From lauracap@erols.com Mon Dec 02 02:01:59 1996
Disclaimer: Almost all of these characters belong to 1013 Productions
and FOX. Santa Claus belongs to, oh I don't know, Macy's? There is no
intent to infringe or profit, at least on my part. Hopefully, the
characters will be returned to their owners unscathed but I'm making no
promises.
Classification: H
Rating: PG13
Summary: Series of letters from our X-Files faves to Santa Claus.
DEAR SANTA
by Laura Capozzola
DEAR SANTA:
I really feel strange about writing this letter to you. I'd much rather
come down to the mall, sit on your lap and tell you what I want for
Christmas but there's this UST thing I'm trying to shake which brings me
to my first holiday request. I need to get lucky, Santa, and it has got
to take longer than 3 minutes. I just started to shed that Spooky
moniker and now they're calling me Quick Draw. It's so humiliating that
sometimes I just break down and cry.
Scully is starting to get on my nerves, too. Lately, she wants to
drive the car all of the time and she gets mad if I don't put the seat
up for her when I get out. And, every time she opens her mouth it's
Agent Pendrell said this, Agent Pendrell said that. Pendrell, Pendrell
Pendrell - it's all I ever hear. Like HE has all of the answers. I
liked it a lot better when she hung on my every word. Can you fix this
for me Santa?
Happy Holidays!
Fox William Mulder
P.S. I'll put a big "S" in my window, next to the menorah, so you can
find my house.
DEAR SANTA (IF THAT'S YOUR REAL NAME):
You know, of course, that I don't believe in you. It's a scientific
fact that reindeers can't fly and even allowing for time differences you
could never deliver all of those presents around the world in one night.
I won't even get into the chimney improbabilities.
But just in case Mulder is right, and you do exist, can I have that
frilly little lace see-through dress and those white satin heels to wear
to the FBI office Christmas party? And when I stand under the mistletoe
I would like to be kissed by...hmm. Let's see, I ‘ve already been
kissed by Pendrell in the cafeteria, in Mulder's apartment when he was
away, on the desk in my office, in the emergency stairwell, in the lab,
in the skeleton closet, in the backseat of the car while Mulder was
driving, on top of the photocopy machine that night Pendrell and I
worked overtime, in the freight elevator.... Then, there was that lapse
in judgement with Skinner, Fred in Accounting, Big George the janitor,
Sam in the Anti-Terrorism Unit, Pete in Fingerprinting, Bob in Finance,
Joe in the Travel Office, Rick in Organized Crime, well actually Rick,
Steve, Mike and Kyle in Organized Crime, Frank in Fraud...I guess that
only leaves Mulder and well, you know. Do the best you can, Santa.
With Dreams of Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire,
Dana Catherine Scully
DEAR SANTA:
Skinner here. That's Skinner the FBI Assistant Director not Skinner,
the principal at Bart Simpson's school. You want to know what I would
like to have for Christmas? I would like to have a clue. Just once I
would like to know what Agents Mulder and Scully are up to before the
shit hits the fan and I have to testify before some Congressional
Committee or get blasted by the Director. Oh yeah, one more thing.
Can you bring me one of those smokeless ashtrays for my office?
Deck The Halls and Krycek, Too!
Walter Sergei Skinner, A.D.
COMRADE SANTA:
Please make Mulder stop looking at me like THAT. Oh yeah, and did I
tell you I've been a good boy and never lie?
May The Peace and Joy of the Season Be With You Always,
Alex "I Love This Country" Krycek
HI SANTA:
I know you're busy working on my gifts but I just wanted to send you
this photo of me with my new haircut so you don't bring my presents to
the wrong guy.
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!
Fox William Mulder
DEAR SANTA:
Please bring me Agent Scully...in a silk teddy. Make her want me,
Santa.
Oh, The Mistletoe!
Agent Pendrell
DEAR SANTA:
If you get a letter from a guy named Pendrell, don't pay any attention
to it. He's just one of my friends goofing around.
Cheers!
Frohicke
HEY SANTA:
You don't know me. I've never written to you before but this is
important. I need a surgical collar made of steel, you know, something
that can't be penetrated by ice picks. I'm kind of on the large side
and have a big neck so don't bring me anything dainty. Oh and you know
that piss ant, in-your-face Fox Mulder? Keep him away from me. I think
he wants me.
Peace on Earth and Elsewhere!
Big Alien Guy
DEAR SANTA:
It's me again...Fox. I forgot about the leather jacket. If you can't
get it off Krycek you can bring me Krycek and the leather jacket. I
could also use some hankies. Oh, and please don't forget those new red
Speedos, one size fits all.
Season's Greetings!
Fox William Mulder
DEAR SANTA:
I suppose you've already glanced at the signature and plan to toss this
into your circular file without reading it. I don't like rejection so
that would be a mistake. A very big mistake. After all, I've watched
Presidents die. I'm on to you Claus. If people were to know the things
I know, this whole commercial Christmas thing would fall apart. Ever
wonder what it would be like to die in a sled crash or of botulism?
Even a heart attack isn't uncommon for a man your age.
So, this is what I want for Christmas. I hope you're paying attention.
First, I want a best seller novel so I can take Mrs. Mulder waterskiing
in the Carribean without that pain-in-the-ass, anal retentive kid of
hers getting in the way...if you know what I mean. And, I want my short
story to get a Spooky Award in the Action Adventure category. You know
how it is with men in my position. I like the prestige. As a friend, I
think I should advise you that it would be in your best interest to see
that I get what I want.
Merry Christmas!
CSM
DEAR MR. CLAUS:
If you don't find me an Easy Bake Oven and Tea Set, your days are
numbered. If it wasn't for those ineffectual assassins of my associate
in Washington, you wouldn't have made it this far. Don't think that you
can escape my wrath by hiding out at the North Pole. May I remind you
that anyone can be gotten to. Certainly, you've no doubt of that. The
choice is yours.
With All Good Wishes In This Joyous Holiday Season!
WMM
MY DEAREST SANTA:
I enjoyed your visit last Christmas Eve. Those three minutes were, how
can I say it...exhilarating. I still wear the pretty white robe you
brought me when I have "special" company. You know I believe in what
you do. I have just one teensy favor to ask. I WANT Fox Mulder. If I
can't have him, I'll take that dark haired guy that was handcuffed to
the steering wheel of his car. I know you'll do it for me, Santa. You
always do.
May Your Holiday Be Filled With Smouldering Looks and Breathless
Greetings!
Marita
DEAR SANTA:
It's your buddy Fox, again. I've been mulling it over and I think I
should get Scully something special for Christmas...something that is
indicative of that special relationship that we share. If you don't
come up with an idea for me I was thinking of getting her some of those
extra long lasting batteries for those big old flashlights that we
always use. Don't you think she would really like that?
Do You See What I See?
Fox William Mulder
DEAR FOX:
I don't usually write back, being the busy man that I am, but in your
case I'm going to make an exception. I'll get right to the point and
keep it short. YOU HAVE NOT BEEN A GOOD BOY. Try again next year.
Santa
(
geocities.com/xmas_files)