August 31st, 2005
3:39PM

seeing andy tonight? going to johns? not sure. all I know is Andy is moving to hali tomorrow, sad sad sad. :(

but... haha. i want to go over. my hair looks good. woo woo.

12:46PM

okay, not going to hali tonight.

so bummed, and I was making stefan a mixtape, too.

10:54PM

Okay guys this is serously getting depressing, next week we will actually beee innn schoollll right now. Probably sitting through boring home room and then lame stuff in the performance centre.

I had a big feeling of dread yesterday when we drove up to fix my timetable. biiggg feeling of dread.

I'm listening to Copeland and its making me happy. I have to go make a mixtape and call John and make a purse. woo woo.

August 30th, 2005
11:24PM

so giddy so giddy. so giddy. hali tomorrow night. pavillion. superstore. so good so good. so giddy rar rar rar rar rar.

6:12PM

School in like a week. its too soon. I went up today to fix my screwed up timetable. I'm going to have to not slack off at all, all year, ever.

My brother is playing stupid shit music on his laptop so its kind of a competition to see who can overpower who. but this is easy cause these speakers have bass. woo woo. ugly laptop.

move out already.

August 25th, 2005
10:10PM

Just got back from babysitting. came home and immediately started swearing. the entire fucking house was pitch black. pitch. fucking. black. because my brother lives in the goddamn basement 24 hours a day on his stupid laptop playing his stupid videogames and having no freaking life, and never even comes upstairs. not even the fucking stove light was on. jesus, its like everytime mom and dad go away I have to pretend to be his goddamned mother because he doesn't know how to take care of himself.

I'm going to laugh so fucking hard when he moves out. And PS, why does nobody but ME seem to call it "moving out"? Oh, no, thats not moving out, he's just living with somebody else for 5 days of the week? Jesus, I wouldn't fucking force him back. If anything, I'd change all the fucking locks while hes at school.

god.

11:47AM

I had a dream last night that I moved out to some old psycho's house with my family. It was near our cottage but yet it was somehow on a beach. It was a big gorgeous house painted warm yellow with these interesting dark pink/red accents. It looked small from one view but was really gigantic, almost like a toy house brought to life.

We were cleaning off the deck of the house, it was a gigantic and strange shaped deck. After brushing off a weird chunk of seaweed, we saw some weird metal plate thing with doors leading down below the "deck". Apparently it was actually the deck of a gigantic 400 year old pirate ship that had been washed up and mysteriously cut to shape the house. My dad was determined that we couldn't keep it like that, not only was it an artefact but it was fucking hideous and what if one of the kids fell through it or something.

I also remember seeing my cat walking around through all of the rooms with me. It was eerie and dusty in the house and I was sad that I wouldn't be able to see my friends anymore. Cleo was staring at the ceiling as she walked with her stomach low to the ground like she always does when she's exploring.

Then I had this dream about going to school in that area. It was in a tall building of a nearby city. (There are no cities near my cottage... but okay.) On a low floor. It had big windows and the classroom looked more like some work office but without cubicles. We were all sitting in desks that faced inward, lining the walls. We were basically all working, but it was more like 4th grade where working involved getting up and wandering around and talking to people. A girl I knew had a laptop and a few people were sitting around her, talking with her and her friends.

there was a strange noise, and everyone looked around wondering where it came from. the girl said that it was her laptop. the teacher wasn't assured by this, and told her to pick it up and hold it out, expecting it to make another noise, expecting that it would be much more plain to tell where the sound was coming from if they all shushed up and focused on that laptop.

the noise came again, but from outside. it sounded like explosions. all heads snapped to the windows. You could feel the atmosphere double in intensity... but it was as if once the people's heads filled with thoughts of terrorism, their blank denying faces turned inwards, away from the walls. They tried to casually discuss what it was, pretending not to be overwhelmed. I wasn't persuaded...

So I ran to the windows and looked out. The class was in denial, but they still wanted to know what was going on outside. I ran from window to window commenting aloud on what I saw. Lots of people, moving fast. Some of them running. it looked like a daycare had just been vacated, there were small children and middle aged women running about. In the streets there were panicked faces, no cars, just people walking and running away. It was frantic and hectic, and every window I looked out made me more nervous.

And I turned around and YELLED at the class for just fucking sitting there when clearly something terrible was happening.

Then it kind of skipped to a few days later. This city was kind of advanced in technology. It had different levels, different Plates, kind of like the entire city was a hotel or a shopping mall and you could switch between levels by these gigantic elevators. Kind of like the way Midgar worked in Final Fantasy 7... for all you dorks out there, but minus the class segregations. It was night, and I was on the upper plate. It was like some night time street and I could see smaller buildings off to one side of me. To the other side was a sort of huge balcony which looked down to the lower plate, the elevator to switch plates was nearby, constantly being loaded with people and zooming back up. The president of the United States was giving a speech. He was somehow suspended, held aloft over the open area of the balcony, and people surrounded the edges. He was closest to one certain edge, where all of his body guards stood. It was interesting because no one seemed to be listening, no one noticed that he was speaking. And even as nearby police tried to shush the crowd, Bush continued with his speech, urging onward even though people weren't listening. He had a calm and relaxed face.

But amidst all this, there were still the people rushing about, looking busy and frantic and worried and threatened all at the same time, like they had expected more buildings to blow. It made going out of my house incredibly stressful because it felt so much like the world was ending, but incredibly slowly.

and thats kind of all I can remember. Something big happened though, because I remember wanting to wake up really quite badly.

12:44AM

I made two dozen biscuits, drank two cups of tea, washed the dishes, did laundry and knitted a dishcloth. I have zero life.

August 24th, 2005
7:11PM

haha, I got letters from geocities about my site exceeding its bandwidth twice in the last 90 days. scoreee.

I hate the universe, I called Daniel at lunch and he wasn't there. I called back again this evening and he's not there. Apparently he was home all afternoon.

fuck, this is SO not my day today.

3:18PM

i tried to make a mixtape but got distracted by emo side project songs. so i cried on my floor. do i deserve this. fuck you andrew.

12:45PM

New chat blob. you wont get it if you suck and/or do not understand the concept of "all your base."

11:24AM

Two weeks and I'll be in school. Booooooo.

I'm going to die for the next two hours. The cramps have come to take me. I'm going to go cry in a corner now.

August 23rd, 2005
11:20PM

People have been making posts to the guestbook! thank you people.

I've been playing the sims for about three hours straight (since my last post). I keep making my Sim, Marla, play with this chemical set. She makes weird potions that either make her incredibly happy, fatally ill, change her personality, make someone fall in love with her, or turn her into frankenstein.

ps, frankenstein makes some pretty fucking rad picasso art that sells for about 265$ a painting.

too much? too much.

PS, I HAVE ADDED THINGS TO THE MSN BLOBS PAGE! OMFG! FINALLYYYYY! its all stuff from me skanking it up on yahoo. skanking = moreso turning off horny 19 year olds by telling them I'm a 45 year old man who wants to... hahahahah.

8:03PM

stupid horny fucking teenagers in their fucking yellow car. I hope I fucking knewwww them because then I'll be able to excuse the fact that they yelled really loudly at me when I was trying to cross the street.

fuck.

I went on an adventure tonight. I bought love at the Co-Op. I was originally going to use rolls of pennies as cash. Fortunately my dad switched them for reaaalll money cause the girls at the counter looked pretty bitchy. You know the type, I worked with some people like that last year. They worked in the boutique at grand pre. some of them were genuinely nice and gave me beer. but some of them felt too cliquey... merrg. ooh the phone is ringing.

talking on phone and typing at the same time.

Anyway, I left Co-Op and went to EMS and laid on the grass. Then I went to the park and climbed trees and went on the swings and walked around random roads in the woods. Which was then followed by returning to EMS to attempt to scale the roof. This caused a lot of difficulty because I had nothing to pull myself up with and nothing to push myself off with. Basically there was a lot of unattractive wriggling and use of abdominal muscles. I couldn't figure out how to get onto the actual roof, but I managed to find the smallest foothold to boost myself up. I was so pleased; I wandered around the roof until I made eye contact with the garbage man who mysteriously appeared. Then I got nervous and ran away.

And guys yelled at me in a car at the way home.

11:51AM

what the fuck, how is it almost the end of summer, what the fuck.

the valley foums have been reconstructed by the members of athaliahs. www.valleyforums.tk

I was going to record that Elliott Smith cover but my ugly stupid brother came home. fuck fuck fuck fuck

PS, I'm considering moving this site to a different... thingy. It'll still be on geocities. just that I want to change it off of this xox_cherry_xox bullshit.

August 19th, 2005
12:39PM

tetris tetris tetris tetris and random remixes.

12:33AM

warning: because it is still only BARELY august 19th, I am going to refer to the events of the evening of August 18th as "tonight", simply because its too weird to have to go "yesterday" when that was like, half an hour ago.

The show tonight was greeat. Not too many people turned up, but there were more than I expected. When I was onstage I kept fucking staring into the light. I'm a moth, a stupid tetris-addicted moth. I did Hallelujah, Catch Fire and Scars to Carry... and then at the end I did October and this little Elliott Smith cover, rah rah. John did this AWESOME Johnny Cash cover, he was a wicked voice for that song. And haha, he did Love Song by the Cure, and he totally started screaming near the end, and nobody saw it coming... all the little kids just like stopped dead in conversation and all eyes rivetted straight to the stage. It was awesomeeeee, ohh my.

And the boy (heart heart) beatboxed for Kevin and then did his own thaaaang at the end. Hahaha, I love the looks on peoples faces... Evan Hill looked pretty amused. I sat there and giggled with lion while wiggling my toes.

yeah I suck I brought Lion with me.

Alex did a little electric song in the beginning with Aaron Knock... they did Voodoo Child. with that wicked (wah?) pedal. Following them was this band of eighth graders (or something) named Shameless. Man. Their guitarist is like, what, twelve? Anyway, the whole band is cleearrrllyyy about him, but the kid is bursting with talent, hes like Hendrix and Eddie Van Halen in one, ripping out crazy tap solos all over the fretboard, just practically tearing off each string in masterly perfection. It looked more like he was running his fingers through butter than playing an instrument, and he actaully managed to do all of this behind his head.

jealousy x 3505632532652. That kid is so going to be famous. If not, then, there's just no point to life anymore, the internet has destroyed everything.

And Kevin rapped with a friend of his... dont remember his name... rar I suck. And Aaron did his own little crazy thing, and he told the crowd to just make noise whenever he did anything they liked. Which is a good idea cause then the audience feels like, obligated to pay attention, but not in a bad way. Come on, people like being loud and obnoxious, woo woo.

it turned out to be a gooooooood night. PS, I brought tea and drank it before the show. good old teaaa, love love love in liquid form.

and then Daniel and I went to go get frieeeessss and then we went home. rah rah.

anyway this seems lame so the end. love love.

August 18th, 2005
11:26AM

Show last night was good... it was really packed. I was kind of wondering what the weight limit was for the building, seeing as we're on the second floor (which is a huge disadvantage to bands with tons of gear to lug up and down the stairs... argh).

Bands were: Seething, Athaliahs, Roses Dead, I Hate Sally and Misery Signals. I had to leave right before Misery Signals' set was done because I had to hitch a ride home before midnight, because my mom went insane on me in the afternoon, so I left early to go meet up with John. He came with while I dropped off resumés at five places in the mall. The pet store asked me if I'd be okay handling animals.

oh yeah, SHOW TONIGHT! If you're sitting around at home bored and reading this tonight, GO! It's at the New Minas Firehall, and admission is only 5$... which goes towards helping build a skate park for New Minas! and come on, wouldn't you love to have some more pretty skate fags in town? Come on girls, this directly profits YOU. It starts around 7, so don't be lame and stupid at sit at home drinking tea and playing tetris when there's better things to do.

August 17th, 2005
12:05PM

Show tonight, woo woo. I think the boy has to go to work though so I'll be all lonely. Much like I was yesterday. God I fucking hate phones.

Today I think I'm going to sit outside and tan. I might go for a walk too, to the park or maybe to Music Stop. Music Stop is like foreverrr away, but I haven't been in there since December and that was super quick, just toget guitar strings. You really need like an hour to just wander around and check out all the guitars. sigh sigh.

I drank too much tea last night and couldnt fall asleep until 2AM. That doesnt seem that late, its just that I went to bed at midnight. rar.

August 16th, 2005
9:26PM

the telephone is the worst invention ever. I think I'll take all of them out of my house so that I will never be able to sit around waiting for it to ring. waste of time.

I drank so much tea tonight. Gosh, I want more.

I was wondering, if I were to make purses or bags, would anyone buy them. They'd only be selling for about 5-8$. I don't currently have any pictures of them, because for some reason my computer can't use webcams or scanners anymore. anyway, if you'd be interested in purchasing one, I'd like it if you could mail me and tell me so... then I'll make the bags and put up the pictures on the internet (somehow).

6:17PM

Hi people, another day of waiting by the phone. Today I woke up at 1:18pm though, so I haven't really been awake that long yet. I stayed up kinda late playing the sims last night.

I was watching Dr. Phil today (because, as one could conclude by reading the above paragraph, I have no life and or nothing better to do) and the little theme for the day was bullying in schools. Mostly it was in middle schools. There was one part where he showed clips from news stations doing broadcasts on young kids who had committed suicide due to being bullied at school. One woman on the show actually hadn't known that her daughter was being bullied until a few days after her 13 year old daughter SHOT HERSELF IN THE HEAD when the mother discovered her diary.

Another girl on the show was only 14 and forced to be home schooled because she couldn't learn at school, she was too occupied thinking about what hallways to walk down so that she wouldn't be aggravated by her peers. Her parents even tried to switch her to a new school, but the kids in the new schools had ALREADY head all of the rumors spread by her current schoolmates.

This kind of thing makes me sick. Especially when it's the online kind of behavior. The constant cyber harrassment, it just makes me sick. Parents don't do anything about it because they don't understand that their kids are being bullies. Middle school is such a tough and confusing time, and the internet is making it so much worse because not only can kids be teased and bullied at school, but they can be teased at home now, right from their own computer screen.

This whole thing just makes me painfully sick. It makes me want to go back to EMS and do seminars, talk to the kids about bullying, maybe even be some sort of a temporary guidance counsellor on the subject... Children don't really understand how cruel and vicious they can be.

On the subject of the 13 year old who shot herself, parents of the children at school merely told her mother that "kids will be kids." These kids were responsible for this girl's suicide! They might as well have held the gun to her head! And yet of course they won't be punished for it... not by the law, and definitely not by their irresponsible parents. Its people like that who make the world such a disgusting place.

for the sake of the few remaining good souls on this planet, I hope that the human race destroys itself as soon as possible. With the pollution, constant war and conflict, we'll all be dead soon anyway. Humans have to be the stupidest species to ever have breathed life on earth.

In conclusion, I really think I want to do something about bullying. Kids should know that they aren't alone in being bullied... gosh, I wish there was something I could do to help.

Oh, and by the way. That 13 year old killed herself on October 6th... she was bullied by mainly two girls. On October 6th, they decided that their little "theme" for the day was that that girl should go kill herself.

and she did.

So, if you're reading this, I just want to remind you, that you had better be prepared to accept the consequences of pushing somebody, especially that far.

just fuck, kids make me sick.

August 15th, 2005
1:31PM

cut and release

She reaches back, and in a smooth swish,
extends her tight muscles forward.
In an arc flies the weapons of her mission;
the small ones who wait on handmade commands
to slowly be jerked back,

and she waits with hands ready to reel,
she waits, never breathing.
Slight of frame, but quick, her eyes,
that glare beadily towards the gentle ripples
in still water.
She craves to make them climb.

Yet, in still waters, there lies dormant
the constant doubt;
will her prey seduced be caught,
or too tempted be torn away?
Overrun in subconscious awakes
the insistent claim that in the end,
they are worth nothing,

and she waits with hands ready
to reel, never breathing, and dreaming
of prizes to be caught.

So as the water climbs she steals her victim;
slow, so as to prolongue the struggle
she so enjoys
but in holding the squirming catch in her hands
she can only remark that there is
so
much
blood,

and retrieving the blade she breaks the flesh
to cut her traumatized prey free and toss it
bleeding back.

She reaches back and dips the loose muscles
of her hands into the water to wash away
(the blood the blood the blood)
her guilt
and row steadily back to shore.

August 14th, 2005
6:17PM

it has taken me. all. fucking. afternoon. to figure out how to make cinnamon rolls. if my fat stupid white wannabe james bond adopted brother eats them all in 24 hours.

i will hurt him.

it will be slow and painful, and he will die. and then I will dunk him in butter and cinnamon, twist his body into a circle and roast him for ten minutes in an oven preheated to 400 degrees and then drench him in fattening sugar.

I am guarding those cinnamon rolls with my LIFE. Something about slaving over a sink full of hot water in the already humid air with my hair curling around my face just really put me in a rotten mood. Dishes, may I add, that had been piling up all weekend all day all afternoon that no one else seems to feel like washing. After cooking on a counter so covered in random books and pages and other somehow "important" things. Next time I'm going to just slather butter all over these books and "important" things, merely stating that they were "in the way".

so thats right, "family", eat all of my cinnamon rolls and you will pay with 15 minutes in the oven, oh yes, oh yes you will.

orr, errr, I dont know, I'll just keep making poison muffins so that they lose all faith in my cooking. and then I'll be able to make whatever I want, whenever I want, and no one will eat it but me.

and then I can live the rest of my days old and fat and living on my own damned llama farm.

I think cinnamon rolls will be the death of me.

August 12th, 2005
1:31PM

PS, I am addicted to Tetris. My body dreams of tetris before I fall asleep.

6:57AM

MWAHAHA IT IS 7AM AND I HAVEN'T SLEPT YET! I watched the sun rise. it was pretty. I didn't know the sun rose. I didn't know that nights ended. I thought I was the sun, and when I rose I was sleeping, and didn't see all the colors and the new shadows on the grass. but thats because Im lame. and my eyes are starting to hurt so I'm going to go make some tea, eat yogurt and watch Josie And The Pussycats. Man, sleeping is giving in.

drink up baby, look at the stars and I'll kiss you again, between the bars.

August 11th, 2005
1:58PM

Man, I always hear about bands like a year or two after anybody else does. I'm all obsessed with Saosin's "seven years" now, and apparently they're like, ancient or something. Yeah, well, it took me about five years to hear about Wheatus's "Teenage Dirtbag", sooo, this is good response time for me.

New post to the guestbook by Sam. <3

bonfire last night. rooftop stars fall swingset aah aaah aaah

August 9th, 2005
1:50PM

wow, I have officially signed up for every possible freebie that could ever be sent out to Canada. I'm expecting enough shampoo to clean every child in africa, and various health supplements and weight loss pills. I'm going to be a guinea pig, snort snort screee.

August 8th, 2005
8:38PM

DAVID COCHRANE IS A DIRTY WHITE ADOPTED SKANK

1:09PM

aah! okay. I think I'm finally getting more shows scheduled, this is lovely. I might be doing something at the New Minas days thing on the weekend, and then next week there's one at the firehall on the 18th. the rehearsal is on the 17th though, and theres a misery signals gig, and I wanna go... especially because I'm going to blackmail my brother, so I'm gonna have casssh :)

I'm so psyched, I'm going to practice guitar all day, and then I'm going to lounge around the pool like a summer whore. yes yes yes.

PS, Sam, I love you like african children love sponsors.

2:20AM

I'm gonna start this out by saying, yes Ellen, kentville boys are terrible and we must devise something to say or do that will turn off any carfulls of guys that feel the need to get half out of their cars and shout at us. and that mixtape makes my world turn, so much, it is so awesome and perfect. and amazing, I love it.

(see, dear reader, i would write you a happy blob on the main page too if you'd just post in the guestbook.)

good night tonight! hung out at John's with Leigh, Ellen, Micheala, and Becky. Ellen purchased Zoodles at Needs Convenience, per my request (love love to her). Her boy Brody microwaved them for us at MacDonalds, but it burned, oh oh, it burned. and then we went back to Johns and looked at creepy videos (like Happy Tree Friends, Paris Hilton, Salad Fingers.... after Salad Fingers, no other video seems as good or weirdly interesting) and peechars of David Hasslehoff.

then John walked me home and new minas is scary at night, and there was a dead raccoon on the road, and I wanted to move it but there were no sticks, and I tried to use my flipflop but chickened out cause it was stiff and heavy and its mouth was wide open. I was partially afraid that it was still alive and would lash out, or that it had some disease that I would absorb through my flip flop, or that i would flip it over and discover that it was like, covered in blood or something.

anyway.... yeah. he got a drive home because new minas is scary core.

August 7th, 2005
12:04PM

I am awake! daaaah! A good ten hours of sleep. I had lots of weird weird dreams. I wrote out of them down in the emo Book ellen gave me (a Memo Book with the "M" scratched out). Here goes.

"I had heard on the news about weird weather changes. The sky was covered with pink and grey clouds swirling around one perfect circle of blue sky in the distance over some other continent. There were mysterious disappearances. Then, it started to happen in my town. The people are "becoming" aliens, and I dont want to. The mysterious deaths begin of outsiders who try to enter our town, and of those in it who get too curious themselves.

"Sometimes the aliens walk among us, hiding, listening to our thoughts and then ripping those to shreds who think of asking questions. They have big vicious white teeth. They force us to attend meetings where they continue to kill us off. I always end up standing by one particular spot where there two aliens sculpted into the wall, in attack pose. They both have the same big white teeth, and the sculpture is so life like that the lips of the teeth actually twitch as they are stretched over those teeth. They continue to kill us off, even at the meetings.

"Some of the people desperately want to become, but most of them are actually honored to be sacraficed by these aliens. The villagers begin to get these incredible ideas of weapons to make out of simple objects and batteries. They use them for homicides on people who whom they have grudges. This explains those mysterious deaths.

"I ran into a friend (Jeff or John) and protested that I didn't want to become. Anyone with large amounts of metal in their heads (lots of fillings, or a metal plate) were immune to the becoming. I grabbed this person (Jeff or John) and said I had no fillings or metal plates and that I didn't want to become. They gave me a blank look and walked away.

"I found cover at a house with people like me, some of whom were my family... my cousins and my grandparents. It was like the events that unfloded were words on a page that I was reading... "The one true power." Apparently there was a power who opposed these aliens, and always had. It manifested on the living room floor in the form of an incredibly intelligent, sentient ...cat. Yes, the 'cat' was Jesus, sent to destroy the aliens.

"I offered the animal various kinds of food as we all wandered to the kitchen to eat, as it was lunch. It looked just like Carey's house. Those of us sitting at the table saw a car go by through the living room window, but everybody heard it. It was loud and clanky like it was old and loaded down, or designed for some other purpose than driving. Someone exclaimed, what was that! And my cousin Lindsay answered brightly, "A Mexican?"

"I thought I heard the car pull in to the driveway, but I wasn't sure. Still, something wasn't feeling right, so I got up and walked to the kitchen. We all heard the footsteps on the stairs to the deck, but we were all too melow and human to be suspicious. I, being the paranoid person I am, walked over to the far corner of the kitchen, the area furthest from the glass door leading out to the deck, in search of food (and maybe cover).

"Then, gunfire filled my ears, the shattering glass exploding from the foor, the bullets spraying. I fell to the corner to hide as the gunman entered the room through the shattered door by about one foot. He was kneeling on the floor using one of those weird inventions of weapons. This one looked like half a strawberry on a toothpick. He was accompanied by one of the aliens. I guess they had heard out thoughts and figured out, as aliens, that their arch enemy Jesus was in this house. And in cat form.

"The shots were aimed low, but still the bullets or whatever they were, were powerful enough to kill any living thing they came at, even if they only shot a hand or a leg. This was because of those weird alien powers.

"Being in the corner made me less visible. I opened a cabinet door to shield me, to conceal me, but knowing full well that I was too big to hide behind it, that they could hear my thoughts, that the bullets were capable of spraying through that wood...

"It was silent when the bullets stopped in the room of corpses. And where the hell was Jesus on all of this? Damn cat. I was breathing in and out. It was the only way to tell I was still alive.

"Now, this can either end two ways; you take your pick. I either DIE now, or WAKE UP. either way, its the end.

"PS - Jesus scratched me. I tried to make him heal me, but he just licked the bleeding cut, which made it hurt worse."

1:21AM

hi, I went to the show tonight! I am not dead, but I am getting there. this is what I have ingested today.

- a cookie.
- a sandwich of the egg variety.
- a large greasy slab of pizza (big, big mistake).
- a gummy worm, thanks to the guy behing the counter at the pizza place.
- two pills of ibuprofen.
- a multivitamin.
- a packet of protein meal replacement that you mix in milk.

the last three do not entirely count as legitimate food items, but thats what I had today, and I keep burping like I just ate a full meal. I'm crazy. I used to be like this inexplicably in like elementary school for about a week at a time, no appetite, just nauseas all the time. I'm strange like that.

but the show was good. ellen ate a red pepper while walking around at the show. i got free pins (I saved one for the boy), free stickers, and a free single. I tried to seduce my way into a free Protest The Hero shirt, but no luck. I didn't try that hard anyway, I just thought maybe if I looked like I wasn't massively hung over and about to collapse, maybe he would be generous enough as to expend one teensy girly shirt for me.

to no avail.

mommy called tonight, david was supposed to tell her I was sleeping off my hangover because I wasn't allowed to leave the house. unfortunately my brother sucks at fucking lying, unless the lie gets me in deep deep shit, and so I had to call my mom at 12:30 and prepare to face the wrath of angered mothers.

actually it wasn't so bad, she made me feel guilty that I was missing out on seeing my new baby cousin and visiting my godparents (one of whom has had a very close brush with cancer, eeek). I told her that Ellen made me a mixtape, which she did, which is ultimate LOOOVE. <3

anyway I am sleepy and eyes hurt. more love. god I miss daniel, so much, so so so so so much, maybe I will take sleeping pills and just sleep until wednesday when he comes back, gosh I miss him so much.

August 6th, 2005
1:04PM

hi, I just thought I would say goodbye to the world and all these people in it because I think I'm dying now. hahaha. this is baby's first cheap hangover. I attended Jeff's dads wedding last night. It was lovely, Martha's dress was gorgeous. It was awkward after the ceremony because all the families were mingling and I felt out of place and sad. I got a ride up to the Research Station because the Wedding Party was going for pictures. the bugs were insane, I was bit to hell, huge welts on my legs. I tried to wander off alone but then all the bugs got me, I got atleast five bites in a ten second time frame.

then john called my moms cell and I realized that my mom has the lamest ringtone. jeff invited me to ride in the limo on the way back. the ceiling has a star pannel and they had juice and music. apparently the arcade fire is on the radio now. this is news to me.

I found my seat at the reception, it was at table ten, a table of small children. The idea had been to make all the kids sit at their own tables, which was kind of a bad idea. Some kids didn't want to be separated from their parents and wouldn't sit at the tables. None of us talked at all, I felt sad that I was sitting at a table with 11 year olds and under. I hardly ate. They had this awesome fountain that poured juice though, that thing was amazing.

anyway, by the end of the meal, all the parents were feeding their children at the children table. what was the point of that.

the wedding party sat at this big table at the end of the room. it was lovely and there were little candle holders on all the tables, one for each person. they said "Brian and Martha (or maybe it was the other way around?) August 5th, 2005".

after the food, they cleared everything off. I sat at my table and sketched the flowers in the vase. then they started this whole dance thing. dancing was difficult, I almost fell over atleast 3535032652 times. because at that point, being the cheap drunk I am, I was already tipsy. I'd had two glasses of wine really fast on my pretty much empty stomach (I remember still being hungry after they took all the food away) and then some of this bacardi breezers stuff (which Jeff's dad later confiscated).

Jeff and I found this room and we played pool, and he beat me. I suck at pool. and life. I later broke one of the candle holders, I dont know, it just slipped. I was embarassed though.

It was raining hard by the time we went home around 1:15AMish. I was sleepy and queasy. I tried to sleep but it was difficult, I was always too hot. And then around 6AM I came to the terrifying conclusion that I was going to be sick, sick like I hadn't been sick since third grade (which, uh, I hadnt. I never told anyone though, because I have a tendency to jinx things). I felt sweaty and gross all over. In mid emptying-of-stomach I started to whine really loud for mom in a desperate screaming way. she took a look at me and said, ha, youre hungover, I knew you were drinking, you sounded too happy on the phone. (She had called once around 10ish to see when I was coming home at.)

I stayed in the bathroom until about 9AM. it is now haunted with bad memories. I sat in the corner reading archie comics after my first fit, and then thought I was okay so I went back to bed, when I started to sweat all over and had to go back. I brought my emo pad (Memo pad with the "M" sketched out) and wrote while watching the sun go up throught he bathroom window, while dying internally and shivering intensely.

then I sat in the corner with my head resting against the counter and slept for about twenty minutes, when I started to sweat again. I decided no more sleeping or putting my head at a bad angle; there was nothing left in my stomach anymore.

my parents were going to take me to visit my grandparents today but I was too ill to get in a moving vehicle for six hours. I'm really sad because I really really wanted to go, damnit. crap. sighhhh. I wish I had money, I'd take a train up or something. or a cab, I dont know.

before they left they teased me a bit, offering me various kinds of food and watching me squirm and pout pathetically at the idea of ingesting anything. eventually they told me I should be ok to lie down now. this was at about 9 oclock.

so I slept, and then I went online after determining that moving my body would not result in those terrible flashes of heat and imminent death. I think I'll watch movies today and wish I were dead.

PS, I'm really really thankful that Jeff's dad took away the drinks. REALLY glad. I kept thinking that this morning.

August 5th, 2005
1:40PM

please enjoy this overdramatic speel inspired by "The Birds Of Summer" by Beef Terminal.

-----------

I am an empty shell of a human being, all the essence has been drained from my eyes. I am devoid of pleasure or sincere emotion. I am impaled on self conscious feelings, on the misery of being alone, on the reality of shame so excruciating that it stabs me repeatedly

(over and over)

like the denial in public humiliation. I pull the sheets tight over my head so I can block out the world... the reflection... you. every day is another chapter; the words are starting to climax and push me down into this grave I have steadily and quite possessively dug. because every morning I have to remind myself that dreams are never true. and you're really gone. and even if I restate it

(over and over)

it doesn't make the fact any easier to take. this silent receiver waits to be bashed brutally against my skull. all I want is you in the doorway. you in the car. you on my front steps, remarking that I look different (before I burst into tears). you making toast in my kitchen, you sleeping soft in my basement, you pointing out the stars, you in the dark, you in the you with you at you you you

(over and over)

you feel like home. you've been gone seven days... they feel like forever. this house feels like grey skies and indecision. I will wait it out... in public, I will let the humiliation stab me

(over and over)
until you tell me
(over and over)

that its okay now

9:28PM

I finally did stick post-it notes in my mirror saying horrible things. sometimes I have to look at my reflection in a different mirror because there is something psychological about the mirror in my room, for some reason I have ruined it by looking in it too frequently, too critically.

still, when I look in the mirror I am taunted by the images of the girls at school, ones whose names I dont even know, and how they manage to be so thin and gorgeous all the time. and then I want to throw everything away. all the butter, and the creme cheese, peanut butter, popcorn, mini pizzas, ice cream, everything that I could take a smidgeon of interest in eating. so its nothing but vegetables, fruit, and bread. plain bread. blah blah blah i'm going to go watch a movie now and drink green tea.

August 3rd, 2005
1:03PM

hello.

stars. clouds. my leg hurts, there are grass strains/tree stains on my legs from running through the woods. the sun is out, caelin, I have your glasses.

August 2nd, 2005
12:45PM

I am a horrible excuse for a human being. I want to stick post-it notes in my mirror saying mean things. I'm angry because I cut myself shaving this morning and I need to look good in a knee length skirt by friday. this is impossible; I hate tights.

August 1st, 2005
8:50PM

I leave notes in the bathroom now. In the little drawers, because sometimes things go missing. they say things like, "Just because I'm not using my condoms, doesnt mean you can have them."

"PS - you slut."

I had to pee in the woods today, it was an adventure, because the cottage only has one bathroom and my cousin was showering. usually it is custom to enquire as to whether anyone needs to pee before anybody takes a shower, but I guess she isn't familiar with our lame traditions.

I got to drive this weekend, just down the cottage roads. I dont like driving with dad cause he gets nervous and makes me nervous. hes a control freak.

screaming at stars is fun.

I'm watching the Tommyknockers tonight.

if anybody has mark murphy's email, I'd greatly appreciate if they would mail me it. I'm not trying to "steal him", girls, so you dont have to be over protective and pretend you don't know him so that you can keep him as your little secret... i just want details about a show. : )