Why dont you just go fuck her? Summer Dies and So Do We...

x.xAugust 31st, 2004x.x
8:20PM

I always remember that August has 31 days... thats one of two months that I always know have 31 days. August, and July. It's fortunate, because they're both vacation months. But it comes from the extra days being given to these two months because the represent Julius Caesar, who created our Julian Calendar and his (uncle?) Augustus Caesar.

Well, summer is dead and so are we. Sunday morning, I believe it was, Greg boarded that plane and flew off for Montreal. He's gone, gone forever, and I'll likely never see him again. Thank you for leaving me here to rot, Greg. I appreciate it with every fibre of my being.

I spent the weekend at the cottage. I took the kayak around the lake a fair amount of times and torment the wildlife well enough. I took it upon myself to vandal the boyscout camp, even without an accomplice. Cabin #2 now boasts the message (in shiny black paint): "DOWN WITH GEORGE W. BUSH JR AND HIS DESTRUCTIVE POLICIES!". Its funny when morons try to vandalize things. It just sounds so dorky and informed, yes? Then I rolled the cabin, hopped into my kayak and paddled gleefully away.

I also broke open a couple paint cans and threw them in the woods... who cares about grey paint anyway. The first time I was up there I heard the sound of my dad's motor boat starting off back at the cottage, and I freaked out that he would see my vandalism with me infront of it, and so I had to run like BLOODY FUCKING HELL through the camp, through the woods and the little structure they call a "church" (its all just white pole fences, white pole cross and a couple wooden benches) and into the kayak and away. I decided to "park" my boat there so it wouldn't look like I was at the boyscout camp... you can't see the cross from the cottage unless you boat directly infront of it.

I spent like eight hours straight finishing this awesome book by CD Payne called "Youth In Revolt." The guy ends up running away from home, his family thinks he's in India, and he lives in his best friends house and goes through school as a transvestite. It's the weirdest ending possible, but it's hilarious.

School in two days. Summmer's dead.

x.xAugust 28th, 2004x.x
11:15PM

Today was the LAST DAY OF WORK! I think Nick thought I looked suitable, and that I should wear the exact same thing to school on the first day, but I dont think so. I want to wear my cords. I love those pants.

We had a staff party. Greg showed up late and sits in his girlfriend's lap (she brought her whole family, too) as they throw a guitar at me and I sing that song I wrote about him, and I felt like I was BLEEDING MY FUCKING LIFE out at him and then he just sits there on his stupid girlfriends lap, and I was trying not to cry when he got up and walked away! Oh my GOD I am SO pissed off at him. And then he left to go to some other party. I'm so pissed off at him. I can't believe him. What a fucking cunt. I'm going to tell his girlfriend all the things he's done. Stupid fucking CUNT!

So I was pissed, as you can tell, and I cried in the sunroom for a while, in the bathroom, in the chair, upstairs. Then I decided that the bowl of Sangrea wine would be my salvation. So I ended up drinking six cups of it by the end of the night and was a little bit Whoo-ish. Nick and Jennie left to go to the party, too, but atleast they hung around with me and talked to me and Jennie said maybe we could go to the movies. Then they left, and I was sad. All alone and sad.

So I moped indoors for what seemed forever, drinking the Sangrea every chance I had when my boss or my mother was not around (I do want to get rehired you know). After a while I went outside to sit with Dad, he tried to force me to play the guitar but he just put it on me and I refused to play it. I was too sad for that sort of happyness. So I sat next to Denis and realized how hot he is. But he's so much older, and Amanda touches him in a way that makes me think there's things happening between them.

And my favorite boutique girl, Laura, saw my stupor and my dizziness and slurryness and put a bottle to my back. It was cold. The second time she did it, I jokingly took it, and as I did I realized she had been offering it to me. It was half a bottle of beer. I drank it, the stars were out and the fire was burning and the moon full hung on the horizon between the treetops. The parents were inside. I thought I had to go, but then I heard my dads voice singing songs on the sound system with a bass and drums in the background, it was beautiful. It bought me another hour.

I had more fun when Greg was gone, I guess, when I was done moping around and crying. (Stupid greg.) The beer made me sort of jittery, sort of like I had this vague tremor running through me that I didnt really care to notice. that and the six cups of wine. My mother frowned as she saw me take my first. And my "second" (by then I was on my fifth, but that was only the second she had observed). It was Denis, Amanada, Joseph, Andree, and Laura. Marie Claude and her boyfriend showed up later, so I had to conceal the wine a little (because I think she might be friendlier with my mother than the kids). Laura told me to drink up, cause drinkings only fun when youre young. Then you get drunk. You get to sneak around and be hiding it from your parents and then you have all these great stories to tell. She was so enthusiastic.

I downed the rest of it when my mom and dad had their back turned during their goodbyes, and I threw the bottle on the ground. (Whoa my eye just twitched.) I said my goodbyes, Laura said she'd be watching for me on Candian Idol and then we drove home at 9:30. My mom and dad wanted to go to their friends house. Where I knew I couldn't get any more drinks. So we went home and I bubbled and made fun noises in the backseat and doused the beer smell with listerine pocket packs. It doesnt matter that I spilled the beer on me a bit, cause all I smell like is campfire. I love that smell. I love those guys. I loved the people I worked with, and I'm horribly sad to have to leave.

It was a good summer. It was a good run.

anyways, Right now I have a very rotten philosophy. And it whispers into my ears with tones of disdain. And it tells me, Crissi, youre stupid. You have no boyfriend, and your summer fling will be moving to Montreal tomorrow. Jeff thinks youre stupid. Congratulations. Youve turned off every guy you like.

x.xAugust 27th, 2004x.x
8:34PM

hello!

I was spared the unfortunate brainwracking task of breaking up with my boyfriend as he succeeded fairly well enough on his own, however, he omitted the necessary fifteen minutes of me berating him for being a pathetic, skateboard-addicted fag. I'm sorry, I believe its customary for me to be slightly angry for no apparent reason. I didn't get to break up with him first, despite contemplating it for the last month. Welcome to reality, daaaahling. Needless to say, I got any missed points past Chad, who is, as they would say, "Penis in ass" tight with Tommy, therefore I am assured that if those were not Tommys fingers typing the pointless questions, then he was immediately at hand. Or shoulder. Or penis. Whichever you prefer.

The situation remains as to what I should to with his belongings. I have of course a blanket he forgot and two video games he let my brother borrow in a futile attempt to gain some sort of a friendly relationship with him. Erica believes I should smash the discs to pieces, or use them in their entirety as some fabulous "bling bling." There is also the option of searing off the limbs of the plush frog he gave me (our 'love child,' similiar to Sheeni Saunder's bizarre pet dog Albert) and giving him back his belongings over the course of time along with small green plush limbs. I believe I should ruin the box he gave me, writing small contradictions to his feeble attempt at romantic jargon next to his scrawlish writing (riddled of course with many spelling errors I would have not made in third grade).

A few bizarre things happened that night. Firstly, no tears (although I honestly did try, I could only manage to be sad that Greg is leaving on Sunday, and I shall never see him or any of my new companions ever again, lest we all be rehired next summer). Secondly, my perspective on a few things changed. Why must this summer suddenly feel so much like last summer? I found a poem I had written on this exact same sentiment this morning as I was logging on to Pathetic.org to preserve my membership from being frozen, and I noticed I had some comments on the poem and so I re read it. It amazes me. I wish I could still write that way. I seem to have lost it. I believe it was called Siren Summer. Have you a moment, I urge you to read it. I laughed as I read it. Brown eyes. Tell me darling, who has brown eyes?

I feel bizarre. I bought things to show off today on cam, but my audience is not watching. I believe I shall log off now, as my brother will be wanting it shortly. For those who seek to aid my lack of companionship tonight, I'll be on shortly after 10:30, from then on into the wee morning hours. I certainly do enjoy staying up late and sleeping in late, as it doesn't happen much. They dont expect me until 1:00 at work tomorrow.

x.xAugust 23rd, 2004x.x
1:39PM

Got a good tinge darker on my tan! I spent two and a half hours floating around in the pool and sitting in the hammock. Theres not much else you can do when youre tanning but listen to music, so I guess it gives you a lot of time to think. Thats good, because there's something I really need to tell someone, but I need to word it properly, because I'm really, REALLY not good at this. Usually I'm never the one who ends up... ah nevermind.

I think I might go to the mall and get a bookbag today. I don't really need one, except Ive been using the same one for the past three years and the bottoms getting a little worn thin. Might be embarassing if the bottom gives out on my first day of school, haha. But I seem to want to hoarde my money, I dont want to spend it, but I dont want to save it for university. Cause that seems fuck all too far away. But I know I should have to... grraarr I dun wanna! *cries* But my dad will hate me if I don't save it.

We went to the cottage this weekend. It wasn't that great, but it was okay. I spent four hours writing out this huge ass diary entry. usually I do them on the computer so it doesnt give me hand seizures. Im surprised my hand didn't like, fall off or something. It was my grandfathers 63rd birthday yesterday and he got stung by a bee that was in his drink. He kept joking that he was going to die. He's officially now the oldest male Cochrane. Isn't that SADDENING? 63 is the oldest! God that makes me sad. See, I want to live forever and refuse to die any sooner, so fuck fuck fuck that, Im going to live forever goddamnit.

x.xAugust 21st, 2004x.x
10:39PM

I have like a trillion sayings whipping around in my head, none of em make any sense and none of them are staying very long. I'm just coming to a lot of conclusions lately, and I guess you could say I feel like I'm concluding a few phases of my life soon.

Well, I'm sorry I haven't written in like a week. I'm sure that lots has been happening... Hahaha. Sunday night I cut my hair out of a fit of sheer boredom. It actually looked really cute, really... I dont know, really cute and thrifty and I liked it. I had a day off on Monday, so Meghan came over, we watched the Butterfly effect and went on over to Erica's house, who gave me a hair straightener and a bunch of stuff and cut me some side sweep bangs (that dont really sweep properly, but thats okay, I saved 20 bucks, saved 20 bucks).

Then the next day I worked, did my last puppet shows (as Greg's replacement). Erica came over that night and we hung out and watched Thirteen (and I swore, I told her to remember to take the video out of my VCR and yesterday I tried to shove in a different one and it wouldn't go in cause Thirteen was stuck in it, Thirteen with a little Blockbuster sticker on it, oops oops oops).

We went on webcam with some guy and Erica poured a glass of water down my shirt. I dont think thats ever happened to me before... not on purpose, really, anyway. We slept downstairs and thought we were going to die... Ahaha just like old times.

Then we dressed up like sluts and walked to her house and then to the mall. We got 28 honks that day! Except we counted this one as 5 because this guy like shoved his whole body out the window and said "Hey ladies, whats going on?" Or something and then they did a U-e, came back and a girl came out the other side and said "Sorry for my horny friend, he just wants to get a girlfriend!" Ahaha it was hilarious. Cept it was really gross when these dirty old men would like look back at you while they're driving, or when really gross guys stare at you and grin stupidly. This one guy drove past once and did that and then drove past again. Sheesh.

We spent some money at the mall, but I felt sort of nervous and gross so I didn't eat anything and didn't exactly make the smartest purchases. I bought a candle (Christ who buys candles, I can just steal them from my basement, but I needed change for the bus fare), the second Rock Against Bush CD and an inflatable chair (furnishings for my storage room, which is in the process of being revamped).

We took the bus to Wolfville. There were a lot of mentally handicapped people on there. This one woman was deaf, I dont count that as a mental handicap but she was really nice. When we got off the bus, well, okay, when it stopped, it started moving backwards when we stood up and we're all like whoooaaa! And then this retarded person yelled out "Sit down in your goddamn seat!" And we're like, what the fuck? And then we got off the bus and laughed.

Hung out and spent some more money... actually, we didn't spend money, but I did get a hemp necklace. I adores it. Then we went to this place to get my eyebrows waxed, but the woman had a fit and said my eyebrows were uneven, and I was like, eh? It was insulting but fucking hilarious at the same time. Theyre not uneven. My nose is just offcentre, Im right youre wrong, bitch.

We went to Tim Hortons, Erica got a doughnut and I downed an Ice Cap. Except she wanted all sprinkles and they only gave her half. "Crissi, theres no sprinkles." ... "I want sprinkles." 'kay. So I walked up to the counter and without looking at the woman, declared 'She wants sprinkles.' They gave me another doughnut, success! But then the supervisor had to come talk to us and wanted to know what was wrong and I really didn't say much, something about not enough sprinkles. Sprinkles.

We walked by these guys like a million times, so eventually we started talking to them for more than an hour (it didn't feel that long), and Erica talked on the phone to a pimp, and I was hideously paranoid so we ran away to Logans house to call her mom to meet us at Tim Hortons, and surprise surprise, the guys were waiting for us there too. One of them asked Erica for a lap dance and she yelled "Disgusting!" Or something, nice and loud.

Thursday, the first time we did the puppet show with Greg since he came back from Vermont. Abscence makes the ... no it doesnt. Friday, more work, except not hard. We laid down in the grass. Poke you with a stick, stop. Just like that song. Just like that stupid song about the grass.

My french relatives have been here since Thursday night. My french grandparents, my cousin Sebastien and my aunt Sylvie. Every night my grandmother made me sing. I was a lot better on the first night in the kitchen because the next day I had been in the pool screaming and drowning and stuff and then I had to sing all quiet and calm and I was like, jumping in the seat. Not of nerves, of annoyance that I was so cold and couldn't sing. Grr.

On Friday we had to do a big staff photo, we did 5 good ones, one stupid one and then one other that I ASSUMED was stupid but it turned out that it wasn't. So I was looking like a moron and pretending to be stoned (which wasn't hard because Im brain retarded) so I just stared at the sky with my eyes open and my jaw dropped, holy crap its HILARIOUS because everyone else was like, looking all pretty and perfect.

Evan came over last night to pick up an acoustic guitar. He was supposed to pay me for it but haha I guess that didn't happen. You owe me 35$, you fuckbag. Haha. We hung around and looked through the toybox and watched the video of Cale and Ben dressed up in my clothes and stuff. And then we hung out with Sebastien.

Going to the cottage tonight for my grandfathers birthday. Im not thrilled, especially because theres a 1:00AM - 1:00PM gig in Kentville with 6 djs and 6 bands and 2 floors and I want to go sooo bad.

anyways I think I have to go now cause mom wants the phone. I'll add a pic of my hair sometime soon once I remember to upload it. <3

x.xAugust 15th, 2004x.x
4:24PM

Finally the fucking Congrès is OVER! This is the worst day of it all for me. The absolute worst.

Had to get up at 5:00AM. I wasnt too pleased about that. Had to sit in a car next to Jean Marc, who was crazy late. I guess it wasnt so bad, the Taking Back Sunday wired to my brain was enough to make me happy. The dark makes me happy. Its amazing how fast the sun rises. You can see it really well out here.

The breakfast this morning wsa terrible. It was cold and I was shivering in my pants (PANTS and I was still cold! Sheesh.) Breakfast was uncooked eggs (well, cooked, but with those SURPRISE! mysterious spots where youd bite into a chunk of white flub). If you dont know, then you SHOULD KNOW: I absolutely HATE raw eggs. HATE THEM! FUCKING HATE THEM TO HELL! Esp. when you think theyre not and then you bite in and you have fucking salmonella in your goddamned mouth. Sorry that they doent really pique my interest, fuckbags, but I HATE uncooked eggs.

The sausage was a sausage and that was bad enough, but the casing was like fucking leather. and the hasbrowns were swimming in a little soupy puddle of artery clogging grease. Gross.

We had to be at our stations at 7:00 and I was selling pamphlets. in the middle of a fucking field. sounds alright, right? A field, kay, cool. No. NOT cool. Picture a huge field surrounded by tents with a big fucking clearing in the middle. And a little freakish girl sitting on a goddamned chair in the middle of the fucking clearing. Holding a stack of books. I felt so stupid and retarded, like some little kid forced to be confined in the corner, except instead i was in the middle of a goddamned field, sitting down in a chair that looked SO out of place while tens of people stared at me from between their cushy little fucking tents. This pissed me off and I mumbled and rambled angrily to myself about having the fucking stupidest job in the entire fucking world. Sell pamphlets? TO WHOM?!? There was no one in the fucking field for the three hours I was stationed there. Not one person walked by. Not even staff of volunteers. So fucking stupid.

Then it occured to me that I had no clue where I had put my lunchbox, went to the Boutique to try to find meal coupons off Darlene, the Boutique manager. She wouldnt give me any, apparently they were only for Volunteers. Then I had to steal away my dads meal coupon tickets, and get in a line (even though at this point I had already wasted 10 minutes of an - originally - 30 minute lunch break). Then I discovered what I was waiting in line for was sold out, and all that was left was nasty gross spicey barf flavored Cajun food. So I have back the tickets, took the car keys and speed walked over to the parkinglot down the road. When I opened the car, I could not find my freaking purse to get my debit card. COULD NOT find it. I looked around and then flung myself in the backseat and swore and cried for a nice bit until I remembered the hatch in the back of the trunk, -there- was my fucking purse, thank you fucking mom, I wasted another ten minutes getting to the car and crying in the backseat.

Walked over to the little Peach Tree Café type ice cream store thing and fought through an enormous crowd of people and picked out Honey Roasted peanuts, a can of Pepsi and Doritos chips. Should have just shoplifted, but I waited and paid. And as I finished my fucking meal I realized that I had left my goddamned lunch in the fucking puppet show cart. I walked back to where my dad had been (but was no longer there) so I could give back the keys, and about three police officers saw me stop dead in the middle of a crowd, mouth the word 'What?' with a pissed off confused look on my face and then say 'Fuck!' Nice and clear and loud and walk in the opposite direction.

We had to do the puppet show and I had to pee. An hour straight of two shows back to back, in the sweltering heat in jeans and a baggy t-shirt staring into the sun. God.

Atleast I got to see the Mass and the Closing Ceremonies.. from about halfway across the park. I got to once again be in the same area as the Prime Minister. stupid nasty bloke he is. There were so many people, there have never been that many people at this park. I felt really sad when this group of like 250 kids came in, all the girls looking beautiful and there were SO many hot guys! And I was all sweaty and gross and without makeup, desperately trying to get people to buy pamphlets, oh embarassing.

Then we got to pick up garbage after everyone left, which all on its own was so gross, then you throw in about a half a ton of chewed up Cajun sausage and you lose just about any respect you had for those smelly Cajun foods. Ugh. And those American Pigs. Theres a fucking GARBAGE CAN right fucking THERE! Do we have to draw maps on your fucking tables to the goddamned garbage can? Seriously, I went through two fucking huge garbage bags just clearing off about seventeen tables. It was so fucking sick. It made me incredibly sad. And incredibly fucking sick. Plus there were hornets or wasps or whatever the fuck, which I didnt notice until I realized I was standing in a nice fucking little cloud of what I had assumed were house flies until I took a closer fucking look. Christ, so many people must have thought I was fucking mad. running in fucking circles and swatting and their fat air. Goddamnit. Goddamnit I hate hornets. Wasps. Whatever the fuck they are, I hate hate hate hate hate them.

And Ive been at work for... going on eleven hours in the next fifteen minutes. Mom, where the fuck are you. Goddamnit, why does she have to be such a little moronic turd? Shes such a goddamned work-a-holic. Go fucking home already or Im going to piss all over your goddamned office. Tomorrow Im not working. Finally. Today was an angry day. I hate today so bad. I would have hated it even more if he was here. Why wasn't he here?

Atleast we got to eat the Prime Ministers left overs from his snack. It was like the most exquisite food I have ever seen in my life. Little tarts and strudels and cheese cake and perfectly cut cookies and muffins and crust-less watermellon slies and blueberries the size of grapes. With snacks like that, I wont be surprised if Paul Martin ends up obese. Not like I like him much anyway. Course, I dont feel that bad about it, it could be worse, he could be Bush. I pity America. Stupid nasty Bush. Stupid nasty Cajun food. Stupid messy americans.

x.xAugust 13th, 2004x.x
5:19PM

Only two more days and the Congrès Mondial Acadien 2004 will finally be OVER! Phew! man. Today I had to fill in for Greg in the puppet show. It was a good change of pace but Im not used to holding my arms straight in the air for half an hour straight twice. (Ow.)

I forgot to say, on Monday (the 9th?), Live at Five came to the park to do part of their show on all the things happening in Grand Pré. They wanted to do an interview with us, the puppeteers. Mind you, Monday was a terrible day for me full of tears and ripe with rage. So I wanted to leave, leave this fucking place with a trail of sticky notes with things like "Why dont you just go fuck her?" written on them all over the staff room. But I stayed and blah.

The interviewers name was Mariana Bachinsky or however you spell it... She is SUCH a skankwad! She had this red transparent shirt on with like a black bra sticking out, and those perfectly bleached white teeth that just scream Look-no-panty-line! So she asks Greg and Nick and Jenny a TON of questions about the puppet show and then she goes to me and asks, So youre the puppeteers. Its like, Uhh DUH what do you think we are? Fucking NASA spies sent to enslave your country, bitch? My dad said he was surprised I didnt say anything smart to her. I should have. I should have mouthed off at her on live fucking TV and told her to invest in a pair of proper underwear. Bitch.

Last Night I was up until like 1AM on Yahoo with Jeff and some Ultimate Guitar people. Theyre pretty fucking rad. It was definitely amusing, seeing as I was planning on leaving at 11 and obviously stuck around a while. His friend Andrew has the best emo voice. Every time he sings I just think that anyone with a voice like that deserves some serious action. Its amusing.

Well I bet Gregs just off having a fucking blast in Vermont at that Phish concert shit. Stupid lucky little cunt, getting away from the three busiest days of the Congrès and making me take over his roles. I bet hes out there with his hippie girlfriend. yeah. Whatever.

Rememeber the thing about the little StaffRoom Poet deal? i left a cute little poem on the table on Wednesday night (purposely)... I didnt think anyone would see it or read it... theyd just be all oh look paper and throw it out. (No one reads poetry. Waste of time) But about three people came up to me and said something about it. Like, Nice Poem or I found that thing you wrote on the floor or theyd just call me the staffrooms youngest poet. Haha, Joseph was all, Yeah, we were wondering who that was. It was a mystery. I guess I should have made the clues harder. haha. Id make a wink face here but this french keyboard stuff sort of blows.

Last night I got dropped off in Wolfville, went around and wasted money. I rode the bus for the first time (Ive taken a school bus but duh, thats obviously not what Im talking about). It took so freakin long... but then again its not like I had much to do anyway. Wolfville always depresses me when I drive through it alone. Or walk through it alone. I was like dressed in jeans and a dirty work shirt with messed up hair that hadnt been washed in two days all alone and you see like a squillion little scrawny bitches with the pretty smoky sunglasses and perfectly applied lipgloss, tanktop with the brastraps sticking out and the pleated minis, fancy buckles on their fucking purse with all their friends and their boyfriends and their skateboards. Morons. Fuck you all. to hell with you and all your friends.

I saw this one girl in the Pizza store that looked so much like Namori. Or what I thought Namori would look like. She had super straight perfect dark brown hair, really dark skin, and that Korean look, she was definitely Asian atleast. And she had a red ornamental flower (one like youd wrap around a ponytail) on her wrist and a black tanktop with the pink (or was it red?) strap of her bra sticking out and a jean pleated mini. She was with these two little blonde girls, maybe she was babysitting, whoever she was, she just reminded me of Nami. It was weird. I havent written Nami in ages...

x.xAugust 10th, 2004x.x
7:00PM

The second volume of the Rock Against Bush CD comes out today! Whoo whoo, enjoy enjoy. I dont have it yet but I'll promenade out to the mall sometime and pick it up. I went to Zellers today and bought this big disc shaped chair thing that I adore, its blue and comfy and I sit in it and play emo songs on guitar.

I spent lots of money last night. I bought a purse (now that I have a debit card, might as well have something pretty to stick it in), a poncho (because its pink and soft and beeeaaautiful), a Sum 41 poster (cause I was too cheap to buy it at the concert), 12 blank cds (cause Jeffs been nagging me to burn him one in exchange for one), flip flops with lady bugs on them (that I saw in the June 2004 issue of YM magazine, anything in that magazine that I can find in reality is piss amazing), and the beginning of my school supplies. I also got this pretty orange and white haltery type shirt that I adore because it makes me think of orange Campinos. Christ I havent had Campinos in a long time.

Today was a bizarre day. Barbara LeBlanc came in and wanted to do an Acadian Dance Seminar, so my group (Me, Nick, Jenny, Greg and Jean Marc) ended up being her victims of the day, so she taught us the dances and we helped teach people in her seminars. I bought ice cream and we played tic tac toe in the ice cream parlor. Then I wrote emo poetry in the staff room and was considering leaving it there but decided not to.

I think Im going to start, on a daily basis, leaving freakish dark emo poetry on the staff room table signed "With love from the staffroom poet." They might think its Blanca because shes an actual poet, but psshaw we all know Im better.

Translation:
why dont you just go fuck her? Summer dies and so do we. Im looking back with regrets in my eyes. How long did I think I could take it? guilt and jealousy, washing over me. why dont you just go fuck her? I'll never stop, you'll never stop until the day the curtains close the final time. So many reminders, so many solutions to perpetuate the problem. where you are is no place where I should be, how can this be so wrong when there are no clouds in the sky? If this isnt right, dont leave me hanging. why dont you just go FUCK HER?
with love from the staffroom poet

x.xAugust 7th, 2004x.x
5:17PM

Ew ew ew EW I just ate a totally nasty grape. See, I thought maybe the brown-ness would give it flavor but instead it tasted like licking the dirt off fresh carrots and it was just raunchy. I had to stuff my mouth with proper grapes to make it more manageable... I couldnt spit it out, not here in my mothers office at work. She has this issue about rotting food making her office smell bad.

So once again shes not leaving and its past five. I guess if I wanted to I could work overtime but I dont really feel like it today. Especially since theres not a lot going on. It was raining for most of the day so we didnt think that we were going to do the puppet show but we ended up doing it anyway indoors, like half an hour late. Jean Marcs family was there and his little cousine refers to me as the "Flute Girl." How cool is that!

I called a bunch of people today to see if someone would want to work doing parking here at Grand Pre on Monday and Tuesday. If I hadnt asked Sam first, I was thinking I could get Jeff and Daniel to do it, or Jeff and Alex. But then Danielle called in and said she could do it too, so Im hoping that Danielle and Sam dont get too bored out there. I have to call her back tonight and give her more specific details... I told them that they were getting paid but all of a sudden Im not sure. My mother will know, I guess I'll wait until we get home to call them back.

Today I added a new poem to the Poetry section. Its called Where You'll Be. I know the name sounds tacky and cliché, but dont judge until youve read it. I think its quite possibly the best thing Ive ever written. Its really personal... but at the same time, its sort of spinning one situation into one a lot deeper than it really is (or is it?). Its not intended to be a poem. Its a song. Im working on writing it all out... Its really simple chords with capo on the 7th fret. (High up, yes I know, but it makes it sound much different.)

Anyways I think mom might be coming back now. If shes not, well, tough cookies, Im gonna surf the net anyway.

x.xAugust 6th, 2004x.x
5:04PM

Hey! Oh man, do I ever hate french keyboards. This is my mom's computer. Im sitting in her office. Its quitting time but shes not really back yet... sometimes shes slow or ends up working overtime. The last time I updated my site with a french keyboard was from the teachers computer at school. I hope this doesnt have the same consequences as that did... I dont know if my mother ever really found out why I got in so much trouble for that, but it was never a huge ass deal anyway.

Today the weather was nasty and I was half thinking that it would rain on the puppet show. This guy with really dark skin and nice eyes from Louisiana (Im so sure that I spelled that wrong) was talking to me and Jennie when we were working at the entrance (greeting people in Acadian costume) and he gave me his AIM handle and his email address. Haha.

Yeah, Ive been in the Acadian costume about six or seven hours every day I work lately. In the morning I work at the entrance greeting people, and then in the afternoon I need the costume while I do the music for the puppet show. It drives me mad, the things that people say. I love when they act like Im beautiful, its such a good job for people who need an ego boost because people are always telling you how great you look, but people ask the same questions: Are those comfortable? (The wooden shoes that I wear.) And the answer is always the same. Some other interesting comments include:

'Nice beetle crushers.'
'Dont light a match!'
'Look out for the termites.'

But then theres cool people too. One lady gave Jennie and I a dollar each for posing with her in a picture. And this other guy bowed to me once. Plus on occasion theres the random not-so-miserable looking guy that shows up, but you have to wonder what a person with looks like that is doing, wasting their time at Grand Pre.

Moms back, gotta go.

x.xAugust 5th, 2004x.x
6:15PM

happy birthday to Greg today. Not like he reads this thing anyway. Not like he's sitting at home infront of a fucking computer screen reading the pathetic ramblings of me, of course not me. Ah forget it. I beat myself up too much anyway for pride.

On the 3rd, I was walking around work in my Acadian costume and these girls from CBC asked me to do this little thing with them at the old Orchard Inn at 6:30. So I got my mom to come with and two of my friend's sisters and we all dressed up as Acadians and they filmed us acting Acadian out in the orchard. They found three girls from the Inn as well and Jean Marc, one of the guys I work with, went there too.

So we got to take off our socks and run around barefoot. They made sure we didn't have any watches or bracelets or jewelery on.

So they shot some footage of us doing stuff. My friend's sisters, Kelsey and Joanna, sat by this apple tree and picked flowers. I played with ants and this strangely fun green bug (named Angelina Jolie - dont ask why, Im not quite sure) and fake flirted with Jean Marc. I was wishing it was someone else. But oh fuck all nevermind.

They paid me fifty bucks so it was all worth it. My mom only got 45... they seemed to have a really fucked up system of payment. They just randomly handed out envelopes with random amounts of money in them. I thought I had only gotten 25$, because one of the girls had had that much in her envelope, but I was piss surprised when I got home and saw that I had double that.

So I went home and went swimming and enjoyed my wonderful evening, called the boy and went to sleep and that was my day, marvellous and oh joy that was my day.

And I'll be damned if I can remember what happened yesterday. I worked, thats all.

Today was weird. I sort of think. No, I feel that it was weird but for no particular reason. I guess distances are weird that way. How can you not notice? I cry to you all for being blind. When I was afraid, why didn't anybody notice? I'm not scared anymore and I wish I was. I should be scared. Because I'm going to lose everything I worked for. And it won't be worth it when I'm lonely come September.

Excuse me whilst I go write emo songs in a dark corner and cry for a few hours.

Cause.all.of.the.stars.
have.faded.away
just.try.not.to.worry
you'll.see.them.someday
take.what.you.need
and.be.on.your.way
and.stop.crying.your.heart.out....

x.xAugust 2nd, 2004x.x
3:57PM

I added two new thingies to the MSN Blobs page. I also added two new links to the music section of the Links page. Theyre for..

How To Dress Emo A website sent to me by John Cann when I said I was emo. Haha. I guess I'm not, but theres definitely some good stuff on here, including the Emo Band Name Generator and the Emo Purity Test.
GiverHard.com Supporting all ages music since 1999. This website shows all the times and places for local gigs and includes information on the bands, how much the shows cost and even has a player featuring songs by the bands (including my fave, The No Slugs, frontman: Skinny Boy).

x.xAugust 2nd, 2004x.x
11:04PM

I just updated the Special Thanks section, if you'd like to pop on over and see if you're mentioned. If not, and youd like to be, write me an email and I swear I'll add you, even if you're from fucking Antarctica or something. Haha.

Today I learned that Mme MacLeod isn't teaching at our school again next year! NOO! I loved her! We should all write her crying letters about how I have cancer and my dying wish is for you to teach grade ten french immersion and grade ten histoire ancienne. She did all this wicked stuff last year and brought them to see Troy and we were going to write letters to celebrities in French class... aw shit. Doesn't that just suck? *cries*

Today is my last day off of this little two day thing going on here. Tomorrow we have to work again. I bet you the sun will come out tomorrow after two days of fucking hiding and then it'll burn down on me. I have to dress up like an Acadian when I'm working at the park and you have to wear three layers and three pairs of wool socks so you fit into the wooden shoes.

I look wicked cool today. Yesterday I curled my hair and it looked so fabulous. Heres a picture of how cool I looked last night: (I was horribly sad that I didn't go anywhere so no one got to see how fucking pretty I looked.)

I'm adding this picture and others to the Photo Album page.

x.xAugust 1st, 2004x.x
3:38PM

I updated the About Me page.

x.xAugust 1st, 2004x.x
9:39AM

Happy Lammas. I wish I still knew what Lammas is. I never have time to practice my religion anymore. Or maybe I'm just too tired. They say I quit everything I start, and maybe they're right.

Friday was a good day. Jennie, Nick, Greg and I all went to the beach on our lunch break. We were gonna go to Evangeline beach but the tide was so high that there that the water was up to the rocks. So we kept driving until we got to this grassy part and ran over to the beach. Some people were actually fishing, and catching stuff too. We all eventually got in the water (and went under, too!). The water wasn't actually too bad, but we were all shivering. And I kept losing my flip flops. I had to wear them into the water because there were too many rocks. Ouch.

Then we had to stay at work on Friday until 8:00 because there was a meeting that started at 6:00. We had to work an extra half an hour anyway because of our long lunch break, so we stayed at work until 6:00 (except for Jennie, who lives really close by so she just ran home and showered). There was Pizza, and I complained much of my boredom to Greg.

We had to drive Greg home after the meeting and we were going up some street in Wolfville and I saw a whole group of people I knew from school walking around. Charlotte, Jessica, Kristen, Reid (with his skateboard in one arm and the other around Charlotte) and some other guy I didn't really recognize. Then I saw some more guys I recognized from school. I wanted so bad for my mom to let me out of the car so I could hang out with Kristen and Jessica and Charlotte but of course, that wouldn't happen. "How would you get home?" She says.

So when I do get home, I call all of my friends and surprise surprise, no answers anywhere. So that, my friends, (or are you?) was really depressing.

Last night was by far the worst. For starters, I ended up getting at work at 8:30 in the morning instead of 9:00 because yesterday, July 31st, was the first day of the World Acadian Congress (which is the reason for the big nasty meeting the night before). But actually, nobody showed up. We rented a whole sound system for the opening of this outdoor art exposition, but no one actually came to the opening so the same guy is coming back tomorrow to try again. I got to meet the guy doing the sound system, Donny. He's a friend of my dad's, and they both went out playing guitar at a bar on Friday night. He had his guitar with him and asked me to play a little something.

So when he left the tent for a second I started singing. *shakes her head* I was so NERVOUS! Probably because Greg, Nick and Jean Marc were sitting in the chairs we'd all set up around the stage. I was terrified, I was shaking fucking full over in my chair. Doing anything musical infront of Gregory Burton, who is a fucking musical PRODIGY, makes me unbelievably antsy. Sheesh, but then they all left halfway through the song (nazis!) so I loosened up muchly. But then I felt guilty that I'd spent about half an hour talking to Donny while the rest of the group was off working, so I walked out of the tent and then ran everywhere trying to find people.

After working an hour overtime with my mom, I got home by about 6:30 and tried to call Micheala. I'd talked to her the night before and we'd mentioned her coming over for a sleepover, and blah blah blah. But apparently she had plans to see a movie with Becky already. She called my house at 1:00 on Saturday about it, but no DUH, I was at work. When I finally did get home and called her, I got a busy signal (as fucking usual) and then her dad again ten minutes later, who informed me that she had already gone out to the movies.

I was pretty angry. She hadn't even given me a chance to get home from work before she made up her mind. She sees this Becky girl all the time, volunteering at this camp or something about camp, I dont fucking know. I've seen her once in the last two months, and I HARDLY would even consider it selfish of me to want to spend a little time with her before she moves a way for-fucking-ever. Yes, everyone! My best friend is moving. Maybe it's just easier to be mad at her because then I dont have to cry my face off when she leaves.

So that, to all you who have been asking, is the reason why my MSN name happens to be "I will never fucking call you again."

Its kind of grey and nasty today. I feel a bit sad that I didn't go in swimming yesterday when the weather was really nice. I spent most of the night on the internet, talking about Micheala to pretty much anyone who would listen and now I feel sort of trashy, like a mind-whore who lets anybody in. I think I'm going to work for two hours today to face paint little kids. I'm going to see if I can get someone to join me, but I think Meghan's busy with the Ross Creek festival thing this weekend. There's still Erica or Carey.

Cause you know Micheala's probably off doing something fabulous.