ROOM 101

I AM THE GOD OF HELL FIRE, AND I BRING YOU:- BANISHMENT TO A HELLISH PLACE........something more than a handful of objects and, indeed, people could do with, consequently benefitting those of us who suffer. YES, below is my current top-ten list of all things Shitty, Irritating and Totally Unnecessary.

1: THE MUSIC INDUSTRY -  My friend has the original 'Now That's What I Call Music' on LP, and it is interesting to note that many of the songs charted at about 72 and gradually made their way up to the top 5 maybe, and - if genuinely likeable enough - stayed there for a few weeks. Nowadays this happens: A singer or band is manufactured by a shortsighted producer with dollar-signs in his eyes, and soon enough are performing on various retarded TV shows, for all ages, and labelled The Next Big Thing. The TV and radio stations play their new song to death, for 8 weeks before it is in the shops, and we hear it on an advert or 3. The Moronic Public - for they are also to blame here - go out and buy 20 million copies of this tuneless 'song', and Quel Surprise it hits Number 1. One week later it has been replaced by another manufactured pile-of-crap, and the track quickly disappears into oblivion. The band (and their bollocks music) resurface at the Brit awards, where they have been nominated by the Public [really? i didn't get to vote!] and they win some kind of award that they no way deserve. And the truly talented artists hardly get a mention, because the stupid public like to be drip-fed more and more of the same mindless garbage. And the powers that be duly oblige....

2: R'n'B/HIP HOP/GARAGE -  Rhythm and Blues was originally music such as Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, Led Zep etc which is on the most part thoroughly decent, tuneful, clever and enjoyable music. So how did it turn into this mindless garbage?! I think my main gripe here is that it is talentless bollocks. For these reasons: 1 - Virtually every decent tune that you will find in these 'songs' is ripped off from another artist/group, or even Mozart! For example: Puff Daddy took a classic Led Zep track and a great Police song and slaughtered them both. If I ever meet him I will gladly rip his lungs out. 2 - Saying 'Uh huh', 'Yeeah' etc in every fucking track is not original, it doesn't add anything to them, and it is utterly talentless. 3 - All the 'Artists' wear stupid clothes, have crap names, and all claim to be hardened gangsters. Okay, so the latter may be true in some cases. But it's just fucking boring. Shut up and fuck off, the lotta ya.

3: JA JA BINKS -  More camp than a boy scouts jamboree and as deeply irritating as bowel cancer, this animated piece of shit intended to attract kids to the new film - and therefore increase greedy bastard Mr Lucas' already enormous wallet - went and ruined the whole of Star Wars for millions. He effectively replaced Han Solo, who was the coolest space cowboy ever. No self-respecting filmmaker would have done this. George, you win my Wanker-of-the-Year Award.

4: PEOPLE WHO AMBLE ALONG IN THE MIDDLE LANE OF THE MOTORWAY -  These brain-dead Morons are the main cause of those tailbacks that suddenly appear without any immediately obvious explanation. It's not big, it's not clever; I am driving faster than you so get out of my fucking way! God.......

5: ELECTRONIC WARBLING -  'I Believe' that this fad was started by Cher, and in that particular song it was okay. But when every damn crap band in the world - manufactured or otherwise - goes and does it in half their tracks, it's annoying to the point of ultra-violence! It is talentless and stupid. Write to your M.P and stop this Now!

6: PUSHY SHOP ASSISTANTS -  Usually occuring in shops where they outnumber the customers 4 to 1, these people are wankers. They walk up to you as soon as you step in the shop, and say "Can I help you?" and I'm like 'Not unless you are fucking psychic and know what I want!' And also they say "It's up to you..." which makes me wanna thump them. Assholes.

7: TOM JONES -  Your voice is sooo annoying, your songs are Bad, and your face really intrudes into my personal space, even from the television. You are not sexy and you're too old. Bugger off!

8: WHEN YOU'RE LISTENING TO THE RADIO IN A CAR AND GO THROUGH A TUNNEL, AND IT DISAPPEARS -  Can't the local council just stick some coat hangers along the top of the tunnel? That should sort it.

9: PEOPLE WHO COMPLAIN TOO MUCH -  Stop bloody whingeing and try to look on the bright side. And if you can't do that, then just whistle.....

10: There are loads more that I can't recall right now.... I'll get back to you.