"Hammy, where are you?" my mom called in a low, peculiar voice. I wanted to
reply, but nothing would come out of my mouth. What's happening to me? Am I in
the twilight zone? Am I going to be eaten by those evil humans?
Suddenly, I saw a tiny girl above me, lively and excited. She held me in her
hands and took a bite.
"Nooooooooo!" I screamed. But it was too late. A piece of the bun, the meat had
"Ewwww...what is this place?" I quickly remembered the lessons taught to me by
my biology teacher, Mr. Checkers. "After food enters the human, it goes into
their mouth. Ouch, ouch, ouch! She's chewing on me! Hey, young lady, cut it out!
Wait a second. If I'm in her mouth, that means I am in her saliva!! How gross..a
secretion from the salivary glands, and some of that slippery mucous, too!
Yuck!!! Oh, no! I see a cloud of mucous coming onto me. Oh no, that slippery
fluid people call mucous is heading my way. Well, it helps to lubricate and
moisten me before the girl swallows. Better move to the pharynx!
Ah, ha! The muscles here in the pharynx are starting to contract. That's a good
thing because it causes the epiglottis, to close the windpipe. I can see that
flap piece of tissue close now. It'll benefit me because this process prevents
me from entering the human's lungs, which can cause choking! I wouldn't want
that happen! It would be a very bad experience, and it might be fatal. Oh, look!
I see the esophagus up ahead. Captain, turn twenty degrees east, then move
north. We're taking another adventure.
So, I see that peristalsis has begun behind small a piece of the bun, and the
meat. That's good since the smooth muscles will contract and my meat and bun
will be squeezed through the digestive tract. Yes, I know that it isn't fun to
be squeezed into something, but this is how a human's digestive system works.
The good thing about me is that the different parts of me are pretty soft so I
don't need peristalsis to occur. It moves down the esophagus flawlessly. You
don't get it do you? I tricked you! Peristalsis didn't really happen because I'm
soft all over. Ha, ha. Okay, let's get back to being serious. Mighty captain, I
command you to turn south immediately towards the stomach.
Oh, no! That wasn't such a good move. I'm being digested into particles..it's
like I'm being buried alive! I'm being turned into that semisolid liquid called
chyme, and I look absolutely repulsive! Is that really me?? Is it at all
I look like when a person..throws up. I think I'm going to be sick myself. Wait!
I see something. It's that thing that neutralizes acids. What's that called
again? Oh yeah, gastric juice. Gastric juice?! Oh, no, I better run away
quickly! There's hydrochloric acid in it and it hurts. Darn, I didn't make it.
Ouch, ouch, I said ouch. Sheesh, do you have to hurt my bun and meat that way?
That really stung. It really did. Oh, well. It kills the unwanted bacteria in
me. There you go, bacteria. Now you know how it feels like to be fed to.
those enzymes are breaking down the protein molecules from my meat. I'm being
torn apart..doesn't anybody out there care? Hello?! *Anybody* out there? It's
that darn pepsin again, changing my wonderful protein into peptones, those 50
amino acid chains. Oh, and now I see the lipases. They're going to take a part
of me as well. They break down, or hydrolysize the fatty acids from the bun and
meat. I guess mucous isn't such a bad thing after a!
ll, since they will protect the girl's stomach cells. I hope the mucous lining
doesn't wear thin, or the nasty gastric juice just might attach the stomach
cells, which leads to an ulcer. Yikes!!
Wow, that was one long adventure in the stomach PHEW!! I'm panting and
sweating..anyway, we're here reporting live in the small intestine where most of
the chemical digestion in human vertebrates are known to occur. Wait, something
has happened! I have entered the duodenum. Oh great, here we go again. I am
chemically digested. Ewww..what's that stuff? Oh, I know! It's the bile salts.
And there's the pancreatic juice. I think I'm going to be sick...
Now, I'm going through the jejunum. Oh goody, the fats, carbohydrates,
water, and protein are being absorbed from my precious meat and beloved bun. I'm
being sarcastic, just to inform you. Look, there are more enzymes that the small
intestine has secreted. They're digesting me again....
Okay, I'm going through a lot here, hamburgers. How much am I getting paid to
do this, again? I'm standing here live in the pancreas of a young girl who took
a bite of me, and am currently in the process of digestion. I see that darn
pancreatic lipase..no, please, no..it's going to break me up into fatty acids. I
don't want to be broken up, can't you understand that??
Just..let..me..catch..my...breath.... I am reporting live from the liver of a
little girl. I can see the glucose molecules converting into glycogen which are
now commencing the process of storing my fats, proteins, and carbohydrates from
the meat, starch from the bun. No, the worst is yet to come. I see it now..it's
the bile, an emulsifier. It will break up my fats into very small droplets, but
it increases the surface area of the fats at the same time. Pray for me,
hamburgers. This might be my last minute as a freshly cooked hamburger.
Here, in the gall bladder, stores my worst enemy, the bile. I'm just under the
liver, and cannot wait to get to the large intestine. So, I'll go there right
We have travelled a long way, but we are finally at the large intestine, also
known as the colon. Here, the water from my bun and meat is being reabsorbed,
which concentrates wastes.
Humans don't particularly like talking about this section of the digestive
system because it is where feces are kept temporarily. The good thing about the
large intestine, folks, is that it produces vitamins which become absorbed. The
bad thing about this structure is that viral or bacterial infections can occur,
and irritate the colon. As a result, us hamburgers, and other foods, can cause a
decrease in water reabsorption (resulting in diarrhea). Another problem that all
hamburgers should be aware of. When too much water is reabsorbed, constipation,
feces becoming compacted and slow movers, results. It's really the human's fault
because it might be a lack of plant fibre and/or exercise. So exercise and eat
FINALLY, we are in the last stage of the rectum. I hope I'm getting paid a lot
for this. There must be some sort of compensation deal here...oops, sorry, we're
on the air!
We are live in the rectum, where the feces is stored until it is eliminated
by defecation through the anus. This will occur when the sphincter muscles
Well, folks, now you know what hamburgers must go through while being eaten by
those pesky humans. Watch out!"
I woke up, panting and sweating with perspiration. Whoa! That was a weird
set of dreams. First, I was a sailor on a ship, then I was a news anchor, and
was being eaten by a girl. I hope that never happens to me! Hmmm..maybe we
hamburgers must come up with a plan to eliminate the human race. Could it be
"Hammy! Are you up yet?" my mom asked from downstairs.
"Yes, mother. I have an idea." I smiled wickedly as I trotted down the
flight of fries.