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A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."

The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said "I'd like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east."

The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."

The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask sensible changes"

Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance.
She leaned over and pushed me!

Remember, old folks are worth a fortune, with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs.
You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes,just so long as you don't have to go along to.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting    for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

Turn signals are clues as to your next move. A real Chicago driver never uses them.

Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is considered "going with the flow".

The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your ABS kicks in giving a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the traffic begins to back up.

The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They are there to make Chicago look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the Chicago police car parked in the median.

Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.

Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.

Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Chicago driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush hour traffic in Chicago.

 Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape, keeps the existing litter from getting lonely, and gives Adopt-a-highway crews something to clean up.

Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours (especially pickup truck  drivers with stickers of Calvin peeing on a Ford, Dodge, or Chevy logo).
Learn to swerve abruptly. Chicago is the home of high speed slalom driving  thanks to IDOT, which places potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

It is traditional in Chicago to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.

Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of  way.

Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.

Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reason to change any of the previous listed rules.  These weather conditions are Gods way ensuring a natural selection  process for body shops, junk yards, and new vehicle sales.

Remember that the goal of every Chicago driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

Real Chicago women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at seventy-five mile per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic. Real Chicago men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

Experiment in Artificial Stupidity. A few beers short of a six-pack. Dumber than a box of hair. A few peas short of a casserole. Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. One taco short of a combination plate. A few feathers short of a whole duck. All foam, no beer. The cheese slid off her cracker. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. As smart as bait. Chimney's clogged. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. Forgot to pay her brain bill. Her sewing machine's out of thread. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. If she had another brain, it would be lonely. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. No grain in the silo. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Several nuts short of a full pouch. Skylight leaks a little. Slinky's kinked. Surfing in Nebraska. Too much yardage between the goal posts. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. The lights are on, but nobody's home. 24 cents short of a quarter.

Burnett, 23, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and  with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.  He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.  When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

Maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it, and the user doesn't see it. What is it?
Answer: A coffin

A child is born in Boston, Massachusetts to parents who were both born in Boston, Massachusetts. The child is not a United States citizen. How is this possible?
Answer: The child was born before 1776.

Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth?
Answer: Mount Everest--it just hadn't been discovered!

Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
Answer: Clara lives in the Southern hemisphere.

Captain Frank and some of the boys were exchanging old war stories. Art Bragg offered one about how his grandfather led a battalion against a German division during World War I. Through brilliant maneuvers he defeated them and captured valuable territory. After the battle he was presented with a sword bearing the inscription "To Captain Bragg for Bravery, Daring and Leadership. World War I. From the Men of Battalion 8." Captain Frank looked at Art and said, "You really don't expect anyone to believe that yarn, do you?" What's wrong with the story?
Answer: World War I wasn't called "World War I" until World War II.

What is one thing that all wise men, regardless of their religion or politics, agree is between heaven and earth?
Answer: The word "and.".

In what year did Christmas and New Year's fall in the same year?
Answer: They fall in the same year every year. New Year's Day just arrives very early in the year and Christmas arrives very late in the same year.

A woman from New York married ten different men from that city, yet she did not break any laws. None of these men died and she never divorced. How was this possible?
Answer: The lady was a Justice of the Peace.

Why are 1990 American dollar bills worth more than 1989 American dollar bills?
Answer: One thousand nine hundred and ninety dollar bills are worth one dollar more than one thousand nine hundred and eighty-nine dollar bills.

How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25?
Answer: Only once, then you are subtracting it from 20.

A taxi driver was called to take a group of passengers to the train station. The station is normally an hour away, but with traffic being extra heavy, it took a full hour and a half. On the return trip the traffic was still as heavy and yet it took only 90 minutes. Why?
Answer: An hour and a half IS 90 minutes.

How could you rearrange the letters in the words "new door" to make one word? Note: There is only one correct answer.
Answer: "one word"

Even if they are starving, natives living in the Arctic will never eat a penguin's egg. Why not?
Answer: Penguins live in the Antarctic.

Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
Answer: Neither--the yolk of the egg is yellow.

In Okmulgee, Oklahoma, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
Answer: You have to take a picture of a man with a camera, not with a wooden leg.

There were an electrician and a plumber waiting in line for admission to the "International Home Show." One of them was the father of the other's son. How could this be possible?
Answer: They were husband and wife.

After the new Canon Law that took effect on November 27, 1983, would a Roman Catholic man be allowed to marry his widow's sister?
Answer: He can't because he's dead.

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk; a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a can of beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said,"Look Doc, this is my first exam.... I know what the K-Y is
for... and I know what the glove is for....but what's the BEER for????"

At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse!!!..... I said a BUTT LIGHT"

9. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.
8. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing."
7. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy."
6. Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.
5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?"
4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?!?"
3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.
2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"
1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE.

A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty' So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!"

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box.
That man is his lawyer."

A hobo came up to the front door of the neat looking farmhouse and knocked gently on the door. When the owner answered, the hobo asked, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days." The owner said, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I never give anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the hobo went around back and a little later he again knocked on the door. The owner said, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in." The hobo said, "Thank you very much, sir. But there is something that I think you should know. It's not a Porch, it's a BMW."
 

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I wonder then, just how serious is my condition. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

Duct Tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. The only difference is that "May The Force be with you"sounds a lot nicer than May you be covered in duct tape."

A politician awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the curtains closed?" he asked. "Is it night?" A nurse replied, "No, it is just that there is a fire in the building across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."