okay so i didn't eat healthy, even though my lunch was an awesome lettuce/cheese/ham/toasted sandwich and a bowl of grapes. i then progressed to eat macdonalds fries and jelly bellies (they came free in the mail...).
I went to New Minas Elementary School today because I had they day off school. I went around 1:00 to help my mom. She's an educative assistant. The kids were just doing crafts, they had to color a scarecrow and cut him out and then pin his arms and legs to his body with those little pins that make the limbs move.
and there was a little boy there that my mom said made her think of daniel, and I agreed. he has dark brown hair and its kind of wavyish and long. and he wears these long khaki short things and stuff and i dont know. the kids stared at me a lot. that boy stared at me a lot.
my mom was mean to a girl in her class, the girl wanted a hug and my mom told her no, you dont deserve a hug, you werent nice today. because the girl was talking to me instead of coloring her scarecrow, wtf mom, because its really impossible to color and talk at the same time? maaaannn. so mean.
we picked david up in middleton, we stopped on the way at two frenchys. i found two pairs of pants, seven shirts, a scarf and a robert plant tape. <3
9:28PM
ajakfgusa this month went by toooo fast. way too fast, wtf, it feels like I've been in school for three days. I hope this entire year does NOT do this. this is scary.
but on the bright side it will soon be autumn, and I love autumn. I think I will eat nothing but healthy foods today and then go for a walk. maybe to the park, or maybe to that coffee place that I like if I can find some cash.
things i have consumed today: (i will try to keep track.)
- piece of whole wheat toast
- little container of apple/vanilla yogurt <3
- green tea.
September 28th, 2005
7:11PM
do you ever get those days where you wonder why you try? this was one of them. blood to face. combination of many things. opening the windows won't fix it. maybe i will pass out on the back lawn. it will be like donnie darko when i wake up.
it is difficult to bond while peeling the skin off chicken. it is strange to be forced into making dinner with your mother when you are both infuriated with each other. but in the end it worked out fine, and i somehow won my argument.
but lost the point.
i sat in horton hall at recess (i never do). i drew pictures of spiders. little sketchy spiders exploding from an eye that was half covered in a look somewhat dark and skeptical. one of those calculating expressions that seem to make you bleed internally. it was immediately reflected in the faces of the girls who sat at the end of the table and happened to glance at my drawing. knew they were looking. that made it worse.
the bell went, i folded it up and left it there.
if you are not of great intimidation or popularity i must advise against sitting in horton hall, as they will pull your chair out on you and stuff sunflower seeds down your shirt.
the people outside stop to stare as i pour diet coke and love into the bushes. the people on the street stop to take morbid interest in two car collisions to have stories to tell in the evening.
how would you like to have your facial imprint on your windsheild?
and how would you like to be the shattered glass.
September 27th, 2005
4:44PM
I saw two crows perched on a wire. faces turned together. silent with plumage shining.
a meaningful look.
they turn to watch as the cars roll steadily past, their bodies silhouettes of something more beautiful, drawn in purple crayon against the grey autumn sky.
I always thought she was pretty. why didn't I tell her? she starved herself this summer.
September 26th, 2005
8:25PM
last night I had this dream that for some reason we had lost all electricity, water, all our ressources in new minas. and the local authorities were focused on hooking shit up. but while they were doing that, mad amounts of crimes were being committed. I was beat up and locked in my house. and we kept the blinds closed and one time when I had to go downstairs only to go to the bathroom I looked out the front door through the blinds. and I saw the jeep that the guy who beat me up had driven. And I could see that there was a girl in another car just down the street. And the guy looked at her and didn't see me. I knew if he saw me looking he would hurt me again. But he was focused on her, and I saw her accelerate. I knew he would too. He was evil. and the police were occupied.
and then I realized I had overslept by about 45 minutes.
tomorrow is early morning band. I think I will do laundry. and then look at recipes. (...) and then... play with blank tapes. in hopes of producing.
something beautiful.
oh gosh and when he laughs...
September 25th, 2005
2:14PM
I walked 8km yesterday! And I had coffee at the Cobblestone cafe wif the boy. It was expensive but they make good lattés. And then I saw a car accident on the way home and I stopped so I could be an innocent bystander.
in MacDonalds I got some water and then I put a peta "I Am Not A Nugget" sticker on the wall after reading my comp book and left. and then I had Meghan and Carey over and we drank coffee with ice cream in it.
I only have enough stuff left for one more cup of coffee. omggg
but I must go now. ooooodles of homework to do. love love
September 24th, 2005
9:52AM
we listened to coheed and cambria while I painted. I liked to laugh at you.
do you remember?
September 23rd, 2005
9:41PM
people walked on my toes a lot last night and it bled and stuff. moral of the story is never wear flip flops to high school dances. I do not remember dancing wif john for ten minutes, I think you sober people are the ones who have all the details wrong.
it might not be the right time. I might not be the right one!
but there's something about us I want to say...
cause there's something between us anyway.
I may not be the right one, it might not be the right time!
but theres something about us I've got to tell.
some kind of secret I will share with you.
I need you more than anything in my life.
I want you more than anything in my life.
I'll miss you more than anyone in my life.
I love you more than anyone in my life....
~Something About Us, daft punk. <3
4:18PM
Man, the new valley locals forums got bitched up. theyre supposed to be all smart now, so they deleted all our threads and edited all the remaining ones. all the stupid metal heads are all YEY because they like conformity like they like their fucking ugly slayer shirts. fuck I hate everything.
because incase the "admins" havent noticed, there havent been any fucking shows. nobody goes on the fucking forums to hear about when theres a show because there havent been any, its been the blatant vulgar crude dialect and pointless conversations that make us keep going to the forums.
you bitch up and I quit.
caelin your boyfriend suckssss
September 22nd, 2005
4:40PM
Ripchord by Rilo Kiley is a loveeely song. Im listening to the ceedee More Adventurous right now. its okay but some songs anony me a little. like "I never."
I had a math test today. I think I did okay. and the sole fell off the bottom of my walmart sandals. and i'm going to johns tonight and then to the dance. I dont like highschool dances too much but if I listen to enough of the bay city rollers I could possibly get into a better mood on the subject.
I miss Micheala a lot sometimes.
September 21st, 2005
4:39PM
I think that if my parents died, the first thing I would think to do is to unplug all the phones because telemarketers would makeme cry.
2:05PM
I have class in five minutes. boo. but its french, so it should be easy and stuff. I figure I can finish all my other homework while madam primeau blabs on endlessly about verb conjugations. she's one of those teachers that talks weird, they try to put strange emphasis on words to make you pay attention because it sounds like shes yelling at you or something. my math teacher is lame like that too, she likes to phrase all sentences in the form of a question by making her voice raise up to a point and then expect you to finish her sentences.
I watched Saw last night with the boy. it wasnt very scary, just gross. love love.
September 20th, 2005
4:32PM
jason burned me a copy of "digital ash in a digital urn" today. yeyeyey. and brody lent me a copy of coheed and cambria, their new cd. so I will be listening to a lot of music tonight.
I am kind of sleepy, I'm sad that my mom yelled at me for trying to drink coffee, she said I shouldn't drink it because it will keep me awake. I'm not like that, substances dont keep me awake; I keep me awake.
the internet is kind of boring so I might go make some robot peechars and sneak some coffee.
September 19th, 2005
10:18PM
I downloaded that daft punk movie and it doesnt even work. i even downloaded two other programs to try to fucking play it but it doesnt work. now i have to download it all fucking over again.
if i had money id just buy it off the internet, but i dont have a fucking job so i'll just go sell my body on the street corner now, fuck you bill gates, i hate everything.
4:22PM
forgot that I made coffee! MAN I LOVE COFFEE. so good. I have a playdate with Caelin tonight.
everybody should download interstella 555, the daft punk movie. i'm doing so RIGHT NOW.
I love powerpoint presentations, at the end of mine I always make a blank slide that says lots of stupid random stuff in really small letters at the very top. it looks official, kind of like the small text at the very bottom of a car commercial that is physically impossible to read in the amount of time given. but instead it says things about mono and the sounds dinosaurs make.
sometimes I wonder how people can think it looks official when secretly it says NRGEAGRKYEAGJRGKAHWDAHHRROAAARRRRRR on it.
September 18th, 2005
9:13AM
I think my cat is on drugs, she just licked the entire thigh portion of my pajama pants leg and then proceeded to lick the desktop and the keys on the keyboard.
8:59AM
I HAVE WINDOWS XP NOW! what what what. i dont know how well its going to work but wowwwowowowwow so nifty. and the best part is that now I get solitaire on my computer.
There was no hurricane this weekend, we were supposed to get Ophelia but nothing happened. total letdown, I love lightning and power outages.
Last night I went to bed at eleven. I dont know why. I was reading a french book and those always make me sleepy. and the rain was making such pretty noises on the window so I slept to it. and now I am drinking coffee and eating chips and cookies. this is my breakfast.
September 16th, 2005
8:40PM
I just watched Advent Children, the crazy FF7 movie. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. That is the best movie I have ever seen in my liiiiiiifffffeeeeeeeeeee. JESUS. msalfjhsanfl;iafjamlaska omggggggg. I love how all the music from the game is all orchestrated now... and Cloud and Tifa have look after this boy named Denzel... and Sephiroth comes back.... and that flute part playing Aerith's theme... everytime Aerith appeared I started crying. Im the lamest person in the wholeeee world.
Im going to go watch it again.
3:16PM
the first post I have made from school all year! I just spent the period finishing up my history assignment and this presentation for french. yey yey. today was strange because we walked around the school.
and I am a really really happy little tuna fish.
ps, jeff, youre a pushover. x 352605620562
September 15th, 2005
4:24PM
babylon has fallen.
peta sent me over a hundred free stickers in the mail today. it cost them nine whole dollars to send it to me. in america the mailing service is called the postal service. just like the band. and i wanted to cut it up and put it on my bulletin board.
i want it to rain. i want to go for a walk in the pouring rain. drenched on commercial street. like the dog you force off your doorstep in torrential hurricanes.
i feel like gum on the bottom of a new shoe. how it got there, you'll never really know; all you know is its on your new shoe, ruining them before you even get to really wear them. and i get pried off with rough hands and a scowling face because i'm not supposed to be there but im stuck there anyway, right in the tread marks just to piss you off.
i am the epitome of denial. it is the color of my look
September 13th, 2005
10:38PM
grr I need a computer microphone to take something from a tape and turn it into an .mp3. why can't we all just accept tapes as being forms of technology so that they can invent sometihng that will make it easy to convert tapes to mp3s. baaah.
I am sleepy, why am I in front of this computer screen. baaah.
I know that it is freezing but i think we have to walk. i keep on waving at the taxis they keep turning their lights off.
6:06PM
and I think, who are you kidding. imagining you deserve anything.
I really like glasses. I wear them to the dinner table. They are good because nobody is used to them on my face. so that the frames are the only things they see.
there is a big wrinkle under my left eye and I can't open it right. and when I keep my hair in my eyes (and complain about hating cuban food) they do not notice.
yes, I like glasses a lot.
September 12th, 2005
6:06PM
homework tonight, seems like there's homework every night. I hate that, it feels like I'm stupid or that I'll fall behind too easy and wont be able to catch up.
my throat hurts, I think this calls for some tea and bright eyes.
I have to go look at my course change booklet. I'm making some plans for twelfth grade... maybe I can leave too.
I dont want to be alone.
September 11th, 2005
1:00PM
I am full of the strangest feeling. I am freezing, but feel warm at the same time... I feel tired and hypnotized but alert and awake.
and I want to make a mixtape, because today I feel like I have taken so much and don't know how to give anything back.
sometimes at night I lie in bed and think about how I'm going nowhere. I never even practice anymore. I try to write but nothing works out. Maybe I was just never cut out of that cloth... I was never meant to be a performer.
September 10th, 2005
3:54PM
gave up at 42 hours.
10:51PM
36 hours in on the hunger strike! not even hungry. this is so tight. except I had a horrible feeling this morning where I was too tired to get up but too awake to sleep. so restless.
listening to k-os and skanking. its all i do now
September 9th, 2005
11:42PM
jeff posts to guestbook!
10:40PM
i think maybe I was going to say something and then forgot and i dont know why this window is open at all
9:39PM
hey guys. 24 hours since i've eaten, its official.
...sigh to the guestbook. <3 <3 <3 x 36502573205632065.
omg it does start with a 3.
4:06PM
okay, so on wednesday I snuck out to go see k-os with the boy and ses amis. it was soo amazingly incredible that I was still giddy the next night (see unintelligible post below). hilights.
- I got poked in the eye and kicked in the head by crowd surfers.
- I have a bruise from dancing against a gate for about two, three hours.
- k-os crowd surfed and geordie touched him.
- some guy was trying to push JT to get close to the gate (we were right up front) so I danced violently, flailing limbs, and the guy stopped trying, woo woo.
- we saw a guy in a wheelchair do a wheelie on the sidewalk.
- it was all campus kids who kept asking what residence we were in.
- reeked of alcohol and pot.
- we met a guy from the chronicles (who wouldn't do a hand shake wif me, he said girls get high fives) and he was going to sneak us into a bar for drinks (they were doing 150 free drinks at some bar).
but we had to go home because we are merely highschool kids and cause I was in shit for going to a concert seeing as I said I would be at Geordie's house for a bonfire and instead went to see k-os, bahahahaha. anyway, as I was supposed to be home at 10:00, I called after it ended at 10:30 to say that I wouldn't be home for atleast another hour (to spare my parents the additional hour and a half of worrying). then we stopped at macdonalds, and the bathrooms were so cold and gross.
and then I went home and thought I was safe safe cause all the lights were off and so no one would be able to yell at me, but then mom came in my room when I was half asleep and proceeded to call me "stupid bitch", inform me that I was "acting like a dumb blonde" and was "so goddamned stupid." There was a gratuitous usage of the work "fuck" and all of its conjoined endings (fucked, fucking).
in conclusion I am grounded for a while. but I am also tres angry with my mother because her grounding necessitates preventing me from visiting the boy for a week-ish. and because she wanted to ground me until christmas, and refuses to let me go out on weeknights for the rest of the year. (school year? calendar year? who knows...)
so this morning after a lovely argument, that, you know, I figure will likely be re-enacted atleast three times by monday morning, I made the very irrational decision of saying that if I couldn't see the boy then I wouldn't eat. there isn't really a good reason for this. i'm not petitioning to save small children in africa or protect animals or something, I'm not even doing this to get some sort of different punishment because damnit, they wont budge anyway.
I'm doing it to prove that my hatred of my mother is, at the moment, overpowering enough that I do not feel the need to eat.
and it is going well. I have not eaten since yesterday and I am not particularly hungry. sure, walking in the kitchen is like being stabbed with very small knives, but I am confident that I can atleast last today.
ps, it was very great and dramatic when I decided not to eat, I said "and you can start with my lunch!" and I took it out of my bookbag, slammed it on the floor, grabbed my keys and left, slamming the door loud enough that it echoed up the street.
anyway, it turns out my dad's pet bird has laid an egg, and Mango was supposed to be male. what the hell.
PS. dont apologizeeeeeee you smell lovely and kfhaosgyafjanja;kl just. beautiful. always always.
im going to go skank to k-os now.
September 8th, 2005
7:10PM
heeey, nobody reads this but fkjseabrt7weqrfawfdnaks. Ahhhh, bitches, lemmie tell you, it was worth getting grounded. does that count as sneaking out? sneaking out of TOWN! BAHAHAHAHA oh man. oh MAN. Im sorry. so good so good I'll never be able to be coherant afhaf8o7aeyflhasfcmafca. must. stop being hyper.
im gonna go burn a cd of love love love love, aka k-os, and go skank. joy joy
September 6th, 2005
9;12PM
dont want to go to school tomorrowww I haven't even packed anything yet or found any stuff yet. hah, a good way to start off the school year, by procrastinating...
today was a horrible day, there was a lot of sitting around bored, I got my glasses and went to the mall to buy the live Get Up Kids cd. nobody honked at me on the way back; i dont blame them, I dont like my glasses that much either.
and so I listened to the get up kids and re-enacted my typical idea of a tenth grade saturday night in the middle of a tuesday afternoon, minus the kitchen-floor setting.
and I bitched and whined at dinner about needing clothes so I got to get some pants at Sears because we're too cheap for actually good stores. the capris i found were nice though.
and i think this had a point but I forgot it. anyway. I'm going to call someone I know isn't home (because I have a stupid thing inside me called hope that stupidly will not die). and then i'm going to listen to bright eyes and get ready for school tomorrowww errrgg horton goto die.
9:32AM
twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go-o-o! I wanna be sedated.... etc etc. I still dont know what I want to wear to school tomorrow. I guess that I will have to do some laundry. And perhaps go in town today because I dont know, I might like to buy the get up kids ceedee.
or I will wait dedicatedly by the phone hoping that the glasses store will call to tell me that mes lunettes sont ici. I want my gosh darn lunettes. fasglsaghs. rar.
September 5th, 2005
10:01AM
I hate Labor day, a waste of a perfectly good day that could be spent shopping or, say, GETTING MY GLASSES.
I dont think that there is anything I could possibly do that would not be a HUGE waste of a day, soooo, maybe I'll play with paint again.
there is a window in your frontyard and your bed sleeps alone tonight. you leave the frame unlocked to meet me in a yellow mainstreet light.
i miss you like sunset misses the morning every time.
September 4th, 2005
2:16PM
I want to dance around my whole house like a stupid ninny.
instead I think I will make a mixtape for caelin. I was supposed to make it for her when she was in germany but i suck at life, woo woo!
11:47AM
I hate Sundays, I hate that there are only two full days left of summer. fghasglhasfljhsaf not fair.
I meant to wake up earlier but accidently rolled over and fell asleep, so the second I woke up again I practically threw myself downstairs and made cereal.
there is no more chai tea left in the house. I will have to go back to my beloved green tea.
but alas, I must go shower, as I have not showered since tuesday.
September 3rd, 2005
12:50PM
Okayyy, I officially will worship anyone who has committed credit card fraud, I give up, its so fucking hard to fake credit card numbers. I will never get a free fucking iPod. such a motherfucking RIP OFF JESUS.
ps, I might put up a journal on here. i wrote a big huge one when I was in Cuba with the intentions of putting it on the site and never did.
and once again, mail me if you think this text is too small (I've been getting complaints).
10:58AM
something is wrong with my jaw. it hurts. maybe I have tetanus and will die. it would explain the severe pain I have in my arms and back and shoulders. or, well, I guess a crappy mattress could explain that too.
I hurt so much today. agooonnnyyy.
maybe I will see if I can steal enough money to rent a movie today. I started watching "sleepless in seattle" on teevee last night, and if I hadn't been so tired, maybe I could have watched it.
typing hurts arms. bye.
September 2nd, 2005
12:18PM
This is the last Friday of the Summer. I'm hoping the glasses store place thing will call me to tell me that I can get my glasses soon. I would like them for school.
I am planning on owning an island with llamas, a pink flamingo, pink fish and blue food coloring, while growing crops of any plant that kills braincells, when the world ends because of our lack of fossil fuels.
I'm going to be preppy this year with my new glasses and my hard classes. But its okay because the social life is all about noodles anyway. And I have lots of noodles. Infact, I think they make Campbells with noodles even though its in a can. Maybe I'll have that today, if there isn't too much fat in it, I should ask Paul, he knows everything about food.
I really like noodles.
this morning was a good morning, I listened to my new Bright Eyes ceedee. songs sound a lot better when youre looking at the words as youre listening to them because you never know exactly how theyre going to come out. I drank my tea and knitted and listened to Bright Eyes and it was lovely.
I must invest in the new Get Up Kids album, the Live one. so excited. need a job.
September 1st, 2005
11:27AM
school draws ever nearer. so gross.
I saw Andy last night, he's moving today. I only stayed for about an hour and a half and then went to Johns. There was a lot of wandering around and stuff.
the whole night was just bad. hey guys? Im not going to support your bad fucking habits.
next time we have a smokefest just dont invite me, I'd rather be at home alone.