"Want to kiss my egg?"-Sanka Cool Runnings
"Na-na, na-na!"-Diana's response to just about everything
"She has hairier arms than I do!"-Devin
"Perhaps I am, and perhaps I AM."-Mae (stolen from Will Farrell)
"I'm sick of hearing about that Penis moblie!"-Megan
"No, you cannot have-a the Mango!"-Mango (Chris Kattan)
"By the end of the show, he'll have eaten it."-Conan O'Brian on Jimmy Vivino's new toy
"What'dya think of those nanas!"-Nelson, as Jent Reno
"Oh, yeah. He's going to be the father of my children."-Mae on Dustin Lanker
"Hey, Mr. Girlie Man. Here's a present for your girlfriend"-Hans and Franz
"These are my sacred prostitute shoes"-Lindsey, right before she lent them to a guy
"I left the meaning of schmuck in my pocket!"-Ben
"Como Texas es no otro"-Mae
"You said I didn't have to think, John..."-Me
"My name is Craig. I did drugs once. I am a Spartan. So check me out!"-Will Farrel
"Aw, funky munky!"-Me, kicking a locked door
"So many times I've unbuttoned my blouse at the health club and men have run shrieking in fear at the hair on my chest."-Nelson, as Jenet Reno
"It's money!"-Ryan
"Hail all who hast entereth into Page de Carver, mine own pity is duly shared with thee."-Ben's webpage
"House of Squirrels, which nut would you like to speak to?"-Jessyca, answering the phone
"I'm going to develop a complex."-Me
"Once again, a serious topic smeared with whipped cream and dragged through the dirt."-Nelson
"Write that in your little notebook."-Mae (at this point, I had taken to carrying a pocket notebook to write down any funny things that people said)
"Ve ah en Gveenland! Tank you!"-Steve Perry
"They're going to filter you."-Megan, on our school's new discipline program
"Your daughter just assaulted me."-Floyd, after I kicked him in the butt
"Munchies and crunchies are in here somewhere!"-Gergi The Black Cauldron
"David Bowie's a woman."-Me
"I can't believe you ARE who you ARE!"-Mae
"If you can't stand the heat, get out of the pizza oven."-Mr. Ed
"I can smell you. From all the way down there, I can smell you."-Amanda
"I amn't sane."-Mae
"It ain't how you say the words that counts, it's how you feel about 'em."-Mr. Ed
"I wish arms and legs were like grass, and they'd grow back, so I could cut 'em off again. It's FUN!"-Nelson, as the Crazy Egyptian Woman
"You know something about Devin that Devin doesn't know?"-Devin
"And so I was like, blah, blah, blah, and he said, you know, blah, blah, blah."-Mae
"I speak baby."-Derik
"Ball, boy, dog."-Jacob
"Cuz I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady, all you other Slim Shadys are just...NOT SLIM SHADY!"-Me
"My name is Joy. I live in a box."-Ben
"I was drunk the day my mom got out of prison."-Ed's country song
"Time for...Smee!"-Mr. Smee Hook
"Howey's given the filter living status."-Mr. Hull, on our school's oldest teacher and the discipline system
"Stop acting like a monkey!"-Mr. Hull
"If you laid down on a bed of screws, you'd be screwed."-Mae
"I'm singing in my head, can't you hear it?"-Dennis
"His snake was broken!"-John Murphy
"I like the snot"-Lurel
"Stick that in your back pocket and sit on it!"-Mae
"Stuff that in your pipe and smoke it!"-Lurel
"Put that in your flush bag and toke it!"-Steve Perry
"Shut up! Shut up! I'm the smartest woman alive!"-Mae
"I got TALL shoes!"-Me
"Mae's brain went to Disneyland."-Ms. Wong
"Ya know, my grandson's good with those computers. He put a webcam in the locker room so you can see the big black basketball players with no pants on."-Nelson, as Marge
"Stupid, dumb, stupid, stupid!"-Mae
"Leif and Sara are gone, hmm, the plot thickens..."-Kevin
"Hunky! Derik's a hunky!"-Devin
"Just call me skunky!"-Me, after I helped my dad catch two skunks at my house
"Shallow end of the gene pool. No, my end just had bleach in it. Someone boiled my end. My end was full of rancid pus."-Mae
"Don't use my medicine if you're pregnant. It'll ruin your baby."-Me
"It was chaffing. Yah, ya know, a little rub rub rubbity rub."-Mae
"That would be a boomerang."-Me
"Ah yoo lookin' at me? Hey yoo, yah, yoo, come over here. Yeah, yoo keep lookin' at me, I'll cut out yah tongue. Yeah, I did it to him, see? Hey yoo, c'mere. Yeah, do this for me *thbpppt* Yah, you can't do it. Hey do this *ahh* heh, heh, he can't do it. Cuz I cut out his tongue. The cat has his toungue, in esscence."-Mae
"Sunk train: your ticket to a night of dredging the river."-Nelson
"Okay, you know when you shake the box of cereal and the crumbs are on the bottom?"-Me
"Everyone has a temperature dear. YOU have a fever."-Mae
"Why do I hae the feeling you're trying to dope us up?"-Me
"I'd rather be watching Star Trek."-Mae
"It'd be scooshed."-Ben
"I can pronounce it. I'm pro-nounce-able."-Mae
"We think with one brain."-Me
"They cohere to each other. They coheeeed, or something like that."-my mother, the science teacher
"Gotta be smarter than the plastic wrap."-Lurel
"I feel like I should be like, 'Let my people go!'"-Me, the first time I saw my big old Glinda wand
"Annie, get your gun. I don't have a gun. Well SOME one, GET A GUN!"-Mae
"Acting? Like acting like we're listening?"-Me, when Mr. Hull announced that we were going to do some acting in class
"Clarify 'crap'"-Leif
"All squishied up and stuff, that's the scientific term."-my mom
"Mindi, don't eat crack!"-Me
"Oh, that's what I had for breakfast. Those weren't corn flakes!"-Mindi
"Nothing I ever do satisfies you. It's a lost cause."-Mae
"'Why' is so vague, so nebulously broad."-Kristy
"Yes teacher-50+50=100. 50 mililiters of hydrogen peroxide and 50 mililiters of water makes 99 mililiters of liquid."-Mae (figure that one out. I still can't.)
"Fight like a sinner. Win like a Christian."-Lurel
"Don't you want to take me home? I'm worth hours of fun!"-Mae
"Let's don't bathe and weave birds in our hair."-Kristy on Elizebethan hygene
"It's a sleeve, otherwise she has a boob growing out of her shoulder. It could be a genetic oddity."-Mr. Ed
"The noblest of all dogs is the hot dog: It feeds the hand that bites it."-Mae
"It's a flying car! Do you see any land around it? No! It's a flying car!"-Aaron
"If you don't put that down in 30 seconds, I'll beat you severly about the head and shoulders."-Lurel, who is very protective of her flute
"What did you do last night? Have hot passionate monkey sex for eight hours straight?"-Devin, refering to why Ben's hair was so greasy (I put this in because he used the word monkey and for no other reason)
"Well, you're the one who got you knickers all in a twist."-Lurel's grandma
"Instead of working at Safeway, I work at Thriftway!"-Andy (for you easterners who don't know, Safeway is the "trendy" supermarket to work in around here)
"You are not acceptable. You must be assimilated into our being. Now we are going to give you a lobotomy so that you will be subordinate to us."-Me, imitating a cafeteria monitor who told a little kid that he was not acceptable
"It's unamerican to push down short people!"-Mae (short girls say "Hey!")
"Happy Birfday, freak."-Dana Heitman
"I just don't feel comfortable without my thong."-Lester
(reading my jacket)"Waterproof..Breathable..So the water can't get in, but the air CAN? Is THAT the way it is?"-Mae, on discrimination of the elements
"A bottle of your finest pourneau."-Dana
"Suck on my nipple piercing..Ow."-Jerry, when I asked him if there was a Blink 182 song about nipple piercings
"Mae fusion: the fusion of Mae and Mae."-Mae
"Wash with like, colors?"-Michael
"Who will join me? LET'S RID THE WORLD OF BREAD!"-map from FIF bullboard
"For one million dollars, who let the dogs out?"-Josh, as Regis
"If you're looking for a freaky girl, that's me, Regis."-Nelson, as Regis
"The Dead Sea is deader than the Red Sea."-my mom
"They never listen to my subliminal messages."-Me
"I came with nothing and left with five dollars and all I had to do was lick Ian's face."-Andy
"Well, I made 38 cents and all I had to do was get butt raped."-Josh
"Virgil, sit like a human being, not like an...idiot."-Mr. Hull
"Everytime we passed Thriftway, I thought of Andy spilling milk on himself."-Me
"Today I ran across the street. I spotted a dog named Spot. He bit me so I bit it back."-Mae (I don't know either, she just wrote it down in my little book.)
"I'm not ugly, I just wanted to look like you."-Amber
"It wasn't anything much of anything."-my mom
"I hate flies! I hate little bugs that fly in your face and try to go up your nose."-Me
"The earth is a lot, lot bigger than us."-my mom
"It's a WALRUS."-Ben, when Jessica was slinking around on the floor during class
"The devil's son's father said it."-Mae
"Just add glue!"-Ben
"I'm scared."-Joey's reaction to my haircut
"I so have a wedgie!"-Mae
"No, just stab it! Pinch it!"-Ms. Wong
"Blasted vegetables!"-Me
"The earth goes round and round and round and that's all you need to know."-Mae, on the Coriolis effect
"Only two things will be left on earth after nuclear winter
"Observe the mistletoe on my coattail and pucker up."-Mae
"Only two things will be left on earth after nuclear winter:twinkies and coackroaches."-Nelson
"Holy Barnacles, Batman!"-Luke
"Great Caesar's barnacles!"-Matt
"Video games don't talk back."-Leif, on why Matt never talks
"We're with the science class, studying science and stuff."-Bill
"Oh look, there's the red dog that guy was looking for. Oh look, there's the guy."-Mae
"Well, stop sucking your tongue!"-Me
"Derik and Devin would have broken up a long time ago, but Derik's too nice to say no."-Mae
"You're just asking for a heart attack on thin crust."-Me
"She's a virgin and she intends to stay that way until she gets her tubes tied."-Mae
"Frikkin' females!"-Me
"Yeah, get your Dr. Suess right!"-Rachel
"What, you egg!"-Murderer Macbeth
"Are you the guide grope leader?"-Mrs. Robart
"I have a pee disease, I'm serious."-Rachel
"Let's eat Erick!"-Me
"Oh, you're a vegetarian, so you won't eat me...I see..."-Erick
"Your house is pink. It's a pink house. It's titty pink."-Me
"Mr. Six Foot lobotomy."-Ben
"Mr. Six Foot proctology exam."-Luke
"I am woman, hear me ACK!"-Me
"He stood up, so I tossed a chip down there, and he bent down to pick it up. He ate it, so I threw antoher chip down there, and he bent over to pick it up, and I SLAMMED him with the broom!"-Luke, on his victory over a raccoon
"The president's on! We're gonna miss Flipperrrrr!"-Jeff Foxworthy
"Vote for Mickey Mouse."-Captain Putney
"Bowling is fun once you get past the suck factor."-Me
"My boss is a Jewish carpenter."-Bumper sticker
"I ain't got any dollar bills, though. I hope they take food stamps."-Shaggy, on exotic dancers
"We're in biology. Ther's no more roller skating in the canoe."-Derik
"Honey, if you love me, who is this Seth Storby?"-Ben
"I know where you're going to school. It's written all over your brother."-Cara
"I can just hear it. There's two little people. One's turning the crank one way, one's turning the crank the other way, and sometimes those little gears just don't match up."-Ben
"It's always great when you whine and the world whines with you."-Me
"Have you seen my spirit animal?"-Jake Morgandorfer Daria
"Put my name there! I want my credit! I can't believe my funniness extends beyond that funniest funny of the deep funny."-Mae
"They could have been fishnet stockings, but they weren't really used to catch fish. They were used to catch pigeons."-Ben, I think
"You're like Lassie."-Steven
"Don't touch me with your nipples!"-Me
"I'm proud to say I've never willingly eaten soy. Not to say that McDonalds hasn't slipped some in my burger."-Leif
"And if he was your stepchild, you could call him 'Semi-Colin.'"-Mr. Ed
"And we're gonna hit people!"-Justin, his senior football homecoming speech
"Boys are mean. They mosh on your heart."-Me
"I dressed up like the theme, but I didn't dress like a woman."-Juan
"College kids will get really rowdy when you wave free food in front of their faces."-Leif
"That wasn't the lunch bell either."-Delayne
"Who are you and what do you want with us?"-Dylan, to the phone intercom system
"I told her: It's nice and sunny. They like to feel the wind in their hair and the bugs in their teeth."-Me
"We don't call it passing anymore. We call it pre-succeeding."-Mr. Ed
"Wanna know why you're a loser, just ask this guy."-Ben
"I'm a cow-bee. Moo-buzz."-Me
"Their secret sauce is like, mustard."-Aaron, on Burger King
"I'm bringing my guitar. We can sit around the radiator and sing Kumbaya!"-Me
"Time flies when you're not paying attention."-Corrie
"It's in that one place where I put that one thing that one time."-Ben
"The grass isn't greener on the other side, so quit sticking your head through the fence."-Me
"I'm big and yellow. I'll go where I want."-Steve
"I need a hanky for my brain."-Ben
"You are all my brothers and sisters, just like the Pope and Ozzy."-Me
"Yeah, you just stand there and...don't wear anything, ok?"-Jessyca
"Someday you're going to say something really funny, and no one's going to be there to laugh at it."-Me
"Don't kill me and I might live."-Christi
"There should be thong sniffing dogs for that or something."-Me
"You could make a knapsack for your ear. No one has a knapsack for their ear."-Dylan
"Personally, if some guy said that to me, I'd be like, 'Ok, you're not getting any.'"-Crystal
"Let's have sex so we can change colors!"-Megan, on Pleasantville
"What? No, I didn't see a silver medal come through here. What color was it?"-Jessyca
"Do you know what they make you do to get ripped? They don't just give you a pill and say, 'Sit there for a while and you'll get buff.'"-Dylan
"A faux pas is like a social oopsie."-Me
"The closest thing we have to ice cream is milk."-Jerry
"If you want to defy the laws of biology, take it up with God."-Me
"I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth."-Ben
"The invention of the flame thrower proves that someone, somewhere, thought, 'I wanna set fire to those people over there, but I am too lazy to get up.'"-George Carlin
"If you don't obey like a circus monkey, you will fail. Sucks, don't it?"-Thomas
"Sparkling!"-Thomas and James
"You have to sing everything you say in class."-Mr. Ed
"If I need to be kicked, I'll fall in love with you briefly."-Thomas, my boyfriend :)
"We love you and your testicles guys, we just wish you would relocate your brains a little higher."-Me
"Did they eat the paper?"-Maria
"Why can;t the farmer get past the foreplay?"-Thomas, a dairy cow's thoughts
"Yes, I'm going to take naked pictures of squirrels."-Me
"Oh yeah, oh yeah, feels so good. Do I know you? No...."-Thomas
"I prefer the smooth barkyness of a tree to the solf silkyness of a woman"-some German dude
"And then, by the powere of Japanese animation, we could join, like you know, when robots join and become one big robot, and we'd have purple hair."-Thomas
"There she is...Miss Uh...merica."-Me
"Yay! I'm going to be sick!"-Gir
"Where am I going and why am I in this handbasket?"-Thomas
"Don't you mean, 'Give PEAS a Chance?'"-Brody
"I'd rather take you all bowling than sleep with you."-Me
"I'm glistening, like an elephant in the sun."-Steph
"You could put a webcam in her room. And watch her. And say, 'Call this number if you see male personages enter this room.'"-Me, on precautionary measures for my cousin's dorm room
"There was something wrong with that milkshake! It didn't deserve to be born!"-Maria
"Men do not do the boobie shake."-Me
"He's like the pied piper of strange people."-Unknown
"van=hunka hunka burnin' junk"-Me
"I swear to God if you scrape my nut sack one more time, I'll kick you!"-James
"I'll keep the crack out of you!"-Me
"If you break my flip flops, I'll break you."-Bethany
"I forgot all my towels. It's better than they year I forgot all my underwear."-Sara
"My underwear motivates me."-Jenna
"Invader's blood marches through my veins like giant radioactive rubber pants! The pants command me! Do not ignore my veins!"-Zim
"In short, brown. Neon brown."-Sara, on Bethany's favorite color
"We're J-Crew boat people, who shop at Goodwill."-Nickelle
"All they'd have to do is do a plie in your face and you'd be done."-Andrew
"My goal in life is to not look like a shark victim bitten in half."-Nickelle
"You're not annoying, you're a gooey ball of joy!"-Me
"Woah! It's a little micro fiesta!"-Bio lab James
"War just makes you want to hurt things!"-Me
"I was a zygote once..."-Monica
"He's all rolled up into one nugetty goodness."-Me
"So the witches were actually on acid..."-Kari
"He was the ultimate sacrifice, so there was no need for like, chickens and stuff."-Melanee
"Oh, my congress just passed out. Too much beer."-Thomas
"He's bigger than our midterms."-Emily
"Futons are those things you put on salads."-Thomas
"You could hold conferences and like, have people repeat stuff after you."-Me
"I'll fetal around you!"-Thomas
"I jsut had 40 sugar packets, and boy are my wings tired!"-Robbie
"When you're around, I think my lips get aqainted with my ears."-Thomas
"Puppet of Aid, why would you pray for God's will? That is like if I say...inhale..ok..now exhale...now inhale again...there you go."-Springs Can Sing on Clayshaker
"Stay-men. Watch beer. Drink TV."-Jenny
"Bi-curiosity killed the cat."-Me
"I have lost my mind, so if anyone has seen it, please tell me. It likes to hang out with my sanity, of which I have also lost."-Emily
"Would Mary's placenta be the afterbirth of Christ?"-Me
"That's the coolest vacuum cleaner I've ever seen."-Jeremy
"Anything that has Cyclone in it must be respected."-Jeremy's friend
"I don't use that word anyways. I don't need to know how to spell it."-Me
"Yah, I'm going to Buxton to watch it in Room 417, with Jim-Bob, Joe, and Maxine."-Stacy
"It's concentrated church!"-Me
"We, the boyfriends of the girlfriends of the house have decided that house meetings are stupid and should be discontinued immediately."-Thomas
"Yeah, Meg Ryan, she can eat crackers in my bed anytime."-Grandpa
"I like Ozzy. He rocks my proverbial world."-Me
"Black Sabbath. Mom's love it."-Me
"She's got her M16 in one hand and a tube of lipstick in the other and says, 'I'm good to go.'"-Madeline
"Where there's fire, there's Hannah."-Me
"I was going to ask you if you wanted to go on a double date with me and two of my very good friends, Ben and Jerry. I'm not at all opposed to getting chipfaced and forgetting all about chemistry."-Madeline
"I'm going to be incontinent when I'm old."-Jana
"Refuse thy father and deny thy feet."-Me, on elf/hobbit love
"I'm not racist, I have a colored television."-Tyler
"Everyone needs an octopus."-Cara
"No, there's like an Oxford in England. It's like a smart school."-Virgil
"We have to get divorced like 50 times just so we can have this cake!"-Robbie
"How much for that domain over there?"-Nickelle
"He's got an elk right above the blackboard."-Robbie
"Melts in your mouth, not in your taco."-Me
"The swing their hips and electrons fly out"-Robbie
"I think it's Italian for 'Watch the butthead with the stick.'"-Doc Townsend
"Flamboyant fruitiness is just not as much fun in real time."-Me
"Michael's Landing, posh of the posh, tasty of the tasty...I'm going to have a big giant STEAK!"-Emily
"It's like you can eat fake cheese, but after a while you really want the real thing."-Me
"PeeWee is back, and he's angry!"-Peter
"Do you know how good that would feel on my butt?"-Jenna
"Me being naked does not equal erotic. It just means drafty and cold."-Meisje
"Why is it that when people get fat, their foreheads stay the same? You cam see a person who weighs 300 pounds, with fat arms, a round face, and six chins, but the forehead is well toned and not the least bit bulgy."-Robbie
"Wee! Melanin deficient boardies of the world unite!"-Me
Doesn't it just piss you off that people are making money on a song about pants?"-Katie, on "These Are Not My Pants"
"My sideburns are more like side ashes."-Dannyeatworld
"I'm just warning you that you're engaging in very ineffective witness in trying to show off your metaphysical testicles."-Mike
"You will remember that burrito you ate for the next 24 hours, young lady! You will not eat, you will not spit, you will not swallow without remembering that burrito."-Sara
They won't let you do anything on campus, probably even breathe if you read the literature."-Crystal
"You gave me baby-butt lotion!"-Katie
"I likes my peaches like I likes my women...FUZZY!"-skanadian
"That kind of $2 beautiful..."-Colin, on his bride to be
"These must be the youngest brides ever! They must be mail order."-Mae
"Mama says life is like a box of chocolates, and if you don't got bananas in them choclates, you gonna twitch."-Me
"Yeah, Buenos Muerte!"-Emily
"Not so much blackmail as extortion also."-Ben
"So I've come to you for your lack of a penis."-Gary
"Andrew and I have deemed ourselves Regulators. We make sure people keep their food down and their pants on."-Steven
Whenever you have a good quote or phrase, it always makes it more interesting when you put 'in bed' at the end."-Lindsay
"Tres, that's French for three."-Doc Townsend
"I'm not going to hook up with you in my dreams anymore."-Lindsay
"I don't think my family loves me. I keep trying to send my uncle AIM messages but they never write me back. I think they think I'm a pron star or something."-Me
"This is Ram's fashion statement beanie."-Ram
"You're not going a-whoring or anything like that."-Prof Sarasohn
"I can't believe it's not LARD!"-Danielle
"Look Jenna! I can find love!"-Joel, while on his sister's computer
"Nobody move! I've got oxygen bags filled with pinecones and I know how to use them!"-Danielle

"I feel bad for things that are oppressed like trees and Kurds."-Danielle

"Andi, did you wrap that? You're going to gift wrapping hell!"-David

"She said it was a turkeybolosis hospital."-Me

"I just sat on a Homie."-Thomas

"Mike is here? I need to find Mike and rape him."-'losh

"There's something about the phrase 'Man train'..."-FuzzyMatt

"Did I say if I was a guy? I meant if my work would let me."-Johny

"Naked Juice, that's the best!"-Kay

"I'd like some potato wedgies."-Noah

"Everytime I see a Native American, I kcik em in the face and say 'This is my land. I stole it from ya fer and squer."-Johny

"And remember, we're not stealing the baby Jesuses. We're liberating them!"-Noah

"You can't boycott Italian food...It's un-American."-'losh

"Got jiggy with Mrs. God."-Seanadian

"Don't undo my belt, mom."-Johny

"I thought that Yamaha said Tampax."-Seanadian

"I put the 'uh' in Noah."-Noah

"Yes, I have friends. I just killed them later on."-Me

"I got ground...I pushed him away though."-Klif

"Klif got ground by a Joy Electric groupie!"-Noah

"If I had the chance, I'd so make out with Dennis Bayne."-Klif

"Have you seen their nipples? They're like this, got the nipples of a two year old."-Dave

"When they get to the chorus, it like modulates into the key of crap."-'losh

"When he broke into Rapper's Delight, I started squealing like a stuck pig. I was just transformed into a Catholic school girl, dress and everything."-Nic

"The sun is starting to touch me! Ah!"-Jordan

"I thank Relient K so much for teaching me how to play D, C, G, F..."-Jeff the Girl

"Well I feel like a badger's bum."-Dave

"This is one of those times when you want to go around and stick pens up everyone's nose when they're sleeping."-Dave

"I'm all alone in the gas station of love, and I have to use the self-service pump."-Nic

"What are you doing, you homo piece of equipment?!"-Dave

Oh, help us all!