XENAMENOFRITO
A Play in Two Acts
by
David Mandel
Copyright © 2000, 2001, 2002 by David Mandel. All Rights Reserved.
CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that XENAMENOFRITO is subject to a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, and all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), and of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, and of all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights, including professional, amateur, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound taping, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as information storage and retrieval systems and photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved. Permission for readings must be secured from the author or the author’s agent in writing. No stock or amateur performance of the play may be given without obtaining written permission in advance and paying the requisite fee. All inquiries concerning rights should be addressed to:
XENAMENOFRITO Productions
5311 Hermitage Ave #15, Valley Village, CA 91607
Phone: (818) 766-8080 Fax: (561) 679-8285
All groups receiving permission to produce XENAMENOFRITO are required to give credit to the Author, as sole author of the Play in all programs distributed in connection with performances of the Play, and in all instances in which the title of the Play appears for the purpose of advertising, publicizing or otherwise exploiting the Play and/or production thereof, including without limitation, programs, souvenir books and playbills. Said credit for Author shall appear immediately following the title of the Play.
All licensees are also required to give credit in all programs as follows: "Originally produced at The Met Theatre in Los Angeles, California, 2000. Directed by Reverend Bongo Don Stroud. Original Cast: Courtney Scrabeck, Shiloh Levine, David Mandel, Don Stroud. Set designed by Dax van Aalten. Choreographer: Kitty MacNamee."
SCENE
In a perfect world, the set would behave like a pop-up book, with props, furniture, costumes, and characters suddenly appearing from all directions when required. A bare black box, cheap or even found props, and a vivid imagination will work great, too.
TIME
The future, then the present, and finally, the past. In pretty much that order.
SOUND
The original soundtrack to XENAMENOFRITO, featuring 42 original sound effect and music cues, may be used in connection with production of this play, and is available on compact disc. "Ask me how!" A few huge limited edition COFFEE(tm) mugs are also still available.
CHARACTERS
XENA
a normal-looking young (20s-40s) woman (blonde, feasibly)
MENO
a young (20s-40s) everyman
FRITO
an otherworldly-looking, short young (20s-40s) woman (possibly an acrobat)
CUSTOMER SERVICE
a courteous voice (any age, or 83)
***
SCENE A – "A PRE-SHOW ANNOUNCEMENT"
CUSTOMER SERVICE
Welcome to a new play called XENAMENOFRITO. Thank you very much for joining us tonight. I have just a few announcements before we get started here. Please refrain from talking during the performance. Just listen, please. You will have an opportunity to discuss the problems you see in this play at the end, once the onstage characters have had a chance to entertain you. Programs have been handed out on a first come, last served basis. To those of you who asked about pillows... I’m sorry, but we’re fresh out of pillows. Let me assure you that no person in the audience tonight will be singled out and asked to shout out, blurt, or otherwise suggest celebrity names, genres, or topical references. Because this is a play, and plays are written down on paper, memorized by the players and rehearsed until they are perfect. Any "mistakes" you may notice with this production are intentional and may in fact be full of meaning. Be advised that the actors will not leave the stage to participate with you at any point during the production. Similarly, you will not leave your seat in order to attempt to join the action of the play. Furthermore, you will not leave your seat to make a phone call. This does not mean that it is acceptable etiquette for you to answer a phone call from your chair, or utilize any two-way messenging device you may be just learning to use. Please. You are here to watch. There will be a brief opportunity at the end of the evening, before we all head to our vehicles, during which business cards may be exchanged. You... are my favorite word in the dictionary. Enjoy the show.
BLACKOUT.
SCENE 1 – "FRIENDS"
A bare stage.
XENA
Maybe we should just be friends.
MENO
Honey, where did that come from? You’ve never mentioned --
XENA
-- I was silent for a reason.
MENO
Is this a fight? You know I don’t like fighting. I think that would be a step backwards. And you can’t go that way in a relationship...
XENA
Why not?
MENO
Look at it this way...
MENO demonstrates "this way" she should "look at it," turning his head EXORCIST style. He holds this transfixed stare.
XENA
Don’t give me that. I’m serious.
MENO
Come on. You and I both know that if we decided to "just be friends," we would never see each other again.
XENA
Come on.
MENO
Are we through here? Is that what you’re saying?
Digital music (not quite "techno") plays.
XENA
Let’s dance.
MENO
You know I can’t dance, Xena. I look like a fool. Although I do feel oddly inspired.
MENO & XENA dance like fools. Breakdancing, the swim, the mashed potato. MENO steps on XENA’s foot. The music ends abruptly.
With a flourish, FRITO delivers bowls of pudding to the couple.
FRITO
Enjoy your meal-ennium!
A loud cymbal crash, followed by a gong.
FRITO exits.
XENA & MENO eat pudding.
Banging and crashing noises. XENA and MENO look at the noise.
FRITO enters, dumps a huge pile of clothing between the couple, and exits gracefully.
MENO
I think something got out of order, honey. We may have just downloaded a virus, dear.
XENA
I refuse to live like this much longer! This laundry’s been here for over a month and I’m sick of it! I can’t!
MENO
Why don’t you take a nap, sweetheart? Don’t worry about all that. I’ll do the laundry. I’ve been meaning to. I swear. I’m sorry. It’s my turn. But--
(Holding up a pair of
panties)
-- this-this-this is definitely yours. I could wash it/them for you if that would make you feel good. I mean, maybe if we talked more... What are you thinking?
FRITO interrupts, doing a pratfall to get attention.
The stunt works -- all eyes are on FRITO, but she has nothing to say.
XENA & MENO watch as she slinks away.
A phony LAUGH TRACK cackles at her antics.
XENA
We said we’d have this talk if it got to this point in the relationship, and here we are. You wanna keep doing this?
MENO
What do you mean "this?"
XENA
This.
MENO
Pancake... Pumpkin. There’s nothing wrong.
CANNED LAUGHTER.
XENA
I need more than that.
MENO
I guess we could see other people.
Sound of STUDIO AUDIENCE: "Awwwwww..."
XENA
(Regarding the panties)
You can keep that/those if you want. I know you like them.
MENO
They do look better off. I didn’t mean it like that -- like whatever you thought I meant. I meant it the other way.
(Pause.)
What if one day you forgot I ever existed?
Pause.
XENA
When are you going to get a real job?
Pause.
MENO
...So we’re good here? Everything’s fine?
XENA
Why don’t we go somewhere? Do something?
Sound of APPLAUSE.
MENO
I know. Let’s celebrate! Anywhere special you had in mind? We could stay here, if you want. It’s nice to just be alone for a while, with you. Are you hungry? Do you want to lie down for a bit? Are you thirsty? Can I get you some water? We could go up on the roof... We haven’t been to a movie in a while. That might be what we need. We have two entrees for the price of one coupons at Your Favorite Restaurant. You like the salad there. Doesn’t garlic peppercorn sound good? I mean, we could stay here. Do you want to order in? It’s up to you. We’ll do whatever you want to do. Tonight is about you. We could listen to the neighbors play video games. We could clean. I’ve been wanting to fix that fan. It’s up to you. Whatever you want.
XENA gives up.
Cocktail "Mingle" Music, something akin to Musak™ plays.
BLACKOUT.
SCENE 2 – "THE PROPOSAL"
MENO assumes the position.
MENO
Why don’t we get married?
XENA
Why do you do that? You can’t ask like that. We’d get divorced anyway.
MENO
This would be different.
XENA
Sure. What about us is different than them?
MENO
I don’t understand.
XENA
And that can’t be good for the children.
MENO
What children?
XENA
Exactly.
MENO
...I would like to have a son.
XENA
Then have one.
MENO
I think we should be careful about passing up an opportunity--
XENA
--Marriage penalty.
MENO
When you have children, you get a tax break. That’s all I’m saying. And it’s like five hundred bucks a kid! My parents are still together. They’re having their thirtieth anniversary next year. That’s pretty exciting, I think. We could use the money. And the home furnishings...
XENA
You know what happened to us? We stopped being careful.
MENO
You’re right. And I’m sure things will continue to get worse until suddenly it’ll all be over. But if by chance you do change your mind and decide to marry me -- and I’m not pressuring you here -- but just to sweeten the pot... married people have AFFAIRS.
XENA
Well, that does sound nice.
MENO
Of course, at some point, married people get to save their marriages. That’s why you have all these married people getting marriage counseling.
FRITO appears.
FRITO
There should be more smoking in airports. THERE SHOULD BE MORE SMOKING IN AIRPORTS.
MENO
Um, hi there. We’ve never met before, have we?
FRITO
Let’s get something straight, pal. First off, don’t be pigeonholin’ me. I ain’t no target market, okay?
XENA
Whoa. Meno, do you know this person?
MENO
No. Meno no know this person.
FRITO
Kids! My name is not important unless you remember me. But you can call me "Frito." Ha cha-cha-cha...
MENO
Good to meet you, Free...
FRITO
Toe.
MENO
Well, excuse us. We’re sort of in the middle of this "discussion," and I’m thinking out loud here, but... you agree with me, I’m sure. When you ask someone to marry you, it’s a very beautiful thing. A wedding – no question about it... is beautiful, no? But first things first, you’ve got the proposal: you gotta get down on one knee and pop that question like a MAN. Then they say "yes" and you give ‘em a ring... to symbolize --
FRITO
-- Three months’ salary!
MENO
Well, yeah, but... Look. I’m trying here.
XENA
I apologize about him.
MENO
Thanks... Where was I?
FRITO
I don’t know. Where were you?
MENO
At the altar.
FRITO
And furthermore, WHO are you?
MENO
At the altar, you say "I do."
FRITO
Do what?
MENO
Everything. Anything. And the VOWS. Please.
XENA
Then you get into your rented limo -- demonstrating a completely bogus display of wealth that will never last -- though you pretend for a day to have all this money. And as you drive off into the sunset, people throw rice at you.
MENO
Or birdseed, these days.
FRITO
Frozen butterflies, to boot.
XENA
You live around here?
MENO
She’s right, honey. That’s like the new thing now. It’s very...
FRITO
In style.
MENO
Yeah, they take these HERDS of butterflies -- imported -- and they keep them cold until just before the ceremony, then they let them go and it’s a beautiful thing that is remembered by the guests for generations. Especially if there is videotape of the event.
Again, MENO kneels beneath XENA.
XENA
I will not marry you.
A brief staring contest.
MENO
Sometimes when they let them loose, the butterflies are dead. So that can be a bad omen. Plus, they’re pretty expensive -- like four hundred bucks a dozen. But if you’re already spending thousands on the dress and the reception, then the possibility of a couple dead butterflies is worth the risk, I think. And let’s face it, what have you got to lose really? In the long run? You start out with nothing. In the end, you’re lucky if you’ve got more than nothing – Cuisinart™, whatnot... I’ll be completely honest with you: I have no idea what I’m saying anymore. I’m just wingin’ it.
XENA
Maybe I’d do it for the registry... but not with you.
FRITO
Avoid trends, people. If you’re gonna get married these days, make damn sure you make the ceremony FAMILIAR... so that the guests will recognize that this is a wedding and not some other ritual, i.e. a birthday party or a funeral. Weddings gotta LOOK like weddings or they gonna gets confused.
MENO
They who?
FRITO
The guests. Friends and family.
MENO
Well, I mean it’s all just a matter of taste.
FRITO
Not so fast, cowboy. If the bride’s all dressed in black, that’s gonna be disorienting and should be frowned upon. The bride’s gotta be dressed in white.
MENO makes one final attempt.
XENA
Stop looking at me like that.
Sweeping, epic movie soundtrack music (featuring an Autoharp played backwards).
BLACKOUT.
SCENE 3 – "ARE YOU HERE FOR THE CONVENTION?"
XENA & MENO enter business-like, carrying briefcases. They relate to each other like salespeople on convention and they wear dark, UNTAILORED suits, or suits turned inside-out.
XENA
It is so good to finally meet you.
MENO
I’ve heard a lot about you.
Insert Secret Handshake here.
XENA
All bad, I’m sure. I’ve been meaning to ask... do you know "so and so?"
MENO
In the biblical sense. Actually, she and I went to school together.
XENA
You’re sure we haven’t met? You look so gosh darn familiar. I know I know you.
MENO
Nope.
XENA
"Nope?" See. The way you say "Nope." It’s uncanny.
MENO
I’ve always said it like that. Is there another way?
XENA
Oh my God. We’ve had this discussion. I swear! Don’t you know me? From somewhere? Take a good, long, hard look.
Pause. XENA works the runway like a supermodel in an attempt to jog MENO’s memory. MENO checks her out like an automobile he’s considering buying. He even checks her ankles (tires) for bruises.
MENO
Hm… People do change. Are you here for the convention?
XENA
I think... so.
MENO
Therefore you am... so. You think... therefore you AM!
XENA laughs inappropriately, flirtatiously.
FRITO slinks across the stage, in a purple wig. She has a fax machine strapped to her back and a big word processor in her arms. She wears a hands-free headset.
FRITO
(sliding into the conversation,
obtrusively)
Hey, how’ve you turkeys been doin’?
XENA
I don’t believe we’ve met but you look familiar.
FRITO
Lady, you were in the previous scene, were you not? Or was it just me? That’s what I thought. So how’ve you turkeys been doin’?
FRITO disappears from MENO’s line of sight.
MENO
We’re fine, fine. How are you? Where DID she go?
FRITO returns, just as soon as she left, this time next to XENA.
FRITO
And you must be Xena.
XENA
At your service.
FRITO
I hope this is a good time to talk. Cause I could come back later. I was referred to you through a friend...
XENA
A friend... of mine?
FRITO
Just a friend.
XENA
I see. And this is regarding...
FRITO
I don’t rightly know.
MENO
She doesn’t know. She has no idea. Excuse us.
FRITO
I was returning your call.
XENA
I called you?
FRITO
Oh you’re putting me on. "Per our conversation!" You honestly don’t remember the call?
FRITO’s hurt -- she sobs, with hanky.
XENA
Listen. It’s just that... We’re in a meeting right now. Can I call you back?
FRITO
The nerve of some people. Wait a sec. Do you go online?
XENA
I’m sorry, no.
MENO
Nope. I’ve been meaning to check that out, though.
FRITO
(escorting MENO to an
invisible demonstration
booth)
Well, get with the program, know what I mean? We have an exciting package reserved especially for you.
A cloud of smoke appears as FRITO disappears.
MENO
Well, that was... very... Do you wanna come up to my place for a nightcap? I’m, like... ambidextrous.
Seventies’ porno music.
BLACKOUT.
SCENE 4 – "NIGHTCAP"
XENA and MENO wear "nightcaps" made of paper with black lettering that say "NIGHTCAP."
Or not.
MENO takes notes on a clipboard, while XENA strives for nonchalance.
MENO
Now, ma’am, I just need to ask you a few questions, if you don’t mind, before we get started. First of all, are you a morning person or a night owl?
XENA
Interesting question. Who wants to know?
Without looking up from his notes, MENO raises his hand.
XENA (CONT’D)
I guess I’ve always had trouble getting to sleep, so you could say that I was – that I have...
MENO
Insomnia?
XENA
Yes.
MENO
(raising his hand for
a high five)
Yes!
XENA leaves him hanging.
XENA
I mean, I’m antsy. Or sometimes I get afraid of the dark. But it’s nothing serious. I don’t think it would ever affect you.
MENO
Are you more than a handful?
XENA
I don’t think I understand the question.
MENO
Do you like ginger snaps?
Pause.
XENA
Do you believe in fate?
MENO
The password is... "ginger snaps."
XENA
Are you my soul mate? Are you the one?
MENO
It’s not a difficult question (, mademoiselle).
XENA
(gathering her stuff)
Oh my God. What time is it?
MENO
Relax, miss. We’ve got all night. Would you like some wine?
XENA
That would be nice, actually. Thank you.
MENO
Red, white, or blue?
XENA
White’s nice, please.
MENO
She’ll be serving you from the left.
FRITO suddenly appears on XENA’s left side to serve the wine.
FRITO
Pinot Grigio, mizzz?
XENA
Excuse me? Oh.
FRITO pours wine gracefully/seductively and exits.
XENA drinks this glass of wine in one gulp.
MENO
(babytalk)
You wuz turstee.
XENA
What? Did I do it wrong? Oh my God. I’m just getting over someone. I’m so sorry. Will you ever forgive me?
MENO
(Massaging her.)
Water under the fridge, babe.
XENA
You’re trying to get me drunk. You are. I can tell.
MENO
Maybe. If you’re into that sort of thing.
XENA
Oh my God. What am I doing?
(Suddenly praying.)
Oh God. Forgive me for I have sinned. You are the big unknown, the one who can neither be seen, nor named, nor proven by science. You know what, God? I just realized that YOU are the reason for blasphemy. It’s so obvious. How could they have blasphemy without you? Oh my God. Amen. Men. Oh, that’s very interesting.
MENO
Well, it was super getting to know you, ma’am. We’ll be making our selections in the next couple of days. Thanks a bunch.
MENO holds XENA’s coat for her, like a matador.
XENA
Oh, okay. Well, good night. We’ll call each other?
XENA exits tentatively.
MENO
Prayed... for... me.
A Gregorian Chant plays at a surprisingly high volume.
BLACKOUT.
SCENE 5 – "DIET"
FRITO is stylishly dressed as a fast food item: hot dog, cheeseburger, tv dinner, maybe even a child’s Halloween costume (e.g. Lifesavers), that sort of thing.
We are probably in a laundromat. XENA folds clothes. She’s quite good at it, sorting by color.
FRITO
My son --
XENA
-- You have a son?
FRITO
Yes, I think so.
XENA
Think so?
FRITO
Maybe not.
XENA
What?
FRITO
What?
XENA
It’s amazing. I feel like I can really talk to you. When I’m with you, it’s strange, the conversation just FLOWS.
At that moment, a bunch of "words" fall from the upstage wall, like a waterfall.
FRITO
Words, words, words.
XENA
Your son.
FRITO
My son.
XENA
Yeah. Who’s the father? I don’t mean to be rude. It’s just the words talking. They make me say things. Do you know who the father is?
FRITO
I’m not sure, lady. Put yourself in my shoes, okay? Put yourself in my shoes. I’m a single mother. As opposed to, say -- a double mother. Which could easily happen in this day and age. I think I have a picture in here somewhere. You like laws, "Xena"?
XENA
Well, I do believe the law keeps society in check.
FRITO
I find laws restrictive.
XENA
Well, obviously. That is sort of the point, right? To restrict our behavior. To limit our freedom. You’re very funny, "Freetoe" was it? But they protect us too; wouldn’t you agree? The innocent --
FRITO
-- Stifled.
XENA
Yes, it’s a bit of a paradox, I guess. Is there a particular law that’s rubbing you the wrong way?
FRITO
Nothing that would advance the plot, if that’s what you mean.
(Pause.)
My son --
XENA
--You have a son?
FRITO
I told you this already. You weren’t really paying attention to my words.
XENA
I think you did mention it. I’m sorry. I have a short term memory... THING. I’ll listen more carefully from now on. I promise.
FRITO
No worries. We have made a deal, my son and me. For every pound he loses, I will give him a dollar.
XENA
How much does he weigh?
FRITO
Three hundred pounds, forty ounces.
XENA
How old is he?
FRITO
Three and a half.
XENA
You’re joking.
FRITO
Dead serious.
XENA
What are you feeding him? He’s not even four years old. Three hundred pounds, forty ounces?! How many ounces are in a pound?
FRITO
What do I look like to you, lady?
Pause.
XENA
You’re planning to pay him dollar for every pound he loses? You know, "Frito"... that could get pretty expensive.
FRITO
Well, the contract states that I will make no payments for the first calendar year. There are sufficient penalties for tampering with the measuring device. And for each pound that he gains back during that year, he will owe ME five dollars. You see, I’m not gonna lose, you see. I know exactly what I’m doing.
XENA
What’s your son’s name?
FRITO
Chip.
XENA
That’s a nice name. Is that short for anything?
FRITO
Yes. Chip is short for Chips. By one letter.
A PHONE in FRITO’s handbag rings. FRITO takes the call while XENA looks on, politely intrigued.
FRITO (CONT’D)
Hello? I’m on my way... No, you go ahead and eat. I’ll be home in an hour... Then I’ll call you from the road... Eat without me... I’m tellin’ you I’m not hungry... A sandwich ... Listen, buster, don’t you tell me what to do with what’s mine fair and square! I’m hanging up this phone... Why? Because it’s completely untheatrical. I’m here to talk to the other characters. I see no reason to continue this... This conversation! It’s one-sided! They don’t even know who you are... Are you completely stupid? I am so very sorry.
XENA
It’s okay.
FRITO
It’s the little things in life, you know?
XENA
Ooh, here’s something "weird" and "wacky"... See, I’ve been having this recurring dream that I’m having difficulty running uphill, to such an extent that I’m pulling myself up with my fingernails. And there are these wolves in sheeps’ clothing... I’m at the zoo with these singing sheep who are actually just human female choristers -- Episcopalian –- wearing sheep wigs... I just made that up. I didn’t really have that dream. Just like you don’t really have a three-hundred-pound, four-year-old son named "Chip," right? Right, "Freetoe"? I know that’s not your real name.
FRITO looks like she’s been robbed of her one good, original idea in life.
Of course she has a son.
BLACKOUT.
SCENE 5.5 – "MORNING BEVERAGE"
A steady percolating sound. MENO in a bathrobe with a crazed infomercial look about him.
MENO
I have devised a morning beverage that will revolutionize the way people wake up in the future. It is called "COFFEE™," and I think it will be huge. Currently, many people on this planet believe there is, in fact, something worth waking up to enjoy. We feel a device/drink that would better enable these folks to get started in the morning, while offering a consistent stain delivery method to not just all but some of the teeth, and most importantly, tasting really bad... could mean serious business for us and our partnerships. Due to its addictive properties, my "COFFEE™" invention will soon become a requirement of modern living, whether people really need it, or want it, or not. "COFFEE™" will be a household name that nations will be clamoring for, internationally. Ultimately, I would like to see businesses solely devoted to the sale and proper preparation of my invention, and its support products. We will make special cups and containers to hold the products; in addition to the futuristic prototypical "COFFEE™" "MAKERS™," which will, in essence, make "COFFEE™" in your own home for you, like robots. We are experimenting with hot and cold versions. We think that the hot version is more effective for the morning, because people are a little cold in the morning and want to get warmer. We are researching a chemical process that will systematically extract what we are calling "WAKING UP DRUG™" from the beans of a plant that we find mostly in tropical climates at high altitudes. We think all this work is pretty exciting! Somewhere down the line, we will expand and departmentalize. For instance, it would be nice to divide the product line into categories like "Gourmet!" and "Store-Bought." Our market research indicates that there is a strong demand for a product that would help people wake up in the morning, especially in the Pacific Northwest. We feel that when introduced (February of the year 2002, if all goes well and we get this on the fast track), the demand for our product could reach sky high and could even potentially break the glass ceiling. On a related note, it has come to my attention that there may be a thirst for a morning drink that would in fact NOT wake people up. This beverage alternative could taste just as bad as the coffee concept we were discussing and are going full speed ahead with, but this other thing would not have any kind of... uh... "waker-uppers" in it. This beverage would not give you the shakes (yes, there are side effects to the "COFFEE™" prototype), though it would still stain your teeth and give you bad breath. People would want it exclusively for the burnt taste. Sam, in engineering, suggested we call this neutralized version "DECKIF™." Sometimes, people would want "DECKIF™" in the evening, after dinner, so that they wouldn’t be up all night. Our tests in the field have shown that people want to wake up in the morning, but they don’t always want to be awake late at night. So this "DECKIF™" would help them not be awake at night, though of course it wouldn’t have drugs in it that would intentionally put them to sleep. It doesn’t make sense right now, but I’m sure that this will become the next big thing. After we introduce the first big thing, of course. I guess if we were to make a beverage that actually made you sleepy, we would call it something like "ANTIWAKEY™," which would behave like sleeping pills but would also taste bad and stain your teeth. It might give you the shakes, but then again, it could just as easily go the opposite way and do something like cure authoritis and Parkerson’s (stet). You never know unless you try. Despite the various curative possibilities (and there are few), our advertising department has devised the following marketing approach:
FRITO enters, sips a mug o’ coffee before launching into the pitch.
FRITO
"For the price of keeping a starving Ethiopian kid alive for another day, you can enjoy the flavorful goodness of a hot cup of `COFFEE™.’"
MENO
That was good. Real good. We’ll nail it next time for sure, but that was much better.
BLACKOUT.
SCENE 6 – "POMP & CIRCUMSTANCE"
XENA wears a graduation gown & mortar board.
A kazoo offstage (MENO) plays "Pomp & Circumstance."
XENA cautiously approaches the stand-up comedy spotlight, bombs instantly.
XENA
Is this thing on? How’s everybody doin’ tonight? Where are you from? Yes, but what PART of Cleveland, sir? That’s what I’m trying to find out.
Sound of unwarranted APPLAUSE and LAUGHTER.
FRITO rolls out a piece of red tape that spans the width of the stage. She ties it off.
XENA (CONT’D)
Well, folks, MENO couldn’t be here tonight, but... ah... let ME tell YOU: it’s not who you know, it’s who knows you... No, sir. You must be thinking of my COUSIN. Is it what you know? I... don’t know.
With big scissors, XENA cuts the red tape while FRITO takes a flash photo.
FRITO hands her a megaphone, which she speaks into, like a street preacher.
XENA (CONT’D)
Um... "And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother. And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother." GENESIS 38:9.
FRITO rolls out some astroturf and unties a rope that causes a fake cloud to drop from the sky.
FRITO
The fake dirt and grass is on! Cloud is set. And places for the love scene, please.
BLACKOUT.
Nature sounds.
SCENE 7 – "LOVE SCENE"
Splendor in the grass.
XENA
We have this conversation all the time and it never gets us anywhere.
MENO
We’re fine. It’s okay.
XENA
It’s not even normal.
MENO
Listen to me, Meliss -- Xena. Look at me. I love YOU in every way.
XENA
I’m not worried about that.
MENO
Worried? Why would you -- what could you possibly be "worried" about?
XENA
I’m worried that you don’t know how much I love you.
MENO
Talk to me.
XENA takes this opportunity to bring out her laptop computer. We hear the dial-up sound as she connects to the internet.
Conversation continues as if the computer were not involved, but really it’s a third character in the scene.
XENA
What do you want to talk about?
MENO
I need you. That is my goal in life. To be needed by you.
XENA
Is that healthy?
MENO
It’s why I’m alive.
XENA
I love you.
MENO
I love you.
XENA
Last time we slept together, you kept scratching my ankles. I have scars. That night, I dreamed that your two front teeth fell out. And... nothing.
MENO
Say what you want to say.
XENA
I don’t know.
MENO
You should talk more. It’s good for you.
XENA
Sometimes... I just hope that before I die...
MENO
What?
XENA
Well, it’s a wish. If I tell you what it is, it won’t come true.
MENO
You’re going to die. You only have a couple hours to live. What do you want?
XENA
I guess... I’d just want... more time.
MENO
Time for what?
XENA
Talking. I’d want extra time to talk to you. With you.
MENO
You’re sure about that? With me, really? What would we talk about, you think?
XENA
Anything. Everything.
MENO
Yeah.
XENA
I don’t know. What about you? What would you want?
MENO
I guess I’d want to pack it with as much activity as possible. I’d want to see and hear everything that I’d never seen or heard before... in rapid succession. I’d want to play in a band with my Autoharp, maybe get some baseball gloves and play catch -- just the two of us -- because that’s not really our style; we’re more the stay at home and watch the ceiling type. And I’d put your name in lights, on paper, on all the papers so everyone could know your name and you’d have CLOUT.
XENA
Can’t you just be unsure about something? That drives me out of my mind. Your confidence.
MENO
I’m going to pretend like I didn’t hear that. I’d like, for once, to have all the laundry cleaned, too. As a surprise. To be in an empty room with you and no clutter ... I think you would like that.
XENA
There’s something wrong with me.
BLACKOUT.
SCENE 8 – "THE FUNERAL PROCESSION"
FRITO is DEAD. Her body rests in peace, center stage.
XENA and MENO wear trenchcoats. XENA holds the skeleton of a broken umbrella.
MENO
Well, at least it’s a gorgeous day. Considering.
XENA has a bouquet, and obsesses over the proper arrangement of the flowers over FRITO’s dead body.
XENA
She was so... I feel like she’s looking down on us right now. Do you believe in reincarnation?
MENO
I don’t even know how to spell it. She had a nice body while it lasted. She definitely walked to the beat of a different --
XENA
-- She knew how to make you laugh. She really, really did.
XENA and MENO stare at each other with sad desperation. They can’t seem to look at the dead body of FRITO.
MENO
I feel like I never really got to know her. In life, she was always... dying.
XENA
I guess we all are. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget her.
MENO crosses to XENA for consolation, but XENA punishes him with a bouquet to the gut.
XENA (CONT’D)
That’s a horrible thing to say! How could you say that? What made you say that? What could have possibly possessed you?!
MENO
I’m sorry?
XENA
She was FULL of life. How dare you.
MENO
Look at the sun...
The SUN appears, and as XENA & MENO look at it, like an unexpected magic trick, the circular orange light sharpens into focus to become the profile of a child.
This is FRITO’s little boy, CHIP.
He’s holding a balloon.
XENA
(to the child-shaped
ball of light)
You must be Chip.
(to MENO)
She had a son. Did you know that? Before she went away, she told me about him.
MENO
Oh. Who’s the father... Prometheus?
XENA
Huh? Can you just try not to be clever for once? And when you try, could you at least make sense?
(Pause.)
She never mentioned a father. I didn’t even think she was telling the truth. Oh, that little boy must be so alone now. First he didn’t have a father -- and now he has nobody. I feel so sorry for him.
CHIP, the ball of orange light, gets bigger and bigger.
MENO
Well, I’ll say this much: he is a growing boy. Looks like he’s eating well.
BLACKOUT.
Sound of GUNFIRE and SIRENS.
SCENE 8.5 – "THE KILLER"
MENO’s reading "THERE IS A CURE FOR ARTHRITIS" and maybe picking his nose in a moment of public solitude.
FRITO’s body lays there for a moment, as if still dead.
Suddenly, she SPRINGS TO LIFE.
She seems now to be a patient waking up from a coma, possessed by a delusional need to push the boundaries of space and explore the room, as if staying dead in the previous scene for so long somehow gave her a severe case of cabin fever.
FRITO
Did you hear about those kids and the old people and all the medium-aged people?
MENO
I’m not allowed to watch television.
FRITO
The shooting! All those people got shot. Semi-automatics and pipe bombs, Chinese throwing stars and night vision goggles, bullet proof vests, napalm... this guy was a complete nut job.
MENO
(calmly, putting FRITO
back to bed)
Oh my God.
FRITO
They found the guy. Did you hear? They found the killer. The "suspected" killer. The "alleged" killer. They got him in custody. Luckily, though, nobody was killed.
MENO
How is he a "killer" then, if nobody was killed?
FRITO
The investigation continues, but so far police have identified the "gunman" as 36 year old John Shingles of Reseda, California.
MENO
Was he a "lone gunman" or were there others?
FRITO
I have nothing but praise for the way the officers conducted themselves: the prompt response to the call, the heroism, professionalism, and antics they exhibited...
MENO
I mean, did they say why? What possesses someone to mastermind such a... bloodbath? I don’t watch the news but I talk to people and I’m almost afraid to admit that I’m bored. I’m actually bored by this late-breaking news.
FRITO
Sources have just revealed that the lone gunman, 36-year-old John Shingles, a Southland native, was an inactive member of the Republican party and claimed to have recently broken ties to an extremely volatile but hitherto unheard of Albino supremacist group known as "Think Pink." During interrogation, he reportedly admitted he was inspired to carry out his plan after listening to completely benign music by folk singer John Gorka.
MENO attempts to move her back to bed, but FRITO lets all her weight go. A weird little weight-sharing routine follows.
FRITO (CONT’D)
He cites the brutality of the scripture of the Old Testament as questionable proof that he had, and I quote, "the right idea all along." Singer-songwriter John Gorka could not be reached for comment. When questioned, an unprepared spokesperson for "Think Pink" claimed they had only recently hired a publicist and had just begun to get the word out, so "I’m kind of busy -- we’ll talk later," she said.
MENO
Honey, have you seen the remote?
FRITO sits in MENO’s lap.
FRITO
As the nation mourns in agony, we will continue to bring you up-to-the-minute... updates... as events continue to unfold. Reporting live in the Southland, I’m ace crack early bird gets the worm reporter on the scene, Frito My-name-is-not-important-unless-you-remember-me. We now return to our regularly scheduled PROGRAM.
FRITO, suddenly standing in the front row of the audience, picks up a production program and reads.
FRITO (CONT’D)
They spelled my name wrong. They always spell my name wrong.
MENO lifts her up and carries her back onto stage and places her into bed one last time.
BLACKOUT.
SCENE 9 – "THE WEDDING CEREMONY"
Off to the side, MENO strums the chords of "Here Comes the Bride" on his Autoharp, like a rock star.
XENA enters, wearing a cheap bridal gown, a veil, and all the trimmings.
Finally, FRITO enters, wearing a priest’s outfit. She speaks as fast as possible into a microphone, like a lawyer / auctioneer / Elvis impersonator.
FRITO
Regarding love, and regarding not being a stranger, regarding true love and forever not parting except MORTALLY. For the purposes of this document, YOU -- where "you" is YOU, herein referred to as you...
MENO
We get it.
XENA
Shh!
FRITO
I hereby legally bind this document. The law, of course, will, by nature, be holding accountability for you strangers and familiars in perpetuity... this is a working contract. You could be very happy constantly contacting each other in person -- that is, of course, if you were both up to the deal. As "party-to-the-first-party," I, solely contracted to do your dirty work, am prepared to get down to the business of getting soiled.
MENO
How much is this gonna cost?
XENA
Shush. Groom yourself or something.
MENO fixes his hair and/or wipes some sweat off his brow.
FRITO
As opposed to being merely romantic and impossibly in love, hanging on your every glance, really getting to know each other, justify your love. Perhaps this is perfection, this status of familiarity, this-this-this. Take my advice... please!
Sound of a RIMSHOT.
FRITO (CONT’D)
Listen to each other. At a certain point, the bottom could just as well drop out of this vessel. You may feel you need something else, someone else, something else, someone else. This marriage might just not be enough to get you through the day.
FRITO does the Limbo under the joined hands of the couple.
FRITO (CONT’D)
I make no guarantees. I don’t know. All this was your idea. The fancy dress, the cake, the dumb Autoharp. Hey, don’t shoot the messenger, okay? Maybe you should have gone with the butterflies. Guess it’s too late now, huh? Okay, the vows, please...
FRITO thrusts a microphone into MENO’s face.
MENO
(quite nervous)
Xena, you are my favorite word in the dictionary. You are the best damn company on the market and I’m gonna buy all your stock.
He moves in to kiss her, but FRITO intercepts.
FRITO
What do you think this is, Buster? Did I say you could do that?
XENA
Hold your horses.
FRITO
Xena and Milo...
MENO
You can pronounce it "Mee-no," if you don’t mind, please. It’s "Mee-no."
FRITO
Sorry. My boo boo.
(Pause.)
Xena and Mofo, this is an exciting day. Sooner or later, the two of you will grow from being strangers to familiars. Sometime in the future you may feel the desire to be strangers again. One day, you may even decide that, in fact, today was a mistake. Am I making myself perfectly clear?
FRITO uses the couple to push off into a perfect back flip.
XENA
I’m sorry. I need to be excused.
XENA bolts offstage. MENO and FRITO look to the wings.
From offstage, XENA tosses her bouquet. It falls (impossibly) in slow motion and lands center stage, accompanied by the artificially generated sound of a stone landing in a pond. Of course, MENO could catch it, or the flowers could just hang there in mid-air, or the bouquet could just land somewhere stage leftish, according to gravity and wind chill factor. This is one of those choices you will have to make after, not during, the first reading of the script you are now reading. At any rate, it is up to you. Would you like this bouquet moment to be realistic, anticlimactic, magical, or incredible (unbelievable, impossible, questionable)?
Cows "moo." Sheep go "baa baa." Of course, you probably remember this from kindergarten.
MENO
Where’d she go?
FRITO
I now renounce you, man and woman. You may now miss the bride.
MENO
But... I loved her.
MENO collapses into a sudden, deep depression.
FRITO gracefully escorts him to a pool of light, where he waits like a hooker at four in the morning.
BLACKOUT.
SCENE 9.5 – "POSTAL"
XENA & FRITO form a "line" of postal customers. XENA has a little yellow slip of paper to trade in for a missed package, and FRITO balances several cardboard boxes of various sizes.
Enter MENO, disheveled, carrying a package made of clear plastic. XENA & FRITO look at him curiously.
He bypasses XENA & FRITO, cutting in line.
MENO
Hi. Hello. Hi, there. Okay. Hi. I want. Okay. Doesn’t anybody understand English? Hey! I’m talking to you. Okay. Where is the line...
The "line" looks at him incredulously.
MENO (CONT’D)
Where is the LINE for sending PACKAGES?
XENA & FRITO point to the back of the line.
MENO (CONT’D)
Do I have to wait in that line?
XENA
Yes you do, sir.
MENO
Oh, boy. This is not for me. Isn’t there a special line?
XENA
This is the line, sir.
MENO
Ahh. No. I can’t wait in this line. I’ll leave this here. To save my place.
MENO removes from his pocket a little box wrapped in yellow paper; he slowly places it on the floor, then makes another trip past the "line" holding his head as high as possible.
MENO (CONT’D)
Oh, boy. Is there a chair somewhere? A chair? You know, like a CHAIR. For... to -- sit -- on.
FRITO
You’re a piece of work, Jack.
MENO
You’ll help me. Is this the line for sending packages? I’m sending them. I’m SENDING them. It’s not for me. It’s for somebody else.
(This makes perfect sense to him.)
They want me to mail this. Do you understand? "Mail?"
FRITO
And I thought young people were stupid. I’ve seen better heads on root beer!
Finally, MENO gets serviced by CUSTOMER SERVICE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE (V.O.)
Would you like insurance, sir?
MENO
Oh. Hello. Good to see a familiar face. How are things?
CUSTOMER SERVICE (V.O.)
Things are fine, sir. Any insurance?
MENO
Ahhhhhh, no thanks. It is kind of fragile, though. I wonder.
CUSTOMER SERVICE (V.O.)
Priority or First Class?
MENO
Um...
CUSTOMER SERVICE (V.O.)
$5.40 or $5.50?
MENO
...Which one do you think is the most better?
CUSTOMER SERVICE (V.O.)
Well, would you like for it to arrive in 10 days or tomorrow overnight? You’re talking about the difference of 10 cents, sir.
MENO
Oh... I guess I should go with the cheaper one. Right?
(Pause.)
Ten days isn’t so bad. There’s a lot that could happen in ten days.
XENA
Do they sell guns here?
CUSTOMER SERVICE (V.O.)
Okay, that’s $5.40. Any stamps today?
MENO
Do you know what’s inside this package? I’m just doing this for someone. As a favor. For a friend. You know what a friend is?
CUSTOMER SERVICE (V.O.)
That’s right, sir. It’s a hot one today. Do you need a receipt?
MENO
...Are they free? Sure. I’ll take one.
CUSTOMER SERVICE (V.O.)
You have a good day, sir.
MENO
Um. Yes. Oh. I was thinking to get a stamp, but that’s ... I guess you’re so busy, or I would ask you for a stamp.
CUSTOMER SERVICE (V.O.)
Sir, would you like to purchase a stamp?
MENO
Might as well, right? I’ll try two. Two stamps would be good.
CUSTOMER SERVICE (V.O.)
There you go. Sixty-six cents. You have a nice day, now.
XENA
You make me want to fist myself.
BLACKOUT.
In the darkness, a doo-wop song plays, with the following lyrics:
"Oh, Xena... Girl of my dreams. I spend each moment thinkin’ bout you. Some say that I’ve been wastin’ my time... Others say I’ve been waitin’ line... for you... Oh, Xena..."
SCENE 10 -- "THE REUNION"
XENA in foul weather gear.
MENO in a clear poncho.
XENA
Is that you?
MENO
Well, I’ll be. How have you been?
XENA
Fine, fine.
MENO
I hadn’t heard from you in so long I thought you might have been dead.
XENA
Don’t be silly. I’m fine. I’ve been around.
MENO
Well. I did call the coroner and it took him so long to check, so I did become concerned. You can’t be too sure of anything these days. He said they had a few Jane Does.
XENA
He?
MENO
The coroner. And, well, THAT frightened the hell out of me. Could’ve been you and just – nobody recognized you. But you look great. What have you been up to?
XENA
You know... this and that.
MENO
"This and that." That’s great.
XENA
We should get together sometime and, you know, do something. I recently joined a gym.
MENO
Sure, that would be great.
XENA
We really should. Catch up and everything. Long time... You look like yourself.
MENO
You look with your eyes...
XENA
Oh. Have you talked to what’s-her-name lately?
MENO
Yes.
XENA
What is she up to these days?
MENO
Is it okay if I hug you?
XENA
Sure.
MENO
(moving towards her)
Thank you so much.
They hug, and it’s sweet at first but MENO holds on too long.
XENA breaks it off, gently.
XENA
I don’t think I’m ready for that.
MENO
Sorry.
XENA
It’s okay. Thanks for asking, rather than just trying to assault me.
Long pause.
MENO
Well, it was nice. Seeing you. And awkward too!
XENA
We -- um, call me... if you want.
MENO
I just spend so much of my time trying to make eye contact with strangers. I’m actually doing that pretty much full time now. It’s difficult work. Doesn’t pay very well, but... It would just be so perfect to be recognized by someone, like it used to be. Sometimes I just want to be not invisible – you know, VISIBLE -- you want people to notice you, but they’re thinking about their shopping, or busy looking at only people they know slash recognize, or they’re just looking down at the ground and it’s that simple. I’M BABBLING. I’ll shut up now. I guess all I wanted to say was that I miss you.
XENA
(gently)
I wish I could... I hope you...
MENO
That may take some time... Okay. I feel things are just slightly...
XENA
Unresolved?
MENO
Exactly.
BLACKOUT.
A baby can be heard, faintly crying. As the crying gets louder, a Top 40ish song is played at high speed.
Sound of an offstage toilet flushing.
POSSIBLE ACT BREAK HERE.
SCENE 11 – "I BEFORE YOU, EXCEPT AFTER HER"
FRITO and MENO on opposite sides of the stage, underneath a huge quilt.
Looks like they’ve just had very casual sex.
A laundry pile looms downstage.
FRITO
It sure was nice to go to the bathroom.
MENO
Hear, hear!
FRITO
I heard you were in love.
MENO
Guilty. What are you up to these days?
FRITO
Been working as a security guard.
MENO
Is that dangerous?
FRITO
Pizza cake. Most of the time I just sunbathe.
MENO
Yeah, well, somebody’s gotta do it.
FRITO
It seems like you’re always in love. Don’t you ever rest? Have you lost weight?
MENO
What?
FRITO
You look like you lost some weight since Act One.
MENO
I don’t think so. Thanks, though. You’re very kind.
FRITO
How’s that woman of yours?
MENO
You’re making fun of me.
FRITO
Busted.
MENO
I’m taken. In case you’re serious. I’m already seeing someone. So don’t get any ideas. Know what I’m sayin’?
FRITO
Often here come, you do?
MENO
It’s my eleventh time.
XENA
(popping up out of the
laundry pile)
I got beer at my place.
An awkward decision.
Looks are exchanged.
MENO
Dang dang dang diddle dang dang.
FRITO and MENO strike the quilt and follow XENA.
BLACKOUT.
SCENE 12 – "HOLDING BEERS"
XENA and MENO hold beers.
MENO
Can’t you just forget the past and move on?
XENA
What is it with you? I don’t get you.
MENO
I’m not the one holding a grudge.
XENA
Did you hear that?
MENO
…No.
XENA
It sounded like a heartbeat.
MENO
Rubber baby buggy bumpers.
XENA
This is no time…
MENO
You know you’re beautiful.
FRITO
(appearing in a winged
fairy costume)
Greetings.
XENA
What’s that supposed to mean?
MENO
I mean what I said. You’re really, really beautiful. Your skin, your hair. It’s simple. And you have great grey-green, greasy Limpopo River eyes.
(Pause.)
Kipling.
XENA
Your eyes are brown.
MENO
If you look closely, you’re in there.
FRITO does annoying, mostly silent, things.
XENA
(at first to FRITO)
Do I…
(then to MENO)
…know you people?
MENO
(to XENA)
...beautiful... the long chin...
(to FRITO)
Is there something wrong?!
(to XENA)
Hey, there’s supposed to be some light rain tonight. I hope you brought your umbrella.
(to FRITO)
Excuse me!
Without words, FRITO challenges MENO to an absurd duel of gestures.
The duel happens.
FRITO wins.
FRITO
You’ve got something in your teeth. Yes!
XENA
Who do you think you are?
MENO
I’m sorry. This is my first day. Would you like to speak with the manager?
Pause.
XENA
(suddenly audience-conscious)
Huh? Look, I don’t know what game this is, but I don’t know this routine. I must have been out sick when you guys rehearsed this scene. You keep going. I’ll just improvise.
MENO
So I heard you were in love.
XENA
That’s not your line. Is that really your line?
The actors playing XENA & MENO stare at each other, then break character and suddenly crack up LAUGHING.
MENO
I have this theory that the crazy people – the multiple personalitied, the schizophrenics, all the sputterers with Tibet’s -- Tourette’s syndrome... they’re all just actors running their lines.
They laugh some more. Genuine, infectious laughter that doesn’t seem to know any bounds.
BLACKOUT.
SCENE 13A – MONOLOGUE A "MAGICAL DOVES"
Perhaps FRITO is in a sequined jacket and a top hat, with a deck of cards and a wand.
FRITO
I have a -- HAD a friend. She was a magician’s assistant in Vegas. Her stage-name: Fran the Excellent. I’m telling you, she could produce doves out of thin air. If you believe in magic, that is. She couldn’t tell me much –- a magician never gives away her secrets -- but she had some stories, let me tell you. Anecdotes. Beginnings, middles, even ends... Of course they don’t actually appear out of thin air, these birds. They’re hidden. In coat sleeves, boxes, hats, pant legs... you name it. One time, I went to see her act and she was up there onstage in front of a mostly empty room of drunk gamblers -- all of them looking for a break from the action -- and so Fran goes to produce a dove out of thin air -- so as to astonish us -- and Abracadabra, the dove did in fact appear out of the secret hiding place, from her sleeve. But ladies and gentlemen, the dove was stone dead. Hiding there in the darkness, waiting for its cue in the deep recesses of her tuxedo for so long that it just stopped being alive. It’s all very upsetting, because if there’s one thing magical doves are good at, it’s hiding and flying.
MENO
(entering, perhaps in
FRITO’s fairy outfit)
That’s two things.
FRITO waves her magic hands and makes MENO disappear into a cloud of smoke.
BLACKOUT.
SCENE 13B – MONOLOGUE B "APARTMENT LIFE"
A gentle rain. Bluish, gloomy light.
XENA
Apartment life is by nature unpeaceful. Someone’s always doing something according to a routine. Some sort of randomly selected personal regimen. You usually can’t see them, but you know they’re there. Got an air purifier recently, but it does nothing for the noise pollution. It is never silent. You can hear them stirring an egg at three o’clock in the damn morning, or smell their cigarette exhaust as it creeps up through your floor. This crazy soup – that’s the best I can describe it – it’s this crazy soup of voices from the television, thirty different channels at the same damn time. And the sirens... ambulance, fire, police... they’re always either coming towards or away from you. All you want to do is read in bed. And you wonder if the crazy lady across the alley is a voyeur, but then you realize you are the one who knows she is ironing and watching soap operas. She’s not even looking up.
BLACKOUT.
SCENE 14 – MONOLOGUE C "I WANT TO HELP PEOPLE"
MENO does a little stretching and warming up for the monologue, then gets serious and delivers his big speech.
MENO
I want to help people.
Hold for a moment.
Then…
BLACKOUT.
SCENE 15 – "THE PUBLIC COUPLE"
XENA
I’m telling you. It’s the wheat. You need to stop drinking that poison. You need to take responsibility. Be a man. It’s not as if you can’t do anything. You just refuse to face the music. It’s got to be the wheat or the hops; I’m sure of it.
MENO has a rash. XENA prevents him from scratching.
MENO
(to audience)
She thinks I’m allergic to beer, which may cause me to break out and have gas, as well as bile in my throat. But it doesn’t happen every time.
MENO explores his gas and bile. Inappropriate digestive sounds emanate from him.
XENA
You need to make an appointment. Okay, go ahead and think what you want.
MENO
Thank you; I will.
BLACKOUT.
SCENE 16 – "PHOTOGENETIC"
FRITO has a camera around her neck. Maybe it’s made of paper… or meat.
Ultra-hip photo session music plays on an onstage jambox.
FRITO
You’re so photo-gen-e-tic.
(She snaps a picture. Flash.)
Are you a cop? I mean, are you a model?
XENA
Thanks, no. You mean photogenic.
Flash.
FRITO
Do you work out?
Flash.
XENA
Can I ask you something? I’ve never understood this fascination with DATING. Strangers rubbing up against each other with very little knowledge of the other. Not that it’s disgusting; it’s just silly. Too much planning. For me, the key has always been friendship. Then suddenly, you’re more than friends and you say, "this is interesting." You’re flirting, you’re flirting, you’re flirting, and then before you know it... I mean, what is so mysterious? It seems perfectly clear to me. What could people possibly be afraid of?
FRITO
What if I told you... that I used to wear a FANNY PACK. For a long time, I used to keep two wallets on me at all times. I was afraid I would be mugged. One was a dummy wallet, loaded specially for my mugger, with three dollars in cash and some old cards and expired coupons in it. I was like – here ya go... take it, assface! Now, the other wallet had hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash. And my library card.
XENA
You sure showed them.
FRITO
Damn straight. I use a money clip now.
BLACKOUT.
SCENE 17 – "ANTAGONIST"
MENO concentrates on an endeavor that is important only to him. For instance, scrawling out his innermost thoughts in miniature on the walls, in chalk.
FRITO arrives just in time to create conflict for "our guy."
MENO
Why must you continue to antagonize me?
FRITO
Because you’re the protagonist.
MENO
No I am not.
FRITO
Are too.
MENO
Am not.
FRITO
Are too.
MENO
Am not.
FRITO
Am not.
MENO
Are too.
Pause.
Note to actor playing MENO: It is very tempting, but please do not imitate Homer Simpson here. Of course, there should be some sort of a vocalization that inevitably suggests without plagiarizing the following sayings: "Doh!" or "Ow, quit it!" But we want to stay in a timeless, non-topical world, for the most part. Keep up the good work. You’re doing a wonderful job. The reviews will speak highly of you. Don’t worry. Check your zipper. Now breathe. Difficult, isn’t it? You might have cancer. Maybe it’s just pollution, though. You never know. What is up with your respiratory system? It’s as if your alveoli are filled with gum or something.
MENO (CONT’D)
I’m finding it difficult to breathe. It’s supposed to be automatic, involuntary -- but right now I’m having to actually dictate to my lungs what they should be doing. I’m not asking much. I just want to be aware -- for a single dramatic moment -- of the simple fact that I am alive.
FRITO
We need more parks. We need more parking. We need a place to park our cars and we need to go outdoors. Do you have parking?
MENO
What do I look like to you?
FRITO
Normal.
MENO
Really? No, I mean, like if you didn’t know me.
FRITO
I don’t.
MENO
Don’t you want to be fascinating?
But come on, now. FRITO is fascinating.
She doesn’t require desperate measures.
Unlike some people.
FRITO
Have you considered dying your hair, dressing flamboyantly, getting something pierced?
MENO
Does that work? I mean, all I want is for people to notice, look a little more carefully, maybe ask me some questions.
FRITO
Do you have any tattoos? Noticeable scars?
MENO
I’m not asking for RESPECT, or to be liked here! Am I just NORMAL? Is that the deal?
FRITO
Do you want me to lie?
MENO
No. Be honest.
FRITO
Sure-I-am-you-do-I-are.
MENO
No you don’t. Aren’t I?
FRITO
What do you want from me?
MENO
I don’t know. Asian people won’t look at me, and they have excellent peripheral vision. But I don’t know... I don’t even know what I just said.
XENA enters.
XENA
Some retarded slur about Asians.
MENO
I don’t want to think anymore. Don’t say "retarded." What will it be like when I’m old?
MENO holds his palm out for a reading.
XENA
What difference does it make? Concentrate on now. I meant "slow," by the way.
FRITO
(scrutinizing MENO’s lifeline
and loveline)
...You’re screwed.
MENO
Face it. We will always live beyond our means.
BLACKOUT.
SCENE 18 – "UPDATE"
XENA & MENO (together) approach FRITO, who is in the middle of a very independent activity of her own choosing: yoga, for instance.
XENA
Hey! There you are. So. Hey, we’re on the Internet now.
FRITO
So?
XENA
We thought you’d be impressed. Hey, do you want my e-mail address?
FRITO
I don’t do that anymore.
BLACKOUT.
SCENE 19 – "BIG DANCE NUMBER"
Lots and lots of fancy dancing.
Consult a choreographer.
SCENE 20 – "JUST FORGET IT"
This scene enjoys being played over-acted, in the style of a soap opera.
MENO
Why didn’t you ever say anything?
FRITO
I thought you knew. It was so obvious.
MENO
All this time? You’re joking.
FRITO
It’s over. But do what you must.
XENA enters diva-style, with cigarette holder, feather boa, martini, whatnot.
XENA
What are you talking about?
FRITO and MENO ignore XENA.
MENO
I’m sorry.
FRITO
For what? For what.
MENO
I don’t know; but really, I am. I am so very sorry. I don’t mean anything by it.
FRITO
I know. That is so glaringly obvious. Men.
XENA
(jumping on the bandwagon)
Tell me about it.
MENO
What do you mean, "Men?" I’m not "Men." I’m just one! Don’t go lumping me together with them! I’m different! I’m not even like "Men."
FRITO
You are now.
XENA
Yeah. Talk to my hand.
MENO
What did I do?!
FRITO
It’s what you did NOT do. Put yourself in my shoes. For once.
MENO
Okay.
They exchange shoes.
XENA leaves.
MENO (CONT’D)
These are a little tight.
FRITO
They’ll probably stretch out to fit your foot. They’re not broken in yet. You should walk around in them.
Meno walks around in Frito’s platform or high-heeled shoes.
MENO
(checking them out in
a mirror mirror on the
wall)
Do you have these in black?
FRITO
Typical.
MENO
How is that typical?
FRITO
"Do you have them in black." Take them off. Now.
MENO
They’re stuck. And I LIKE them.
XENA
(offstage)
Frito! Dinner’s ready!
FRITO
I have to go. Your life is joyless.
MENO
But I’m almost there. I’ve just got to save enough money somehow to get happy. Then I’ll get things done.
FRITO
Can I have my shoe back, please?
MENO
I’d like to do something slow for a change, you know, and savor... the... moment.
FRITO
Just do me a favor and stop messing with the rituals, okay amigo? And remember: Ignorance is not bliss, because think about it -- if you ignore someone long enough, they crumble from neglect. Never forget that what seems to matter doesn’t. And vice versa: that which seems extra is vital.
MENO
(giving the shoe back,
reluctantly)
Well... Here’s your... I’ll just ...
FRITO
Yeah. You just keep on truckin’, pal.
FRITO leaves with MENO’s shoes before he can realize he’s barefoot.
SCENE 21 – "WORK"
MENO
Do you like working here?
XENA
Love it.
MENO
I killed three ants today. And I felt nothing. I don’t mind having a job. As long as there’s coffee I can spill on my workstation...
XENA
That’s nice. I have this image of this person who’s so frustrated about work that his coffee keeps spilling accidentally, over and over, until finally, he just decides he’ll spill it all over his desk intentionally.
MENO
That person is me.
XENA
Yeah, COFFEE™. I heard about that. I’ll have to try that sometime. It sounds fresh. Where do you get that?
MENO
(deeply concerned about
the future of the universe)
Anywhere.
XENA
I’m proud of you, Chuck... for taking control. Can't have that kind of rebellious attitude on the desk. Next thing you know, pens would be exploding, grease stains’ll work through the floors and ceilings, unswept crumbs will suffocate us, and trashcans will asphyxiate us with their toxic stench. Just can't have it.
MENO
Well, someone’s got to domesticate the inanimate... I remember my mother used to say "You're a full-time student. That's your job." She can't say that anymore. Now all she can say is "I think you told your father but you didn't tell me. Now you have to tell me all over again. He doesn't remember. Are you kidding? He never tells me anything..."
BLACKOUT.
SCENE 22 – "THE NUGE"
XENA, MENO, & FRITO sit in a semi-circle. Their chairs do not match in style, color, or period.
DIRECTOR’S NOTE: you could tie the characters up with rope. That’s very Beckettsian.
DIRECTOR’S NOTE #2: Author’s permission to cut this scene in the interest of running time. Some audiences absolutely love this scene and declare it their favorite. Others think they hate the whole play because of this particular scene’s proximity to the end and its jarring topicality after so much abstraction. Plus, this scene has "language."
XENA
What do you know about Ted Nugent?
MENO
Well, I know he has appeared on POLITICALLY INCORRECT WITH BILL MAHER. He was on The Conan O’Brien show once too. In one of those orange camouflage hunting outfits, in the woods, with a rifle, chasing after Conan, hunting the talk show host as if he were a deer. When he was on P.I., he was sitting next to Charleton Heston. They were like lovers, finishing each other’s sentences... Is Charleton Heston also Hugh Hefner? They look the same. I think one of Chevy Chase's FLETCH aliases was "TED NUGENT." I think it was when he was roller skating on the beach, in a robe. I'm not familiar with his music. He hunts with a crossbow and is not a vegetarian at all. He is a dangerous crazy man. Oh. As a matter of fact, I read something a while back in Harper's. It was a letter from Ted Nugent to Canada -- the country -- saying he would never go back there and that for many reasons Canada is a terrible, boycottable place. I liked that letter even though I liked Canada when I visited. Maybe "The Nuge" didn’t like how peaceful they were. I don't think I would get along with Mr. Nugent, because he seems to do well with nature and killing, and because he seems very argumentative and opinionated. I don't tend to enjoy people like that. I’m more of an indoors type. I have never met Ted Nugent. Everything I know about him I learned from television or a magazine article. What do you know about Ted Nugent?
XENA
He lives in rural Michigan. I think he's a self-aggrandizing prick. I've never met him. But I think he's a self-aggrandizing prick. Somehow, I allowed myself to stay up until 3 last night watching the VH1 Behind the Music special on him. Boy, does he think he's the shit. I think he's a self-aggrandizing prick. I don't want to meet Ted Nugent. Good for him that he thinks he's right all the time and that everyone else is an asshole. Good for him for standing up for what he believes in. But I think he's a self-aggrandizing prick. Ted Nugent on Feminists: "They're fat dykes who can't get any." Ted Nugent on Gays: "Look, if someone wants to go swan diving in peanut butter stew, that's their business. But don't splash any peanut butter stew on me." Ted Nugent on Guns: "There's something in the Constitution called the Second Amendment. The right to bear arms and protect yourself. Next?" If he ever runs for any legitimate political office and wins, remind me to shoot myself in the fucking face. I don't know The Nuge. Sweaty Teddy. Ted Nasty. But I think he's a self-aggrandizing prick.
FRITO
Man. He called off that Canadian boycott ages ago. What’s your damage? The Motor City Madman – he was, in fact, attempting to organize a U.S. boycott of tourism north of the border, but that was because Ontario decided to put a ban on its annual spring bear hunt, which, it claimed, resulted in a surplus of orphaned cubs. But that was an entire year ago, man. "The moratorium worked in that it helped get hunters across Canada concerned about what governments are doing," Nugent told reporters on Tuesday. He added, "I'm glad to support outdoor groups and lift the ban."
XENA
That’s interesting, because the way I heard it, Mr. Nugent said the ban only helped "the touchy-feely fantasy of a bunch of people who would ban you and I from ever wearing leather or having a steak." "You want to have the bears run rampant? Then you go ahead and figure out how to get them out of people's Dumpsters and people's backyards," he said. And I quote: " ...you explain to the lady why Fifi just got gobbled up by an overpopulation of black bears."
FRITO
Lady, you ever listen to the lyrics of "Stranglehold?" It’s just incredible that someone wrote those words. Also "Wango Tango," "Cat Scratch Fever," and "Great White Buffalo." That’s a really good one. Really fun. Indian redemption. Worth checking out. Thoughtful of Ted. The Amboy Dukes, his original band – they had one hit that was called "Journey to the Center of Your Mind." Now Ted is decidedly not a trippy guy. He’s a reality-based guy. Yes, he did used to swing on stage... like Tarzan... with a vine, in a loincloth. He didn’t use drugs. Hated drugs. Always has. Instead, was a sex addict. Sex with a lot of women. Has lots of children. Through bad management, he lost everything. Very broke, for a rock star.
MENO
That’s why he became a hunter.
FRITO
Exactly. Ted’s gotta eat. Also has his own line of beef jerky now.
XENA
What’s that called?
FRITO
You know what, I’m not sure. I’ll bet you can find their website by doing a search on "Ted Tugent" and "Jerky."
XENA
How so very appropriate.
BLACKOUT.
SCENE 23 – "THE PICK-UP"
Imagine this scene in a museum.
MENO
You know what Shakespeare’s favorite word was?
(Pause.)
Time.
FRITO
I’ve been thinking a lot about ponytails lately. You know why they call ‘em that? (Pause.) Because they actually look like the tail of a pony.
MENO
What’s your phone number?
FRITO
Guess.
MENO
Guess?
FRITO
Yeah. Randomly select seven digits, and if you get them all right I’ll go to bed with you.
MENO
556-0296?
He got it right.
FRITO doubletakes.
BLACKOUT.
SCENE 24 – "RINSE AND REPEAT"
XENA
How do you do it?
Pause.
FRITO
I found myself at 450 pounds and I really didn’t like myself. I tried pills, shakes, and other diets but they just simply didn’t work. My family knows how much I’ve struggled to lose the weight, and I’m so glad I’m using the product now. Now I have something beautiful to look at in the mirror. And I can use it as a diet suppressor! Or a deodorant! So I eat better, and I smell better!
BLACKOUT.
SCENE 25 – "STRANGERS TO FAMILIARS" (a.k.a. "I.N.S.")
Over the course of this scene, MENO and XENA, who behave as if they have never met before in their lives, will click. Furthermore, they will gel.
So, to sum up, they will click and they will gel.
MENO
(knocking)
Ma’am?
XENA
Just a minute!!!
MENO
(showing badge)
I.N.S., Special Agent. Mind if I ask you a few questions?
XENA
Not a lot. Come in. Not AT ALL. Can I get you some water?
MENO
I’m good, thanks. Did you know of a woman named "FRITO" who lived in this building?
(showing her a photograph)
Here we go. Her. Do you recognize her?
XENA
That’s her alright. You just missed her. She wasn’t here very long. She was on her way back home. Tibet. She was homesick. She had been on this amazing diet. She lost three hundred dollars in two months on this diet. That’s what she said. She was a little "out there."
MENO
I see. Aren’t we all. Have YOU been here long, living here?
XENA
Long enough, I guess.
MENO
And you like it here?
XENA
So far? It’s a bit lonely, actually. No offense. Maybe if they’d fix the laundry facilities... I’ve got nothing to wear tonight. I’d love go out and celebrate... perhaps PARTY. Oh God. That sounded really, really lame... Where are you from?
MENO
Well, I grew up -- was raised, whatnot -- in the Pacific Northwest.
(points upstage left)
I was BORN... elsewhere.
XENA
Well I’m just gonna have to let strange men into my apartment more often. I stole this. Just took it off the rack and kept on going. See? I could never be this honest with someone who... no, you go ahead.
MENO
...It’s just that my father used to say, "It doesn’t matter what you actually do in life, as long as you share it with someone you love."
XENA
You’re not like most men, are you. Oh, were you done?
MENO
Just a few more questions they make me ask.
FRITO appears, brushing her teeth.
XENA
Frito. You were asking about Frito. You were looking for her?
MENO
(to FRITO)
Hi, there. Excuse us. We’re in the middle of –
(to XENA)
Do you need to talk to her? I can wait.
XENA
I don’t need to talk to her. I see her all the time.
Unseen by MENO, FRITO silently chews XENA out for almost blowing her cover.
XENA retaliates, "signing" that she shouldn’t have been so obvious about it if she was actually trying to hide.
FRITO re-hides.
XENA (CONT’D)
I am so very sorry about that.
MENO
Not a lot. Not AT ALL. Have you ever seen this man?
XENA
No. That’s a cute little picture, though. It looks like a passport photo. Same size, and it’s square.
MENO
It is a passport photo, ma’am.
XENA
That’s what they use them for! When you send them copies! No, I’ve never seen that man before in my life.
MENO
Hm. Interesting that you could know HER without knowing HIM. See, our friend "FRITO" applied for a Green Card with this little guy, as a MARRIED couple. Now to your knowledge, is this woman married to this man? They weren’t living together here, were they?
XENA
I don’t think so. She never mentioned a husband. I mean, I guess they could have been. When she was moving out, she had some friends helping her, and there was a man. I can’t remember. He could have been here, helping her out. They could have been married but living in separate houses together. I think she prefers women. She does have a son.
MENO
Do you believe in fate?
XENA
I don’t even know how to spell it. Are you more than a handful? You like working from home? From MY home?
MENO
I won’t keep you. I wouldn’t MIND keeping you... What was your name again?
XENA
Xena.
MENO
Like the warrior princess?
XENA
You know you’re the first person to say that, ever?
MENO
Thanks. It just kind of came to me.
XENA
You know what I always say.
MENO
Uh huh.
XENA
Never underestimate the debilitating power of sarcasm. So what happens now? What do you do with all these answers?
MENO
I go file a report. Well.
(shaking her hand professionally,
but holding on a bit too long)
"Thanks for your time, ma’am. Have a nice day."
(Pause as they make quality
eye contact)
Are you hungry? Do you wanna grab a bite? Maybe check out a movie?
XENA
You asking me out?
MENO
I think so. I feel oddly inspired. I know this place that has the most amazing salads.
XENA & MENO start to actually connect, like lovers, for the first time ever.
FRITO enters with a frost-covered jar of butterflies.
FRITO
And who ordered the frozen butterflies?
XENA & MENO react.
FRITO exits, throws the jar into the air.
MENO catches it.
He tries to open it.
XENA takes it from him and opens jar.
The SMELL of pickle juice.
Or not.
XENA & MENO look deep into his/her eyes, respectively.
XENA
Hello...
MENO
Hi there...
FRITO
(for us)
This is a setup.
FRITO sprints across the stage with a suitcase.
LIGHTS FADE.
THE END