February

Tuesday, February 5th, 2002 11:37 pm Sounds: Radiohead / Amnesiac So It has been a helluva long time since we last spoke, and I am a bit sorry about that.  I could say that I was a busy man and I would not be lying, but I must also say that I didn't much feel like putting any effort into this for a while there.  I was more into just sleeping and waking and running and sleeping and eating and seeing BANE.  Yes, indeed, I am back at Princeton University, and yes, indeed, I wish I was not here with a lot of my heart, but have also begun to feel a little bit of myself claiming this vast educational wasteland as my home.  Homewas pretty good, though, like always, this was due mainly to BANE.  Other than that, my trip back sucked a bit more than it rocked.  Plusses also go out to seeing my cousin John who is living in my brother Bret's old room for the time being, as he continues to persue his dreams of getting a higher education...he is rather inspirational at times, if just to tell me to stop acting like a bitch and to get over the exgirl.  By the way, on that tip, I try my best not to think of her, but she always creeps back in.  The pictures of us haunt me in this room, and it is really freaky at times to think of how reality is right now and that those happy happy pictures are nothing but a past.  Anyway, she is "with" another boy back at home, a boy I once proudly called a good friend when I was a kid.  There isn't really any animosity from me to him, but he is the luckiest man alive, so, well, I guess I am just jealous right now.  I figure, though, that someone better must come along sooner or later, and, if not, I have music.  Music is my girlfriend.  HAHAH.  That was from a song for those that don't know.  Anyway, I don't have a car cause Allstate is taking it and destroying it and making money off of it by giving me a helluva lot less than it is worth, which means a Datsun from now on when I get back.  I actually want an Astro Van.  Oh well.  My classes kick ass this semester, and you'll be getting a taste of some of my creative writing soon, so go click on that tab from the front page.  I am becoming better friends with the Stouts (Kyle and Brianna/Bri) and they make this place a better place to be.  Friends of thiers like Bianca and Ben and Chris are becoming mine in a weird sort of way, which is comforting too.  Anyway, it snowed again, and I loved it again, and people think I am crazy for that.  I finally met the creepy dude down the hall named Chinendum, a cool guy from Nigeria by way of New Jersey.  Creepy.  I love using the word "helluva" in writing now...it makes me feel like Caulfield/Salinger.  Rock.  I'll be talking to you real soon.  Peace out boyscout.

homewardbound

Wednesday, February 6th, 2002 9:05 pm Sounds: Fugazi / The Argument I awoke to the Radiohead CD I had in the player last night.  I have my alarm play a CD for 10 minutes before it shuts off, and I decided to stay in bed until I had finished the 10 minutes.  I fell back asleep.  I awoke a half hour later, pretty rushed if I was to make it to class on time.  I did.  The shower sucked and was cold on my bare bottom when I turned it away from the stream of water.  The class was amazing, however...it is about modern forms of literature and investigates strange new foms, like Daniel Spoerri's An Anecdoted Topography of Chance.  Good good stuff.  Anway, I then went to Micawber Books and bought more texts for this semester's lovely classes, and then I walked slowly back to my room, taking time to enjoy the many wonderful sights and sounds of the day.  I saw squirells jumping from tree to tree.  It was fun.  I had lot of fun watching that.  So, then, I was gonna go get lunch with Nicole from upstairs, but the line was to long, so I held out on breakfast even more.  I went to my Italian class, which is now taught by Alberto, one of the coolest/devlish-looking men alive.  Funny man with nice athletic italian scarpe.  Rock.  So, then I had to go to my writing seminar, which sucks, a lot, a lot, a lot.  I hate it already...too much work.  Oh well.  Then to the record store to buy the Fugazi I'm jammin out to.  Radio show was rad today, lots of callers and IMers and shit....fans dude, fans.  Talked to Tolga about Ediz coming out here...good shit.  That is about it.  I'm gonna go get dinner.  Anyway, I have been told that I am a drama king/queen.  I am.  Probably.  Oh well.  I let the emotions of the moment grab me and take me for a ride, and I often don't ever try to handle them.  That is me.  Take it or leave it.  For now, go learn more about the art of ignoring painful truths and the world crumbling at your feet.  What you know is never forever.

Friday, February 8th, 2002 12:55 pm Sounds: Fugazi / The Argument (again) Today I did that same old stupid sleep in shit that almost makes you late to class.  It was the kind of thing that made me have to skip the morning shower, or at least postpone it.  Not cool.  I was going to put on shorts and be a brave man, but I pulled up the shades and saw that it was snowing, thought better of it, and put on my (newish) black Matix denim jeans.  I’ve noticed lately that Matix is a brand of clothing that I seem to buy a lot of clothes from.  I wonder why.  Walked to class with Alejandra (girl that lives upstairs/is constantly pestered by me these days along with her roommate Nicole when I feel inhuman after not speaking with any other humans for 4 hours/is in my Biological Psychology class as well) through the snow and noticed that it was terribly warm under three layers of t-shirt, long sleeve t-shirt, and sweatshirt and didn’t like that the snow was not collecting on the ground in big fluffy bunches but was, rather, melting as soon as it came into contact with the asphalt.  The lecture on the brain and neurons was – haha – stimulating and I enjoyed myself.  I felt dirty after that and came back to the dorm to shower.  Go back, though, cause I ran into (rather, she shouted at me from her window) a girl that I had met because she came up to me and said that she had enjoyed my columns in the newspaper.  She has been a subtle fixture in my days and nights here, name being Elizabeth from Pennsylvania.  She was a little bit perturbed with me and stated that she thought I was ignoring her of late and that I was “insincere” with my words that I thought she was someone worthwhile to hang out with and get to know because after I said that I (admittedly) did little to stay in touch with her.  It was not a conscious effort to get her out of my life, though, and that is the truth…sometimes we just get busy and our priority ladder is already set in stone.  Anyway, I told her to meet me for lunch, which she did at Wu Dining Hall after I had showered and finished my Italian homework back in my dorm.  Tim (the punk rocker from San Diego) joined us after a little bit, and, overall, it was a nice time.  I went to Italian and had an ok time.  I went to my creative writing class and had a great time.  Basically, it is a class where I am gonna write whatever I want and people (including a good published writer, James Lasdun) are gonna read and criticize…basically I am stoked.  I think I may start with a story about a guy that gets his heart broke and the craze that he goes into from there.  Maybe.  We’ll see.  Moving on (this was a busy day), I talked to the exlady later and we had an interesting little chat that started friendly enough, and deteriorated when she refused to answer my question “Is all you have done with him (the new guy) is kiss?”  She didn’t answer, and thus, I know the answer, but don’t know what was done, but the confusion and heartache from not knowing makes me crazy and physically sick to my stomach.  Terrible.  We never really finished the conversation, and, as of right now, I am waiting for “her to call back.”  (she actually has interrupted this entry a few lines earlier.)  So, Kyle came by after that and we went to the WPRB All-Station Meeting, which was basically the rulers of the radio talking to prospective DJ’s and getting them interested.  A girl that I met through my column and had talked to via Instant Messenger only up until then came up and introduced herself.  Hello Prachie.  Nice to meet you in person.  We (Kyle and I) gave a little speech, and we were dressed funny…he in a blue leisure suit, me in my blue and yellow Saucony’s, blue Forum warm-ups, and blue and yellow Asics windbreaker.  Sick.  After that, we went to see Edward Alby (author of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolfe, etc.) speak.  He said some interesting things, especially about 9 Eleven, and about what sets humans apart from the rest of the animal kingdom….we criticize the world we live in through artistic means…all good art is like a mirror being held up to society, making us ask ourselves if we like what we see, and, if not, to change.  Deep.  Good speech.  Dinner at Frist with fools, crazy times.  Feeling bad about the implications of the exlady’s response, or lack their of.  Wishing I could just know and be more at ease.  Sheesh.  Playing music with Joe and Tim and others tomorrow, and am going to dinner with Grandpa Al.  Fun times.  I’m gonna go be sick.  Out.

Tuesday, February 19, 2002 1:39 pm Poison the Well / Tear From the Red (the new one) So it has been a little over a week since I last communicated the happenings of my trivial little life to you all.  A lot has gone on, and a lot hasn’t.  The more things change, the more they stay the same, right? The most recent happening was a trip to Washington DC with Tolga this past weekend.  I got on a train last Thursday night to Haverford, and hung out that night with Tolga and his new roommate Jose, one damn cool fellow.  Next morning we got to Philly’s 30th Street Station for our 11 am Amtrak to DC.  I slept the whole way, Tolga read.  I was the navigator for the majority of the trip, and knew my way around pretty well.  The previous three trips that I have undertaken in our nation’s capitol had been permanently etched in my mind, I guess, cause I knew my way pretty well.  We stayed at a hotel called the Carlyle Suites Hotel, which bragged to be the nicest “art-deco” hotel in DC.  That is just a poor way of saying, “Not quite a real hotel, but one that pretends pretty well, and is at least better than your shitty dorm.”  It was ok.  It was chosen because the Mira Costa Model U.N. team was also staying there, old friends and acquaintances were close at hand.  This included Timberlake, the adviser, a man that is a legend both in his own and in my mind.  Perhaps the greatest thing to come out of a frat ever.  We hung out with the MUN crew a bit that day, and spent the night traveling to “the mall” at night.  The way it was lit up made it a beautiful sight, the Washington Monument protruding from the ground like a big penis.  The Lincoln Memorial is always my favorite, and I take the time to read both the Gettysburg Address and the Inaugural Address.  I am moved by the man in the chair, seemingly a real person just a bit larger than life.  His contributions to this nation were so humbly self-regarded, yet changed the whole course of history.  An amazing man that stood by what was best for the greater whole at almost every junction in his life.  That is really admirable.  Anyway, the next day we ate with Zaneb and her mother (Turkish friends of Tolga) at the Cheesecake Factory and it was good and it made me think about my possible job this summer at the one in King Harbor.  Fun.  We roamed about Georgetown and M Street next, taking too much time to buy music at Smash Records (I got the new Poison the Well (amazing), the new Thrice (really good), and the Vandals “Peace through Vandalism” (a must have)) and watching weirdoes go by.  I love that area, that town, so full of life and history.  To me, it is the place where old crashes head on with new, a place where you can see a group of mohawked punks sitting on the Old Stone House walls smoking cigarettes.  There is something comforting in knowing that the two eras can coexist, that we can keep moving forward while remaining in the past.  Kinda like my life right now.  So, anyway, we hung out with the MUN kids some more, and I got to reacquaint myself with Kirby Ram, a high school sophomore that I “took under my wing” in some aspects last year.  She is growing up wonderfully, and it was good to know that she was/is still on the right track, following her heart, living life to make herself proud.  Good girl she is.  We ate too much (Tolga and I) and spent too much money, but, all in all, the trip was one that revitalized me (if only momentarily) and showed me that there were people out there that I knew and understood.  Oh, I forgot, it was also really nice to see Californian women in thongs and g-strings.  MMM.  Hehe.  So, we got on the train on Sunday and came home in one piece.  No fights, lots of laughs, and an eerie sense of home.  I felt like getting on the plane with the members of the MUN team that day.  I missed home a lot.  Back to Princeton I came, back to this awful dorm room, these people that try to know me but don’t.  Blagh.  I gotta try harder to give them a fighting chance. So, phew, that was that trip.  Now on to a few more short things. First is this girl.  Her name is Julie, but I just found that out today.  So, the story goes something like this:  I am in line to get a sandwich at Frist (our student union) and I look to the right and see this guy in a Saves the Day shirt.  I think to myself that this guy is a potential friend, one that doesn’t listen to a constant rotation of Dave Mathews Band and Phish.  Then, even more brilliant, I see the female standing to his left.  I see her from behind, and I am instantly intrigued.  You won’t understand this if you have never been the east/my school, but, SHE LOOKED CALIFORNIAN.  The jeans, the fact that I could tell she was wearing a thong, the good sense of style.  I hate to say this, but she reminded me a bit of Dani.  Anyway, I go back to the sandwich, then glance one more time to the right, and she has turned around, and I swear, my jaw dropped.  She looked amazing.  The first girl on this whole campus that actually was physically appealing to me.  Really physically appealing.  Like, super hot.  Mmm.  Anyway, she seemed like she was in a hurry, and I had no guts, and there was a guy next to her, and blah, you know how that goes.  So I let it pass.  The next day was Valentine’s Day, and as I was coming out of the creative writing building (wearing my headphones cause the walk is really far), I see her coming toward me.  She looks up, right into my staring eyes, and smiles.  She was fixed on me, as I was on her, and we didn’t stop staring until we had long-since past each other.  Good, right?  Well, then I notice the SAME GUY standing next to her, walking with her.  Blah.  Later that night, as I was on the way to the train station to go the Haverford, I see the girl again, wearing a skirt, looking amazing.  Well, guess who she was wrapped around?  That’s right, Saves The Day Boy.  Boo.  Then, today, as I was walking back from biopsychology with Megumi (a girl down the hall/in my RA group), Megumi says hello to the same girl!!!  I asked Meg once we had passed what her name was and if she was from California.  She said Julie and she didn’t know.  I took it upon myself, and looked her up in our “Facebook.”  Modjeska California.  A freshman.  Haha.  I was right.  A beautiful southern Californian lady from about an hour away.  And she was younger than me by two months.  Man, I wish she wasn’t taken, it could be so perfect.  I realize that I don’t even know this girl and she could be a crazy bitch , but, the logistics are perfect for a really good relationship.  But, alas, she doesn’t even know my name or who I am and is already “taken.”  All the ladies in my life seem to be these days.  I guess, though, the good thing is that I was actually thinking about (and I am right now too I guess) someone other than the exgirl in a romantic manner.  We’ll see where this leads, though I suspect nowhere. So, the radio station is going good.  Tune in.  www.wprb.com every Wednesday at 5 eastern and 2 pacific.  It’s pretty fun.  The other interesting thing is the novella I am writing.  It is for my creative writing class, but for me as well.  I have the whole story planned out, and just have to keep writing.  Keep checking this site (there is a link on the front page for it) for more chapters.  The first is up. Other than that, life is pretty dim.  I have realized that I have been putting on a front of happiness a lot lately, and it is beginning to wear thin.  The exgirl called last night and broke the news (after a lot of prodding by me) that she and Theotherguy are “together.”  Sweet.  I feel really really low and useless and unattractive and alone and hurt.  Words don’t get the point across.  If you had all seen the tears that dried on my pillow last night, you would understand.  Maybe she would.  Maybe not.  Probably not.  I’m gonna go eat.  Goodbye.  It’ll all probably come out in the end ok but you never know right now.  Hopefully I’ll walk out my door and Julia from Modjeska CA is gonna be out there.  Probably not.  Later.

Wednesday, February 20, 2002, 11:04 pm From Autumn to Ashes / Too Bad You're Beautiful I fell asleep last night with tears beginning to dry on my cheeks.  I had “the last talk” with the exgirl.  I think my last words were “So, I don’t think we should ever speak again.”  Her’s were, “Ok.”  That was it.  Perhaps that will really be “it” this time.  I don’t know yet what to hope or wish for, or if I want it to be “it” or if I don’t.  I don’t know anything at all really.  I know that I felt like my insides were about to explode last night, and that the tears that came out felt forceful and, unlike most tears, did not leave me feeling better when they had subsided.   I felt drained, like there was no more liquid in my body, and I was thirsty too.  I had a sip of water and curled up in my shitty little dorm room bed with a mattress that isn’t big enough so that my feet hang off the edge, and I felt sorry for myself, but, more than that, I just felt solitude smash head on.  I know that I sound extremely whiny right now, but, this is how it happened.  Not that you should care.  Moving on, I arose to the sounds of Bad Religion, and realized that class and my new mood just didn’t agree this morning, and fell back asleep.  I got up for my Italian class a little while later.  I go to that and laugh at our very Italian, very crazy teacher.  He is amazingly amazing, if not that great of a teacher.  I move along to my writing seminar class (not the creative one) and I hate it more than ever, and leave feeling drained.  We spent time talking about grades, which depressed me because everyone here is so into grades and what they mean, and I couldn’t care less.  We also looked at a Goya painting and then a sculpture of Lacaoon.  Cool stuff.  Check it out.  I eat in my room by myself, some chicken tenders and fries.  I watch my TV a while, and then I listen and review the Bad Religion CD.  Not great.  Not horrid.  I go to the radio station where I get made fun of for liking/playing Thrice and Poison the Well.  Oh well.  We have a third wheel, Matt Clark (his dad directed the movie “KIDS”).  He is straight New Jersey, even has the Garden State tattooed on his shoulder, but it is backwards so he can see it the right way in the mirror.  Straight New Jersey.  Rock.  I came back to this room, and I watched Dawson’s Creek (sorry, it is my female indulgence).  I ate more, and then went up to talk to Nicole (she got mad yesterday when she did not see her name on here once).  She is a great person, someone that I often run to and bear my heart to.  Our talk was interesting, but, basically, it was me saying that the last 6 months have been the worst of my life here, and that I have found no one to click with and that this whole place makes me sick at times.  She fought valiantly for this place, but, in the end, my mind was not changed.  I hope that I don’t bring her down, she is a nice nice lady.  She has had a tough few months as well.  That is life.  I gotta write chapter two of the novella tonight, and hopefully I’ll put it up for you if you care.  More words.  My life is just a bunch of words it seems.  Words words words words words words.  Type type type type.  Maybe it will allow me to live one day.  Words.  Silly words.

SundayFebruary 24, 2002, 6:52 pm Poison the Well / Tear From the Red I’m in a bit of daze right now, having just begun to settle into the day, even though it is already night.  Last night was a bit of night, though not really one at all.  Basically, the past few days have been overwhelmed by the radio station.  Kyle and I are trying to get things back on track, both with personality problems and technical issues within the studio.  Yesterday, we (WPRB’s senior board) had to meet with the board of trustees, the alumni that runs the station monetarily and from a management point of view.  They are all old dj’s and station managers and shit, and it is funny to see so many Princeton grads in one room being….well, being Princetonians.  The way that they talk and the way that they carry themselves…it’s like seeing a red penguin.  Very easy to spot.  I spent the rest of the day with radio station fools, talking about nothing and everything all at once, getting lost in conversations that will never see the light of day again.  I came back to the room and visited with the Girl Coalition upstairs (the ladies of my RA group). They were all primping and prodding, getting ready for a big night on the Street.  For those that don’t know, we have one street (Prospect it is called) that is home to eleven “eating clubs.”  In addition to providing upperclassmen with eating facilities, these mansions serve as giant party houses every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night.  The ladies asked me to go out with them, and, to be honest, I started to contemplate it.  I thought that I might see that Modjeska girl, even if she was with her boyfriend.  She is extremely attractive in my eye; we “met” each other the other day as I was walking back from class.  I had kind of expected her cause I had seen her the same time the week before (read above, on Valentine’s Day).  Anyway, she indeed was there, sans boyfriend.  I stopped and talked to her, asking her (though I already knew the answer) if she was from CA, which, of course, she was.  Anyway, she said that she had seen me at Newark International Airport, when I had big hair.  Thus, she had remembered me, and was actually able to see past the hair to the face and recognize that.  Wonderful.  She was beautiful, with bright eyes of jade, and I fell into physical love on the spot.  It is too bad nothing will happen.  Still, it is good for me to be smitten with someone other than the Exgirl.  At least I think it is.  Tonight is laundry night, plus molte molte homework.  Fuck.  Little to no sleep tonight too.  Damnit to hell.

March

Tuesday, March 5, 2002 8:27 pm BANE / It All Comes Down to This Sorry, at least to all those faithful readers, and to myself for not keeping this up.  I feel like I have cheated myself out of the last few days, and that isn't a good feeling.  For those of you that don't know, or who have been presuming falsely, this website isn't entirely for you.  In fact, it is almost exclusively for me.  I thought awhile back that it would be the most amazing thing to have a true account of my days here, at least true in some sort of sense to me.  I want to be able to look back at this site in a year or two, and go to a day, one that has long since been forgotten under the rubble of all my other thoughts, and to recall.  I want that feeling of "oh, yeah, I remember that..." to come smashing into my face.  I don't want any of this to be lost.  And, with each day I miss, it is.  Of course, I love that you read this.  Somehow, it makes my life take on some sort of importance in that what was my day becomes a small nugget of what was your day.  That feels good.  Anyway, enough of this.  You missed not a lot, mostly a week of hard work, a terrible radio show, me seeing the Poet Laureate of the United States of American (Billy Collins) read his work, meeting the Stout's friend Elizabeth who is from Ohio and who's father is a congressman, lots of reading, lots of sleeping (catching up is a good thing), going out to "the street" to watch people get drunk and coming home disheartened, staying in my room all night during the "freshman formal," playing guitar and writing songs, having dumb IM chats, etc.  The norm.  This week promises to be a bit better.  A show on Friday (Ensign, Hope Conspiracy, etc.) that is being recorded live and will be given free to all those that attend, Tim's friend (who is female) is coming to visit (finally we get to see a hot Californian lady on this campus), NYC on Saturday with the radio station kids...That is about it.  My dad is coming to visit next Monday and Wednesday (he is here on business), meaning I get to feel like I am at home and meaning that I get GOOD food for a change.  I miss home a lot.  But, I will be going back there soon, next Friday to be exact.  The Ides of March.  Spooky.  It is not something that I am looking forward to that much, mostly because I still can't really bear to deal with the whole Exgirl situation.  We have only talked twice in the last two weeks, the second conversation having just taken place.  The tears are drying on my face as I type.  I don't think that she and I will be doing much conversing in the next few days, weeks, months, years...It hurts so much to hear her voice; so beautiful to me, so far away, such a great reminder of the most happy time my life has ever seen, such a harsh reminder of the pain that exists just below the surface of the happy facade that I keep putting up everyday.  I told her that I didn't really know who she was anymore, that the things people that she has actively choosen to surround herself with just aren't who I see her being around, that they don't seem like her.  But what the fuck do I know.  All the years she spent with me could have just been her afraid to jump into the person that she really is/was.  Maybe this is her, maybe these people that she seems to be so fond of are who she is as well.  Maybe not.You never really know.  And I am not gonna sit here and pretend that I do.  All I know is that I wrote her a card the other day that said that it was "the final hello, the final goodbye, and the final I love you" that she was getting from me.  Sometimes I wish that I had the balls and the strength for that to be the truth.  Sometimes I wish that I had had the strength to refrain from handing my heart over to her on a sliver platter.  For her to devour.  The next time that you tell me that you love me please look me in the eye so that I can see the twitch...cause loving words are only words when loving words mean nothing.  In other news, I have a new friend in Long Beach that rocks.  And there is a girl from Indiana that is moving out to Los Angeles that is going to completey get "Californicated" by the whole South Bay Hard Core crew.  hahaha.  I need to go try to smile.  I am so fucking tired of not being able to be happy without trying.  I want the times when I felt happy for no reason, when happiness was a given everytime the sun interupted my sleeping self.  This is....this is the hollow point...it's the most fucked up point...the truth that you've been searching for for all those long years.

Sunday,March 10, 2002 3:45 am Radiohead / Amnesiac So, a few days have gone by in a blur, and so the world goes.  Um, a lot of school has been getting me down, and I don't think that the whole getting good grades thing is gonna happen this semester.  I am too preoccupied with trying to deal with the emotional baggage left over from the Exgirl.  A quick note on that:  I sent her a card explaining a whole bunch, mostly saying that we could not talk again for a long long time.  She called the day after, and I got into the whole thing verbally with her over a few very emotionally draining conversations.  The whole gist of the shit is that my head has made the decision that she is no longer good for me, that being with her ever again would be a mistake.  The only problem is that my heart is still really really into her, and I am still really emotionally attached to her and I feel like a love her.  So it is a battle between the mind and the heart.  And I have ALWAYS been one to follow my heart, becuase I think that it is the one compass that you should follow if you want to find happiness.  Only, it may be wrong this time.  The Exgirl isn't for me anymore.  And the whole "friendship" thing, yeah, well....right now, it is way too hard, especially with her being with someone else.  I just can't talk to her and not feel like she is cheating on me, on us, trampling on how special we were, how much I meant to her.  And that hurts.  Too much.  So no more taliking, period, finito, the end.  That is it.  And that is the end of that.  Moving on, a few things just to get out in fact form.  1) Tim's friend that is also a girl (don't confuse this with girlfriend) Katie came in on Friday.  2) She is from San Diego too, and goes to U of A.  3) We three went to see the Hope Conspiracy and Ensign in Bound Brook, NJ.  4)  It was rad.  5) Katie rules, and being around her is like being at home (she saw my jeans and asked what company made them, and when I started to explain who Fourstar was, she was like, "Dude, I know, I worked in a skate shop."  Cool.)  6) Went to NYC today with the WPRB crowd and had a rip roaring time.  Fun stuff..................  Ok, so that is the factual part.  Now the real life zoom.  Uhm, New York was cool today, I always love that city.  Hanging out with the WPRB folks in Times Square singing N.E.R.D. songs and yelling out to an invisible Carson Daily as we go to Sbarro (Manhattan Mall style) and get dirty looks for being stuck up Ivy League kids.  Cool.  Tim and I are getting closer, and I really don't want him to transfer like he keeps saying that he is going to.  No Timmy, no Billy, no Kyle....that would be my junior year.  That would be hell here.  Oh well.  Uhm, still no girls trying to perve on me (Arizona term from Katie), but oh well.  Sometimes you just don't win.  I wrote my next article for the newspaper here, and I wrote chapter three.  See the front for more shit on that.  I'm going back to cali on Friday, and I am stoked.  Yeah baby.  I am lame.  And will talk to you later.  Al.

Tuesday March 12, 2002 11:43 pm Fugees / The Score Maybe you can tell by the song I am listening to right now, but, I have been downloading rap all day.  Snoop, Dre, Coolio, Slick Rick, Vanilla Ice, Kris Kross, Master P...you get the deal.  It is my, "the first mix CD to play when you finally are driving the new car" mix.  Gotta love Kazzaa.  Anyway, I'm a bit sick right now, and that isn't a good feeling.  The kind where the snot drips ONLY when you are in class listening to a lecture and you sniffle the whole time.  Hate that shit.  My dad came into town yesterday, and we went out to dinner at Truimph, the only local bar/restaurant.  It was very very nice to see someone that I know loves me unconditionally.  He is a great father to me, someone that loves me relentlessly.  Of course, it is often hard to read him, his stoicism is world-renowned.  Being around him at this time in my life is strange, and I feel very very old, or at least I feel like I am growing older.  You sit next to him and remember all the basketball games and all the Christmas's and all the hurt of him leaving for good...It is strange how you can know someone for you whole life and still feel that your relaitonship is new and different duringsome periods of your life.  It is good to know that that is possible, and probably how all "loving" relationships should be.  Anyway, I am in the midst of midterms, and they suck.  Too much work for this small boy.  I don't likey, but oh well, you roll with the punches.  I'll be home on Friday and that is wonderful.  Except it means I gotta somewhat deal with the Exgirl.  She called me a few times this week, talking about troubles with the new guy and whatnot, and I tried to explain to her where I was at in dealing with her.  It is the whole, my heart is still as in love with you as ever, but I know that, in my mind, I can't do it ever again.  It is hard to describe.  I just feel like I am looking at myself in third person form a lot of the time, that I have a camera on my shoulder that I watch all day, like I am in a daze.  I don't like it that much.  I'm gonna go work now.  And miss feeling attactive.  Boo hoo al.  I know.  I just want some beautiful to look at me with eyes full of admiration, someone to say that the best part of their day is spent with me.  One day.  Audie 5 Thousand.

Friday March 15th 2002 5:10 am Eastern Time Trial By Fire / Ringing in the Dawn Once again, I am going home.  I'm there a lot.  Today (well, yesterday, but I still have not gone to sleep, so I say "today") was soooooooo long.  The longest Thursday ever.  Two tests (I did well on them both I think) and then Creative Writing where people criticise my story, then the radio station stuff and then I had to write an essay.  Boo on everything.  I figure I should just stay up so that I can sleep on the plane.  To complicate matters, I have been sick the last two days.  Not horribly, but the cough is getting worse, and I can't stand it anymore, and I get frustrated and cuss at my aching abdomen and FUCK.  The second visit from my dad was pretty nice, we went to Macoroni Grill and I had good pasta arrabiats (literally, angry pasta for all you Italian buffs).  He left.  So did Tim, and this school immediately felt a lot smaller and a lot lonlier.  He is trying to transfer permanently to UC Berkeley, which he thinks he will be much happier at.  He may.  I won't be happier here if he goes.  That is for sure.  But, everyone has to do what is good for themselves and for themselves to be happy.  He's visiting Berkeley right now, and I think it would be funny if he ran into Amir and roughed him up for being such a bitch...Amir is playing with a few guys from Breathe In.  Lucky bastard.  I am going to start playing with a few younger fellas this weekend, so we'll see how that goes.  Hopefully well.  Home should be nice....lots of El Tarasco and El B. J. and Sombrero.  Yum.  And it will be scorching.  And the beach (I am actually looking forward to that for once!) and the Suicide File show and Matty C.  Caplan is coming back with me next Saturday so that he can say he's been to the East Coast (fuck you).  It should be an interesting week.  Which I need to go pack for.  I'm taking all my dirty laundry to wash at home.  Cool.  I hope the plane flies well.  Adios.