| Author: Personification of Fluff Rating: G Song: Journey to the Past from the Anastasia soundtrack Notes: A fluffy Kurt/Amanda story. I lvoe Kurt, I admire Amanda, yet I know nothing about their relationship, so just go with it, okay? -----\----@ Heart don't fail me now, Courage, don't desert me! Don't turn back, now that we're here! Kurt Wagner crossed himself as he finished his prayer. He was back in his old church, the holy place that had given him sanctuary long ago, back to the old days when he was considered by most mortal men to be a demon. Yet now it held no solace. 'Everyone believed that. Almost.' He reminded himself of the few people who hadn't believed he was the spawn of some hellish ghoul. There were very few, but more than he could have hoped for, given his appearance. He felt a ball of hatred try to wiggle from his heart and destroy the happy facade he used to look at the world. His prayer may have been finished, but his penances were not complete. They would never be complete, so long as he would look upon normal people and wish he could walk a day in one of their shoes, or to wonder what he would look like without yellow eyes and blue fur. "Ave Maria, gratia plena, dominus...." His voice trailed on, but his heart was no longer in the prayers. He was so confused. Only one course of action remained clear to him. Enough wondering. He had come to Germany in hopes. . . . In hopes of what? Of finding out that it was all a lie? In hopes of finding out he was back to being an orphan? What good would that accomplish? No, he knew what his next step would be. He needed to go back to the X-Men. He needed to talk to his friends... and his family. Xavier had his wisdom, Katherine had her smiles and sisterly attitude, they would all lend him strength in their own way. That was what he really needed. Why pray to God for help when he had already given you good friends to lean on in times of pain and worry? Or maybe he was asking God to change things. 'I need to go home.' A stray thought coming from his shadow self chilled him. His lonely breath came out in a fog. Where exactly was this home he was supposed to go to? People always say: life is full of choices. No one ever mentions fear. In a strange way, he felt like he had gone from having no home to having too many. New York, Germany... and now... where? The Southern United States? Where Rogue grew up? And then of course there was always. . . . 'No,' his mind snarled. His upper lip curled, showing his fangs. He shoved that thought away. 'I can't go there. If I do, it will all come out. Everything. That's... that's just the affect she has. I don't want to tell her. Because I can't tell her!' He clenched his praying hands. 'She's already accepted me after everything. After the incident with her family, after joining the X-Men, after growing up together, after the way I look... how can I ask her to accept this when even I can't do that?' "Prayers causing you strife?" a voice asked. The head monk came and knelt down beside Kurt, genuflecting at the cross. He stared straight ahead, but it looked as though he were speaking to the crucifix. "Sometimes everybody has trouble praying, Kurt. Even him." "The Garden. I remember the passage well." "He was asking the impossible, and he knew it." Kurt grinned. "Father, nothing in this world is ever impossible. Look at me. My friends call me the fuzzy blue elf. I'm a creature that shouldn't exist, but I do." "Don't ever let me hear you say that again, Kurt Wagner. There are lots of people who would hit you for that statement, especially a certain man with metal claws. Everybody looks different, but deep down, everybody has what really matters. A soul. And yours is as good as anybody, Kurt." His tail stopped moving, and he looked at the ground, his voice meek. "Yes, Father." "Now, I'll agree that the impossible is... well... truly impossible, but sometimes things happen for a reason. And people don't like thinking that way. Everyone wonders why bad things happen to good people, and they never wonder if it's because they have to. Good things come with the bad, and bad comes with the good. And do you know why people don't like thinking this way?" "I suppose it would be because they are scared." "Exactly." The monk crossed himself and stood up, smiling at the blue-furred mutant. "While you think about that for a second, I'll send a young lady up. She wants to speak with you. I'm surprised she knew to find you here." "She always knows where to find me." The man left, and Kurt finished his prayer before leaving the altar, trying to fix himself up. He turned to look at the cross. "I know vanity is one of the seven deadly sins, but can't a guy try to look good for his girlfriend?" He paused, and stared at the cross. Slowly, he scratched his head, thinking. "Am I scared?" Or how the world can seem so vast, On this journey, to the past. 'I'm not just scared, I'm terrified.' Kurt, when reflecting on his life, could not have asked for a better childhood. As with all children and teenagers, there were problems: disagreements, punishments, sorrow, and each were as vivid as his memory then every single happy occasion in his life. Because he had a family. They accepted him for who he was, and loved him. But, as with all beings, Kurt longed for answer in life. Who were his real parents? Why did he look different than all his other friends? Was there anyone else in the world like him? Was his face the reason why his family had left him? His foster-parents had warned him that pursuing these questions could be dangerous. He may not like the answers to them, but if that was what Kurt felt he needed to do, then they would accept that. And he began to dream. He couldn't help his dreams from coming. He dreamt that he his parents were out there searching for him, that it was all a mistake. He dreamed of finding other people. He dreamt about looking fully human. He dreamt about getting married and having a family, vowing to care for them better than his real parents had for him. Over time, many of these feelings faded away. He no longer wanted a family to prove to the world that he could be a good father, but just to be a father. Each day he looked into the mirror, each day he knew this was who he was and he would never want to be fully human. He knew the chances of finding someone with the same mutation as he was nearly impossible. Besides, he didn't need them anymore. Then there were all the dreams that hadn't changed in the slightest. He suddenly began to feel very tiny, very insignificant. His parents had been right. He could look for answer, but he wasn't guaranteed to like them. And he was terrified. Somewhere down the road, I know someone's waiting! Years of dreams just can't be wrong! 'Mystique is my mother,' he told himself. It sounded like he was telling himself a lie. Mystique? His mother? He could accept Rogue being his sister. As soon as he had found that out, he had immediately accept it, almost without hesitation. "Now I have somebody to lend me a kidney," he told her when she had once asked him about it. The thought that he had a real, live sister made him want to shower Rogue with attention and presents, all the things he had not been able to give her growing up. He wanted to be the big brother to Rogue that he had never gotten to be. But Mystique was his mother? He had planned for bad things. He had planned that his mother had meant to kill him because he was a monster. He had planned that she was a Morlock, even. He had planned she was a petty thief. He planned that she was dead. Every dark image his mind could create, he faced, and had been made stronger because of it. But never, ever had he planned that his mother was one of the most wanted women in the world, and his enemy. "I suppose the blue skin should have given it away long ago. . . ." Arms will open wide, I'll be safe and wanted, Finally home where I belong. "Should have given what away?" How come Kurt kept getting interrupted? He turned around, and found he didn't mind getting interrupted at all. Watching Amanda Sefton enter a room was like watching an angel float down from heaven. He smiled at her, watching the way her hair swung from side to side, or how she didn't seem to make a sound despite her shoes that gave her a bit of extra height. The smile she gave in return was just as friendly, and just as filled with love. Amanda shivered as she drew close to him, and hugged her jacket closer. "Brrr! Why is it so chilly in here? I always forgot how cold empty churches can be." She flipped her blonde hair out of her face. Her beautiful face was dazzling. "Miss me?" "You have no idea." He held open his arms and she entered them. He closed his arms around her shoulders, rubbing them to try and keep her warm. He rubbed the top of her head with his cheek. "I knew it was you coming to see me. It never ceases to amaze me how you can always tell where I am." "It's because of magic," she joked. Amanda lifted her head and gave him a gentle kiss hello. His lips were soft, the hair around them tickling her skin, like kissing a man with a fuzzy beard. Although it tickled, she wasn't smiling when she looked at him. Her eyes were still filled with admiration, enthralled to be near Kurt again. "Something's the matter with you. What is it?" "It's nothing," he quickly replied. "What do you say we go grab something to eat?" "You can treat me to an expensive dinner later, Mr. Wagner. Right now I want some answer, and I know you do, too. So tell me what's on your mind. It will make you feel better to talk someone. I'm only hoping that because I'm deeply in love with you, and vice versa, that you'll feel best talking to me. You've known me your whole life, Kurt!" He sighed, knowing she was right, and led her to a pew. They sat down beside each other, Kurt's arm wrapped around her waist and her head resting lightly on his shoulder. He always felt so good when he was around Amanda, it felt like all his worries were pushed away, as if she were holding an umbrella over hear head to keep all the bad things away and it could be just the two of them. Because he felt so good being around Amanda, so at ease with his oldest friend, his story started out easier than he would have expected. Home. Love. Family. There was once a time I must have had them too. "And that's the end. Mystique is my mother. Rogue is my sister." He turned to look at the German lady, and found her pretty face etched with concern and understanding. Feeling slightly awkward, he forced himself to tease her. "Not that you'll become any less of a sibling, sis." "Please, that sounds as convincing as me calling you Mr. Wagner." She wrapped both arms around him and made a contended sound. "So, Mystique and Rogue are related to you. Isn't that what you've always wanted? To find your roots? What's the matter, then? Or is it just not the family you had planned for yourself?" She grinned. "And is a family of circus witches really much better?" He smiled genuinely, despite himself. He kissed her shining hair, brushing it with his three-fingered hands. "A family is a family not because of who they are but because of how they feel. And I feel... scared." "Really?" "Yes." "But... why? There doesn't seem to be any logical reason to be afraid." "Then it must be an illogical reason as to why I am afraid." Home. Love. Family. I will never be complete until I find you! She thought about this a second. An illogical reason to be afraid? Kurt was usually fairly rational. He had a certain level-headed approach that enabled him to remain collected in any situation. To hear him say this now, after so many years, was slightly unnerving. She knew, of course, that he had to be scared sometimes in his life. To be without fear was to be without life. She just never thought he would admit it to her so openly. "Is it because of genetics? Is it because you're afraid you'll turn how like her? Kurt, behaviour isn't passed down through genetics. It's learned. Look at Rogue! She has the same mother as you, but she isn't a wanted.... okay, now she isn't a wanted criminal. You are Kurt Wagner, an X-Man, a monk, a circus performer, and the man I love. Nothing else can change that." He felt his heart grow relieved. He needed to hear Amanda say that, even if deep down he had already known that. But that wasn't it. That wasn't the reason why he was scared. One step at a time, One hope, then another, Who knows where this road may go! Kurt felt his hand begin to tremble. He licked his dry lips. "You see, Amanda, the real reason I was scared, was because of you?" She lifted her head to look at him, her eyes searching his. "Of me? You were scared of me?" He nodded very slowly. Then he found his voice again. "I was nervous about telling you, trying to find that best way to tell the woman I love that I'm the son of a wanted criminal. Rehearsing telling my foster sister that I have another sibling. Telling my friend that I had succeeded in finding all the answers I had asked in life, except for the ones which can only be answered by God himself. I thought and thought and thought about how to tell you what I learned, and when would be the best time, and I could come up with nothing. But as soon as I saw you I felt the truth was so big I couldn't keep it in any longer and I had to tell you everything." "But... why?" she gently demanded. "Kurt, why were you so nervous about telling me all of this? I'm sad that you couldn't get the perfect family you may have conjured for yourself, but you found out what it is you always wanted to know. And for that I feel nothing but pride and happiness for you." "It seems silly, but I was scared you would feel differently about me," he told her with a lowered gaze. He leaned his head against hers, sheltering himself under her large heart that cared for him so greatly. Amanda began to understand. She kissed his cheek and closed her eyes. "You mean you were worried that the foster-sister might feel useless. That the friend might distance themself now that they could no longer help you on your quest. And that a girlfriend might be disgusted by a terrorist for a mother-in-law." "Exactly." He shook his head. "Now that I see you, and hold you in my arms, I realize how stupid that was of me." "Because I love you and nothing can ever, ever change that?" she asked coyly. Amanda slid into his lap, arms wrapped around his neck, so that he wouldn't avoid his gaze anymore. She let her hair fall over her shoulder, and she grinned. "So, Mr. Wagner, do you have any other surprises I should know about?" He smiled, despite his rather guilty feelings. He gazed into her eyes a second and they vanished as he laughed. "Well, I know you might find this slightly hard to believe, but I'm a mutant." She giggled. "Really? I never would have suspected that. Care to know the secrets in my closet?" "Sure." Amanda kissed him on the mouth, barely taking her lips off his to answer. "I don't have any." Back to who I was, On to find my future, Things my heart still needs to know! Picking her up in his arms, he gently set her back down on her feet. He straightened himself, dusting off his shirt to look presentable. "Well, if everything's all out in the open, then I suppose there's no better place to do this. We're in a Church, after all, the house of God, and in Germany. It's not the Eiffel Tower, but it'll do. No offense, God." He lowered himself to one knee and took Amanda's hand. "Amanda Sefton, I have loved you since I was a little boy. You're my best friend, and have never left my side even once. You keep me going when everything else has failed. Everything I have become in life, this person you see before you today, has been for you. "All my life, all I wanted was to know the truth in life. Now I do. I know all I can in this mortal life. And one thing has only become clearer in my travels, and that's how much you mean to me." He felt his eyes begin to water, and saw that Amanda was already crying. He took out a handkerchief and passed it to her. "When I'm with you, when I think about you, I feel like a better person. I feel strong enough to take on the world. I can face anything, knowing that I have your love. So many times I have felt unwanted, like the demon people call me, but when I think about how you look at me with such admiration in your eyes, I know that what people say isn't true because someone as good as you couldn't love something that was evil. "You've always been there to keep me going, and to pick me up, and I can only hope the same goes for how you feel about me, because I want to ask you to continue being my pillar of strength when I am not strong enough to complete this journey on my own." He pulled the box from his jacket with trembling hands. They shook as they opened it. He extended the open box in her direction, his hopeful eyes seeing that she wasn't even looking at the ring, she was too busy drying to her cheeks as she continued to stare at him, and only at him. "Amanda Sefton, will you do me the honour of giving me your hand in holy matrimony?" She tried to smile, only to end up hiding her face before a hand shaking harder than his had been. "Kurt, will you stand up? I can't hug you from down there." Kurt stood up and she flung her arms around his, burying her face in his neck. She was sobbing. "Oh God, Kurt! Of course I'll marry you! I thought you'd never ask!" Back to who I was, On to find my future! Things my heart still needs to know! Carefully, he slipped the ring on her finger before they hugged again, their happy tears turning into joyful exclamations. Kurt picked her up off the ground, he was so happy, and held her as tight as he could, even though she would never get away now. They would be eternally joined one day, as entwined in souls has their hearts were now. He glanced up at the cross. He hadn't told her the most important thing of all. All his life he had been looking to the rest of the world, wondering where his real family was, when it had been in front of him all along. Amanda was his home. Home was where the heart was, and his heart was with her. He'd never be lonely again. Kurt had everything he needed in life: a happy future. Yes, let this be a sign! Let this road be mine! Let it lead me to the past! And bring me home -at last! |