A: One word: Compensation. It's not anyone who doesn't have a good reason for blowing on something big, long, hard, round, red, made of wood, expensive, needs constant cleaning, and requires lubricant. And before you get ideas, my reason is scholarship.
Q: What’s the only thing on Earth consistently flatter than Kansas?
A: T.K. West’s bassoon playing.
Q: Why was T.K. prescribed ADHD medication?
A: Because he can’t last 5 friggin’ seconds without admiring his reed when he should be playing instead.
Q: What is the only thing more hazardous than shouting “FIRE” in a crowded theatre?
A: The mess of people racing for the exit at T.K.’s bassoon solo.
Q: How can a blind person tell the difference between T.K. playing a bassoon and a fat man on burrito night?
A: The fat man smells better.
Q: Why did T.K.’s recent baritone saxophone/bass clarinet/bassoon trio sound so great?
A: Because he was so busy fidgeting that Laura (bari) and Josh (B.C.) started without him… ten minutes ago.
Q: How do you get Osama and the other Taliban members out of their cave, pleading for mercy?
A: Ask T.K. to play "Hot Cross Buns" at the entrance.
Q: What are three things worse than an audition with T.K.’s bassoon?
A: 1. He hasn’t practiced at all, 2. He almost forgot how to put it back together, and 3. If he gets a single note wrong, he’ll ad-lib the worst 5 minutes of your life.
Q: How do you put out a grease fire safely?
A: At the expense of your hearing, allow T.K. to play a Bb scale. The grease fire will die to put itself out of misery.
Q: Who is the only bassoonist on Earth that can somehow incorporate jazz fusion into every performance?
A: I’ll give you three guesses, and if you don’t get it in one I’ll shoot you in the face.
T.K. is sooooo bad at the bassoon…
...its inventor (Carl Almenrader) curls up in his grave whenever he plays.
…Helen Keller would feel her way over to him to cane him for being so horrible.
…the Pope would try to exorcise him until he realized that the satanic noises were just himself.
…he makes the sixth-graders sound like they belong in Powell Hall.
…George W. Bush almost arrested him for being an illegal weapon of mass destruction.
…Lucifer opened up a tenth circle of Hell for him to torture people with for eternity.
…he consistently gets third chair--out of two.
...I'd rather spend a romantic night at home alone with every STD known to mankind than hear his performance.
And by the way, should you ever stumble upon this page, Thomas Kelsey, you remind me of George W. Bush. And it's spelled "aeronautics", not "arrownawtics." You should know that, supposedly being in NHS and all. Douche. Go back to the drums, before you accidently gouge out your own eye with a bocal while fidgeting!