Whoa! looks at reviews I didn’t expect this much of a reaction...

Chaine: That’s what you get for throwing random plot-twists in a cliffhanger, V.

Well, excuse me for being addicted to Kill Bill and Lovecraft... It’s just how the chapter came to me.

Murasaki: And I help!

Chaine: If you violate your author principles by doing what I think you‘re going to do... flicks out claws

Calm down! I won’t...yet.

Chaine: But just what did Dib DO that was so...well, awful

Oh, I think you’re just going to have to wait like everyone else, my muse of Coherence & Rational Plot. ...ha!

An Invader Scorned!

Chapter 5: FARTS! The Doofus Horror

The stands of the Grand Imperial Dissection Theatre on Irk were jam-packed with Irkens, from the coveted front-row seats of the elite behind squirt proof poly-glass to the lowly table-drones cramped waaaaaaaaaay up in the rafters. A rainbow of green, purple, read, and blue bug-eyes all stared eagerly down at the maddeningly vague shape hidden under a tarp that was laid out on the operating table dead-center. Even the All-mighty Tallests themselves were on the edge of their seats in the Royal box, impatient to find out what the frightfully suggestive thing was. The only distinguishing feature it had was a bizarre tuft of black hair arching out from underneath the tarp’s edge like a scythe-bladey-thing...

In a burst of fanfare, a lone figure strode confidently into the operating room. Cheers went up as the crowd beheld his tall and awesome presence standing before the table. In the glaring spotlight, his eyes glinted an even more brilliant red and his many medals of honor gleamed like miniature suns upon his proud Irken chest. Yes, it truly seemed that the Mighty Zim, elitist of the elite Irken Invaders, had at last achieved the acclaim he so rightly deserved.

“My fellow Irkens,” he began when the cheers died down. “I brings me great pride to be here today, standing before you all in the warm warmth of Victory. When the Tallests sent me to Earth, I was sure that my MIGHTY Irken might alone would assure my conquest of the filthy populace! Surely, the astounding POWER of my superior Invader training would be more than enough to eliminate any and all opposition that faced me, Zim! None of the dirty monsters even lift a hand to resist my attack! NONE! Save one. One amongst the smelly bulk of human-stink dared to defy Zim! Only one being spawned from the steaming masses of Earthenoid dookie had to nerve to raise up from his germy origins and become a threat to me! ZIM! Oh, many were our battles and he was a mighty opponent indeed. This one human had nearly equaled me in all my Irken prowess!”

He paused with a wistfully sigh. “It was almost a shame I had to destroy that human, for he was nearly my equal in every way. Almost. But even one such as he could never withstand the wrath of Zim! Now, I am pleased to present you all the most formidable soldiers in the UNIVERSE--”

Grabbing the tarp, Zim yanked it off the table to reveal the exquisitely broken body of...

SLURP!-foosh-THUMP!

With a growl, Zim slowly got up from the cold sickbay floor that his head had suddenly decided to become better aquatint with. He would’ve glared wrathfully about the room but something had latched itself to his face mere seconds after he stood up.

“MASTER!” wailed G.I.R., his cyan eyes filled with tears. “It’s bad! It’s soooo bad, Master! You gotta do something about the Bad Lady! She’s wrecking the house and throwing away all our stuff...like my piggies, those pictures of Dib... yelling at everybody...kicking Mini-moose... beating up on that fat taco-guy... Oh Master! She vaporized my tacos! My poor tacos, Master! WHY!”

Dropping to the floor, G.I.R.’s rapid-fire gibbering dissolved into a tantrum of sobs and floor-pounding as he wept for his poor, poor tacos.

“Eh? What craziness are you babbling now?” sneered Zim, tugging off his gel-soaked pants and grabbing a fresh uniform from the storage container. But the mental machine was too far gone in his mourning to even notice the question, so Zim marched past it and took the elevator up to the lab. Surely, the computer might...

“GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU VINDICTIVE PSYCHO-BITCH!”

“How dare you!” screamed Tak, nimbly avoiding the computer’s defensive laser-blasts. “I am your MASTER now! You will obey ME, you obsolete piece of...”

“Holy humping monkeys! What is this MADNESS!”

Tak whirled around, staring at her rival in shock. Behind her, Mini-moose squeaked feebly from where it was lodged in the wall over Skoodge’s twitching body. The lab was practically a war-zone of frayed wires, smashed monitors, scorch marks, and even a few bloody stains from where she had been rampaging.

“Zim! You’re...you’re awake!”

“Of course I’m awake! Why shouldn’t I be?” he groused, looking around at his ruined lab then turned a glare of sheer Zim fury on her. “I demand to know what in the name of the All-mighty Tallests’ has been going on! What are you doing in my lab? How did Skoodge get wounded? And why is the computer launching a full out attack?”

“Because Tak’s trying to take over the base, you moron!” snarled the computer, smacking it’s non-existent forehead against the metaphoric wall in frustration. “Then she was gonna kill you, because-”

Seizing the opportunity, Tak quickly charged the console and shut off the computer’s loudspeaker before it could say more. Then she turned to Zim, flashing a winning smile.

“What?” Zim asked warily, impervious to her feminine charms.

“I can explain everything, Zim. Here, have a seat.” Hastily, she led him over to the two chairs that had escaped the mayhem. With a strained look of concerned, Tak help him into the most comfortable chair. “Comfy? Want a foot-rest? Or perhaps a drink?”

Zim blinked at the sudden displays of kindness. “I’m fine...”

“Good-good! If you feel...eh, unwell, you just let me know and I‘ll take care of it.”

“Tak, what are you babbling on about? I’m perfectly well!”

“Of course you are...” she cooed, patting his hand.

“What is going on?” Zim repeated, noting a margarine stirring to life in the depths of his But let me just say that your Dib problems are all over. He‘s no longer a threat to you...or any other Irken...”

“Dib! What his large head got to do with all this? And why would he no longer be a threat to me?”

“’Cause Dib’s dead, baby.” Tak pulled the cyborg arm out of her PAK and laid it one Zim’s lap.

He stared at the grinning femme fatale as if she had brain-worms. Then he looked down at the arm. His face was absolutely expressionless as a terrifying silence fell over the room.

“I was going to toss that in the garbage,” said Tak, feeling vaguely nervous now. “But I figured that you’d like to keep it. You know? As a souvenir.”

“How’d he die?” Zim asked, voice strangled and very quiet.

“Pardon?”

“How did Dib die?”

The grin broadened into a hellish leer. “Oh, you should’ve seen it! It was a true stroke of genius, Zim! Genius! Even you would‘ve been proud of its ingeniousness!” Tak leaned back into her chair, basking in her evil. “First, I sent the human a fake call from you to lure him out into a remote gulch where I had set a very, very special trap for him using a scavenged hologram projector and a refurbished gasoline generator. Once he was incapacitated, I tore that-” Tak gestured to the arm. “-off and knocked him out before placing restraints on his meat-flesh so he wouldn’t escape from the vehicle storage space while I was driving. Then I performed the ultimate coup d’état by tossing his filthy carcass into a grave and leaving him to suffer a slow, suffocating death! Pretty cool, huh?”

Zim just stared at her.

“I’m sure that you must be feeling one of two ‘R’s right now: Regret or Relief.” Tak crossed her arms. “So, which is it? Relief that Dib’s gone? Or Regret that you’ll never get to face him on the battlefield?”

Zim continued staring blankly.

“Oh come on!” hissed Tak angrily. “You have to be feeling something right now!”

“Ooh...I’m feeling something alright...” Pressing a button on his arm rest, Zim sent both the chair and Tak falling into a tiny, darkened agony booth. As she screamed in unimaginable pain, Zim snarled over the intercom, “In the last few seconds you have of sanity before the agony becomes unbearable, I’m going to answer you pathetic question. I feel Regret. Regret that, one of the greatest fighters I have EVER known met his end at the bottom of a hole buried in stinking mud by a vindictive, hose-beast, skank whore-monster like you!” With an angry flick, he cut off the intercom and upped the agony threshold to maximum.

“That human deserved better.” he muttered, stroking the arm gently.

Elsewhere...

Mike Hunt, server of Mac Meaty’s no. 5,5756 on Route 999, had never been so bored in the entirety of his fast-food career. Alone and in the vacuous emptiness of the restaurant, Hunt had exhausted all the possible ways a human being could amuse themselves using a Slurpie machine, straws, and packets of condiments. He’d even braved a look in the manager’s office for dirty magazines...

Now all he did was stare vacantly out at the lifeless roadway and the surrounding scrub that crowded every visible inch of ground. A strange movement of bushes caught his eyes.

While Mike stared, a young boy in a tattered trench coat stumbled across the road. As he got closer to the Mac Meaty’s, he noticed that the guy was covered in grim from the tip of his frizzled cowlick to the tips of his scuffed boot, and carrying an equally grimy shovel in one hand... a hand which, Mike slowly realized to his horror, was complete devoid of flesh...

The boy with the skeleton hand walked nonchalantly into the restaurant and over to the register. Leaning his shovel against the counter, the boy straightened his fractured and twisted glasses. “May I have a Large Classic Poop please?”

“...And that’s when Tak threw me into the wall.” Skoodge gasped, feeling winded from having explained everything that had happened since the crazed female had arrived at Zim’s base.

“So let me see if I got this right: Tak read the readouts on my condition s that’s why she killed Dib.”

Skoodge nodded happily.

“And the human did what to me, again?”

“Uh...well, he...” The bundle of alien pudge shifted uneasily under Zim’s gaze. “You know...”

“Know what?” That migraine from earlier was now line-dancing it’s way across his brain.

“They think Dib raped you, stupid meat-sack!” barked the computer, glad the loudspeaker was back on. “R-A-P-E! You know: Ravished! Taken against one’s will! Sexually assaulted! Gotten with smeet without prior consent! Expecting an unwelcome visit! Knocked up with a vengeance!”

Zim gaped at the computer in shock for a brief second. Then the screaming started.

“What the-- How can I be pregnant! I’m MALE! MALE!” He failed his claws wildly.

“But Dib was male too! And males only do that with females.” Skoodge firmly declared.

“Squeak.” countered Mini-moose.

“Yah,” agreed the computer. “Zim is a bit light in the combat-boots, if you get me...”

Zim hissed in barely suppressed rage. “I am not!”

“Anyway,” Skoodge huffed. “That wouldn’t explain how all that human DNA showed up in Zim’s body! Unless you and Dib recently had...” His voice trailed off under the deadly glare of his fellow Invader.

If computers could snicker nastily, than the base computer would’ve done so. “Hehe... the fleshy moron’s got a cream-filled center...”

“That’s just sick.” Zim said flatly. “Just because it’s human DNA doesn’t mean I’m pregnant or full of Dib stuff...:”

“Then how did it get there, sir?”

“Simple, Skoodge. I put it there.”

The rotund one’s jaw-dropped. “Huh?”

“Obviously, you are astounded by my brilliance.” Zim purred, grinning. “See, Skoodge, in order to surpass the Dib, I had to first overcome my weakness against Earth’s vile hazards! By sneaking into his bedroom one night, I obtained a sample of Dib’s.. eh, secretions and fashioned a retrovirus from that to introduce just enough human DNA to grant me immunity to the effects of Earth food and water. Unfortunately, the only way to activate the retrovirus was to be beaten to a state of near-death, but once again Dib served as a tool for his own destruction... Or at least what would’ve been his destruction had that HORRIBLE Tak not killed him...” He ground out that last sentence.

“But sir...”

Zim gestured him to silence. “I know, I know! It’s a massive violation of Invader protocol to combine our superior Irken genes with those of the stink beasts we’re going to conqueror. But I’m sure the Tallests will understand that we had resort to desperate measures to handle Dib...”

“We?” meeped Skoodge weakly.

“Of course! I gave the retrovirus to you too.”

Leaving Skoodge gaping in stunned horror, Zim went over to the console chair. “Computer, give me the coordinates to Tak’s base on Earth. We’ll use whatever weapon she had to finish our mission and return to Irk...”

Meanwhile...

Tak writhed in pure AGONY as the booth evil energies seared through her. For the thousandth time, she prayed for the mercy of blissful oblivion to seize her, yet it never came. All was pain and pain was all Tak knew now. There was only the pain...and a burning thirst for vengeance upon the one who had put her there in the first place.

She could still hear Zim’s voice echoing through her tortured mind. It battered and reverberated down to the very core of her, feeding a hatred that was already burning with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns!

In a brief moment of clarity, Tak saw something enter the room. It stared at her from across the room, eyes and chest blazing with angry red light. A tiny hand reached toward the “LAUNCH” button.

“This is for the tacos.”

Wracked by a fresh wave of AGONY, Tak could only scream as G.I.R. slammed a fist down on the button and sent the booth rocketing out of base to hurtle into the cold depths of space.