| Things to remember while going to Uni. Another bunch of years 12s are having to drag those stupid preference forms out of the bag and forge their parent's signatures at form asssembly the morning their due. What does this mean? That's right kids, it's university enrolements time Again. Woo. Stupid open days staffed by stupid enthusiastic kids with shit taste in music. So in the interests of helping these young 'uns, I'm providing a little bit of a guide to help you pick a school in the first place, and not wind up in some fuckwit's host scheme in the second. Enjoy. #1 - avoid large groups of people all wearing the same colour tshirt. Walk past quickly, don't make eye contact. #2 - if they have some guy with a couple of shitty turntables and a hat on that says something like "DJ I have a big dick, just look at my car, I'm not compensationg for anything, seriously mate", walk around the other way. #3 - if the tshirts they're wearing have some clever bite of the VB logo, run like fuck and never come back. #4 - seating is important in lectures. Up the back, and try for the end of the row. The logic is this: ITS A SHITLOAD EASIER WHEN YOU GET SOME POOR KID WHO'S DOING THEIR MASTERS, AND IS TAKING THEIR FIRST LECTURE EVER AND CAN'T USE THE MICROPHONE FOR SHIT. It's embarassing for all concerned. So sneak out at the first available opoortunity and go smoke some crack. #5 - on that note...big folders and/or lecture pads are cool. They make big pillows. Sleep is rad. Sleeping in lectures is rad. So if you're not going to sneak out, instead go right up the very back row in a dark corner. #6 - take a white-out pen to lectures. Some interesting debates get started on those little folding table things. If not, you can just draw pictures of penises or something. #7 - which reminds me, in R1, there's two folding tables, one sports the slogan "aaron sykes hates fags", the other "aaron sykes hates immigrants". I think we can conclude from that that Aaron Sykes is a fucking moron. Whoever he is. #8 - don't go to melbourne uni. Simple as that. #9 - the key factor here is avoiding boredom. Because quite frankly uni is fucking boring. And tutorials are the absolute fucking worst. Especially first year ones. Everyone just sits there and does nothing. So say shit that's controversial, just to provoke a reaction. Take a far out and obviously wrong stance like 'all Asian people should be rounded up and shot' and run with it. And stick to it. Sure, everyone will think you're a complete bigot (although some people will agree with you, trust me, the tertiary education system is no longer just for the left wing hippie), but you'll have some fun. #10 - cut down the radical political kids at every opportunity. It's a bit mean coz most of them are pretty genuine...but ESPECIALLY if you spot someone who's just in it to be cool or whatever, take EVERY opportunity to bring them back to reality. #11 - if you ever get a chance to 'present your rebuttal' in a tutorial, DO IT. (simpsons fans, you KNOW what I'm talking about here). #12 - tell everyone stories as often as possible about that friend of yours that analysed the handrails on the escalators and found traces of blood, urine, shit, semen, saliva, and teriyaki sauce (that's actually true though, except the teriyaki sauce). Then make it blatantly obvious that you're touching them, before you go eat. #13 - if you're doing any arts subjects, just pretend you're rik from the young ones and say things he would say all the time. You'd probably fit right in. #14 - just for a joke, see if you can fit into one of the book return chutes in the library. #15 - don't go. BACK : HOME |