| A Product of the Warped, Fragile Little Mind of Robert “Doctor” LaHue The Critters A Parody of The Creatures by Michael Fitzpatrick Springtime. A time of year that always brings calmness, tranquility, and relaxation. But those things always came out the most in one place: the dense forests along the shore of Lake Watchalahoohoo. At least, this is what Rudolph Jones thought. Rudolph was a self-made millionaire in the energy business; Rudolph’s Happy Hour Isle Nuclear Power Company was raking in loads of money. It’s nuclear plant was the most successful in the country, generating a high electrical output with only a few five-legged frogs, two-headed pike, and a slight increase in the cancer rate nearby. Whenever he got the chance, Rudolph loved to head to his cabin on the shores of Lake Watchalahoohoo. He loved the quiet. The peacefulness. The non-interruption from other human beings…knock knock knock. “Who’s there?” “Kung Pao Moon, with the cat…er, pork fried rice.” Rudolph opened the door, paid the cost (plus 10% tip), and closed the door. After thoroughly enjoying the meal (besides having to cough up that furball), Rudolph sat on the porch, enjoying the serenity of the unspoiled wilderness. He took out a small wooden paddle. He was soon hitting with the paddle a small rubber ball, connected to the paddle with a rubber band. Whap snap whap snap whap snap whap snap whap snap. He looked out at the lake, clear and pristine. Whap snap whap snap whap snap. He looked at the sky. The setting sun made the whole sky seem alive with color. Whap snap whap snap whap snap. He saw an old, dead tree, where three chipmunks were getting materials for a winter shelter. Whap snap whap snap whap snap whap SNAP! The rubber band broke, and the ball went flying through the air. It nailed the dead tree, then bounced along the ground and rolled to a stop. “Darn it,” said Rudolph, “I hate it when that happens.” As he stood up to retrieve the ball, he heard a large creaking noise. Looking in the direction of the sound, he saw the dead tree begin to lean towards the ground. It started falling faster, and faster, and faster, until finally…CRASH! The tree was down for the count. Rudolph just stood there, looking at the tree. He then uttered the words that ultimately summed up his thoughts. “Darn, don’t make ‘em like they used to.” He walked off the porch, went over to where the ball was laying, and picked it up. As he did, he though he heard some noises. Something like chit chit chit. And it didn’t sound happy. It almost sounded like a squirrel. Or, maybe, a chipmunk. The following day, after a bacon and eggs breakfast, Rudolph strolled down to the lakeshore. He stared into the deep water. The thing about Lake Watchalahoohoo is, that as soon as you hit water, the lake is no less than 10 feet deep. Anywhere. Not being a strong swimmer (in fact, he was the first person over twenty that required a water rescue in the local kiddie pool), he was satisfied to walking along the shore. He picked up a rock, and chucked it towards the lake. It hit the water, sinking like only a rock can, making a “sploosh” noise as it hit the water. The sploosh sound hit Rudolph’s left ear and echoed, echoed, echoed until it exited out his right ear. But, while it was in there, it gave him a fascinating idea, reminding him of something he used to do as a child. He quickly scanned the shore, trying to find the largest rock around to chunk in the lake. He found it, embedded in the side of a bank. Nearby were three chipmunks, taking acorns from the ground, and dropping them in a small hole, undoubtedly storing them for winter. Rudolph dug his nails into the dirt, gripping the rock on both sides. As he lifted the rock out of the ground, it proved to be much bigger than he anticipated. When he finally got the rock free, there was, in its wake, a large hole in the side of the bank. Rudolph stretched his arms back and twisted his body, preparing to launch the boulder into the deep, dark water beyond him. About that time, though, he heard a “plop” sound. It was a acorn that had rolled out of the hole the rock had left. Then, much like snow, an avalanche of acorns poured out of the hole, and sunk into the depths of Lake Watchalahoohoo. Rudolph looked at the lake, then at the hole, then at the large rock he was still holding. “Well,” he said, staring up at an odd-looking cloud in the deep blue sky. “That totally destroys the excitement of throwing this in.” He then tossed the rock to the ground, and started to head back for the cabin. As he walked the path, he heard some noises. Something like chit chit chit. It didn’t sound happy. It almost sounded like a squirrel. Or, maybe, a chipmunk. * * * * * * * * * * * continue |