I've known him for over a year, yet someone I just met only a few weeks ago shows me more attention then he does, and shows that he actually WANTS to talk to me, and not just when it's convenient or easy. People keep telling me to end it, that he's only trying to hurt me, and it feels as though they're telling the truth...but I just can't let him go. He doesn't even want me to call him anymore. I can't even begin to explain how horrible I felt at that moment...my heart dropped twelve stories when he'd said it...I physically felt my heart fall, felt the tears spring to my eyes. All I ever do is cry when I talk to him. We can't even carry a normal conversation anymore. We where such good friends, and now it seems as though he wants nothing to do with me. He talks about how much work and friends are getting in the way, and I just want to ask him, why was this not such a problem when we wheren't going out? How did you make time then? Before, you never had a problem staying up all night and laughing with me. Now you can't even talk for five minutes. If you love me as much as you say you do, then why can't you at least TRY and find the time to prove it? Am I doing something wrong that would make you so distant from me? I wish I had the courage and words to tell him just how much he's hurting me, but everything I say just flies by his head like he never heard it, or perhaps he just choses to ignore it. I never get a single encouraging word from him. All it is, is "well, that's your problem, not mine.". So, he can blatantly blow off my problems, while I sit and listen to his without a word? It's like I don't even want to talk to him anymore, but my love keeps dragging me back to have a word...and then I'm blown off again, and feel even worse than when I started. It's like I'm an inconvenience to him, like I'm just a pet that he can stop paying attention to whenever he wants...a dog. I feel like a dog that gets beaten, but still comes back to its owner. I wish he could understand...why can't things go back to the way they where, when I was HAPPY to see him!!!??? Please, God...make things right again! EDIT: I would like to personally thank my good friend Doug, and a dear internet friends Gregg and Marcos for keeping me alive through all of this...I don't know what I'd do without you all. You guys are the shoulders I can cry on when times get rough like this, and I'm thankfull every day that you're around and there for me. I'll repay you someday, I promise. 12.04.05 // The pressures of a long distance relationship is going to be the death of me. No matter how I look at it, there is just no easy solution to any of my troubles. I try talking it out, but it only drives me further into the hole that I've created from my own need to be close to someone, within a simple arms' distance. I want to prove my love for you, but there's only so much you can say over the phone. I want to show you just the kind of girl I can be. The girl you see is not the real me. The real me is a happy soul, a girl that cannot be swayed by the mournfull world around her. The girl who loves life more than anything else in the world, and loves to live it. I want so badly to hold you in my arms, let you see it for what it is, and not this distant thing that we've created, holding each other away from each other. Without trust there is no love. With so much distance, there is no trust. Stay patient, Jey. You'll see the real me someday soon, and not the tear-stained girl you see now. You just need to trust me. My love for you is constant and strong. One day you will see it... It just takes time. I understand what you meant now, that you would wait for me if I would wait for you. Four years realy isn't that long, if you think about it. If all goes well, it will be over before you know it, and we can finaly be together. It takes time and patience, love and strength. Now all I can ask is that you be patient with me while I learn to deal with the one thing that causes me such greif. I will love you no matter how I act, no matter how much I seem to drive you away without meaning it. No matter how many tears I shed, wanting to drop it all and give up on such a difficult task. I've chosen to enter the Navy, I've chosen to persue a relationship with you. It's something I need to stick with, and I will not be giving up so easily anymore. You are the one important person in my life that I will never give up. Nothing my family says can sway my feelings for you, no matter how important they are to me. I eagerly await the day when we meet...I'm sure it will be a day to remember. 12.01.05 // So, this is a very interesting turn of events. I might just have the best time of my life within only three weeks! I just bought the plane tickets to go home for christmas. 202$ on priceline.com. WOOT! But that isn't the best part. The BEST part is that I'll be taking my car back down to Virginia with me instead of flying back. I didn't want to go alone... So Doug actually OFFERED to come with me. HI seriously didn't think he was serious, but he's had his plane tickets re-routed, so that he can drop off in Chicago from California and take the car down with me, in case anything goes wrong. I've given myself four days to get to Virginia, so we'll be stopping off at various tourist attractions. I've got to show him Chicago for real before we leave, though. He hasn't really SEEN it. One museum is not covering all the interesting things there. Perhaps we can go window shopping...that would be too fun. This just takes my breath away with the kind of luck I've had with that. Now if only I could turn my chit in on time... Oh...and it's PAYDAY!! Something funny I noticed just the other day...When I look at Jey's picture, it's all butterflies and love. Then, I come and talk to him, and I feel like I'm going to cry. This is the only emotion I don't understand...am I feeling happy or sad? I don't even know. Happy to see him, maybe. Sad to see him go, perhaps, knowing that I won't be able to speak to him again for a long period of time. The time we talk is getting shorter and shorter...He's getting more of a life, and I'm getting less of one it seems. Oh...And it's PAYDAY!!!! 11.26.05 // Congratulations, Val. You have officially convinced Jey that you're a conceited little bitch. Keep at it and maybe he'll call the whole thing off on you! God, can't I do anything RIGHT THIS WEEK?! 11.24.05 // Sometimes I wonder if I just over-react about a lot of things. It feels as though there's been so much tension around me lately, as though something is loose on a string and will come falling down upon me at any moment. I feel as though my prescence is just a bother to so many people sometimes, as though they don't REALY want me around...they just like to say that they do so they don't make me feel bad. I hate feeling like that, and I hate being TREATED that way. I'm sitting in my stupid dorm room writting about my miserable life instead of at home with my family eating a nice turkey dinner and it's killing me every time I think about it. I can't help but cry...I miss my family. I never thought I would, but here I am, lonely as fuck without any freinds around to help me, or even comfort me. That almost sounds selfish... Thanksgiving, and no family. Heck, I'd be suprised if I even get any turkey. Sometimes I just want to go home. I wish Jey would start talking to me again. It feels as though I'm being purposely avoided at this point. Happy freakin' Turkey Day, all. Hope you're having as much fun as I am. 11.21.05 // Hmmm...just listening to some BYOB from System of a Down. I suggest you listen to it also, whoever reads this. The last few weeks have been pretty hectic here, what with my transfer and all. I had just graduated from ATT and went through the ceremony, thinking that I'd be leaving to my next duty station on the next thursday. That's the usual policy! SO I go to the lady that does our travel arrangements, and she says I'm going TOMORROW!! I have three hours to pack, and if it wasn't for a very nice petty officer that let me off of my last duty day, I would have never gotten it all done. SO, I've got three huge bags and a nice little rolly thing to carry it all with (what a god-send). I get ready to go and I'm on the plane...that was the most awsome thing on earth!! I called my peoples to tell them I was fine, and here I am, sitting in my new dorm at NAS Oceana in Virginia Beach, VA. We had to clean out the barracks that we're going to be moved into...that was the most disgusting day of my life...days. It's gross. I killed an entire army of ants with my windex bottle. Then, I sucked up an entire army of roaches into my vacuum of doom. That place better get fumigated... Well, anyway. A few good things have happened to me at least. I've made many a good freind, I found Brown all over again...although I get the feeling that the only reason he's so nice to me is to get me in his car...and then get in my pants. Dun think so. That and I'm goin' out with Jey now. Dun know how that happened...it was completely random some night. It'll be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life...but if all goes well, this could be one of the best things I've ever done! Unfortunately, with the time change I have to stay up an extra hour to talk to him. Damn those stupid night schedules...rahr. Anyway. Right...chow! 11.05.05 // Same boy, same problem. I undersand his need to for alone time, though...he's been through some tough times. I just hope that whatever I say doesn't effect us for the worse. I miss you already, and you haven't even been gone for five minutes. I hate feeling so weak...I hate feeling like I can't move without someone. It's like my life doesn't go on if you're not around. Maybe one day he'll see it, but when that day comes along... I wonder. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. Until then, I still have faith in you, even after that abrupt end of conversation. It's like no matter what you do, it isn't enough to make me leave you. Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment... 10.24.05 // I don't know what to do... I love him, but there's so much against me. I feel like crying again, and I've been sick over it all day. I almost threw up this morning, and I've got stress cramps again. It can't be worth all the agony I'm feeling...it just can't. But, per usual, that stupid little lovesick girl wants to hold on until there's absolutely nothing left of her. Untill she totally breaks down...in a few minutes. 10.23.05 // It's funny how fast a person can be drawn straight back into the whole that they'd tried to so hard to dig themselves out of. I've been set up for heartbreak again, an this time with the very person who I'd hoped so badly could work. It's the very thing that I feared the most, between Jey and I...I'm just so affraid of rejection that I refused to believe that it could happen. The very last person that could have made me happy is suddenly farther away than I could have ever imagined. I cried my eyes out, fearing for the worst the things he would say...it was the same. It was all the same...I went through the same thing not even two weeks ago. The same thing that happened with Cole, with the very same results. I sat there and cried for half an hour, wishing everything could just go away. I still feel that way. I have my doubts about anything happening between us anymore... I mean come on! How the hell can you compete with someone who lives in the same town when you're in the NAVY, hundreds of miles away with no chance of meeting in person! I need to get something to eat...Hm...Coheed and Cambria. Good stuff. I hope things work themselves out soon. It's tearing me apart inside, and I don't know how much more I can take from one person. But, again...I fear the worst. I'll curl up with my blanket and sit here.
Jey, I hope you understand that I'd wait forever for you.
Yeah...I'm going to Gurnee this weekend...hopefuly I can pick myself up something. I just passed my phase two test, so I'll be buying my civilian clothes tomorrow. I saw this really nice pair of jeans down at Charlett Rouse, so I think I'm gonna get them, since I'm not going home to get my own stuff. My ma can't pick me up, since she's got something to go to. A fundraiser I think. I'm gonna call Sammy and see if he's up to anything. I miss him so much...it's starting to get to me. I put a picture up of him on my desk, and I feel sad every time I look at it. It's like something's missing all of the time. All of my shipmates keep moving away from me...and my roommate is playing some of the most annoying music...which brings me to a good point. loud angry sweary rant ahead These people do NOT know how to shut the FUCK UP!!! I try and go to sleep, and they're freakin' talking as loud as they can in a ten foot room, like the person is ten miles away! And all they're saying to each other is, "stupid bitch...bitch this fuck that, BLAH BLAH BLAH!!" I had to sleep in the lounge because they wouldn't go to sleep untill fuckin' two in the damned morning! I swear, if this goes on any longer, I'm going to complain to the BDO, because I've been falling asleep in class because I can't get enough fucking sleep! DAMN MAN!! It pisses me off when someone is sitting right under my fucking bed talking as loud as they can over a damned cell phone at two in the morning. What MORON in their right mind would be talking on the phone at TWO IN THE MORNING!? I hate these people sometimes.... /loud angry sweary rant 10.15.05 // Well, not a whole lot to report today. All of the issues from yesterday have given me stress cramps, however...not fun, not comfortable. It feels like there's a very large block in my intestines, and it's been like that all day. I won't be suprised if it doesn't go away for a few days. That's always how it is. Thanks a whole lot, Cole. You're a real pal. So, all I did today really was sit in Austin's room eating pinapple pizza and watching Resident Evil on the laptop. Then we listened to Coheed and Cambria for a large portion of the day. Duty is so fun, right? Basically what happens is this. You muster with your 'duty section', then clean the entire building for about a half an hour. You do this every five hours or so. Really exciting, really fun. Can't go anywhere except for the galley. Way to spend my saturday. So now I'm just chatting with Jey, who doesn't seem to be in the talkative mood. I hope he moves out of the house soon...it's better for him in the long run, anyway. Can't live at home forever! Of course, the job he's got is hardly enough to support him for the rest of his life...but it is HIS life. Do whatcha want, Jey. I wonder what would happen if I just randomly showed up at his door one day. What would he do? Not that it matters...I don't think I'd be brave enough to just do that. I'm in Illinois, and I like it here. I reaaaly don't want to go all the way down there by myself, considering that my birth father is supposed to be down there...eeks. Yeah, day's going well though. I'm going to go back to my room now, and muster. CHOW! 10.12.05 // I talked to Jey again today, though the conversation was pretty short. They've been that way lately. I don't think he fully understands how much I care about him, nor does he seem to care nearly as much. I had given him a mini-essay over AIM that basicaly said that I wanted to know if we where on the same page. I would hate to be keeping myself single for no reason. I'm denying a lot of guys for him, and we've never even MET! Even though he assures me that he still cares about me, and that we're in the same boat, so to speak, I can't help but feel like there's something wrong. Perhaps it's just my mom's sixth sense for danger that's kicking in, but I realy don't like the feeling. Maybe I'm just not trusting what he's saying...typing. He's never actualy "said" what he's written to me, and that's what bothers me the most. People can lie out of their asses over the internet, and the other person would never know the difference. I understand that he has some issues that he needs to work out first...everyone does. I just hope that all of this goes over well... 3.6.05 // I just found out a few hours ago that a guy that I've known for a good long time was...gay!! I can't believe I never knew it! I can't believe how rediculously blind I am. And go figure I found out when we went to subway, right in the waiting line. I was screaming, "REALLY?!" And the lady in front of us...she left in quite a hurry. Man, I over-react too much. Then we went to the library and I tried to fix his xanga. A bit of advice for anybody that wants one: Don't fork over that 25 bucks for full control, because you don't get it. Man, I love Cesar to death...I give him a hug every time I see him. He was almost killed in a car crash last year. Broke his back in three places, bruised a lung and broke several ribs, was in the hospital for well over a month. He had to be helicoptered in to a downtown hospital. I skipped the last homecomming to visit him with Mal. Ever since then I've been really attached to him. Perhaps I'm just afraid that he might get hurt again... Either way, I'm lucky enough to be able to call myself his 'freind', and not an aquaintence, which is...what just about everyone else is. XD I don't know what I'd do if anything where to happen to him. I've already lost one freind...I don't want another one to dissapear on me. Especialy not him. 3.5.05 // I finaly made my appologies to Zack today...I didn't think I could do it, and I've been holding back so many months, that it just didn't feel the way it should. I was listening in on Church to what Greg was saying this time, and he told us that Appolgies where the only way to healing...to be kind to someone that you despise for a change. I took his advice, and didn't get the reaction I was looking for. Either way, I'm sure we'll both come to terms with our rocky relationship. It's been like this for months, ever since we broke up last year around this time. I started being rude to him since he didn't seem to be bothered by the breakup that only days before he'd been crying about...his freinds decided to be all macho and treat me like dirt (they still do, by the way). I want to appologize to them all. Amy and Heather are comming first. I suppose I'll make my way up from there...Zack already told me not to over instant messenger, that they'd just tear me apart. I believe him whole-heartedly...and speaking of, it just doesn't seem like he believes my appology. In fact, it seems like he isn't fazed in the least by it. Perhaps he doesn't care as much as he's not letting on, and I'm just a serious pain in the ass to him and everybody else that he knows. He claims that they'll never forgive me for what I've done to them, but I still don't know what 'done' consists of. He never elaborates when I ask. I want to call him, but he's avoiding me now...perhaps it's a denial stage? I don't know. All I can do now is pray and keep appologizing untill the weight that's held me down for well over a year dissapears...I can only immagine how long it's going to take me, and it'll only get worse before it gets better, which brings me to another thing. Frank is probably the one true blue freind that I have in my life. I told him about my problems with Zack, and he was more than wiling to listen to me over Dairy Queen, which I kindly refused...it just makes me feel so much better knowing that there is someone out there that you can count on to help you through it. He really makes my day so much more bearable, and I thank him for it... Man, the feeling of hatred towards Zack is just so strong...I can feel it ebbing on my chest, and it makes me want to cry...just sit and cry, or even just die. I can't live with this much longer. I really hope that this healing process doesn't take everything out of me. I've got so much ahead of me...I can't let things like this hold me down. Zack, please accept my appology. I don't know what I'll do with myself if you don't...and I'm crying just thinking about the rejection. I don't care if you don't want to speak with me anymore...I just want to see that you understand...that I'm being acknowledged, and not brushed away. Perhaps there's a part of me that'll never be able to let you go. We had so much that went down the drain those last few months, and I was the worst bitch that a person could be...I'll never understand how things happened that way, or why I started feeling so terrible. I can't blame your freinds anymore...it was my own fault for being so clingy and not letting you have any space or freind time. It's my fault that your freinds hate me the way that they do, and talk about me when I'm not around. I don't know if you do, but if you do, I wish that you wouldn't...although I know that I deserve every foul thing you can say. My behavior has been atrocious around you...if you want to know, the reason I switched churches was because I couldn't stand to be in the same building with you anymore...that sounds absolutely horrible now that I say it, so selfish, and self-centered. I don't know why, but for some reason I just can't remember any of the good times we had, and I seem to dwell on everything bad that ever happened between us...petty arguing, yelling...ignorance. The kiss that I refused to give you one day that had you giving me the evil eye for the rest of the day, and most of the next one. I'm sorry for all of the suffering I put you though. The one thing that keeps me loving you is that day in the family room when you had come over...you used to come over so much. That day when I'd first realized that I liked you more than a freind. I even remember the day when I had to go to work, and you wouldn't let me go...the other days when you'd walk me home, and we'd laugh and joke...the days when everybody was freinds, and I didn't look upon (now) your freinds with resentment and hatred for what they'd done to me. The time we'd gone to the zoo, and kissed when nobody was looking...holding hands in the couch so that nobody would catch on. I laugh at these times...they where the best of my life. You really where a big part of my summer, whether you realize it or not...you changed my life...for the better or worse, I have yet to know. I'll only know the answer to that when I've finnished my appologies, and the wounds that run deep have been sown up and healed...there will forever be scars...perhaps if I look upon all the good times, I'll stop thinking so depressingly about everything. One of these days, I'll look at you in the halls and smile...a true blue joyfull smile, and not a fake smile that only acknowledges your prescence and hides the anxiety of wanting to hurt you, hating you...I can't...I won't hate you anymore, Zack. I CAN'T hate you anymore. In fact, I tell you honestly, and with all my heart, that all of this time, I have trully and deeply and madly loved you with all of my heart, wishing that you'd come back to me, even though it's impossible. The part that won't let go is stronger than the hurt, and perhaps that's my real problem, which with time shall be mended, with the help of the Lord, and the support of a few true freinds. They come in such short supply, as I've learned. I guess the only thing I can do now is be a freind to you. You say that you respect me. Perhaps I'll never know what that means, but I take it to heart...I take it with me and stick it on my dresser, just like one picture of you and I that I keep...a reminder that we where once unseperable, and that just like this broken heart, it can be mended. 2.3.05 // Me and Sammy finnaly got our heads together and decided (with a bit of my nagging) to go to the Museum of Science and industry to see the Body Worlds exhibit there. I'm telling anybody who's reading this to go and see it! It's totally worth it, and a really enlightening experience, as I wrote in the guestbook next to, "It was awsome homies!". We where going to go to the zoo, but I didn't feel like driving out that way, and it was kind of chilly today anyhow...perhaps next week with the comming of better weather. In the meantime, it was shamefull that Erik didn't come along this time. I'm sure he and Sam would've been cracking jokes the whole time...though I guess that it's nice for us to get some alone-time once in a while. I still feel bad that he had to miss it though...Anyhow, after that, we came on home and my 'rents ordered some pizza. When they went to bed, he and me started acting like a bunch of loons and racing rolling chairs that...wheren't very good at rolling on the floor. There was a lot of foot-scuttling. Only we can think of the weird anime spoofoffs that we do. I bet we're all original!! Maybe one of these days I'll write down all of the rediculous ideas we come up with. 3.20.04 // Vacation is upon me...eight hour weekdays, here I come...or have came, anyhow. Unfortunately, because of the days I took off, it's impossible to make any more money than I usually do. *curses* That's okay though. I'm particularly happy that I get to hang out with Sammy more often now, since I have a later cerfiew, and it's not a school night anymore. I love that boy to death...he's probably the nicest, yet jokingest person I've ever met (is that even a word...?). Hopefully things will turn out alright this week. I can't stand to be upset over a break. Buhbye school!! 3.10.05 // There's a new kid name Marco in my Applied Mathematics class...he's definately one to behold, that kid. Every morning, or at least it seems like it, he asks if he's in the right room. He's really a funny guy, just a little on the, should I say, empty side? Either way, I know that he's an avid weed smoker, can definately tell. I got a chance to talk to him since he's in chorus, and he's really quite a charming fellow...pretty easy on the eyes too. I'll let off on that though, since in the same day...in the same PERIOD, he was surrounded by at least twenty girls, all obviously flirting with him. Perhaps what he needs is a freind, so I can help with that, and I definately will. 9.23.04 // Today has got to be the strangest and most annoying day of my life at the same time. I'm writting several essays on band respect issues while watching our male seniors walk around in mini-skirs and pink afros... Well, anyway, this one girl is being such a bitch to us. She talks nothing but crap about the flute section when we're not around, and it's driving me crazy! She's such a damn lie teller! I just wanna kill her sometimes!! But anyway...back to those essays. There goes the trombone... 9.15.04 // Yawn. This is the turn of my 'career'. I've decided to do graphic animation instead of web design and design. No video games. That stuff is complicated and I don't have the math-crunching skills to do it. Now it's just a matter of deciding which college i want to go to before the papers are due... 8.21.04 // I just found out a few hours ago from my good freind that the youth pastor of her church (of which I attend pretty often) has been fired. The circumstances are not clear to me, but as far as I've heard, the congregation was just not happy with the job he was doing. I loved that guy! He was funny, and taught a moral lesson all at the same time. I learned so many things from him, and actualy learned to be a real christian there. The youth group at my actuall church doesn't teach the kids any morals. Many of my freinds will turn around after the service and swear like it was a good thing. It sickens me. My prayers go out to you, Steve...We'll miss you. 8.18.04 // Wake up, eat, work, band, sleep, wake, eat, work, band, sleep... And I can tell YOU that it's getting quite annoying. How many more days can I put up with this before I tear my hair out by the roots in the back of my skull?! Not much longer, I assure you. But, on the good side, Launa's headstone is finnaly in, so I can actually FIND her grave. 15 she was, had her birthday only a few months before she died of the brain anurism in her sleep. God bless her for that much pity. But, God giveth, and God taketh away I guess. Wherever you are, Launa...the happiest days to you. ACK! I'm a senior!! I've got to go and get my registration filled out...even though I'll have a million holes in the schedule because of my stupid counselor...*thwacks the counselor* DIEE!! And that, ladies and gent's, be my life. |
