Title: What the Head Makes Cloudy
Author: Laura H
Rating: PG-13
Category: Angst, Friendship, Romance
Synopsis: Sequel to "Sweet Release". CJ and Leo go public with their
relationship. CJ gets a surprise that threatens to change their
lives forever.
Disclaimers: Needless to say, I don't own West Wing or the
characters. The title comes from the famous song "New York Minute"-
the Eagles version because I like it… "What the head makes cloudy,
the heart makes very clear. The days were so much brighter in the
time when she was here. But I know there's somebody somewhere make
these dark clouds disappear."

Part 1

"Well, I'm still upset to be the last one to find out, but I'll
ignore that for the time being. So, now that this is going to be all
out in the open, only one question remains. Where will you have the
wedding? The National Cathedral…Rose Garden…? Do we have enough time
to make it a summer wedding?" Jed rambles on as he shifts his shot
glass in his hand, looking back and forth at his guests. He is
completely overjoyed, that is obvious.

CJ looks uncomfortably at Leo sitting beside her on the sitting room
couch in the Residence. She was glad the President and Abbey had had
them for dinner tonight because it had given them the much needed
opportunity to tell the President about their progressing
relationship, but now the President wanted to discuss plans for their
none-existent wedding? She suddenly feels a little warm.

Seeing the strain in his lover's face, Leo reaches over and takes
CJ's hand before turning to the President. " Sir, it's April. And,
uh, CJ and I haven't discussed…"

"The kind of wedding you'd like?" Jed guesses. "Ah, that's alright. I
suppose I shouldn't be pushing you into anything."

Abbey laughs heartily, taking her husband's hand. "Jed, I don't think
they've even discussed marriage, so planning their wedding is a
couple of steps ahead, honey."

Jed looks confusedly from his wife to the couple on the couch in
front of him. "What do you mean? You've told all your friends and
family and you're about to go public, but you don't want to get
married?"

Again Leo looks at CJ first before turning to the President to
explain. " It's not that we don't want to get married, sir, more that
we haven't discussed it in detail yet. I…I haven't proposed." He
couldn't understand the President's hurry to marry them off. Sure he
knew he loved CJ and in the past six weeks or so that they had been
together he had been seriously considering spending the rest of his
life with her, but were they really ready for that yet?

Just then Charlie steps into the room from a hallway. "Mr. President,
Leo, you have a call from the French ambassador." He smiles
apologetically.

"We'll be right back, this won't take too long." Leo assures CJ,
turning to her and pecking her on the cheek before following the
President out of the room.

Abbey notices CJ doesn't watch Leo leave the room like she normally
would. Usually you couldn't get the two of them to take their eyes
off each other, let alone their hands. She thinks CJ is acting rather
withdrawn tonight, because she doesn't have the usual enthusiasm she
has when she and Leo talk about being together. It had taken over a
month for her to convince the two of them to tell Jed about their
relationship because they were just so stubborn. At first they had
just wanted some privacy, which could be understood, but then this
week they had told their family, friends and most of the staff. The
response was good for the most part, most people embracing the idea
that two people who care about each other had finally admitted their
feelings for each other. But for some reason on the night when Leo
and CJ should be the most happy and relieved of all, the night they
tell Jed, she looks tired and aloof, not altogether there. "Honey,
you alright?" Abbey asks sympathetically.

CJ is slightly startled by the sound of Abbey's voice. "Yeah, of
course." Her mind is elsewhere tonight. She has to clasp her hands
together to prevent anyone from noticing she is shaking. She knows
she should be happy the President took the news so well, but that
seems so trivial in comparison with what's going on in her head.

She sees CJ's shaken attempt at a nod. Something isn't right. Maybe
CJ was just more nervous than she let on. "Well, I told you he'd take
it well, didn't I? He's thrilled to pieces. He wants to plan your
wedding! He'll probably start naming your kids if you don't watch
out." Abbey laughs loudly to lighten the mood and help ease some of
the tension around CJ.

CJ turns white and her lips go dry. She can feel her stomach churn
and hot tears threaten to spill at any second. It's amazing how
quickly she can lose control. She wants to scream. " There won't be a
wedding." Is all she can say, very sternly. A wave of nausea hits her
hard and she throws a hand to her mouth. "Excuse me." She dashes off
in search of a bathroom, not worried about how rude that must have
looked.

Oh, God, here it starts, she thinks as she vomits into the toilet. CJ
can't control the tremors racking her body or the tears plaguing her
vision. She wishes this hadn't of happened now when they were
supposed to be having a nice dinner with the President and First Lady
and celebrating. Why couldn't she have had this kind of breakdown
when she had first found out hours earlier?

Slowly opening the door, Abbey pokes her head inside. "Honey?" When
she spots CJ bent over the commode, tears streaking her red face, she
immediately drops to the tiled floor. "Oh, baby, what's the matter?"
She wraps her arms around CJ's waist and pulls her into a loose
embrace, pushing back strands of stray hair.

She can't help but start to sob again when Abbey holds her close. She
wants to give in, but can't. "I'm…I'm so sorry for this. I…I threw up
in your toilet."

"Then you've got impeccable aim." Abbey smiles comfortingly, wiping
tears away. "Don't you worry."

But just then CJ's head disappears back into the toilet and Abbey has
to look away. She stands up and retrieves a cloth from a cupboard.
Abbey runs the cloth under water until it's just the right
temperature and then sits back down on the floor until CJ resurfaces.
She begins to dab CJ's beet red face with the cool cloth. " Do you
know what triggered this?"

CJ did know. It was probably the spices on the steak she could smell
coming from the kitchen. Anything spicy or strong tended to make her
nauseous these days. But what was she supposed to tell Abbey? " I
think I must be coming down with something." She shrugs it off trying
to be nonchalant. Of course, that wouldn't explain her outburst of
tears.

Abbey smiles knowingly, moving the cloth to CJ's neck. "Nothing that
won't go away in less than nine months, I presume?"

She freezes, meeting Abbey's gaze. How could she know? There were no
indications. She covered it so well. She had been hiding her nausea
from everyone, including Leo, for over a week now. She forces herself
to blink. "Wha…what do you mean?"

She's still smiling widely. " Sweetie, I'm a doctor who's had three
kids. More importantly, I'm a woman. I know all the signs."

Now CJ really feels like vomiting. "You mean you know?" She can't
help but start to tremble again and she can feel those tears wanting
to come back.

Abbey brings a hand up to graze CJ's cheek. "Honey, you don't need to
look so guilty. This is the best news I've heard in…well, six weeks."

"It's not good news." CJ retorts, dropping her head.

The older woman offers the younger one a smile. " How long have you
known? How far along are you?"

CJ takes in a deep breath. At least they were simple questions that
she could answer honestly. " I found out this afternoon when my
doctor called to give me the results of the tests I took last week.
And, I'm about five weeks…" She is in no way excited like most woman
would be saying this. She seems depressed, even.

"That's wonderful. I assume you haven't had the opportunity to tell
Leo yet?"

CJ shakes her head and can feel those damned tears falling down her
cheeks. Earlier she had not let herself cry when she had found out.
She had been in her office and she knew that if she started she'd
never stop, and she certainly didn't want any Whitehouse staff
knowing her little secret. In her mind, this was the absolute worse
thing that could happen to them. They were two Whitehouse senior
policy advisors and they were about to announce to America that they
were dating, this was the worst thing to come out right now. Not to
mention the fact that there was no way they could possibly raise a
child together with their jobs. That's even assuming he still wanted
her after he found out that she was pregnant with his child. "I don't
know if I can."

Abbey takes in a deep breath, standing up. "Let's go into the living
room and get comfortable and talk about this some more." She pulls CJ
to her feet, gently.

"What if they're in there and they see me like this?" She looks down
at herself, blouse and skirt rumpled and damp, tears clinging to her
cheeks.

Smoothing the tears away with her thumbs, Abbey smiles
reassuringly. "We'll tell them you stubbed your toe."

CJ smiles for the first time since she had gotten the news.

"Or, we could tell them the truth and have one more thing to
celebrate tonight?" Abbey offers, taking CJ's hand and leading her
out of the bathroom.

But CJ violently shakes her head to that. "Uh, uh. I'm not ready for
that. I haven't even wrapped my head around this. Please, Abbey,
you've got to promise not to say anything to the President or Leo."

CJ's voice is so begging that Abbey has to concede. "Okay, okay. But,
honey, you can't use this as an excuse to hide. You have to at least
tell Leo, and very soon. He deserves to know."

She thinks about this. CJ knows Abbey is right, but how can she come
out and tell Leo what they've done?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Part 2

"Honey, you comin' to bed?" Leo calls to CJ from his bed later that
night. When she doesn't respond or emerge from the bathroom, he takes
off his glasses and puts his book down, prepared to go knock on the
door. He knew something was wrong because CJ hadn't ate anything at
dinner and she had seemed moody all evening. Usually she loved the
company of the First Couple, so he couldn't understand it. He figured
maybe he had said something somewhere, someplace and maybe she was
mad at him.

She can't hide out here anymore, she figures, opening the bathroom
door and stepping out of her safe haven. CJ had wanted so badly to go
back to her apartment tonight, but that morning Leo had asked her to
come over and at the time she had wholeheartedly agreed to, so
tonight when they were driving home he automatically took them back
to his place. But now she was dreading having to be alone with him,
fearing that her emotions would flare again and she'd do something
stupid and he'd find out about her little secret.

"I love my pajamas on you." Leo smiles widely, sitting up in bed and
moving his glasses and book to the night stand for her to sit
down. "Everything okay?" He asks as she climbs into bed and chastely
pulls the covers up over herself.

CJ immediately immerses herself in the blankets and lies down,
hoping Leo isn't in too much of a romantic mood. The only thing she
wants to do is fall into a deep, uninterrupted sleep and forget about
everything, and his slow, deliberate seduction would certainly
prevent that.

Leo runs a finger along CJ's eye lid and down her cheek. "Honey,
what's the matter?" He's growing very concerned now. Something's
upsetting her and it doesn't look like she wants to talk about it.

Opening her eyes, CJ winces. "Nothing, Leo. I'm fine. I just really
need to sleep. I've felt exhausted all night." Okay, that wasn't
exactly lying, so why did she feel so guilty saying that to him? When
his lips come down to brush against hers in an understanding,
comforting gesture, she whimpers. A part of her wants to tell him and
see if he can find a way to make it right. But the other part knows
it'll never be right and it's useless in telling now because no
matter what he said or did they should not be having a baby. It's
better to wait until she has some control over this and decides what
she's going to do.

"Okay, baby. Goodnight. I love you." Leo whispers against her cheek.
He pulls her into his arms and cradles her and it makes it even
harder for CJ to decide what to do.

This is going to be one tough battle, she thinks to herself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~
He reaches out but can't feel her soft skin beneath his fingertips.
Leo's eyes immediately shoot open. He sits up and looks beside him.
CJ isn't there. It wasn't just a dream, she really wasn't beside him.
He had thought it had just been his subconscious playing with the
notion that CJ had appeared withdrawn last night, but he looks down
and only sees an imprint in her pillow. "CJ?" He calls, climbing off
the bed and planting his feet on the cold hardwood floor.

"CJ?" He tries again, poking his head out the door and into the
hallway, no sign of her there. He comes back into the room and
crosses to the bathroom, wondering if she was just in there and he
was overreacting.

Leo opens the door quickly and scans the room. He practically jumps
when he sees CJ curled up in the fetal position on the floor beside
the toilet. He immediately rushes to her side, panic running through
him, not knowing what could have happened. He drops to the ground and
runs a hand along her shoulder. "Honey, honey." Shaking her, he
notices bile swimming in the toilet and that CJ's forehead is cool
with sticky sweat. "Oh, God! CJ, wake up." Leo begins shaking her a
little more forcefully. He immediately wonders if she took any pills
last night and if they had done something to her. Or maybe she had
food poisoning.

CJ begins to stir beneath Leo's worried touch. She blinks rapidly and
looks confusedly into Leo's terrified face.

Leo looses ten years worth of wrinkles in his eyes that had just
appeared. "Oh, thank God, CJ. Oh, honey, are you alright?" Leo lifts
her into his arms, cuddling her into his chest.

"Yeah." CJ says, a little dizzily. "What are you doing here?" She
pulls away slightly, realizing that Leo has seen that she threw up.

His eyes widen in part amusement, part shock. "What am I doing here?
What are you doing here?"

She looks to the tile floor and pretends to be interested in that as
his hands find their way to entwine with hers. "I,I fell asleep here.
I was sick to my stomach and then I guess I just fell asleep." Her
head was throbbing. Last night she hadn't been able to control the
violent contractions in her stomach that sent everything in her out
her mouth. She didn't think it was normal to be so sick so early in
the pregnancy. Maybe she'd ask Abbey if she got the chance.

"You fell asleep? Oh, sweetheart, you have no idea what was going
through my mind. Are you okay? Why were you sick?"

Leo brings one hand over to rub her stomach and CJ can feel herself
flinch. Why is that she wants that so much, but is so scared of it?
It's not like by touching her he'll be able to tell. He can't feel
the baby yet, it'll be a good couple of months before that. "I'm… I'm
fine. It was probably just something I ate last night."

"You didn't eat anything last night. You told me you thought you were
coming down with the flue or something." Leo looks carefully into
CJ's dodging eyes.

CJ licks her lips. "Right, that's what I meant. I… I must be sicker
than I thought. It's gotta be the stomach flue." Okay, good save?

He sighs, leaning back. "Okay, come on, let's get you off this cold
floor, get you cleaned up and into bed. You're not going into the
office tomorrow, either." Leo places both hands on her hips and helps
her to her feet.

"Leo! I have to go to work." CJ protests as Leo retrieves a warm,
wet cloth and proceeds to wet her face.

"You're not going anywhere." He states firmly, gently washing her
face clean.

CJ gives in and allows Leo to lead her back to bed. At least with
tomorrow off work it would buy her some time to think about this
whole pregnancy and what she wanted to do about it, and how to
approach Leo properly. Maybe she could use the day off to recuperate
and gain some control over these emotions that were starting to
fester because of these new hormones. Damn, she hated being pregnant
already.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~
Why do most women look so happy when they're pregnant?, CJ wonders
as she crawls back to her office after what could only be considered
a bad Briefing. She was anything but happy, and being pregnant didn't
bring out the best in her like it did in some women. The last couple
of weeks had been beyond rough. She was not herself at all. She
constantly felt nauseated which would cause her to lose anything she
ate, the newly acquired hormones were ceaselessly toying with her,
and worst of all, she still hadn't found the guts or strength to
confront Leo. She had been trying to hide out in her apartment as
much as she could, whilst still avoiding Leo's suspicion. CJ was
still claiming the stomach flue as an excuse for her nausea, but that
only seemed to get her a one way ticket home to bed- usually his bed.
Leo tried to talk to her, to pamper her in her "sickness", but she
avoided him like he was the one with the virus. Being with him only
stirred her emotions and made her restless and exhausted. And she
found that between endless trips to the bathroom at night to empty
her stomach and bladder, sleep was hard to get, so she took any
opportunity she got to get some rest and peace of mind.

And it didn't help that Abbey was half way across the country doing
God knows what with some women's group, so she couldn't even confide
in her. Not that it really helped any. As soon as Leo had told Abbey
about CJ collapsing on the bathroom floor, Abbey had came over that
morning and gave CJ a long lecture on taking care of herself during
pregnancy and why she should tell Leo about the baby as soon as
possible. So, after that CJ had had to add her best friend to the
list of people to avoid. It was like there was no one in the world
she could talk to because she'd have to tell them about the baby.

CJ slams her files on her desk and lets her head follow, colliding
with the hard surface. This causes her to start to cry, but
surprisingly it feels good to feel the tears come back. She lets the
hot liquid stain her cheeks as she sobs into her arms, not caring
whether Carol or anyone else was near right now. She was too sick and
tired of having to hide her emotions, she could make up an excuse for
this time. She knew she had to make some decisions so she could face
Leo with a proposition, but she lacks any motivation so she continued
to slam her head on the desk and cry, not thinking about the baby or
what she was going to do about it. And suddenly she hears a voice
above her head.

"That's it, Claudia Jean, I think it's time you and I had a little
chat, don't you?" The President's stern tone is undermined by the
comforting smile he offers her as he slips into the guest seat in
front of her desk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part 3

"What's wrong, CJ?" Jed asks with softness in his voice as he settles
into CJ's visitor chair. He had figured it was high time he paid her
a visit. It seemed everyone in the Whitehouse, particularly Leo, was
expressing their concerns for CJ, but couldn't do anything to help.
He was the last straw.

CJ can't believe the President just caught her crying and banging her
head against her desk. "Sir…" She sniffles, bringing a hand up to
hold her head. She's so incredibly embarrassed.

Jed leans back, shaking his head. "Now, CJ, I don't want you to try
to formulate a well conceived lie. I want the truth. I'm concerned
about you." He stares at the reddened face of the woman who he has
grown to regard as one of his daughters. She can only stare
helplessly at him. "Why don't we sit on the couch?" He stands up and
she reluctantly follows.

Once seated on CJ's office couch, Jed reaches out and takes one of
CJ's hands, smiling warmly. "Now, why don't you tell me what's got
you so upset?" He leans back casually, showing her he has all the
time in the world to listen, despite the fact that he is the
President of the United States and they are in the Whitehouse,
working.

CJ follows the President's lead and leans back, too, feeling like
she's spinning out of control. After everything that was going on,
now the President was here wanting to discuss why she was acting so
funny. She decides to just give in. She can't take it anymore. She's
tired of concealing her emotions and worst of all, not knowing how
she feels in the first place. Maybe he'd have some sort of advice for
a desperate woman. "I don't really know where to start..." CJ
confesses.

"Anywhere you'd like." Jed shrugs.

She is silent for a minute, contemplating what to say. The last thing
she imagined doing today before she left the office was confessing to
the President that she is pregnant. "It's just, the reason I've been
acting this way is because I've sort of been keeping this… thing
bottled up and it's just driving me crazy not being able to tell
anyone."

He doesn't quite understand. CJ is a full grown, educated woman, not
an emotional teenager. What is this about a secret and why does she
feel she can't tell anyone? It's just not like her. " Why can't you
tell anyone?"

"Because," She sighs deeply, wondering if she really wants to do
this, if she can really tell him everything. But she needs to so bad,
if not for the sake of her sanity. " Because it's awful and I can't
even get my own mind around it. I haven't come to terms with it yet
and I'm afraid that if I tell anyone they're gonna try and make me
feel good about it, and I really don't need that right now. And it's
not that I don't want to tell anyone, it's just, I don't know how,
and I'm scared." There, at least that much was out. Pheew, that
wasn't so bad. Sure it made her sound like the worst mother-to-be
ever, but right now she was starting to shake and lose some of that
control she had just started to build.

Jed nods, looking away from CJ for a second, trying to take it all
in. He goes back to watching her. "Alright. Well, first of all, I can
assure you you probably have nothing to be scared of because nothing
is so bad that the people you love, including myself, wouldn't be
there for you to help you deal with whatever this is. In fact, the
worse you think it is the more likely we'll want to support you even
more. And second, I'm not going to ask you to tell me your secret if
you're not comfortable. Can, can I just ask one question, though?
Does this have anything to do with why you've been going home early
these days?"

"Sir, I hope you don't feel that my job performance has been lacking,
because Leo is the one who's been sending me home. I didn't want to
go." CJ quickly jumps to her own defence, although she doesn't need
to.

He simply laughs, thinking that his old CJ was back.

"If you have a problem with it I won't leave early again, it's not a
problem, sir. I don't want my… "

"CJ, honey, stop!" Jed is still laughing heartily at CJ who looks
quite baffled. "I didn't come here because I've been getting reports
about your job performance. Although, Josh and Toby have brought it
to my attention that you have appeared to be much more tired and
withdrawn these days. They're concerned about you, CJ. Leo talks to
me everyday. He says he can't even touch you anymore without you
flinching. He says you never want to talk or have dinner with him,
you never stay over anymore. We all just want to know what's going on
so we can help you."

She can see the truth and sincerity in his eyes, and how deeply he
cares. CJ can't help but sigh. "I know, sir. But I think this is
something I have to do on my own. Or at least, I have to figure it
out on my own. Although, it's taking me a really long time." She just
couldn't accept the fact that she was going to be a mother, and that
she was going to make Leo a father again. She didn't have all the
answers to questions like how they were going to raise a child
together while running the Whitehouse. She wished she could allow
herself some peace of mind, but it just wouldn't come.

Jed considers this. "Ya know, you carry enough on your shoulders,
perhaps that's the problem. But, I'm not going to tell you how
relieving it can be to unburden yourself onto someone you love. Just
tell me, does this have anything to do with why you've been sick to
your stomach these days?"

CJ can feel a blush creep up her cheeks. How did he know about that?
Surely Abbey wouldn't have said anything. But, she supposes it's
common knowledge around here what with her running off to the
bathroom every ten minutes. Plus, there's always the possibility that
with all the other concerns Leo brought up, he could have mentioned
her nausea.

"CJ?" Jed prompts softly, trying to grab CJ's drifting gaze when she
doesn't respond.

"Yes," She responds flatly. She knows that telling him that will give
it all away, but it doesn't matter anymore. Those all familiar tears
of guilt and fear are threatening to come back and she wants them
this time. "Yes, it does."


So his instincts are right. The whole night he had been putting two
and two together, and that was the final piece of the puzzle. Jed
knew what was upsetting CJ and causing her to hide the way she was.
He thought Abbey would be proud of him for deducing so correctly and
being able to be so in tuned with a woman. He can't help but smile at
the notion of what he is about to ask. "CJ, are you having a baby?"

A warm tear trickles down CJ's cheek and lands on the corner of her
lip, and immediately her lips start to tremble. All she can do is
stare into the President's eyes. He hadn't asked her if she was
pregnant, he had asked if she was having a baby. A baby. It was a
baby.

He takes her into his arms when she begins to sob and starts to rock
her back and forth. "It's okay, it's okay, honey." Jed whispers into
her hair. " I'm so happy for you. It's all I could ever want for you
and Leo." He's rubbing her back gently, but she freezes when he says
that.

CJ pulls out of the President's embrace and stares him directly in
the eyes. "Leo isn't a part of this. He doesn't even know. And it
doesn't matter to me, either." She's bitter now, and suddenly doesn't
want to be touched by anyone as she is reminded of all the decisions
she has to make.

"CJ…" He takes her hands, hoping she'll look at him again.

" I don't know if I can go through with this." She whispers, much
more sadness in her voice this time.

Jed rubs her fingers between his, wanting to make her come back and
share and let the rest of her feelings out. "That's alright,
sweetheart. You don't have to do it alone. We're all here for you,
especially Leo."

CJ blinks hard, letting the last of her tears escape. She doesn't
know how to bring this up. Her heart is beating a little faster than
it was before. "That's not what I meant. I mean, I'm considering not
doing this at all."

Taking in what might be the biggest breath of his life, Jed bites his
lip and nods. " And why would you consider that?" The strong willed
Catholic man in him is reeling and he wants to scream at the fact
that a woman he loves wants to do this to herself and her baby.

"Be, because it wasn't meant to be, sir. Because Leo and I can't
possibly raise a child together, and that's not fair to this child.
We won't be able to devote the time and energy a young baby needs.
And, that's saying he'll want to be involved. It'd be even worse if I
had to do it on my own." She knew it was taking the easy way out and
being cowardly, but it was an option she was considering at this
point.

Jed licks his lips, trying to phrase the words right so he doesn't
say something he might regret. "If you are thinking about what's
fair to your child, then how can you be considering ending its life?
CJ, you know how I feel about abortion, and I thought we shared that
belief. God has given you a child, and he doesn't make mistakes.
There's no such thing as `not meant to be'." His voice starts to rise
as he does and he wants to control it but can't. " And as for the
rest of it about not being able to raise a child because you don't
have the time, well that's just plain crap, CJ, and you know it.
You're making excuses because you're scared and I don't respect that.
And don't you dare think for one second that Leo would not stand by
you through this, because that's just plain stupidity and I know you
know better than that. That man loves you and you damn well know
he'll be there for you and his child." Jed pauses, catching his
breath, trying to slow down his thumping heart. " You wanna be
scared, that's fine. You're not ready to tell the father about your
baby, that's fine. But there is no way in hell I am going to stand by
and let you take away this baby's life."



She feels claustrophobic. The walls seem to be crashing in all around
her and her face is drenched with tears. All she can think about is
how upset he is and how much he hates her. She's disappointed him.
She's disappointed the man who is like a father to her. His face
disappears as blackness settles over her eyes and her head collides
with the office floor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Part 4

When she wakes up she has no idea where she is. Her throat is dry and
her head feels heavy. CJ moistens her lips and opens her eyes, panic
rushing through her because she can't remember why she feels this way.

A plump, dark nurse smiles down at her. "Well, hello there." She
fixes the drip attached to CJ's hand and comes closer to the
bed. "How are you feeling?"

"What happened?" CJ mumbles, staring around the white, sterile
hospital room.

The nurse laughs loudly. "Awe, honey, can't remember? Well, don't
worry, you'll be just fine. You passed out at your office. Apparently
you haven't eaten anything in several days, and you're severely
dehydrated. Your assistant brought you in, but a certain gentleman
followed. He told us you were pregnant and that we were to take extra
special care of you and your baby."

And it starts to slowly drift back to her. "Was that certain
gentleman the President of the United States?" CJ asks sarcastically
as the nurse examines her.

She laughs again, filling the room with cheer. "Yes, now I remember.
He's waiting in the waiting room with another gentleman who I presume
is your boyfriend."

CJ closes her eyes. Of course the President would tell Leo to come
down here when she passed out. What was she going to do now? "Is the
baby alright? Did I hurt it?" She asks tentatively, opening her eyes
again.

The nurse smiles down at her. "No, you're both going to be just fine
so long as you get some fluid into your system and start eating like
a normal person. Let me guess, morning sickness?"

She nods, letting her eyes wander to the door, wondering what Leo is
thinking and whether or not he already knows. And what had she done
to her baby? Sure she hadn't really eaten, but that was only because
whenever she tried it's end up in reverse.

"We've contacted your OB-GYN who works out of this hospital and she's
on her way. She's going to want to talk to you about nutrition and
how to better manage your lifestyle so this doesn't happen again. "
The nurse sighs. "Alright, you seem to be doing just fine. I'll go
get those guys who have been waiting so patiently for you."

She didn't need this, not now. Now there's was going to be bigger
trouble because her doctor was going to make her eat proper meals and
cut down on her work hours. How could she have let this happen? And
then of course there was the whole issue of the President not being
able to look at her because she had admitted that she had been
considering an abortion, not to mention now Leo was here and he would
surely be beyond concerned.

CJ runs a hand along her stomach, trying to calm her nerves and
soothe her aching muscles. She could feel her stomach churning, and
although she knew it wasn't the baby, she had a feeling it was a
protest. "Okay, okay, just give me some time to figure this all
out." She wasn't sure who she was talking to, but then she looks
down at her hand instinctively rubbing her belly and she can't help
but smile. Maybe she did know who was she talking to. And suddenly
it's like for the first time that thing that had always been a
problem was suddenly real. It was a living, breathing human being,
and it was hers. She vowed then and there that she would quit her
selfish ways of drowning in self pity and thinking of all the reasons
this couldn't work. This was her child and now she was determined to
do whatever it took to bring it into the world, regardless of whether
or not she had any support. "Everything's going to be alright. Mommy
won't neglect you again. From now on it's all about you."

"Well, that's certainly a relief to hear." The President grins as he
walks toward CJ's bed, Leo right behind him closing the door.

Leo's eyes never waver from CJ. He's two parts concerned and one part
sheer confused. He wants to rush over there and take her in his arms,
but she looks so frail and weak.

The President crosses to one side of the bed and gives CJ a small
peck on the cheek. "How are you, honey?" He doesn't see any of the
awkwardness.

CJ wants to keel over and die as she watches Leo's eyes scan her.
They had walked in right when she was talking to her baby, so now he
surely knew. And her hand was still on her stomach. She quickly pulls
it away and turns to the President. " I'm fine, thank you, sir."

Leo's at her other side now. He stares at her stomach and reaches out
to take her hand. Then his eyes travel back up to meet her eyes. He's
mixed with so many emotions that he isn't sure whether he wants to
smile or cry. "CJ…" He breathes, not knowing what else to say at the
moment. Leo wants to tell her how scared he was when he found out she
had collapsed. But he also wants to ask her why she was talking to
herself and referring to herself as Mommy. He wants to confirm the
suspicions he's had for weeks; That something has been plaguing her
that he just couldn't get her to confess. He wants to hold her and
make everything right again.

"Sssh.." CJ smiles and brings a finger up to press against Leo's
lips. He didn't need to say a word, she could see it in his eyes, and
that was enough. What the President had said earlier was true, that
he loved her and would always be there. She had always known that.
She just hadn't let herself accept the fate yet, but now she has and
she knows that it's time for her to start talking. He deserves to
hear the truth, because he has been nothing but good to her, and she
really does want him to be a part of their child's life. "Please,
just don't say anything. You don't need to, I can see it. Now,
there's something I need to tell you…"

Jed interrupts. "Uh, I think I'm going to go take a walk, give you
two a chance to talk."

CJ turns her attention back to the President, and when she does she
remembers the last thing he said to her-their discussion on
abortion. "Sir, I'm sorry for upsetting you. But suddenly my head
became a lot clearer just a minute ago, and I can assure you I won't
do anything stupid."

Shaking his head, Jed bends down to graze CJ's cheek. "Sweetheart,
you shouldn't be the one apologizing. I was the one who was
completely out of line. I just hate to see the people I love make
mistakes I know they will regret. But, I know everything's fine now.
I just hope you can forgive me. You have no idea what went through my
head when I saw you fall to the ground like that."

"I'm fine, sir, really. I guess I just haven't been able to keep any
food down with being sick all the time, so my body finally protested.
But my doctor's on her way and I'm sure she's gonna put me on a
strict nutrition plan to ensure that this doesn't happen again."

Jed nods, straightening up. "Okay then, I'm going to leave now if
you're alright. I'm sure there are plenty of people of who want to
talk to me now that I've been gone from the West Wing for more than
five minutes. Leo, you take good care of her."

"I will, sir." Leo smiles confidently, knowing now that everything
was going to be alright because CJ suddenly looked a hundred times
better than she had in the last couple of weeks. She was going to
tell him the truth.

So with a hug for CJ and a handshake for Leo, the President takes
off, leaving the two in silence.

Leo glances back at CJ, but doesn't push her to talk. He gently rubs
her fingers between his, wanting her to know that he is really there.

She smiles, knowing it's time, but not feeling scared like she
thought she'd feel. CJ relaxes into the pillow and concentrates on
Leo's warming touch giving her the strength she needs. "First of all,
I want to apologize for the way I've been behaving this last little
while. I hate keeping things from you and pushing you away, but
you've gotta understand that this has been the hardest time of my
life and didn't know what I was going to do, so I just couldn't tell
you yet. And I was scared, Leo. I was scared of the way I was feeling
because it was so cruel and selfish. I felt like I was isolated from
everyone because if I told everyone I'd have to admit how I felt
about it, and then I'd be reprimanded."

He's a little confused, but can understand where she's coming from.
But he wants to hear it from her. He wants her to tell him that
they're having a baby together. "Honey, I don't wanna push you, but
it'd help if I knew what you were talking about it. What is it that
you were so afraid to tell me?"

"Leo, in a little over seven months from now I'm going to give birth
to a baby who will biologically be yours." Okay, so that was the
absolute stupidest way of putting that to the man you loved, but she
was so transfixed with his eyes gazing over hers that she was
speechless.

Leo just smiles. "Well, gee, way to load on the love there, CJ." He
says sarcastically, now looking confused as to why she would word it
that way.

She sighs, not knowing how to describe the many phases of emotions
she has went through. "Leo, I'm just saying that because you're not
obligated in any way to do anything you don't want to. Up until you
just walked in here, I wasn't even sure if I wanted to do this. I
know that's terrible, it's the worse thing in the world and there's
nothing I regret more, but I was just so scared. I couldn't stop
crying and pitying and no matter how I looked at it I couldn't find a
positive solution, so for a minute there I thought I might wanna take
the easy way out. But then it occurred to me that this is my child
and it doesn't matter how tough this is going to be on me, because
from now on it's all about this little baby. It doesn't matter
whether or not I have to do it alone or if I'm going to be able to be
the signature perfect mother, because I'll be able to love it and
hopefully that'll be enough. So, all I'm saying is be a part or not,
it's up to you. I certainly won't think any less of you either way."

It hurts him that she would ever think that he didn't want to be
anything less than everything to this child they had created, and it
shows in his eyes as he locks their gazes. "CJ, I am totally, utterly
and completely in love with you. For the past couple of weeks I have
not slept a single hour because I've been worried constantly about
you. I see you crying and throwing up and exhausted and you won't let
me reach out and help and it kills me. It kills me. It kills me that
you wouldn't talk to me anymore. Now, tell me, how can you ever think
that I wouldn't want to be totally committed to raising this child
with you? Is… it is because I'm too old, `cause I can tell you I may
not always be able to play hockey with the kid, but so long as I can
run the Whitehouse, I'm pretty sure I've got enough stamina for
midnight feedings and toilet training."

"Leo!" She has to laugh as her eyes widen. That thought could never
have crossed her mind. " You know this has nothing to do with your
age. I'm fully confident you could single handily raise this child.
It's more me I'm worried about, what with our sixteen hour days and
unpredictable schedules. But, that's besides the point. I never
doubted that you'd want to be a part of the baby's life, I'm just
saying there are many ways we can go about this."

"CJ, I want to do this the right way. With rings and vows and
doctor's appointments and nurseries." He slides a hand up to caress
her belly under the fabric of the hospital gown. "That's all I've
ever wanted. I love you, and I know I'm gonna love this baby. Please,
please let me be a daddy again."

The expression on his face and the sincerity in his eyes boring into
hers brings tears to her eyes, and she has to bite her lip. Now there
was absolutely no doubt in her mind the devotion this man had for
her, and now their unborn child. She felt every wall crash down and
every defence she had put up come falling down around her. Suddenly
she needed nothing more than his arms around her because it was as if
she knew everything was going to be alright now. CJ wraps her arms
tightly around Leo's neck and pulls him into her, needing to feel the
abrasiveness of his cheek against her. "Oh, Leo. I would never deny
you that. I'm just sorry it took me this long to…to…"But the sobs are
beginning to make her shake and she has to lean into him.

He rocks her back and forth gently, thanking God for the opportunity
to hold her. He feels it's been too damn long since she's let him
hold her. He breathes in the scent of shampoo off her hair and lets
himself get lost in how good he feels right now. He's going to have a
baby, with CJ, nonetheless. Nothing could a make him happier. She was
finally relaxed, and now she trusted him again. He vowed then and
there that he was going to make this easier for her, that he wasn't
going to let her go through this alone.

"We're gonna have a baby. We're gonna have the most beautiful baby."
Leo breathes into her hair, rubbing CJ's back and basking in the
relief and love he felt. " I hope it looks just like you." He smiles
at the woman he loves.

She pulls back and smiles at him, as well. "I'm so glad I have you
for all this. And I'm so glad you finally know. Now we can make up
for all the time we lost because of my stupidity."

"I know. I wish you hadn't of pushed me away, because I could have
made it better for you. But, what's done is done. Now I'm gonna take
you home and take care of you and our baby and make sure this
doesn't happen again. And we can work on building a life together.
And I mean that in more ways than one…" And his lips come down to
close around hers and they both give into the longing need for
security they've felt for the time they've spent apart. And for the
time being, three inseparable worlds become one.

Part 5

"So, this one's all about what to expect during pregnancy and it's
one of my personal favourites. It's a little outdated `cause I used
it with Zoey, but I think you'll find it useful." Abbey hands CJ
another book to add to the pile already stacked a mile high in CJ's
arms.

CJ laughs softly, hoping all the books wouldn't fall out of her arms.
She stares at the rows and rows of books in the President's personal
library. Actually, it was the their bedroom, but she and Abbey were
raiding the book shelves in search of all her old pregnancy and
parenting books. She hadn't exactly asked Abbey to loan her the
books, but in the last couple of weeks since she had returned to
Washington, Abbey had been doing all she could to give CJ a woman's
support.

The last couple of weeks had been crazy, but so much better than the
ones before she told Leo about the baby. She hadn't spent a night in
her own apartment since the night she spent at the hospital-the night
she told Leo about the pregnancy, and Leo was the most nurturing man
a woman could possibly get. In fact, sometimes it drove CJ nuts
because he was always there when she was throwing up, rubbing her
back and getting her a glass of water to rinse her mouth with. He'd
send her home early whenever she'd show he smallest sign of fatigue
and force her to eat at least three good meals a day, which her
stomach usually protested. To him, everything was about making her
and the baby comfortable, and although most people would find it
endearing, she was starting to get a little fed up because it was
sort of suffocating. But, she wasn't going to complain because it was
better than it was before, and at least she wasn't crying anymore and
her baby had a father. She could climb under the covers of their bed
at night and he'd pull her into his arms and rest his hand on her
stomach and whisper how much he loved her and how he couldn't wait
for the baby to be born so they could be parents together. Everything
was just… perfect in their own way.

Abbey climbs down from the foot stool, a pile of books in her arms
and a huge grin on her perfectly made up face. "I got it. The one
thing no mother can function without: The Complete Dr. Seuss." She
extends her arms and offers the small, used hardcover books to CJ.

Her eyes drop to the homey-looking books. CJ could sense the
tradition and memories when she reached out to touch the book on top.
She could imagine a younger Jed and Abbey curled up with their
daughters at bed time, reading aloud from "The Cat in the Hat". A
small tear descends down CJ's cheek and she damns those
hormones. "Oh, Abbey, I can't take your children's favourite books.
It's an awfully sweet gesture, but those belong in your family. One
day Ellie or Zoey will have kids and they'll want these books for
them. Really, these should go to one of your daughters."

"But you are our daughter, CJ. And I want these to go to you so you
can read them to our next grandchild." Abbey smiles with genuine
warmth, shifting the books to one arm so she can lead CJ over to sit
on her bed.

More tears are brought to CJ's eyes because Abbey seemed so sincere,
and she just wanted to reach out and hug her. "That's the nicest
thing I've heard in…I don't know how long. Thank you so much."

Abbey helps CJ set the books down as they sit on the bed, then she
wraps her in a tight hug and they hold each other for a long time.

CJ can feel Abbey's fingers ruffling her hair and her other hand
caressing her back. She has a mother again. Suddenly, she has a
mother again. "Ya know, you're making it very hard for me to control
these damn hormones." CJ sniffs with a laugh.

"Awe, honey. You'll get used to spontaneous outbursts, as will
everyone around you. For now just let it be. Just give in. Any time
you need to talk you know I'm here, right?" She guides CJ's head to
rest against her shoulder.

She can only nod. "Yes, I know. And you know how much I appreciate
everything you're doing for me, right? I mean, I don't know if I
could get through the physical part of the pregnancy without all your
support. I love you so much."

Abbey smiles, pulling away slightly. " I love you two, baby. Now, I
think if we don't get back in that living room the guys are going to
start to suspect something."

CJ smiles at this, straightening out of Abbey's embrace. "You're
right. Leo will send in the marines if he doesn't see me every ten
minutes. Funny thing is he has the power to do so." She smiles widely.

Abbey stands up, helping CJ gather all the reading material off the
bed. " I've heard he's been very supportive. I haven't even had to
ask Jed to keep him in line."

"No, he's certainly supportive. He won't let me do anything on my own
anymore." CJ practically pouts as they walk out of the master
bedroom. "There are times when he's a little suffocating, but then I
see the passion and love in his puppy dog eyes and I melt all over
and remember that he just wants to make the world perfect for
everyone who means anything to him."

They walk into the sitting room and all the guys are sitting around
lazily with their ties abandoned, their collars unbuttoned and
preferred drinks in their hands. The President had invited select
individuals over to celebrate because that afternoon CJ and Leo had
gone public with their wedding announcement and they'd told all the
senior staff and their assistants about the baby. Among those in the
room are Josh, Donna, Sam, Toby , Carol, Margaret, and of course the
President and Leo. Everyone looks relaxed and comfortable as they
watch the evening news.

Leo automatically turns when he hears CJ and Abbey come into the
room. He smiles widely at his new fiancée and waves her over to him.
The room is packed so she has to weave her way in and out of the
bodies sitting and standing. There isn't a spare spot on any couch or
chair, it seems.

When CJ finally makes it to the end of the couch where Leo is
sitting, she abandons the books on the near by coffee table and turns
to smile at him. "Abbey gave me lots of books on pregnancy and
parenting and stuff, so we've got lots of reading to do."

He seems genuinely happy. " Well, I can't wait to get started. Come
have a seat."

CJ looks around and puts her hands up in defeat. "Where?"

Leo smiles playfully, spreading his legs apart slightly. "Right
here." He pats his knee.

She rolls her eyes but smiles just as largely as she proceeds to
climb into his lap, aware that every eye in the room must be on them.
Oh, well, they were together what the hell did it matter to them? She
slinks an arm around his neck and curls into his chest.

He runs a hand up and down her arm gently, wishing everyone else
would just disappear so they could have some time alone. "We just saw
some news coverage with a clipping of our press conference today.
Mallory just called my cell to ask what was going on, so I asked her
to come over. I guess we forgot to tell someone today…"

"Oh, no. How could we forget about Mallory?" CJ could not believe
that in the list of phone calls they had made and of all the people
they had told about their engagement that they could simply have
missed Leo's daughter.

"I don't know." Leo practically sighs, the obvious guilt in his
voice. He couldn't help but wonder how his daughter would take the
news, after all, it wasn't something they had discussed as being a
possibility. Sure Mallory had been okay with his relationship with
CJ, but he wasn't sure she would embrace the idea of them getting
married.

CJ glances down and appraises the extravagant white gold diamond ring
on her left hand. The largest diamond in the centre winks at her and
it reminds her of Leo's ever beating loving heart. "Did she seem
upset when you spoke with her?" CJ could only pray that things went
well with Mallory. She had a good relationship with the young woman
and she wanted her to accept and embrace the idea of their
engagement, especially with the baby and all.

"No, not at all. It'll be fine, honey. Don't worry about. We'll sit
her down tonight and talk about it. Everybody else has been really
supportive so there's no reason to think she'll be any different." He
could only hope. He wanted the two most important women in his life
to be the best of friends.

She pushes herself away from him slightly. "But she is different,
Leo. She's your daughter and she's gotta be okay with this, or we
can't go through with it. I…I want to have her in the wedding, Leo. I
want to ask her to be one of my bridesmaids. It's gotta be perfect."

Leo doesn't think he can ever stop being amazed by CJ, but then she
says something like that and he can't help but smile. " It will be.
She loves you and I think she'll like the idea that I'm settling
down. She worries enough about me and maybe now she'll see that I've
got someone to keep me grounded. I already know she likes that I'm
dating you. I think it'll be fine. Now," He takes a moment to pause
and breathe. "Are we gonna tell her about the baby?"

CJ looks a little sceptical as she purses her lips. " I dunno. What
if she thinks we're doing it for the wrong reasons?"

"But we're not." Leo firmly points out.

She knows that. She can picture his face hovering above hers as she
woke up that morning. He had bent down to kiss her, slowly making his
way from her lips and chin down to her collarbone and neck. She can
still feel how his hands had caressed her under her nightgown. She
remembers the exact words he spoke as he had straddled her hips and
opened the small velvet case, exposing the most elaborate, largest
diamond she had seen. His eyes had been so set and sincere as they
never wavered from her as he whispered his vow of love and devotion
and offered her the most sacred promise there was. And with her
heartfelt, teary approval he had slipped the gorgeous symbol of
promise onto her finger and they had been lost in each other and the
promises of the future. Yes, he was right, they weren't doing it for
the wrong reasons.

"Hey, you two," Josh suddenly calls from his spot on the love seat
across from them. " is there something you wanna share with the
group?" He smiles devilishly.

CJ spins around and smiles playfully at Josh. " Yeah, Josh. Leo and I
were just discussing what kind of sex we want to have tonight."

Toby, who's standing near Josh, groans loudly. "Okay, well, that
totally ruined whatever appetite I might have had."

Margaret elbows Toby lightly in the ribs.

"That's enough, all of you." Jed smiles at his guests from his
large arm chair that faces the couch and love seat.

Leo pulls CJ back closer into his chest and turns to the
President. "Sir, I hope you don't mind but I invited Mallory over
here. She saw the news and we sort of neglected to mention the
engagement to her when we were making all of our calls today. I
thought it'd give CJ and I an opportunity to talk to her and tell her
about the baby, as well."

Jed reaches out and takes the hand of Abbey, who is standing beside
him. "Not a problem, Leo. Mallory is always welcome here."

Sam, who's been sitting on the floor with his head resting against
the couch, turns to Leo. "You forgot to tell Mal?"

Leo glares at him.

"Alright, alright. We gotta clear something up." Josh states, leaning
forward in his seat and shifting his beer in his hands. " Who's gonna
be your kid's aunts and uncles? Personally, I got dibs on favourite
uncle."

Josh looks so serious that Donna, who is leaning back against the
love seat beside him, has to burst out laughing. When she notices all
eyes in the room on her, she brings her hand to her mouth to stop the
laughing. "I'm.. I'm sorry, Josh, but you with a kid, it's just too
funny. You'd try one diaper change and ask where you get your money
back."

CJ smiles and immediately starts to laugh as well. " The nurse hands
Josh a baby and he asks for the manual and where to find the on/off
switch."

By now everyone is beginning to laugh at the jokes of Josh and babies.

" He couldn't last one day with a kid. He gives the President a
secret plan to fight inflation, I'd hate to see how he'd help a kid
with homework." That was Toby, a little drunk and sloppy.

Josh rolls his eyes. "Ha, ha, you're all so cute. I was just trying
to be nice. I'm saying I'd be there if CJ and Leo need any help with
the baby. " He looks a little pouty now as he sulks and downs the
last of his beer, sinking into the cushions of the couch.

CJ looks at Leo who looks a little touched, then smiles warmly at
Josh. "I'm sorry, Josh. Actually, I think you'd make a great uncle,
so you've got the job if you still want it."

Looking up from his shot glass, Toby's eyes shoot from Leo to
CJ. "What about me?" He feels a little saddened and jealous that she
wouldn't ask him, one of her best friends, to be an uncle to her baby.

She smiles and shakes her head affectionately at Toby. "Sure, Tobus,
you can be our baby's uncle, too. Any other requests for symbolic
family members?"

Nearly ever hand in the place shoots up and both Leo and CJ lock
gazes lock and smile and laugh. They certainly weren't going to be
without support, that was for sure.
THE END
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