V’s Disclaimer…Of DOOM!

I hereby state that I have never smoked, consumed, or otherwise partaken of the herb cannabis. However, I have had up-close & personal experiences with the effects it has upon people & libidos. This experience, plus Black Sabbath’s “Sweet Leaf,” inspired the…eh, pseudo-‘plot’ of this fic. Enjoy the smut. Please keep tongue firmly in cheek. Do not taunt the Happy Fun Ball. And remember: It was the 70’s …

“What exactly are we doing, James?”

“Well, my dear Remus, it’s simple: We’re taking a pre-N.E.W.T.S break.” James replied, helping Peter hoist up a stack of records and some boxes. “Now, quit being so grumpy and give us a hand.”

Sighing, Remus picked up the records and glanced at the top-most album. “Black Sabbath? Who are they?”

Grabbing up an armful of snacks, James sadly shook head. “You poor deprived child. They happen to be one of the greatest bands in all of wizardry.”

“I thought they was all Muggles.” quipped Peter, pulling himself out of the hole in the floor.

“I’ll have you know that Geezer Butler is one of the best-known wizards in Birmingham!”

“What about that Ozzy fellow? Is he one of our kind too?”

James looked at him. “He’s Ozzy-fucking-Osborne. What the hell do you think?”

Remus, who’d been ignoring them as he climbed up stairs, continued thumbing through the albums.

“Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Nazareth, Deep Purple, The Who… Alice Cooper? Isn’t she one of those disco singers?”

Both James and Peter stared at him.

“Uh, Remus… Alice Cooper’s a man.”

He blinked in surprise and squinted at the album cover. “Are you sure? Cause it still looks like a skinny old lady in too much eyeliner to me.”

“That’s because you’ve lead a hideously sheltered life.” Sirius purred, stepping out into the hall suddenly to usher them into the old master bedroom. “But don’t worry. We’ll soon make a man of the world out of you.”

“Speaking of ‘worldly matters,’” James grinned, throwing his arm about his friend. “Did you bring the party favors?”

“Of course.” Reaching into his jacket, Sirius produced a small, red and violet paisley enameled tin. He opened it and pulled out a plain white ‘cigarette’ which he offered to James. “Here you go, mate.”

“Excellent!” Taking it, James stretched out on the bed and fired it up.

Remus raised an eyebrow and turned to Sirius. “Please tell those aren’t what I think they are…”

The smirk on Sirius’ face widened into a leering smile. “Be a dear, Remus, and put a record on.”

He frowned, but went over to the battered Vitrola anyway. As he dropped the needle, Remus turned to face his friends with hands on hips.

“Now look here. While I am perfectly willing to let the sneaking out to have a party slide, I cannot just sit by and allow you all to flagrantly break the law like this! Marijuana possession is illegal by both wizard and Muggle law. Not to mention that it is a dangerous and harmful drug.”

Rolling his eyes, Sirius took a toke off the joint James passed to him. “Would you relax? It’s just a little pot. You’re making it sound like I’m handing out coke and heroin to firsties. Besides, it’s only illegal if you get caught.”

“Like you’re gonna rat on us!” squeaked Peter, snatching the joint. After taking a hit, he offered it to Remus. “Here. Have a go.”

“Excuse me?! I happen to be a school Prefect.”

“So what? Mary Jane Warner’s a Hufflepuff Prefect, and she’s the one who gave me this stuff in the first place. Outta her own private stash, too.”

Remus stared at him. “You‘re joking, right?”

“Afraid not.” James giggled. “Kind of explains why all the ickle Huffs are so chubby, eh? They’ve all got the bloody munchies!”

Remus looked down at the smoldering joint, then gingerly took it from Peter’s hand. He glanced at expectant faces of his housemates and friends, then back at the joint.

“Just take one little puff,” Sirius prompted. “And we’ll shut up about it.”

“Fine.” With a huff of defeat, Remus put the joint to his lips and inhaled deeply.

“Whoa boy!” Sirius came up and started patting the choked boy’s back. “Let’s not bogart it on our first try.” Taking the joint from Remus, he turned to Peter.

“Mister Wormtail, be a good man and get our Moony a drink.”

“Righto, Mister Padfoot.” Reaching into a box stashed by the bed, Peter grabbed a heavy green bottle and handed over to Remus, who gladly gulped half of it.

“Mmph!” Nearly choking again, Remus looked at the label. “What the… This is beer!”

“Why of course it’s beer!” replied Sirius casually. “It’s far too early to be breaking out the Firewhiskey.”

He glared at him. “Sirius,”

“Yes?”

“Where did you get the beer and Firewhiskey?”

“Actually,” Peter piped up. “I’m the one who got it. Went down to Honeydukes cellar myself. You wouldn’t believe what a pain in the ass it was to drag all those ruddy bottles out, one by one, as a rat. But I managed just fine. Even had time to put a chilling charm on the box so they’d be frosty cold.”

“You stole the lot of it?!” Remus sputtered, sitting on the bed.

“Certainly not!” James snapped, taking another toke. “He left some money behind to pay the bill, didn’t you Peter?”

“Umm…”

“Peter?”

“Yah. Yah, I left the money on the shelf, just like you told me to.”

He clapped Remus on the back. “See? We aren’t complete delinquents.”

“Just low-down, cheap little punks.” Sirius barked, plopping down beside Remus. “Now, pull the briar out of you ass and have some fun with us.”

Looking back and forth at the two smiling faces, Remus knew he had lost. He took the joint and slurped the last of his beer. “Fine, but this is the only time.”

A few tokes and several beers later, James took it upon himself to educate Remus and Peter in the finer details between Led Zeppelin and the Who.

“They’ve both got a bit in common, like havin’ a blonde front man and a dark-haired lead guitarist. But the sound! The sound is completely different. The Who’s for guys into all that glam rock stuff, like Bowie or the Stones--”

“The Stones ain’t glam, James.” grumped Sirius.

“Jagger’s always prancing ‘bout like some flaming poof! That’s pretty damn glam to me!” James shot back, downing his fourth beer.

Munching through a bag of chips, Remus shrugged. “What’s glam?”

“God, what’s the world coming to?” sighed James wearily. “Think of glam like…eh, like pretending to be gay to get girls and piss prudes off.”

Sirius sniggered. “Or how James acts normally.”

“Right…” James glared. “Anyway, Led Zeppelin… Zeppelin is more.. more deep. Deep and sleazy. It’s Sirius as music. But without any depth.”

“Bullshit!” Laughing, Sirius hugged James around the waist and pulled him onto his lap. “I’m always very deep.”

“Yah,” snickered James, leaning back against him. “Always deep in shit.” Remus rolled his eyes. “Well, I’d say that you’re both full of it.”

Without warning, Peter (who’d been getting sleepy) tumbled off the bed and landed on the floor with a heavy ’thamp!”.

“You alright?” asked Remus as he, James, and Sirius leaned over to see.

“Fine, fine…” came the muzzy reply. “But I’m afraid somebody built that bed too high…or is the floor just too low?”

Sirius detangled himself from James and helped Peter to his feet. “Come on. I think you need some fresh air…”

“M’kay.” He clung onto Sirius as the pair weaved and stumbled down the hall. When they had gone, James turned to Remus.

“Look, mate.” he began in a surprisingly sober tone. “What’s got your panties in a twist? You’ve been acting so damn bitchy lately.”

“Let me see…” grumbled Remus. “A short time ago, someone who I happen to love very dearly became the victim an extremely horrific prank perpetrated by two of my so-called ‘friends’, and not have they left me, they won’t even speak or look at me. So, yeah, you could say that why I’m being such a bitch.”

“Jesus… That was awhile ago, Remus.”

“It’s barely been two weeks!”

“Whoa, calm down.” James scooted closer and put an arm around Remus. “Snivellius is perfectly fine, if a bit less mouthy- not such a bad thing, if you ask me- and nobody else knows about you’re ‘condition’, so everything’s just peachy! You act like we hurt someone.”

“You did. Me.” With that, he shrugged off James and curled up against the headboard.

James started to say something when Sirius came back in.

“How’s Peter?”

“Passed-out on the sofa.” answered Sirius with a shake of his head. “Told you he wouldn’t last long.”

He glanced at Remus. “Well, what’s wrong with you?”

“He’s been dumped, Sirius.”

“Eh?” He blinked in surprise as he cuddled back up with James. “When you get a girl, Remus?”

“It was a he.”

“Don’t worry, though.” Remus hissed coldly. “You two did quite a good job running him off.”

“Wait a tick… We didn’t do nothing!” groused Sirius. “Hell, I never even knew you had a boyfriend.”

“Well, I don’t now.”

Sirius frowned and leaned in James’ ear.

“Did we really run his boy off?” he asked quietly.

“Yes,” James answered, adding in a louder voice, “But it wasn’t on purpose.”

“Oh dear lord!” gasped Sirius, nudging James with a wink. “I suppose we’d better make it up to Remus then…”

“Eh? Oh! ” James stared at him for a moment before he got the hint. “I dunno, Sirius… He’s still pretty sore about it.” He shifted so he was straddling Sirius’ legs. “Might not accept our apology.”

Remus glared at them suspiciously. “What are you two up to?”

With a naughty smirk, Sirius shushed him. “Just watch.” he purred as James nuzzled his neck. Gently, he cupped James’ face in his hands and leaned in, lightly brushing their lips together.

Remus gaped at them, but did nothing as he watch James’ tongue dart out to trace the bottom of Sirius upper lip. He leaned while they slow deepened the kiss, barely noticing that he was sliding a hand up his thigh.

They broke apart, panting and grinning at Remus, who was now practically on top of them.

Flushed and suddenly ashamed of himself, Remus jerked back. He tried to say something -- anything -- but his tongue felt like a lead weight. All he managed was a strangled cough.

Sirius shrugged, smiling wolfishly at him. Casually, he hooked his fingers under the back of his and yanked it off in one smooth motion, tossing it toward Remus. Then he reached out, dragging James into a harsh, sloppy kiss as he leaned back on his elbows.

He groaned loudly when James started nipping slowly down his neck and over his collarbone. In lazy little laps, James moved bit by bit across Sirius’ chest, lightly biting one nipple while he pinched the other.

Watching eagerly, Remus began to rub his hand over his hardening cock. He breath came in harsher rasps as James worked his way further down, tonguing up to the edge of Sirius’ pants. Remus groaned in disappointment when James stop and pulled away from Sirius, but it was short-lived.

Crawling up in between his legs, James slip his hands up under Remus’ sweater. He nuzzled the skin as it was exposed, pushing the sweater up till it was bunched up underneath Remus’ armpits.

“No…Stop!” Remus gasped as James nibbled a path up his stomach to his chest. “This is wrong! This…is wrong… wrong… wrong… wrong!” He kept chanting that even as they rolled onto their sides, grinding against each other.

A pair of hands grasped Remus by the waist and suddenly pulled him backwards. “Mmm…No undies, eh?” Sirius chuckled into his ear, unzipping Remus’ pants and tugging them down around his knees. “Very nice of you, Moony.”

“Don’t you dare!” Remus snarled, trying to twist out of James’ arms.

James looked at him innocently. “Dare do what? This?” He reached down and wrapped his hand around Remus’ erection.

“Or maybe this?” purred Sirius, slipping a finger inside of him.

Cursing with a yelp, Remus glared at James. “You…you fucking planned this, didn’t you?!”

Smirking, James stroked him leisurely. “Only a little.”

Remus growled, squirming under James’ languid strokes and the hard, frantic fingering from Sirius. He buried his face in James’ neck, muttering a string of obscenities and threats as he humped back and forth between them.

James pushed him back against Sirius, moving back down until he was between Remus’ legs. Licking the tip of his cock , James looked up Remus then slurped it into his mouth nosily.

“Fuck!” Remus bucked forward, grabbing a handful of James’ hair. “Watch the teeth, dammit!”

“Oooh… You better watch your mouth.” Sirius cooed, pulling his fingers out. “You’re giving me a hard-on.” He thrust into Remus with a hiss, biting down on his neck.

With Sirius pounding him and James sucking him off, Remus was soon lost in a heaving haze of lust. At first, he kept howling curses, but words failed him as he began just snarling and screaming. Then the world seem to shatter as he came with a roar.

Remus slumped forward, dimly aware of James pulling back as Sirius coming off inside of him.

“Good lord…” James panted, rolling over and rubbing his jaw. “Did you think you could’ve screamed any louder, Remus? I think I’ve still got an eardrum left.”

“Kiss my ass.” he replied muzzily.

Sirius laughed in puffs, cuddling against Remus. “Are you still pissed at us?”

“Mmm… not as much.” he mused, pulling off his sweat soaked clothes. “I’m still going to get you both for this.”

“Right…” James replied, nuzzling into his neck. “Just let us get our breathe…”

Laughing, Remus nipped his ear. “Fine…” he murmured. “But only for a second.”