"MENO’s thoughts on the subject of Autoharp maintenance and fingerpicking were completely irrelevant. I would have liked to have learned more about where fog comes from, and why art must continue to hold a mirror up to reality even though most people spend the majority of their time on the internet these days, which means that nobody has any time to blow on learning an instrument that is simply obsolete, like Latin. Besides, I could never be bothered to practice. I prefer to listen to music, especially the kind that’s on the radio (the free kind)."

• Yo Yo Ma

"MENO gives readers a story rich in precise, gorgeous language that glows like a sword on the forge and cuts as deep."

• Publicist’s Weekly

"A rich tale of healing, redemption, and social responsibility."

• MENO

"The dialgoue is great. I especially liked the table settings and the funny outfits. Grodin definitely is a comedian for the next millenium. I enjoyed every page of THE BIBLE, and would read it again. As a matter of fact, 2+2=4."

• Jeeves

VISIT OUR WEBSITE AT meno.diaryland.com

The Autoharp is a beautiful instrument, no? With the touch of one simple button you can be playing chords just like the pros. Just push and strum; it’s as simple as that, my friends.

Buy an Autoharp or request one as a gift. Receiving your Autoharp as a gift is by far the most economical means of procurement.

I hear that pawn shops are home to many displaced Autoharps.

eBay.

Expect to pay from $150-$600 for your Autoharp. This does not include amplification or a strap. Then again, when you’re first starting to play this challenging instrument, you don’t want to "rock out" too hard, or you could hurt yourself. "Keep it simple, stupid" is a good motto to stand by or under as you embark on this exciting journey into musical ineptitude.

Of course, you could steal an Autoharp, but in doing so, you risk imprisonment. And how silly would that be, to be shackled up with a cell-mate named Huck all for stealing what is basically a guitar that plays itself. We are slaves to our own existence as it is, so why compound the problem? Then again, what have you got to lose, really... in the long run? You start out with nothing. In the end, you’re lucky if you’ve got more than nothing…

I remember playing the Autoharp in music class. Perhaps it was fourth grade. There’s nothing like a room full of Autoharp playing schoolchildren to get a music teacher excited about her/his career. Speaking of which, I know for a fact that Ted Nugent has appeared on the Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher.

My memories of communal Autoharp playing are far more enjoyable than my memories of communal violin practice in the Suzuki method. Violins do not sound like they are in tune when children play them. But if a violin player does not start playing when a child, nothing good can ever come from the instrument. The Autoharp, on the contrary, is an easily tamed animal. You can start playing the Autoharp at any age and sound just as magnificent with it as does a five-year-old!

1) Find the chord you would like to hear.

2) Press the button of the chord you would like to hear.

3) Strum.

Shut up! Don’t whine. Just practice, practice, practice or you won’t get any cheesecake. You want that gold star, don’t you?

Lovin’ Spoonful, The Eels … just to name uh … two.

Playing more than just chords on your autoharp? You must be insane. I mean, this is close to impossible. Perhaps you should try a real harp. A harp. You know … like a harp? For to virtuoso on.

Go for it!

This is a hard word to spell, for some. It took me an hour, because I didn’t have a dictionary.

This is one way to get closer to God. However, there are certainly better, more fuel-efficient methods. I played Autoharp at my wedding, and that did not work out so hot. Perhaps we should’ve gone with the butterflies.

I have seen some of the finest Autoharpists of our time go belly up. Mostly, this can be attributed to artists who just don’t take the time to think about the business of the industry, but it’s not absurd or too "L7" to consider the effects of credit card debt and student loans.

There are a lot of strings, so I don’t recommend this. It’s just a lot of busy work, really. I think if it’s time to restring your Autoharp, you should just buy a new Autoharp altogether; one that’s already got the strings on it.

Again, there are so many strings on these instruments that it’s just silly to waste your time making it sound perfect. It’s always going to be a little "off," and you might just have to live with that. If it gets WAY out of tune, I persuasively suggest you throw it away and get a new one.

This concept is just too esoteric to even begin discussing.

It’s a tough business. My advice to the aspiring Autoharpist would be to do it only because you are passionate about the music. Don’t do it for the money. It’s a very competitive industry, and a lot of hearts are shattered along the Boulevard of Broken Dreams. If you can do something else with your life, do. You can always play the Autoharp as a hobby. Most professional Autoharp players don’t have families to support, for various reasons. So you should think about that before you make this very important decision. Can you live out your life without passing on your genetic code to future generations? Do you feel the need to provide for your own? Is your biological clock ticking? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you should not pursue the Autoharp. Career Autoharpists are made, not born, but even still … I recommend that you do as I say, not as I do. It’s a cruel world out there, and rejection is quite common. You really have to develop a thick skin to take the doors slamming in your face.