JOKES
A Guy
So a guy goes in to see his doctor, who tells him "Well, I have good news and bad news.
Which do you want first?"
The guy says "I guess I'll take the good first."
The doctor says "I'll read you your test results: "patient has only 72 hours to live."
The guy says "Holy shit! What the fuck is the BAD news???"
The doctor says "Well, we've been trying to reach you for 2 days..."
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Q: How did the Roman warrior feel after performing cunnilingus on the Emperor's wife?
A: He was gladiator!
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Two Men
Two men are talking in the bar sharing their sob stories. One man says,
"I had the worst Freudian Slip the other day."
The other man responds, "What is a Freudian Slip?"
"You know, it's when you mean to say one thing,
but you say something else that reveals what you are really thinking about.
Like the other day I was at the airport and this really beautiful lady was helping me.
Instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh',
I asked her for 'to Pickets to Tittsburgh."
The second replies, "Oh, now I know what you are talking about.
It's like the other day when I was having breakfast with my wife.
I wanted her to pass me the Orange Juice, and instead I said,
"YOU RUINED MY LIFE YOU FUCKING BITCH!"
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A Mulher do amigo
Dois casais estão jogando baralho.
De repente, João deixa cair umas cartas no chão.
Quando ele se dobra para baixo da mesa para pegar as cartas,
ele nota que a mulher do Pedro não está usando calcinha.
Embaraçado, João bate a cabeça na mesa e se levanta com um certo rubor nas faces.
Mais tarde, João vai à cozinha para pegar uma cerveja e a mulher do Pedro o segue.
Ela pergunta: Você viu algo interessante debaixo da mesa?
João admite que sim, e ela continua: Pode ser seu, por apenas 100 reais!
João pensa um minuto, e diz que está interessado.
Eles combinam se encontrar às 14 hs da sexta-feira seguinte,
quando o Pedro estará no escritório, e o João de folga.
Na sexta-feira João vai à casa do Pedro e,
depois de uma sessão de sexo como fazia tempo que ele não tinha,
ele paga à mulher os 100 reais combinados.
Às 18 hs Pedro chega em casa e pergunta à mulher:
João esteve aqui hoje à tarde?
Relutantemente, a mulher dele responde que sim.
E ele lhe deu 100 reais? "Meu Deus! Ele sabe!" pensa ela.
E finalmente diz: Sim, ele me deu. Ah, bom! - responde Pedro.
Ele foi no meu escritório hoje e me pediu emprestado 100 reais,
e disse que devolveria hoje à tarde ao passar aqui em casa.
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Belo Amigo
Os três amigos viajavam juntos pela europa e dormiam sempre num único quarto,
porque a grana andava curta.
Certa feita, encontraram um hotelzinho tão vagabundo que só tinha uma cama de casal e,
como já era tarde, resolveram passar à noite ali mesmo.
Deitaram-se os três lado a lado e um deles, que tinha um mau hálito terrível,
foi orientado para que, quando quisesse falar, cutucasse os outros dois,
de maneira que eles poderiam se defender, enfiando a cabeça debaixo da coberta.
No meio da noite, o do mau hálito acorda e cutuca os amigos.
Estes enfiam a cabeça debaixo da coberta e perguntam:
- O que foi?
E ele:
- Peidei!
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Ejaculação Precoce
Sujeito vai ao médico.
- Doutor, tenho um sério problema de ejaculação precoce.
- Não se preocupe, eu tenho um ótimo método para curar isto. O senhor tem alguma arma?
- Tenho um revólver.
- Então o senhor faz o seguinte:
- Quando estiver fazendo amor com sua esposa e sentir que vai ejacular,
o senhor dá dois tiros pra cima.
Assim a cabeça desanuvia um pouco e o senhor não ejacula precocemente.
- Legal, doutor! Muito obrigado.
Um mês depois o cara volta ao consultório.
- E então, a terapia deu certo? - pergunta o doutor.
- Nada. Foi um desastre!
- Como? O que aconteceu?
- Uma noite eu cheguei em casa e a minha mulher estava cheia de fogo.
Nós começamos fazendo um 69. Quando eu senti que ia gozar, fiz como o senhor mandou,
peguei o revólver e dei dois tiros pra cima.
- E aí?
- Aí , minha mulher me mordeu um coiso, com o susto me cagou na cara,
e ainda saiu de dentro do armário um cara gritando: "Não me mate! Não me mate!"
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Mariazinha
A professora pergunta para a Mariazinha:
- Qual a capital de Sergipe?
Depois de pensar um pouquinho, ela responde:
- Não sei, professora!
E a professora:
- Eu vou lhe dar uma dica: uma parte do nome é uma coisa que a gente come.
Ela pensa mais um pouquinho.
- Já sei! Aracajú!
- Isso mesmo! Parabéns!
E o Joãozinho:
- Eu pensei que fosse Cuiabá, professora!
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ABOUT WOMEN
**Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
**Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
**Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America,
fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
**Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe,
exhausted but still has points of interest.
**After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn.
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The Twist
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.
He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door,
the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says. "That's cool" says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw?
I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw;
she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up,
and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt
and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation,
Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house,
slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
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Sharing The News
A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant.
The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly.
As she sat on the bus, on her way home,
she felt that she had to share the good news with someone.
The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.
Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever imagine.
I have to share it with someone or I'll bust.
She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.
The man shared her enthusiam as he shared his experience.
He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs.
He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had layed eggs.
He was so happy. he added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks."
The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too."
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Smelling Wood
A man in a bar, after several drinks,
began bragging that he could identify any type of wood by its smell only.
The patrons of the bar decided to test him.
The man was blindfolded and presented with several pieces of wood.
First they tried maple. He smelled it and said "that's maple".
They then tried ebony; he again smelled it and named the wood correctly.
He did this with ever piece of wood they brought before him.
The bartender then got an idea to trick him.
And they took one of the waitresses and put her crotch up to his nose.
He sniffed for a while. Boy he said this is difficult,
flip that board over and let me smell the other side.
So they took they waitress and put her ass near his nose.
He took a big whiff,
started to smile and said you guy can’t fool me that is the shit house door from a tuna boat!
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Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them,
then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table,
grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.
"He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again,
and he has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?"
asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt,
then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.
"He still eats everything in sight,
but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"