Last week I rode by a house
I'd swear I saw you come out the door
Was it you? Was it my imagination?
Did I just see someone who looked like you?
It can't be that, there is no one who looks like you
You are an angel, you are perfect
My eyes know when they rest upon a vision of perfection
Did you move? I know you didn't live there before
But the cars in the driveway are a dead give away
I suppose it could be a coincidence
I suppose some other beautiful goddess could live there
With two cars that are the same kind as yours
What are the odds of that?
And doesn't it just fit the scene I knew you would be in?
The perfect little home
On the street I ride down from work to the bank
But I hope it wasn't you
I hope it's not your house
I can't stand to see such beauty
I can't bare to look into your eyes ever again
I still love you with all my heart
It's not my house you share
Not my bed room you yearn to be in
Not my life you want to be a part of
Not my heart you want to love you
So now I must find a new road to ride down
Though it's the only one that goes straight there
I will have to ride all the way around town
Peddle back up hill again
Me not being in the best of shape
Especially since I haven't taken your aerobics class
In well over a year now
It isn't going to be an easy trip
A part of me wants to keep going that way anyway
Hoping you will see me
Maybe looking out the window
But I'll be going by too fast for you
To come out and say hello
I will make sure I'm going too fast....
Then again, I think it would be better
To go the long way around
What if you are already there
Outside on the lawn
Where I won't be able to hide from you?
god, I love you
I wish I didn't
I wish I could forget you
But then I was the one
Who said wishes don't come true
If they did, that would be our house
I saw you run back into
Did you see me coming?
Were you hiding from me?
You don't need to hide
From someone who turned his back on you
Someone who is hiding from the truth
Created On: 07/26/2002
Seasons Fall
Each night underneath the moon
Imagining your hand holding mine
Every sublime summer afternoon
Walking together in the sunshine
I want to see the color of your skies
After a breeze makes the clouds depart
Skies I see in your wide blue open eyes
Reflected back from within your heart
The flame within the orange orb
This candle waits for the birthday cake
Burning brighter than fireworks in the Park
On Tuesdays hot summer night by the lake
The hollow headed monster rides once more
Headless maybe, but not nearly a heartless soul
The Halloween Knight torched the sleeping lore
To write of love buried deep in his fiery hole
Every cold, rainy morning
I want to hold you and entwine
This Ogre's dream you are adorning
Wrapped tightly together, we combine
In a Winter night's snowfall
The snow reflects the ambient light
Listen, You can hear them fall
The beats of my heart, in the quiet night
Each innocent thought I think of you
Betrays me and I want your raw desire
Every time you speak I see your lips
And taste my lonely heart's raging fire
I've been looking back into the past
To find the love hidden forever after
Been listening for whispers at speeds too fast
To hear you cry the sound of passions laughter
I can't write words with passion enough
To express feelings moving within my heart
Surging with softness pretending to be tough
All the while knowing it's time for us to part
Created On: 10/31/2002
Does She Think Of Me?
I wonder does she think of me,
Does she ever ask herself what became of me?
Is there never a time when I cross her mind?
When I've put forth my heart with love so totally blind
I cannot shake her face from in front of all before my eyes
I would sell my soul to replace this awful truth with the clarity of lies
Does she recall when I was less a fool pretending to be a friend
While my heart lied to hide the feelings it constantly bled?
Now I am alone, more alone than I had ever known
anyone could ever be, could ever feel completely unfree
I'm sitting here in silence wondering, does she think of me?
Posted On: Created On: 10/14/2003
I Saw Your Smile Today
Today I saw your figure through the glass
I saw your eyes when you turned to see who was there
I saw your smile and could not keep mine from peaking
From behind the frown I have worn since the last time I saw
Your figure, your eyes, your smile.
Through the glass, I saw you today
Created On: 10/14/2003
3/8/01
Billie Jean,
I have wanted to tell you for some time now, how I feel about you. As I get closer to leaving NY I feel a tugging at my heart, trying to hold me back. Saying goodbye to you is something I am not looking forward to at all. I have cared very deeply for you over the past 5 years and for most of that time, I did not allow myself to even imagine that we were anything other than friends. I think that we may never be anything else still, but my feelings betray my thoughts. For as long as you were married, I would never have let my feelings grow outside the realmof friendship. I have the highest respect and appreciation for marriage and those who feel love so strongly they decide to bond together for the rest of their lives. You did not break that bond, and although I admit to being envious of what appeared to me to be the perfect couple, I would never have considered crossing that line, or doing anything to fracture your relationship. Marriage was the perfect barrier for my feelings to stay safely behind. But when that barrier came down, my heart was suddenly made aware of a beauty which it had been waiting to witness since it made its very first beat. You are the reality I have dreamed of all my life. Everything I see in you let's me know that you are a person with not only perfection on the outside, but infinite beauty within. It is what is inside of you as a person that I have been looking for every day of my life. It's as if I was searching through endless haystacks and getting pricked by needle after needle, wondering how they could be so easy to find and so hard to hold on to. Then one day, finding the sharpest needle of all, but one that is made of the softest gold and cannot puncture even hands as soft as mine. To hold something so pure in my hands when we have hugged, even for a few seconds, filled me with absolute happiness. That is a feeling I wish I could feel every day until the end of time, and if time never ended, I would be happy forever.
I have to ask myself why I am telling you this when I am planning to leave, or for that matter, why I would be planning to leave when I want so much to pursue the feelings I have for you. I think it would be better to not say anything and go on my way to pursue other dreams. It's very hard to make this decision because I have dreams that I have left wanting to be fulfilled but afraid to try for most of my life. Over the past 6 years I have made a great many changes in my life. I have found a degree of self-esteem that I had none of for most of my life. I finally feel in my heart that I can succeed at things I never gave myself a chance to accomplish in the past. I feel as though I would be cheating myself of living the life I have always wanted. And at the same time, I want to find the kind of love that you have within you. How to follow conflicting dreams and yet I wonder if perhaps they are conflicting after all. But I have nothing to offer you except my love, and I do not know if you would even want it. I know that you care for me as a friend, I have no doubt about that. But love is a mystery to me. I thought I had found it a few times in the past, only to have it turn out to be fools gold, sparkly and pretty, but hard and sharp to the touch.
So while I have the confidence to go after the goals I have had 20 years to practice at, I have had no such practice in love. I am a child in matters of love. My heart is pure, but inexperienced. In a way I feel like I have to leave here because I can't put myself through the inner conflict of being close to you and never knowing the love in your heart. Please don't think that I have decided to move away because of you, I have be planning this for over 6 years. I did not have enough confidence in myself until recently to venture out without a safety net. It has been building in me over the years, but when I was in my 20's, any self-confidence I had was stripped away by those who pretended to love me and left me believing I wasn't worth anyone's love. I went 10 years without even asking a woman out for a date because I truly did not believe I deserved to be loved.
I feel like I have gotten a lot off my chest with this letter, but I also feel like I opened a can of worms. I wrote you a very similar letter on Valentine's day while I was at the Hard Rock Hotel in Florida and mailed it to myself instead of you at the same time I mailed the card I sent you from there. I kept having the feeling everywhere I went there that I wished you were with me. I was thinking how nice it would be if you were walking next to me, holding my hand and sitting next to me on the rides. It left me with a melancholy feeling. I was happy and loving the weather and experiences, but somehow I felt a little empty because I wanted you to be there. I often feel that way these days, but not when we are together. I so much enjoy when we go out to dinner that I can't tell you how happy it makes me. And that is just one more reason I have to go, I can't go on pretending that I am not in love with you. With all my heart I love you. It seems impossible because you have not expressed these kinds of feelings for me and our relationship has never crossed the line of friendship. But I have these feelings nevertheless and I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I remember when you told me you felt that Kevin had ulterior motives. I felt like I was lying to you somehow because of the feelings I had for you. I once joked with George a few years ago that if you ever got divorced, we'd have to fend off all the guys who would line up around the block for the opportunity to ask you out. It's a good thing you have not told everyone about it or they would be. Now I find myself wanting to be at the front of the line when you feel ready to accept love into your life again.
I no longer feel like I don't deserve to be loved, but I see you as more than an ordinary woman whose love would be easier to win but so much less than perfection. You are a very special woman that any man would be happy to have love him. I will never understand what makes people unfaithful to love. But then I am not experienced enough in love to understand most of what love is about. I had all I could do to keep from crying when you told me what had happened. I have to tell you that it made me feel very special that you would tell me when you did about all that had transpired. It said to me you trust me and consider me a close enough friend to tell me something so personal, and the other very personal things you have told me since then.
I feel like I have betrayed some of that trust by wanting more than friendship with you. Although I find myself thinking that there is no one better to find true love with than a true friend. Or at least I hear people say that the person you choose to share your life with should be your best friend. So it's a double edged sword no matter what I do. Still I have to let you know how I feel. I could just move away and not say anything and we could remain e-mail pals. But inside I'd always be feeling like I lied to you. I think the last thing you need in your life is another liar. Even if it costs me everything, I'd rather not mislead you. I care for you far too much to do that. I sincerely apologize if anything I have written here hurts you in any way. I have no desire to ever cause you pain. I want to say all of this to you face to face but I know I'll never get it all out without crying. I have a tendency to be purely emotional when dealing with matters of the heart. All I can really hope for is that you won't hate me for this, for allowing my feelings to cast friendship aside in hopes sharing a different kind of caring.
I am afraid you will be angry at me, but I am hoping you will be able to understand my feelings and forgive my heart its trespasses. What I am hoping for is that you will want me to stay and make the one impossibility in my life a reality. I want you to know that I do not take our friendship lightly, it is something I value very dearly and I hope you realize that by my letting you know I love you, I am not belittling what friendship means to me. No matter what happens next, our friendship will never be the same. You know what direction I want to go in now, but it is dependent on your feelings being parallel with mine. I know I can't change what you feel for me, so if you do not want to travel that path with me, say so. But perhaps like me, you will see what was invisible, or rather, what I would not allow my heart to see. In my mind it is like climbing the highest mountain and looking around, feeling like I have achieved the greatest heights. Then the clouds drift away and reveal another mountain unseen before, one that reaches into the heavens so high the peak remains obscured. I want to go there, I want to see what it looks like, I want to know what has remained hidden from me, I want to feel what I have never felt before.
Now I have to search my heart for the confidence to give this to you and face you after you read it. Writing is so easy for me, I wish everything came so naturally, but then it only comes naturally because I have been doing it for so long. Maybe when I have loved someone for a long time, I will feel worthy of someone like you, the perfect woman, the only perfect woman I have ever met.
So here I am, at a crossroads in my life at the same time you are at one in yours. I only wish that our roads were crossing a path that went in the same direction. I wish I had more to offer you and I wish I had as much confidence in myself as a man you could love as I do as a writer of poetry. Perhaps I would feel more worthy then, and perhaps you would perceive that in me. I could only hope that would bring to your heart what I feel in mine.
With all my heart,
Joseph
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