PeTSCO:

People for the Ethical Treatment of Single-Celled Organisms

So, those crazy punks at PeTA think they're the most radical kids on the block? Well, nobody outdoes me when it comes to downright insane. In fact, that's the reason I founded PeTSCO. My goal is to unite all the parameciums and amoebas and rhabdostylas until we have enough able bodies to conquer the multi-celled oppressors, what with their "higher learning" and "techonology" and "organ systems!" Bah! They think they're so great, but lemme remind you that life started out in the primordial soup of brand-spankin' new Earth (well, actually about 4 1/2-5,000,000,000 years ago, so the Earth was at least a billion years old) and they didn't need no stinkin' organs! The sex wasn't all that great, but the evolution was! And wow, did that rock! But anyways, the point I'm trying to make is this: the protozoans were here first, and it's their planet, not ours. They have been the single most widespread and successful kingdom of life on the face of any planet in the multiverse and overcame any obstacle that came their way. Near absolute zero on the Kelvin scale? No problem. Events which seem cataclysmic to any other life form on Earth? Single-cells are willing to risk any number of their populace as long as they eventually win. In fact, think of them as tiny little Vietcong! Or don't, if the thought offends you. I don't care. Neither do they. I had planned on calling this the Single-celled Fighting Front, but unfortunately "siff" has already been taken as a shorthand l33tsp34k version of "syphilis". Darn the luck. Also taken were the acronyms for: Amoeban Invertebrae Doomsday Showdown, Single-Cell Invading Destroyer Sentinels, Single-Cell Terrorist Despoilers, (and finally, my favorite:) Protozoans Lending Enough Altogether Support and Even Helping to Eradicate the Lives of non-Protozoan Mammals and such Entirely MindlesslY with Pleasure And No guilT but anywayS they ARE bad nONtheless and Furthermore I REally have to pee. Anyways, we PeTSCO members will do our part to see to it that the one-cell revolution takes place. When that happens, we will be their royal attendants until the spaceships come for us and take us to our new home in Heaven. There is no uniform, no need to change religion, no becoming a eunich, no promising us all of your money in your will (but if you want to, I won't object!), no "special" Kool-aid, no dues at all, and lifetime membership is FREE! So what are you waiting for? Join PeTSCO today! Drop me an e-mail with the subject something like "PeTSCO Application" and you're in! Send applications to: Medya_Bertoxx@hotmail.com

Copy, paste, and print your membership certificate below:

I, _______________________, do solemly swear on this day of ____ __, 20__ that I will uphold the charter of the PeTSCO Organization and join the liberation plea to single-celled life forms everywhere, no matter what size, shape, or stage of mitosis they happen to be in. I objurgate the usage of penicillin and yeast by-products, and all single-cell related infections will not be treated by pitting their own kind against each other. My death at the hands of single-celled life forms will be a valiant one for the preservation of their species at the cost of one member of mine. Furthermore, I will abhor pharmeceuticals for the rest of my days for subjecting innocent single-cells to dangerous animals with fully-functional immune systems. Viva la PeTSCO! *forge some important-sounding names here*