February 27th, 2005
11:11AM

AAAAHHHHHH!!!! Nervous excited rangy! And listening to the blood brothers, Love Rhymes With Hideous Car Wreck. <3 <3 <3 that song never gets dull. i should burn a CD before we leave.

yesss today we leave for cuba! Ah. and im so nervous. I havent flown since I was eight. I was never really afraid of planes as a kid. Then again, I didn't have any ideas about planes CRASHING or being HIJACKED. And, I also hadn't read about 50 Stephen King short stories. Some of which where the people on the plane all spontaneously combust and disappear if they're not asleep when the plane passes through this certain thingy in the atmosphere. Or where the plane crashes and the guy has to live all alone on this island but he's a surgeon so he amputates his LIMBS AND EATS THEM UNTIL HE GOES CRAZY.

cough cough.

We're leaving in less than three hours. I think I've packed everything. By the way. If I die, or something, or if you hear on the news that some plane crashed and I NEVER come back to school. Assume me dead, but avenge my death. and when you clear out all my possessions, my dmusic password is written oh the wall behind my Orlando Bloom poster.

And the combination to my locker is... wait, you dont need to know that one.

anyways I think I'm done here. peaches and cream. Im out.

February 23rd, 2005
5:09PM

today was a weird day. it felt like another friday. every day this week feels like a friday. i'm tired of always writing poetry about other people and never me, but I guess i'm just too cliché to merit any artistic attention when I'm so busy making all the hits instead of taking them.

and then i got home and it all went to shit. i have disowned my brother. i will never refer to him as relation to me henceforth. i declare it on my site so that you will read this and understand. he is disgusting, and vile, and creepy and perverse. and whoever you are, stay the fuck away from him. he is a waste of oxygen.

and ... ugh. so many things to say that cant be said on the internet

i cannot wait to go on vacation next week and escape this hellhole. i'm going to make a close journal and post it up here when I'm done so you can see everything I've done and been thinking. primarily for my own interest and the interest of those three people who actually make hits on this website.

and so keeping those three in mind I have to say. that i really hate when people say they'll be back, and then never do. but i guess im supposed to understand, and to an extent I do. but i take everything the wrong way, and so today i understand that I am foolish and immature and constantly dreaming. and when I walk down stairs im wishing with my hand sliding along the banister that my pants were a blood red dress and my shirt was a casual ornamental scarf. and that i was walking to and not away from you. im so bleeding immature. so I'm done embarassing myself now. life is a pile of... wasted resources.

February 22nd, 2005
11:12PM

Hey! I'm grounded from the internet, as of the last time I posted here, Friday. So I dont really know when I'm going to be getting back on the internet, excluding this. I dont know how I'm on it... no one has yelled at me and I've been on for an hour now. Maybe my parents have gone soft. Oh well, I had a french paper to do, and plus Im such a total joy to be around that my parents can let me break the "rules" for now.

I added two new songs to my dmusic site. One is an old one, and one is a new one. Listen to Kiss Out The Lights. Thats the new one. So. click! and GO NOW!

February 18th, 2005
10:23PM

Well, babysitting tonight went a lot faster than expected. Which is a little unfortuante, I'm always looking for money, now that I'm out of steady employment. I might be able to go back to doing weekends at the park, but that'll be in May... and... its February. -_-;; But the night was good. The kids went to bed pretty well.

And things I hate today also include my brother, who is in the room watching TV with his girlfriend on the couch, and I can almost see them in my peripheral vision, and so I'm turning my whole body away. Ick yuck gross. I keep randomly hearing saliva. Theyre so gross! I'm in the fucking ROOM, goddamnit. People I hate. = them. Fuck you, David.

February 18th, 2005
4:26PM

Whoa, Sorry for my severe lack of updates. I've been going crazy. Mostly I just work on my dmusic site now. I'm realy impressed with the number of hits it's been getting.

Today was a horrible day. There was much face-smashing-into-desks and more plans falling out (god, that always depresses me). Unfortunately, my babysitting plans still stand, so tonight I get the great honor of changing diapers, AKA wiping/wrapping ass. There was also much wasting of trees and paper. And all technology seemed to hate me. Plus I SO don't need that stupid glare walking to the bus. Excuse me, bitch, you're the girl that NOBODY wants here. Yankee-go-home.

or, bitch go home. whatever you prefer.

This weekend if David, like, leaves the house for a long stretch of time, I'm going to try to record better versions of some songs... like Fall Easy, Fall Hard. And Four Capsules. I don't really have any new songs or anything to record, but meh. I dont know. I do what I can...

Today some asshole decided to light up on the fucking bus. If you're reading this, I want to take that burning cigarette and bury it in your eyesocket until your MEMBRANES MELT. I can't stand those assholes. Nothing proves you SHOULDNT EVEN BE AT SCHOOL like your SEVERE disability at going TEN FUCKING MINUTES without a cigarette. Everybody fucking knows that you're going to die at age 33 of lung cancer, why do you have to drag everybody else down with you? to hell with that, why do you have to waste your time and your teacher's time attending school classes when you're going to die before having ever accomplished anything with your life? you might as well quit while you're ahead and connect yourself to life support now. So thank you, you son of a bitch asshole, for taking ten minutes off of my life span with your shitty smoking habits and desperate longing to be popular. Fuck you.

February 13th, 2005
12:45PM

Hey! Happy Day-Before-Valentine's-Day day! I dont think I'm going to do anything for valentines day... I should probably be making mixtapes though. I need to make three. One for Meghan, one for Carey and one for Sam. Those are my "valentines." Haha. And then Of course, Valentines for everybody else who already has mix tapes from me.

I've spent the weekend recording and uploading songs. And trying to decorate my storage room, which I fear will take forever. The walls are all "third grade", they're painted to look like the outside from an 8-year-old's perspective, possibly because I painted them when I was eight. They're all, blue skies, purple flowers, butterflies, a big tree and a fingerpainted cat. and there's a sun painted around the light bulb. I might leave that in there, cause its really immature and cute looking.

I've put all my music up on dmusic under Save September. I was sort of thinking how this guy in Texas put his music up there. So I somehow ended up recording songs this weekend and a few people wanted to hear them... dmusic is just so freakin' convenient. <3 <3

February 11th, 2005
8:04PM

Happy Sex Faerie Day. Practice Safe Sex!

I really enjoyed the double takes I got, walking around school with a pair of wings tied to my back. People spin around and go, what the hell? Haha it makes me laugh. <3 My wings actually turned out pretty good. I had to use red and green sparkles, though, so they looked kinna christmasy. I made them with green coat hangers and tan panty hose. I curved the coat hangers to make the right shape, then pulled the panty hose over them. Then I found this fluffy lemur thing I made in fourth grade and I used the fur around the edges of the wings.

Then I used more fur to cover my white sandal heel thingies and put little red hearts on them. And I made a wand out of colored pencils, white paper, a holographic christmas box, and stuck a condom on the front. It was awesome.

it occurs to me how pathetic it is that I am writing out details on how to make faerie wings, shoes and wands. My life has hit new lows. mwahaaha.

I have this crazy bio test on Wednesday. my brain will explode. Its on vocabulary, and becaus we're in advanced, we have to define all of the words. So now I have to spend my weekend making flash cards and memorizing definitions. -_-;; As you can tell, this is apt to make me incredibly content. Oh well. I can study inbetween commercials tomorrow afternoon.

Well I dont have much to say.

February 10th, 2005
4:13PM

tomorrow I'm going to school as a sex faerie. I have to make some wings tonight. they'll probably turn out like shit, but thats ok, I guess. I dont know. I'll probably just sit around playing emo songs, listening to records and watching the OC.

there is free bowling tonight but I dont think I'm going. well actually really its depending one person, but I dont really even know if they can go, but it doesnt matter anyway, they probably wouldnt want to hang out with me.

theres a dance tonight but over my dead body would I attend. I'm tired of spending nights having to watch my back and catching dirty looks.

today in the cafeteria they auctioned off grade 12s for the dance as dates. somebody bid three cents on a girl. that's so incredibly rude and demeaning, goddamnit. People can be so fucking evil. i personally hope that guy gets beat up tonight.

staring at all the people leaning over the balcony and everybody crowded into horton hall, I couldn't help but think that it would be the perfect opportunity for someone suicidal to jump off the balcony. the part where nobody was, directly above the elevated stage thing. I didn't have a gun though. if I had a gun, nobody could talk me out of it, or they'd be talking into a bullet. so we emoed in the band room foor a while. yey.

February 9th, 2005
4:47PM

All I can say, is SIGH,

when the CORONER does my autopsy, as requested in my suicide note, I will force him to run tests on every fucking STD in the book and mail it to that girl's house with photocopies of every page I wrote.

so yeah, as you can tell, today was awesome, cant wait to go back tomorrow

February 8th, 2005
5:30PM

Ack, my basement is incredibly cold. I have turned the heat up but to no avail, my legs are still cold cold cold.

MSN has stopped working. I got some shitty letter in my inbox about how apparently my account is going to be "deactivated" because I haven't provided proper fucking billing information. Billing information? Hotmail is fucking FREE. God. So I sent them a nice polite letter, calmly expressing my outrage that they should be demading payment for free services. I also requested that they tell me exactly where it said in the Terms of Agreement that I am supposed to pay to have an account. I kept it all nice and under control, except above my name, I signed, "Fuck you."

I am in an incredibly agitated mood. I'm cold and constantly shaking so that doesn't improve much, and MSN's inability to log me on incenses me further. I almost dare my mother to pick at me and see what happens.

I'm convinced that life at Horton High becomes more and more difficult. My classes don't feel at my level much at all... French class is fucked up because we're not actually learning FRENCH, we're learning about the fucking Rebellion of Lower Canada in 1837. Tell me, how does THAT improve my ability to conjugate verbs? Godadmnit. Then English is a complete insult to my intelligence, I just want to jump ontop of the fucking desk in my deep brown boots and start screaming. I dont know at what. Maybe at Mr. Bennett for spending fifteen minutes talking to us about the proper use of possessive apostrophes. Maybe at the people in the class for being insolent and ignorant enough to REQUIRE a lecture on the proper use of apostrophes. I mean, we're in tenth fucking grade, for christ's sake, one would EXPECT that you would know where you don't put apostro-fucking-phes by now.

And then Biologie makes me a little bit crazy because it's so complex. I mean, I had assumed it would be like English biology, just, in French. But I forgot the rule of thumb - Every teacher teaching a french class automatically assumes that you've got an IQ of 195 to even consider taking an immersion course. So the workload is five times worse (for the IQ five times higher than that of your typical english student).

Then I had to be stupid enough to think, well, all Biology is is plant matter and ecosystem shit. Sure, I can take advanced, so what, we'll just learn the latin names of ferns, what the fucking hell, why not. Unfortunately, now we're learning about the structures of monosaccharides and how to make disaccharides, stuff on amino acides and lipides and protiens. I mean, probably quite basic stuff, but those diagrams of the structure of all the molecules really makes me want to go into convulsions.

Car Vie is a huge ass class and we always end up working in shitty groups of 8 or 9 people, where no one can effectively make their opinions heard or get anything really constructive done. Its got about 35 people in it, and is overall a disgustingly large class. I can't wait until its done.

There's a dance on Thursday but I'll probably sit at home playing guitar and looking at the bright lights of Horton from my damn dark windowsill. I hate the social life, I hate these ideas these people come up with. I swear, I just hate this term so badly, that to fucking hell with waiting for this semester to be over. I can't wait for this whole school bullshit to be over with.

So, now you can effectively see what I've been thinking for the day. Well, my general attitude - I have spared you the more specific things that are making me want to lean over and vomit my nervous guts out. Or, lean over and bash my face into the wall. Thats right, beat MYSELF up. So I can finally get it over with. I would rather have my fucking guts bashed out than to go through another fucking term constantly worrying about WHEN I'm going to get my ass kicked.

And you know what the cherry on the fucking ice cream cone is?

When my stupid brother and his girlfriend sit DIRECTLY infront of me on the bus. DIRECTLY IN FRONT! I mean, the bus isn't even HALF full at this point and theres PLENTY of other completely empty fucking seats. But NO, NO, they HAVE to sit right infront of me.

This would not ordinarly be a problem. I mean, even if I didn't liked the girl to the necessary certain degree of acceptancy (oh wait, I forgot, that's right, I DONT like her, but that's not important. She's my brother's girlfriend, not mine), this wouldnt be much of a problem. However, it really made my day fucking SHINE when they started making out. They sit like with their faces three inches from each other for easy fucking access, I suppose, and then just constantly keep snogging. And in the middle of conver-fucking-sation, too. God! They're so disgusting! Are they ever NOT GOING AT IT?

And Im saying this on my website, yes, on the big ass world wide fucking web, because I don't care. And they obviously don't, either, because they're the biggest public fucking display of affection that I've ever seen. It clearly reflects the, shall we say to put it lightly, "difficulty of emotional availability and attainability" of both parties. And if you're reading this, David, you asshole, I don't give a fuck. You cant expect everyone to go, "aww how cute" when you feel the need to slobber all over her freakin' face in EVERY spare second you've got.

so yeah. I'm disgusted. this term blows, this house blows. I cant wait to go to fucking leave in a few weeks. God.

February 5th, 2005
10:25PM

Well, my computer died yesterday. Which was one of the reasons why my post was so short, the other one being that I was a little bit distracted with the idea that I was going to be disowned. Both of these problems have been fixed. My brother slaved away on the computer until two in the afternoon and reformatted the whole damned thing. I cried enough about the guitar that dad seemed to realize how horrible I felt about destroying his beautiful property.

So today I guess I'm doing better. My arm is still a little crazy from getting a booster shot in the last week. My head is killing me on occasion, it seems everyday I have to load my system full of ibuprofen to combat it. Its like this crazy whump-whump-whump sensation in my brain. I really need to get that meningitis vaccine before I go crazy thinking that I have it.

Anyways I think I'm off now. I bought some new comp books today, so I have much emo writing to attend to.

February 4th, 2005
5:52PM

New month, new updates page. You can view all the old ones from January 2005 in the Archives section.

Plus the MSN Blobs page has been updated recently.

Same thing with new posts to the Guestbook.

Well I'm going to go die now. I have dinged my fathers 1000$ guitar on a door upon walking through it. I shall never forgive myself.