Neither Type Nor Category
by
Yang Qian
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translated by Mary Ann O'Donnell
Characters
Euro-American Woman (Whitey)
Chinese Woman (Woman)
Peter (Played by Woman)
Husband (Played by Woman)
¡@Place: A room
Time: Night
WHITEY and WOMAN sit facing each other, as if each were looking at her reflection in a mirror. WHITEY brushes her hair as she does every night before sleeping. WHITEY and WOMAN size each other up, asking pensively.
Whitey
What are you looking at?
Woman
What are you looking at?
Whitey
A foreigner.
Woman
A foreigner.
Whitey
What¡¦s your name?
Woman
What¡¦s your name?
Whitey
Why are you mimicking me?
Woman
Why are you mimicking me?
Whitey
You¡¦re a foreigner studying Chinese.
Woman
Actually, you¡¦re the foreigner; you¡¦re in China right now.
Whitey
Thanks for the update. In China, I am constantly reminded--
¡§You¡¦re a foreigner.¡¨
¡§Did I mention? You¡¦re a foreigner.¡¨
¡§You speak Chinese really well.¡¨
¡§You use chopsticks so effortlessly.¡¨
¡§You certainly relish Chinese food.¡¨
¡§Do you understand Chinese proverbs?¡¨
¡§Can you recite Tang Dynasty poems?¡¨
¡§Aiya, you¡¦re even better than our child.¡¨
So I ask, ¡§And how old is your child?¡¨
¡§Two. She just started speaking... E, e, e...¡¨
Woman
Singing, a goose crooks its throat to heaven.
Whitey
White feathers float on green water,
Woman
Red webs paddle through turquoise waves.
Whitey
This is the only poem I¡¦ve memorized.
Woman
And why do you want to become Chinese?
Whitey
Because I can¡¦t stand Chinese people staring at me and they stare every single day.
Woman
You turn heads! How great is that?! Just to get that second glance, Chinese women put themselves through the ringer. After beauty treatments, diets, perms, and breast enlargements, all that¡¦s left to do is trade in their faces. Are you sure it doesn¡¦t feel good to be the center of attention?
Whitey
You try it. 2.5 billion eyeballs crawling up and down your body. Suitable entertainment for young and old, male and female, no exceptions. And some of the women are even more outrageous. They pretend to be your friend, sidle up to you, and then surreptitiously rub your back to see if you¡¦re wearing a bra. I mean, if you think I¡¦m stuffing a little extra, ask. And if you won¡¦t take my word for it, I can always strip.
Woman (addresses audience)
Stupid foreigner.
Whitey
I know what you¡¦re thinking. A stupid foreigner. Correct, I am a stupid foreigner. I have stupidly lived in China for six years, stupidly learning the latest political phrases, like ¡¥when two hands grab, they should both be firm¡¦ and ¡¥the four supports and three representations¡¦. I¡¦ve even been stupid about learning teeny-bopper slang like ¡¥hot babe¡¦, ¡¥rocking¡¦; and ¡¥word¡¦. Stupid moi, I make friends with every Chinese person I meet, even the vendor who cheated me in the free market yesterday. Today when I meet up with him, I¡¦m going to smile my same stupid smile.
Whitey becomes motionless and looks at Woman. Again, the two again size each other up.
Woman
You¡¦ve been in China six years already, but you¡¦re still a foreigner. Why keep trying to master Chinese?
Whitey
I was once a visiting scholar at a major American Center for China Studies.
Woman
I know that. But you aren¡¦t under any obligation to study Chinese. A lot of sinologists can¡¦t speak Chinese.
Whitey
It¡¦s not about language. I wanted to become Chinese.
Woman
Why?
Whitey
Because I¡¦m not.
Woman
You¡¦re you, and ain¡¦t ever gonna be me, sister.
Whitey
You think you know my destiny? At any rate, I¡¦ve already left the United States.
Woman
Because...?
Whitey
One day, the Director came looking for me.
Woman
Peter, a third generation Chinese-American who can¡¦t speak Chinese, but when he insists on opening his mouth, it comes out guttural: ni hao...
Woman portrays Peter.
Peter
What¡¦s this funding application for? When I invited George to speak, we agreed there¡¦d be no honorarium.
Whitey
The school has specially designated funding to use on academic exchanges.
Peter
But George agreed to waive the honorarium. Did he change his mind?
Whitey
No.
Peter
Then why did you apply for funding?
Whitey
A little extra money and we can make your friend¡¦s visit that much more comfy. The money¡¦s there, why not apply?
Peter
Come again? Are you saying you applied for funding in George¡¦s name?
Whitey
Correct.
Peter
But you have no intention of telling George that he¡¦s eligible for an honorarium?
Whitey
You and he already agreed he¡¦d come for free, so why mention money? It¡¦s not like he¡¦s expecting anything.
Peter
I¡¦m still confused. Then what¡¦s the point of applying for funding?
Whitey
We don¡¦t gain anything by not applying, right? But with a little extra money, we can show George a better time.
Peter
Are you operating under Chinese pretences?
Whitey
Excuse me?
Peter
Rumor has it you¡¦re studying Chinese. Is this pre-trip practice in how to privately network public funds?
Whitey
I¡¦m not sure how a Chinese scholar would act in this situation. However, if they went for the money, I¡¦d say they were smart, too.
Peter
You probably will succeed in China.
Whitey gestures angrily at Peter, who disappears as Woman takes her place across from Whitey.
Woman
We might do an experiment to test your Chinese mettle.
Whitey
Chinese daughter-in-law, right?
Woman
I¡¦ll play your Chinese hubby.
Whitey
Would a Chinese household welcome me?
Woman
Ha. I think any Chinese household would welcome you.
Whitey
Really?
Woman becomes Husband. Husband sits to the side reading a newspaper. He puts down the newspaper and shows his face.
Whitey
How should we start?
Husband
With a kiss, of course.
Whitey
Huh?
Husband
I¡¦m joking. First things first. Ugly daughter-in-law must meet parents-in-law.
Place a chair at the front of the stage.
Whitey
Am I ugly?
Whitey looks in the mirror.
A little fat, but I¡¦ve been dieting recently.
Husband
Who doesn¡¦t want to eat delicious food? I suspect that¡¦s why she stayed in China.
Whitey
I stayed because I love you.
Husband
Say it again.
Whitey pulls Husband to his feet.
Husband
We¡¦re home.
Whitey
That¡¦s your mother?
Husband
Yup, that¡¦s mom.
Whitey
Your mother, not ¡¥mom¡¦. Remember she¡¦s your mother, not our ¡¥mom¡¦.
Husband
Technically, she¡¦s my mother, not yours, but now she¡¦s ours.
Whitey
So you want me to call her ¡¥mom¡¦.
Husband
If you don¡¦t call her ¡¥mom¡¦, what are you going to call her? Grandma?
Whitey
But she¡¦s your mother, not mine.
Husband
That¡¦s not the point. You have to call her ¡¥mom¡¦.
Whitey
You don¡¦t have to call my mother ¡¥mom¡¦; you use her name.
Husband
Over there in your country. Here, in the territory of the People¡¦s Republic of China, you call my elderly mother ¡¥mom¡¦.
Whitey
Have to.
Husband
Absolutely.
Whitey
No way around it.
Husband
None. Imagine what it took for my mother to raise me. How I finally brought home a daughter-in-law. And then, no ¡¥mom¡¦. Even if it doesn¡¦t give her a heart attack, she¡¦ll still never recover from the shock.
Whitey
It¡¦s not that I don¡¦t want to call her ¡¥mom¡¦, it¡¦s just awkward. You do realize she¡¦s your mother. I only call my mother ¡¥mom¡¦.
Husband
Then pretend she¡¦s your mother. Same older woman, same wrinkled eyes, and when she laughs, it¡¦s the same toothless mouth. The image of benevolence.
Whitey
Your mother has teeth.
Husband
False teeth. If she gets sad and starts to cry, they¡¦ll fall out. Is that what you want? Her teeth on the floor?
Whitey
No.
Husband
If you don¡¦t call her ¡¥mom¡¦, she¡¦ll cry. I¡¦m just guessing, but I think if you don¡¦t call her ¡¥mom¡¦, she¡¦ll force herself to smile that benevolent smile, gritting her false teeth until the sobs gush forth.
Whitey
You¡¦re kidding, right?
Husband
Would I lie to you? Yes. Okay, let¡¦s change our perspective here. I¡¦m begging you to do me a favor because you¡¦re my wife and wives help their husbands out of tight spots. We¡¦re going to pretend to be a model husband and wife. Put your heart into the script, and play the part of a warm, submissive Chinese daughter-in-law. For a few minutes, close your eyes and imagine the person in front of you is your mother. Say ¡¥mom¡¦.
Whitey
I can¡¦t.
Husband
You want to commit suicide, fine, I won¡¦t stop you, but before you do, you have to call the person in front of you ¡¥mom¡¦.
Whitey positions herself in front of Husband.
Whitey
Mom.
Husband
Correct.
Whitey
Mom.
Husband
See how easy it is.
Whitey
It¡¦s easy to call you anything. Because you¡¦re my husband, I could call you my beloved rat or little piggie...
Woman laughs.
Whitey
I mean, how did you call her ¡¥mom¡¦ the first time?
Woman
Chinese women do harder things than this. If you want to be a Chinese daughter-in-law, start by saying ¡¥mom¡¦.
Whitey
Okay. Anything Chinese women can do, I can do. Let¡¦s go call her ¡¥mom¡¦.
Whitey links arms with Husband for several steps, suddenly stops.
Whitey
You don¡¦t have a father, do you?
Husband
Listen to her. Do I have a father? Of course I have a father.
Whitey
I¡¦m not trying to insult you.
Husband
No, you¡¦re flattering me.
Whitey
I just wanted to know if your father was still living...
Husband
I apologize, but my father is still alive and well.
Whitey
Do I have to call him ¡¥dad¡¦?
Husband stares at Whitey without speaking.
Whitey
I¡¦m really sorry, but I can¡¦t call your mother and father ¡¥mom and dad¡¦.
Husband
So in the end it¡¦s dad who breaks mom¡¦s heart. Will she never hear her daughter-in-law call her ¡¥mom¡¦? Listen, my father is even more virtuous than my mother. When he walks, he keeps his eyes on the ground to avoid stepping on ants. This is goodness. Neighbors call him the living Buddha.
Whitey
I¡¦m sure your father¡¦s a saint.
Husband
And yours isn¡¦t?
Whitey
Exactly. My father wasn¡¦t, isn¡¦t, and has no plans to be good to me. I¡¦ve never called the man anything other than his name. So, how am I going to use paternal endearments in your house?
Husband
Tell me, do you have any intention of respecting our marriage?
Whitey
We could forget it.
Husband
Forget it? No. I make concession after concession and she says, ¡¥forget it¡¦ and we forget?! Unacceptable. Today, I¡¦m taking you home to meet my mother. Because you¡¦re a foreigner, we¡¦ll respect your human rights, but you have to consider our customs. When we enter our family home, you do daughter-in-law. I don¡¦t care how you do it, but you have to respectfully address my mother. That said, whatever else you do, I¡¦ll support. Okay?
Whitey address audience.
Whitey
I need a lifeline. Eh, could I call your mother ¡¥mother-in-law¡¦?
Husband
Women only call men¡¦s mothers ¡¥mother-in-law¡¦ behind their backs. Who says it to their face? (beat) Although, theoretically, it¡¦s permissible.
Whitey
But you promised, all I had to do was respectfully address your mother. Now, I can call her ¡¥mother-in-law¡¦ most respectfully.
Whitey prepares to rush over to the chair.
Husband
Wait a minute, I¡¦ll announce you first.
Husband approaches the chair.
Husband
Mom, this is my wife, your daughter-in-law. Hey, listen up. This is my mother, your mother-in-law.
Whitey curtsies in traditional style
Whitey
Mother-in-law.
The two performers freeze.
Woman
Who are you?
Whitey
Who are you?
Woman
You don¡¦t recognize me?
Whitey
You¡¦re the Chinese person I dream of being but never will become.
Woman
But it¡¦s no big, sad deal. Why agonize over it? It¡¦s not like you¡¦re not already part of me.
Whitey
So now neither of us is pure, being neither a type nor belonging to a category, we are ourselves by way of somebody else.
Woman
It¡¦s not that complicated. When someone doesn¡¦t like you or what you do, you change, become another. And we all know someone like that.
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