I believe we should all try and get Closer To God. Right now, I'm getting Closer to God. And by that, I of course mean, listening to Closer, by Nine Inch Nails.

If you're any sort of a NIN fanatic (like myself), you've probaly went out, chipped a $10 down the throat of an HMV employee, and walked out with the Closer remixes album, by NIN. This album contains five mixes of Closer, and to top of the end of the album, Closer itself.

But wait- there's more! If you type in Closer on Limewire, Kazaa or Napster (is Napster even around anymore?), you can find there are even more remixes of this song. And so, being the lifeless cretin that I am, I have downloaded most of these 'mixes.

There are currently remixes of Closer, to date, that I know of (this includes the crappy ones).

Given the fact that I have nothing better to do, I've rated them, and described most of them, in my own words. The ranking is obviously correct in every single way, so if you have a different opinion, shove it. Oh, and not all of them are summed up into a neat little package, seeing as how I've just listened to almost 91 minutes of Closer remixes, and I'm fucking tired. So here are all the different ones I could find (listed from worst to best):

Track Name Description Length Rating
Closer To Spice Who made the connection between Trent Reznor & Baby Spice? This villain shall be executed. Fortunately, the only version of this version I have is cut short, at 1.59. 1.59 1/10
Rave Remix with Marilyn Manson/ Madonna version 7.25 2/10
Maroon 5 Acoustic Real fucked up ending. Some people say it's the thought that counts, but this still really blows. Good intentions aside. 5.37 3/10
Techno It's time for a techno.. 3.47 4/10
Fatboy Slim This (almost 10 minute-long) song, starts off with 'ari-kikiki, ari-kikiki', which is just fucking irritating. I'm sure it gets better, for I scanned forward a bit, but I don't have the patience for it. You might like it. 9.50 5/10
vs In Da Club You know we don't give a fuck if it's not your birthday. 4.04 5/10
neon genesis evangelion This is the first (and last) time I will ever watch animé porn. First of all, the producers of this 6.54 minute video could not have possibly crammed any more fucking peni(s) into this video. If one were to count, they would find a ridiculous ratio of men to women (an unfair ratio- if you're gonna animate nudity, animate more female nudity than male!). Second of all, who decided that horny cartoon chicks, all looking for the cock is hot? (stupid, stupid, ridiculously horny oriental video.) Still, of the two videos that have been made for this song, this is the only one which actually has sex going on. (But I do enjoy the naked chick with the horns in the real music video.) 6.54 6/10
Closer To God It's an all right version- Kind of dancy, ends with a lot of static 5.05 6.5/10
Precursor A slower mix, that ends with a Sims kind of tone. 7.15 6.5/10
Deviation 6.10 6.5/10
Internal 4.15 6.5/10
Further Away 5.45 6.5/10
Closer To Hogs Ah, shucks, I just get so gosh-darn excited, and this hear-song rocks the barnhouse, all night long! 4.21 7/10
Richard Cheese- Longue Against the Machine Music's Too Upbeat, but the jazzy singer rocks. Or, jazzes. 2.20 7.5/10
Rosetta Stone Can be found on 'Covered In Nails' 4.57 7.5/10
String Quartet Tribute A classical twist on this Rock tune. Unfortunately, lacking any vocals. The end is the best part (I mean that in the good way- the ending is cool). 5.00 8/10
vs The Static X (Trance) Two melodies, playing at once. Both very Rock. 5.40 8/10
Super Mario Bros A nice, upbeat version, complete with sound effects from the original Nintendo Marios. I especially like when it goes underground, at around 2.30. 6.00 8.5/10
Uncut (Music Video) This video's got it all: a naked lady, a fetal skeleton, a rhesus monkey tied to a cross, old nazis, a science lab, insects, a pair of ram horns, a mammary microphone, spinning Trent Reznor, a black slave, a bunch of trippy images, Religion vs Science- just watch the video, it rocks! 4.32 9/10
Closer How I feel about this song is - undescribable. 6.25 10/10

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