Seinfeld
© By Richard McCusker (jotoma@bellsouth.net)
SCENE ONE: Jerry’s Apartment - Jerry is sprawled on couch. Door flies open and Kramer enters.
Kramer: (yelling) " Jerry! Jerry!"
Jerry: "Oh, hi, Kramer." (no reaction to Kramer's urgency)
Kramer: "Look! Look what I got!" (flashes a beat-up wallet)
Jerry: "Yeah, it's a wallet. So?"
Kramer: "Yeah, yeah, a wallet! I found it, Jer!"
Jerry: (sitting up a bit straighter) "Oh, yeah, anything in it?"
Kramer: "It's loaded, Jerry, it's loaded. Look! Look! (spreads open wallet)
Jerry: "Gee, that looks like a lot of cash. How much?"
Kramer: "Three hundred and twelve bucks, Jerry. A big wad, huh, mucho buckos!"
Jerry: "Wow! Any ID?"
Kramer: "Nah, nothin'. Just the moolah. Manna from Heaven!"
Jerry: (now rising from the couch, interested) "Where'd you find it?"
Kramer: "Right on the seat of the bus." (pats an imaginary seat)
Jerry: "Geez, maybe you should’ve asked the driver who was sitting there."
Kramer: (agitated and whiny) "I did, Jer, I did. He yelled at me! ‘How should I know, Mac? What'm I, a host?’ (serious now) A nasty man, Jer, a real gruff guy!"
Jerry: "D'ja tell him you found the wallet?"
Kramer: "Are you kiddin', Jer, with his attitude? Tell me he was gonna turn it in or sumpin. Oh, yeah, fat chance!"
Jerry: (stretching) "Yeah, I see your point. So, what are you gonna do, just keep it?"
Kramer: "Hey, Jer, what else can I do? There's no ID!"
(doorbell rings - Jerry goes to speaker and buzzes George up.)
Jerry: (turning back to Kramer who is moving toward refrigerator) "Well, I dunno. Maybe you should try to find the owner. That's a lot of money."
Kramer: "Hey, Jerry, how? Tell me that. You know how many people ride the Uptown?" (pours himself a glass of milk)
(George enters, dejectedly)
George: (falling onto couch) "My own mother!"
Jerry: "Hi, George. Guess what Kramer found."
George: "I don't believe it. I don't believe it."
Jerry: "What?"
George: "It really stinks, Jerry. This really stinks! My own mother!"
Jerry: "What?"
Kramer: "Hey, George, look what I found." (flips wallet with one hand while guzzling milk with the other hand.)
George: (forgets his own problem for a moment) "Hey, any money in it?"
Kramer: "Three hundred and twelve big ones."
George: "Phew! Who lost it?"
Kramer: "Anonymous, George my boy, anonymous!"
George: (eyes bugging out slightly) "You mean no ID?"
Kramer: "Yeah. Manna from Heaven!"
Jerry: "I really think you should try to find the owner. Poor soul may be destitute."
Kramer: "Hey, Jerry, can I afford to carry a wad like this around?"
Jerry: "No, you're pretty destitute yourself, but maybe it was rent money or somethin'."
George: "Would you believe she gave it all to my cousin?"
Jerry: (puzzled) "What are you talkin' about, George?"
George: "My yoyo collection."
Kramer: (excited) "Hey, hey, I'm good with a yoyo."
Jerry: "So, what about it? Who gave it away?"
George: "My mother. She found it with the stuff they moved down to Florida. I had two dozen yoyos, all different. Beauties!"
Kramer: "D'ja have a Black Knight? That's my favorite."
Jerry: "So, who'd she give 'em to? Boys Town?"
George: (disgusted look on face) "No, she gave them to my cousin, Joshua, who lives down there, bratty Joshua."
Jerry: "You're Joshing!"
George: "Cut it out! This is serious. It really stinks!"
Kramer: "Hey, George, how about the Glitter Ghost? One of those?"
Jerry: "How come you know so much about yoyos, Cosmo, or dare I inquire?"
Kramer: "I used to enter contests, remember? The Kiwanis Karnival when we were kids?"
Jerry: "Did ya ever win?"
Kramer: "Almost once, but I was disqualified."
George: (interested now in this exchange) "Disqualified? For what?"
Kramer: "Waxed string. They said I waxed my string."
George: "So, did you?"
Kramer: (indignant) "So what! It was my yoyo. Is that any different from Wormy Weinstein?"
Jerry: "Wormy Weinstein! Gee, what ever happened to him?"
Kramer: "He used to soak the whole thing in linseed oil before the contest."
Jerry: "No, I mean what happened to him?"
Kramer: "Nothin'. And he won second place twice!"
George: "He runs his old man's furniture business over in Jersey now."
Jerry: "Good old Wormy. Bet that mahoghany is well oiled."
Kramer: "Wonder where he got that moniker, Wormy."
Jerry: "He changed his name from Cosmo."
George: "Actually, he used to swallow worms in biology class. Made Becky Simon pass out cold. You remember her, Jerry."
Jerry: "Just faintly." (smiles)
George: "Funny thing is, she married the guy."
Jerry: "Wow, she really fell hard for the worm master, huh!"
Kramer: "So what about the wallet, Jerry?"
Jerry: "I think you ought to report it to the bus company office. That's what I think. Don't tell them how much money. Just say that you found a wallet on the Uptown and what time."
George: "And just leave your phone number. Don't give them the wallet for Pete's sake."
Kramer: "But, Jerry, this isn't my problem. Let the guy who lost it look for me!"
Jerry: "But, what if he doesn't know where or when he lost it?"
Kramer: "Manna from Heaven! Manna from Heaven!"
George: "Maybe it's an old lady."
Jerry: "Yeah, Kramer, how about that? An old destitute lady!"
Kramer: "Geez."
George: "Come on, Kramer. You'll feel better."
Kramer: "Geez. I guess so."
Jerry: "Maybe there'll be a reward. A yoyo maybe!"
George: "Knock it off, Jerry. That collection meant a lot to me."
Jerry: "Oh yeah, then how come you let your folks scoff off with it?"
George: "I just forgot about it for awhile."
Jerry: "When was the last time you looked at it?"
George: (whispers) "In high school."
Jerry: "What was that?"
George: (louder) "Okay, in high school! That doesn't mean I didn't want it, does it?"
Jerry: "No. I can see you really treasured it."
Kramer: "Wow! Since high school. Long time. Bet it’d be worth money today."
Jerry: "Yeah, to whom? Is there actually a long string of yoyo collectors out there?"
Kramer: "I would've bought a Black Knight just like that!" (snaps fingers)
Scene closes with George shaking head in disgust.
SCENE TWO: Restaurant booth - Jerry and Elaine seated
Elaine: "So, did Kramer get any calls on the wallet?"
Jerry: "I'm not even sure he reported it to the bus office."
Elaine: "He said he did. He also thinks it was a real dumb move."
Jerry: "Oh boy, here he comes."
(Kramer shoves self into booth beside Elaine)
Jerry: "What's up, Cosmo?"
Kramer: "It's your fault, Jerry. All your fault!"
Jerry: "What?"
Kramer: "The phone calls. The telephone. It never stops!"
Jerry: "What are you talkin' about?"
Kramer: "The phone, Jerry. They posted a notice at the bus office and gave my number. I never shoulda listened to you guys!"
Elaine: "You mean a lot of people are claiming the wallet? Come on, Kramer!"
Kramer: (whining) "Yeah, a lot, a whole lot! And some get pretty mad, too. Especially when I ask how much was in it. Oh no, they don't like that a bit! Geez, one guy says he can find out where I live, and he's gonna get me if I don't give him the dough. Can he find me?"
Jerry: (hardly reassuring-amused) "Well, yeah, I guess from a phone number they can find out where you live."
Kramer: (really alarmed now) "No kiddin'! Can they, Elaine?"
Elaine: "If Jerry says so, I guess they can."
Kramer: "What am I gonna do?"
Jerry: "Give it to the biggest guy that drops by I guess."
Kramer: "Cut it out, Jerry. I could really get hurt. (whines) Just cuz I tried to be an honest guy. What am I gonna do?"
Elaine: "Gee, Kramer, maybe you should tell everyone who calls that the owner already claimed the wallet."
Jerry: "Yeah, but then what about that destitute old lady?"
Kramer: "That's it, Elaine. You're right. Manna from Heaven! That's it! Manna from Heaven!"
(Enter George who pushes in beside Jerry)
Elaine: "Hi, Georgie. What's up?"
George: "Just got off the phone with my mother. She really gripes me."
Jerry: "Don't tell me you're still going on about that yoyo collection?"
Elaine: (snickers) "What yoyo collection?"
Kramer: "Oh, he had some real beauties, Elaine. Tell her, George."
George: "What's the point? The little creep has them now."
Jerry: "Can't she get them back?"
George: "Says she'd be embarrassed and doesn't want to create hard feelings. Forget my feelings! I'm just her son!"
Jerry: "Hey, George, just let them go. Once you've been ‘around the world’ what else is left?"
Kramer: "Oh yeah, Jerry, and what about ‘rock the cradle’ and ‘walk the dog’? (grows pensive) Geez, I'm gonna get me one."
Elaine: "Gee, you really never know a person. I had no idea that you were a yoyo aficionado, Kramer."
Kramer: "Oh yeah, I'm one of those."
Jerry: "Oh yes, clearly Kramer personifies a true yoyo."
George: "She says I should be glad that Joshua really appreciated the gift. Gift? What gift? I didn't give them to him! Not me! I don't even get a thank you!"
Kramer: "Okay, so what I'll do is call the bus office and have them pull down the wallet notice. Tell them I found the owner."
Jerry: "Tough luck, you wretchedly destitute old lady."
Elaine: "Manna from Heaven!"
Kramer: "My conscience is clear, Jerry. What am I gonna do? Set myself up as a target for some whacko? No way, baby!"
Elaine: "Manna, manna, manna!"
Jerry: "You could say in the notice that you were trying to find the destitute old lady who lost the wallet."
George: "Yeah, that would narrow the field."
Elaine: (getting into the spirit) "Why not make it the destitute old lady in the ragged lavender dress?"
Kramer: (interested in this approach) "Sure, that might do it."
George: "Doesn't take much to clear your conscience."
SCENE THREE: Jerry’s apartment - Jerry and George on couch
Jerry: "So it's a lost cause, the yoyo collection?"
George: "That little creep. Honest to God, if I had the collection back, I'd give it away. But, not to that jerk. He never even liked me."
Jerry: "Gee, and you always spoke so well of him."
George: "Well, I never did nuthin' to him!"
Jerry: "But you'd have enjoyed doin’ it, huh?"
George: "So I never liked him either, so what? Jerry, you'd hate that moron, too. He plays the cello, for Pete's sake!"
Jerry: "No!"
George: (with total disdain) "Yeah, the cello!”
Jerry: "He really has a thing for stringed instruments, huh?"
George: (glares at Jerry) "Ha, ha."
(doorbell rings - Jerry rises, buzzes up Elaine)
Jerry: "Come on up!" (into the speaker)
George: "Plays the cello, the little yoyo."
(Elaine enters)
Elaine: "Hey, Cosmo is pretty good, isn't he?"
Jerry: "Huh?"
Elaine: "Yes, didn't you see him? He's out on the sidewalk with his yoyo. He's actually pretty good,"
George: (angrily rushes to the window) "Are you guys mockin' me?"
Jerry: "Hey, George, relax. You know Kramer is a yoyo affixiato - like Elaine said. (Jerry joins George at window) He is good isn't he? I do believe he just completed a variation of ‘through the window’. A difficult maneuver, indeed."
Elaine: "I didn't hear the crash." (snickers and sits on couch)
George: (admiringly) "Well, he certainly does know how to handle that thing."
Jerry: "Ah, yes, a valuable asset in this city, being able to handle yoyos. (yells down) Hey, Cosmo, did you wax the string?"
(Kramer looks up and waves with his free hand. A few kids look on.)
George: (throwing himself back on couch with Elaine) "Man, I'd sure like to get those yoyos back. The whole business really stinks. My own mother!"
Elaine: (slaps George on knee) "George, look at it this way. It's not like playing with your yoyo was a daily thing with you."
George: (gives her a look) "They weren't to play with. It was a collection."
Jerry: "And admired by all, I must say."
George: (now gives Jerry a look) "Did you ever have a collection?"
Jerry: "Ah, indeed, ‘tis a strange and rare assortment of friends I have gathered through the years."
Elaine: "I have 125 pairs of earrings."
Jerry: "And here I thought you had 250 earrings."
George: "Same thing. At least you know what I feel, Elaine."
Elaine: "Yes, George, occasionally I am attached to those earrings." (toothy grin)
Jerry: (appreciates the wit) "And have you been seeing them lately?"
Elaine: "They keep popping in and out of my life." (snickers)
George: (shakes his head) "Yeah, yeah, yeah. No loss to you two!"
Elaine: "So has Kramer still got the wallet?"
Jerry: "Oh yeah, and he's still getting threatening calls from one guy. Claims he's gonna come around and dust old Cosmo off one of these days. Kramer's really worried."
Elaine: "Wow!"
George: "He shoulda just kept the money and shut up about it."
Jerry: "And what, pray tell, about the destitute old lady?"
Elaine: "In the lavender dress?"
George: "Come on, it probably belonged to a six-foot bookie, who was makin' his rounds."
Jerry: "Hmmm, that would explain the threats, wouldn't it."
George: "I wonder if I should call Joshua myself and tell him I want the yoyos back…or else."
Elaine: "You wouldn't. He's only a kid."
Jerry: "Oh yes he would. Have you considered taking a contract out on him, me bucko?"
George: "Who knows, maybe he'd be glad to give 'em back."
Jerry: "You might have to take the cello, too."
Elaine: "The cello?"
George: "Yeah, he's a real yoyo."
SCENE FOUR: Restaurant - Jerry and George in booth
Jerry: "So, you contacted Joshua, huh. What'd he say?"
George: "Geez, I hate that kid."
Jerry: "Come on, what'd he say?"
George: "He says he can't give them back, and wouldn't if he could."
Jerry: "Boy, he is a creep."
George: "Yeah, and worse. You won't believe what he did. Cello creep!"
Jerry: "Tell me. Tell me."
George: "Him and a couple of friends. Some fun! They're all sickos."
Jerry: "Come on, George, what happened? He gave 'em away?"
George: "Worse. They invented a new game, he told me."
Jerry: "Hey, Kramer should sit in on this."
George: "No, Jerry, Kramer wouldn't find this game funny. You probably will."
Jerry: "So, do tell!"
George: "The name of the game is ‘around the high tension wire’. How about that!"
Jerry: (aghast) "You're kidding!"
George: (outraged) "No, I'm not kidding! The little jerks tied them together to make bolas and flung them around the high-tension wires. Worse, the brat laughed when he told me about it. Seems my mother told him how much they meant to me. And I'm not through with her yet either. How'd she like it if I give away her recipe box?"
Jerry: "Careful now, old fella, that could be mighty self-destructive on visits south. The high tension wires, huh. That Joshua is a regular gaucho."
George: "Yeah, I'd like to string him up somewhere. Next to his aunt."
Jerry: "Let's not tell Kramer. He might try to get them down. To real affixiandios Florida is no distance at all. I'd hate to see him electrocute himself. Might make his hair stand on end!"
George: "Just shut up, okay!"
(Elaine enters and plops into booth)
Jerry: "And what's new with you, my dear?"
Elaine: "Jerry, do my ears look swollen? They really hurt."
Jerry: "Well, I'm truly not an ear man."
Elaine: "No, really. What do you think, George?"
George: "Your lobes are kinda red and sore looking."
Jerry: "So, what's the story? Have you been listening to cutting remarks?"
Elaine: "Funny. Funny. No, I had this crazy urge, and tried on 125 pairs of earrings last night to see how they looked."
George: (groans) "Here it comes!"
Elaine: "No, seriously. I got to thinking, what's the point of a collection if you don't take time to appreciate it once in a while." (stares off, with feigned philosophical insight)
Jerry: "Well, I think that's 'nuff said on that subject, right, George?"
(enter Kramer, wearing huge dark glasses)
Jerry: "Hey, Kramer. Who you hiding from? Don't tell me that guy is still after you."
George: "You still got the money?"
Kramer: "Oh yeah, I got it, but not for long."
Elaine: "No foolin'. You mean the lavender lady actually came along?" (smirks)
Kramer: "No, I have to pay most of it to the eye doctor." (pulls off glasses to display patch over eye)
George: "Geez, so the wacko caught up with you, huh."
Kramer: "Nah. (pulls out yoyo) I was doin' ‘around the world’ and the string somehow twisted. (whines) Oh my!" (flutters his fingers over injured eye)
THE END