January. Named for the god Janus. Who, from his perch, could look at the year behind him and with his other face, looked the the year ahead. I guess that makes this deity two-faced.
Did he have other two-faced qualities? Like when the Gods and Goddesses all got together and threw a major office party. Did Janus mix and mingle with the rest? (Shhhh,,,Let's eavesdrop...) "Hey Minerva! How ya doing? Still in the textile business? You look great! I see you slimmed down a lot and you're doing your hair different. You look mahvelous dahling!" He hugs her and pats her fanny and moves on. "Zeus!!! You look fantastic! No really, You DO!! Geez, did ya see Minerva? She looks awful with the bleached blonde hair and her butt is humongous. She has let herself go, BIG TIME! He hugs Zeus, slaps him on the back, carefully avoiding the lightning bolts Zeus always carries and heads for the bar where the Norse gods are settled in.
"Yo! Loki! And Thor! Did ya bring some ice with yez like always?
You hear about Zeus? Business trouble. Yeaaaahh....He had a lot of paper go bad on him. You know that minor god, Oh,,What's his name??? N-something. Wait! I got it!! N-Ron. Anyhow Zeus and a lot of the big boys really got douched! He doesn't think anyone knows. Real shame. Hey! Did ya notice that Bacchus isn't here tonight?
Uh-Huh. Yeah, he always tended bar. He's in re-hab. Yup, Yup. Lot of fun he was but he couldn't handle it. So how's your wives doing? You never bring them to these bashes. They're gorgeous girls! That's why you don't bring them I bet. Those Greek gods would be all over them!
Well, Take care, great to see youse guys. Call me sometime?"
The three Fates are sitting in a little group as he plops down next to them.
Girls, you are a sight for sore eyes! I was talking to the Norse bunch over there at the bar? You know how they never bring the wives with them? Truth is, they are the ugliest females any one ever laid eyes on!
HAHAHAHA! Hey, what do you think of Minerva's hair-do? I think it's BEEYOUTIFULLLL! She looks like a natural blonde. She's always saying how she thinks how you three could use a make-over. HA!"
And they named the first month of the year after this schmoozer? What were they thinking?
How about those resolutions? Is this the year you finally keep them longer than 72 hours? I never did make any. At least none that I had to keep. I know me better than that.
I make resolutions like; "I will not eat any Polar Bear stew this year."
or "I will not run for public office." And "I will not wear red underwear." Now for me, those are realistic! If you feel compelled to make resolutions, make ones there is no problem keeping.
Some people do keep there resolutions. I can't imagine what they do for fun! Do you think they maybe, LIE about it? Like...
"My New Years resolution is to give up smoking."
(That's easy... They never did smoke.)
"My resolution is to eat only healthy food."
(Whose idea of 'healthy'? Poison mushrooms are, after all, organic.)
"My resolution is to never tell a lie to my mate."
(You may have to stop speaking completely.)
"My resolution is to drive more carefully."
( Should'nt be a problem, You lost your license with the DWI last New Years Eve.)
"My resolution is to stop drinking."
( At least until St. Patrick's Day.)
Am I accusing my fellow human beings of hypocrisy? HMMM......
Uh...Yeah!
"Never tell a lie if the truth will work." Maybe I have that bass-ackwards. I will here quote one of the most admired politicians of the past Millennium... "I never had sex with that woman!" He never said his idea of sex was a full-tilt, (I would have said full-blown but for obvious reasons, I didn't.) OK,, a full-tilt missionary genital assault. And if he didn't do that, he didn't have sex.
For a large percentage of the population, he was a pretty good president. I liked him because he liked music like Fleetwood Mac. If he had that much free time and the country managed to survive, he was O.K. in my book.
2002 was a banner year here in New Jersey. We had a guy running for the state senate and at almost the last moment, there was some disclosure about less-than-ethical practices. (Notice I didn't say Unethical. Less-than-ethical sounds slightly better than Unethical.)
Then they trotted out one of our political cadavers. Dusted him off, he said he'd retired, shined him up with a little Lemon Pledge and wheeled him out in front of the voters. Of course, he got it! He was the only one they recognized!
New Jersey found out, at great expense, the E-Z pass toll system didn't work very well. Anyone who ever went through a toll booth line maze could've told them that for free! Our former Gov is the one who inflicted that on us, along with the Motor Vehicle inspection mess. That system was designed in sunny California. A normal N.J. winter proved it was useless for any month that had an 'R' in it. The Gov Christy was then given a step up, (or sideways), to something in the Environment Circus. That should leave our toxic waste dumps open and glowing.
We were famous for having the highest auto insurance rates in the country. We lost first place and I don't want to know who won it.
I think we now have the award for the highest malpractice insurance rates. This was inevitable once we had one (1) more Lawyer than we had doctors.
But that's last years troubles. Let's let Janus take a look forward to see what's in store for 2003.
Communications--- A huge leap forward. We have all these laws about cell phones. It's illegal to use them when driving. Someone did a study and determined that if you're driving and use a cell phone, you get distracted by the conversation. They are partially correct. Holding a cell phone, drinking coffee, eating a Krispy Kreme donut and styling your hair while driving....? Well, that's do-able for any NJ girl. Unless you are using your cell phone to call the phone company to ask why your voice mail isn't working? That's where you get DISTRACTED!!!
The fact is the phone companies have made it impossible to communicate with them. It has become an immunity challenge to find a human being to talk to when you call a phone company. You will get a 'Voice Menu', "Press 1 to speak in English, press 2 for Spanish." And if I only speak Spanish and I don't understand what they said? No, I don't know either. I'm waiting for the day the phone companies realize how much $$ they are losing by having toll-free #'s to reach them.
I actually spent 2 1/2 hours being shuttled from one 'voice menu' to another and another. I threw all caution to the winds and pressed a number that had nothing to do with the info that I really needed. VOILA!
I got a human! No, they couldn't answer my question but they put me through to a whole new group of 'voice menus' who, eventually, hung up on me. I did solve the problem. I switched phone companies. This is the third phone company I've had in 2 years. I am going to start my own communication company. I will connect two empty soup cans with a piece of string. Long distance will be either pigeons or smoke signals.
OHO! Janus says we will have a lot of fluctuation in gasoline prices. He says he sees us all riding horses to work. I do believe that is already happening in our state capital. What else would explain all the horse shit coming out of Trenton? WHOA, TRIGGER!!! Don't go in the E-Z pass lane!
Financial Future... Janus is standing on a chair so he can see a little further into the future. WOW!!! He seems to be seeing something like an amusement park! Disneyland? Dollywood? Six Flags? He mumbles something about a roller coaster. WHAT?? Oh...sorry. He was talking about the Stock Market.
Can we bear to look ahead? I don't want to know what's coming. Fleetwood Mac sings, "Don't stop thinking about tomorrow. Don't stop, it'll soon be here." Great song, lousy philosophy.
Have a terrific 2003 and try not to make the same blunders as you did in 2002. Make some new and innovative mistakes this year.