.
DIEGO: Give me Liberty or give me Death.
CAPTAIN: Been done – that’s the wrong revolution.
DIEGO: I want my mommy.
CAPTAIN: No, that’s what I would say. Not Diego. Diego is a hero. He’s like Zorro and Robin Hood and Underdog – all rolled up into one. Ahhh, how about …
DIEGO: Hey, Sweetheart, bring me a light beer.
DIEGO, CONSUELA, and the CAPTAIN
are surprised by the remark. Blackout.
SHIRLEY: (in darkness) One light Beer – comin’ up.
Lights up on the tavern, JAY is sitting at a
table, writing in a notebook. MAC crosses
towards him.
MAC: Make that two. One for my good friend J. Noble Preston, the great novelist.
JAY: Cut it out, will ya?
MAC: Sorry, man, did I break your concentration?
JAY: My train of thought just left on an express run to Chicago.
MAC: Hey, that’s pretty good. Mind if I used it?
JAY: You already did. I was quoting your second novel.
MAC: Clones in Petticoats? Where was…. Oh yeah, when Brady discovers the truth about the pharmacy.
JAY: That’s it.
MAC: I didn’t know you even read it.
JAY: Sometimes I like to compare our styles.
MAC: What’s to compare? I’m all “frantic-suspense-edge of your seat” and you’re that historical embellishment stuff.
JAY: Thanks. I’m not talking about content. I’m referring to your literary style, turn of phrase ……
MAC: Hey, I just write the stuff - don’t ask me to understand it.
SHIRLEY enters, delivers two beers.
SHIRLEY: Two light beers.
MAC: Thanks, Shirley.
JAY: Make sure the check goes to Dexter McQuayle.
SHIRLEY: Who’s that?
JAY: Mac.
SHIRLEY: Your name is Dexter?
MAC: Don’t rub it in, Sweetheart. I was named after my great grandfather.
SHIRLEY: I guess “Block Head” was already taken as a family name.
SHIRLEY exits.
MAC: I swear she loves me. So how’s it going?
JAY: I’m stuck.
MAC: I hate that.
JAY: I’ve got Diego in front of a firing squad and I can’t think of anything good for him to say as his last words.
MAC: You’re doing another Diego book?
JAY: Yeah, you have a problem with that?
MAC: No, it’s just that you’ve written about seven of them.
JAY: Two. Only two. This will be the third and last.
MAC: This is the last Diego book?
JAY: Yes.
MAC: Well, then that’s easy.
JAY: What’s easy?
MAC: His last words. Just have him yell “Fire away.”
JAY: Thanks a lot.
MAC: “And don’t miss!”
JAY: You’re a jerk, Mac.
MAC: What? It’s his last book. His last words could really be his last words.
JAY: Not in Chapter Two.
MAC: You’re only on Chapter Two?
JAY: Yeah.
MAC: Not good. Isn’t Edna going to be here soon?
JAY: Next week.
MAC: Oh, crap.
JAY: You said it. She’s gonna want to see a manuscript.
MAC: A finished manuscript.
JAY: How about you? You got anything good?
MAC: No, I’m stuck.
JAY: Too bad. My story keeps going in circles. I just feel blocked.
MAC: Don’t say that!
JAY: Sorry, I didn’t mean “blocked.”
MAC: We are not “blocked.”
JAY: Not at all.
MAC: We’re just between inspirations…
JAY: There’s no such thing as writer’s block.
MAC: A complete myth.
JAY: Only a fable.
MAC: An old wives’ tale.
BOTH: Writer’s block does not exist.
JAY and MAC – high five.
MAC: (nodding toward an unseen character) Hey, who’s that guy over there?
JAY: Mister Bushy Moustache and Receding Hairline?
MAC: Yeah. Whatta ya think?
JAY: I don’t know, …..international spy?
MAC: Former KGB?
JAY: Yeah, Vladimir Stakoyachev, the Soviet Union’s most talented cryptographer.
MAC: What’s that?
JAY: Code breaker.
MAC: Oh, yeah. Came to the States in ’92 and spilled his guts to the CIA.
JAY: Because the Soviet government had framed him for atrocities he did not commit.
MAC: Those bad Soviets!
JAY: Witness Protection?
MAC: Yeah, now living in the suburbs under the name of Harvey S. Wallace.
JAY: The “S” stands for?
MAC: Stalin.
JAY: Profession?
MAC: Other than ex-spy?
JAY: Yeah, what’s his day job?
MAC: Librarian at Central Community College.
JAY: Librarian?
MAC: Yeah, his experience in cracking codes gave him the upper hand at deciphering the Dewey Decimal System.
JAY: Nice touch.
MAC: Wife and kids?
JAY: None. His career took precedence.
MAC: That’s too easy.
JAY: Sorry - just can’t imagine our super spy pushing Vladimir Junior on the swing set.
MAC: Good point.
JAY: What’s his secret?
MAC: The one thing that he didn’t tell the CIA.
JAY: Oooo nice. Which is?
MAC: He’s still looking for someone.
JAY: The man with the artificial arm?
MAC: Artificial leg.
JAY: Better yet. And whyt is Vladimir chasing this Comrade Limp-owitski?
MAC: He wants the artificial leg.
JAY: Why?
MAC: Something valuable is hidden inside the leg.
JAY: Microfilm.
MAC: Of course.
JAY: The microfilm that contains the evidence which will exonerate him for the trumped up charges against him.
MAC: And clear his name, allowing him to return to his homeland as a hero.
JAY: And the plot twist?
MAC: The man with the artificial leg was killed in an automobile accident.
JAY: But the prosthetic leg was donated to a local hospital.
MAC: And was, in turn, given to an underprivileged teenage boy who had his leg amputated after a pole vaulting accident.
JAY: Kind of an artificial organ donation.
MAC: Naturally.
JAY: Which is significant because…..?
MAC: This teenage boy now attends Central Community College…
JAY: And works as part time help in the library…
MAC: Under Vladimir’s supervision.
High five. SHIRLEY enters and removes
beer bottles.
SHIRLEY: Are you guys playing your silly game again?
MAC: Of course.
SHIRLEY: Who is it this time?
JAY: Two O’clock. Moustache, receding hairline.
SHIRLEY: Oh, Randy? He’s the marketing manager for Lear Financial. What were you guys thinking?
JAY: Russian spy.
SHIRLEY: Well that’s better than the last one. Remember Lonnie, from Simmons Accounting? What was he again?
MAC: Alien Warlord.
SHIRLEY: That’s right. Well at least you’re staying on the same planet.
SHIRLEY exits.
JAY: She has no imagination.
MAC: She’s not a writer.
JAY: Doesn’t look below the surface.
MAC: Misses the colorful possibilities.
JAY: Too deeply imbedded in reality.
MAC: And worst of all…
BOTH: SHE’S NEVER BEEN PUBLISHED!
High five.
MAC: I’d better get to work. I’m short by about twelve chapters.
JAY: Good luck.
MAC: Are we bowling tomorrow night?
JAY: No, man, I need to work on this before Edna shows up.
MAC: Right. I should probably do the same. ‘Night, Jay.
JAY: Wait up. I’ll walk home with you. I could use some fresh air.
MAC and JAY exit as the lights fade out.
