I'm Dead

My Stepmom had cancer. Although Hilda was my step mom, She was my mom as well. She married my Dad when I was 10, and I was supposed to be mean to her.

'I'm too empathic for that though.' I thought. Years went by and I grew very close to her. During my 'rebellious' teen years, She was the buffer between me and my dad. When I broke up w/my girlfriend Sheri, she tried cheering me up by helping my self esteem; she paid for my first piercing, and about a month later she paid for a bleach job for my hair. She even went and bought some home supplies(silverware, coffe maker) for my new apartment. She still would joke with me about being the 'Evil stepmom' though she was so far from it. I was the stepkid but she treated me like her son, with dignity, when she did not have to. I don't want to get into the fact she could have been saved- maybe. But there are some doctors with too many 'gut' feelings and not enough bedside manner, or empathy. Trust not the Veteran's Hospital of San Bernardino, California. That's all I have to say about that...

In 1997, I fell in love with someone's pic in the newspaper. I did not see her face, just a similarity we shared... I never did anything about it, That sounds more like a problem. Chasing down someone from a newspaper article? Can you say 'stalker'? No thanks. I went on with my life. About a year later, I had a little get together at my pad. My friend Shannon(Who STILL is a very good friend to this day) brought a friend with her. It was the girl from the paper.

My world stopped.

No, wait. Back up. Let's start earlier...

For six years, I had a girlfriend.

We had a daughter in 92, and moved to California in 94. My daughter's name is T'ria.Things did not go as planned for me and Sheri(guess who that is), so we split up. We knew it was better for us. She was a Colorado girl where I was the California boy. We went on with our separate lives and we still are civil with each other to this day, and I love my daughter very much. So I lived my life as an artist, painting and writing and making music. I had many friends, and there was a time I felt I could've had a great career in art. Work, come home, paint, have weekend jam outs with a few friends, maybe even sell some of my artwork. I did have a few potential buyers...

Then I met Salem. Sweet, stunning, beautiful Salem. A name of a cigarette I first smoked. All my attention went to her. Damn this is difficult... A gothic Goddess of unbelievable proportions. Without thinking too much into it, she was petite, and had a back that was so beautiful that I wrote a song about it. Her smile was like Harley Quinn's from Batman(yes the stupid Cartoon). If you seen Harley before, you know what I mean. A smile to die for... Black hair, and a few piercings, and dressed to the hilt. It was like- magic... We hit it off right away, and everyone knew it....

I have(had) a Superman complex. At risk to my own life, I have stopped three beer runs, all ending up with convictions(Sorry Bros, no free beer for me, no free beer for you). I even stopped a purse snatcher, and saved a toddler from falling head first down the stairs. Think it's a lie if you want but it's all true. She told me a while later that she was having problems with her ex. Ripping open my shirt to show her  "S" on my chest, I told her there wasn't any problem. And there wasn't. I never met him face to face, and no threats were made on either side.

We did everything together. We loved the same music,  cooked dinner for each other, got engaged and entually married in 98.

Then soon after, I met another ex. Except this time I knew him. Salem told me later that she had to get a restraining order on him. But I never knew Markus to be like that. And besides, these hearts in my eyes were enough to keep me busy. Then she told me how her Grandfather had molested her when she was like 13 or 14. Her mom confirmed this and even told me how SHE was also molested when she was young. Wow, I thought. These darnn hearts. Later, Salem told me how two words affected her for the worst. These words hurt everytime someone said either one of them.

I had another painting I wanted to do. 'Wings Kissing', I called it. Then I did another, 'CatDragonAnkh' I named it. Then there was 'Your possible pasts'. I sold that one for $80! I did a nude of Salem called 'Lilith'. Then 'Redlands Sunset'. In between all that were eight songs I wrote. I'm on a roll.

Nipples.

And vagina.

It's hard to say those words still. I never mentioned anything about my piercings again. It was difficult around friends and family as well. She would hear one of those words and she'd cut herself off from the world. I would say 'Instant headache' or something to excuse ourselves. Movies were a pain too. Could not enjoy one. "The story of us"  with Bruce Willis, and Michelle Pfpfpfhfheiffer. A lady talking about "The vagina..." longingly.  Fight Club; "I am Jill's nipples"... It was like watching someone getting hit by a car.

I mixed my acrylics carefully to get the right colors. I did an awesome masterpiece. 'Carnage'- Spidey's foe.That one is on my journal site.  Because of that, I get into the movies for free whenever I want. I, am an artist... I am Superman... I'm dead.

The WTC Towers fall.

My dad tells me Hilda is sick. Her back had been hurting. They think it's costocondritis. Shit, I thought. In her back?

My daughter asks if she can live with me and Salem. We go down for Christmas, and pick her up from Colorado. I introduce Salem to my mom. We go back to California and T'ria wants to see Grandma, but she is always laying down. T'ria is doing better in school too! She won the Science fair for fourth grade level. She made a hotdog get sucked inside a bottle. The judges laughed at the show, but were amazed at her explanation of a vacuum inside the bottle. Yes, of course I helped. But it was all her. I just held the fire extinguisher. I am Spock. I'm a daddy.

Hilda is still sick. They think it's meningitis. The doctor's 'gut' told him. they gave her more pain pills. T'ria only saw her once. Her back is really hurting. The doctor told her to put her lipstick on and get back out in the world. The doctor doesn't want to get up every morning either, but he still does. Grin and bear it.

I wrote a few more songs. And T'ria's teacher tells me that my daughter is talkative in class. Her grades are excellent, so she could talk up a storm if she wanted.

Salem is doing great in night school too. I'm working my ass off. I want to paint though. Maybe later...

My dad wanted to get a CT scan done but the doctor said they cost $4000 to get one. Put your lipstick on. It's meningitis. Here's some more pain pills. My dad takes her to get a second opinion. At another place, the doctor gave her a CT scan and found a tumor between her vertibrae on her lower back. The tumor was literally pushing the vertibrae apart. It was breaking her back. We prayed a whole bunch. The tumor had already masticated(popped and entered the bloodstream) It was terminal. They gave her radiation treatments but it was no good. They operated on her back and relieved the pressure but the pain of cancer was now taking over. We prayed. We wanted to give her Chemotherapy, but the cancer was already making her too weak. Too bad. If we would have had the scan done earlier... Hmmm... Never listen to your gut. Or the VA. I'm going to disassemble the Doctors BMW that said for her to put her lipstick on. I owe him and his gut that much thanks.

Hilda died on April 6 2002. It's the day after her funeral, and I am at home and T'ria and Salem are at my dad's. I call up Salem and ask her to bring home a two liter of Pepsi. I ask her about my dad(I was visiting before, but I needed some time alone too.) She tells me "Ok, I'll be home in a bit." I have a hole in my heart. Superman ain't saving shit. I am not spock. I can still smell death. Why?

T'ria climbs over the fence. She is upset. Of course she is. Her Grandma had just died.

"Sometimes I can't stand Salem!" I ask why. I'm coming back to reality. But T'ria doen't answer me. She goes into her room. I unlock the gate and Salem comes in.

"I've had it. You have to make a choice." Salem tells me. I'm thinking of Hilda, but I can't forget what she just told me.

"Eric... Just take care of your family ok? It's going to be alright." I tell her okay, but I can't see her. My eyes are blurred with tears. We say the "Our Father" and "Hail Mary" prayers. I lead because she is weak. They are Catholic prayers. I'm not Catholic. I'm dead.

Salem tells me what happened: On the way home T'ria wanted an ice cream.  Salem said no. Then her cheek was hurting because of her teeth. They were baby teeth. Salem told her to pull them out. T'ria said it wasn't the 'old days' anymore, we have dentists now. But Salem told her that we don't always get what we want. T'ria told her she knew that, because if she could, she would want her mommy and daddy back together.

One of us is going. It's either her or me.

"She's nine. Remember?" I'm thinking of Hilda. She told me to take care of my family.

I have to make a choice now. What would Hilda do? Okay this can't be happening. This is where God sneaks up on you and says "Just joking!" Right?

I want my family back.

T'ria is upset. Salem is upset. I have to be strong for my family. I can't be upset, or have feelings now. It's not like anyone died. Wait. Hilda died. Did everyone forget? I think so.

"Take care of your family, ok? It's going to be alright."

I had to take T'ria to the dentist. Her cheek swelled out like she had a walnut in her mouth. She got two baby teeth pulled. I missed work to take her. Salem wouldn't take her. She wanted the keys to the car. She took off and did not come home until 5 am. Next night, it was 2am. I'm thinking of Hilda when she staggered in the door. I go back to bed. I have to be at work early and she sleeps on the couch as I leave.

She calls me later in the day and says she's leaving and I need to take care of T'ria. I ask her why can't she take her along? I'm working. My boss keeps browbeating me. He's giving me that "Get back to work" look. She says she's leaving. I have to miss more work. I tell her I can't miss more work. Bills remember? She's not her daughter and she's not her responsibility. I tell T'ria to lock the doors, I'll call Grandpa to pick her up. No answer. Shit. Hilda just died. And I wish I could poke my boss in the eye.  T'ria calls me back 40 minutes later. The cops were there. I ask her what happened. They got a call from a 'concerned neighbor',  that I had left her alone all day. They checked to make sure she had food and wasn't playing with knives or was locked in the closet. T'ria knew it was Salem, because she heard the cop lady talking to her on the phone. Okay. That was fucked up.

I call Salem's parents to find out what is going on, and why she is doing this. I get the answering machine. Days go by, and I don't hear from her. I keep calling, but  I still get the answering machine. I'm thinking of Hilda, and T'ria thinks everything is her fault. I am Superman again. I have to be. Superman on a mountain of Kryptonite. The manager calls me and tells me that she put in her thirty day notice, and she wants off the lease asap. And she doesn't want to be held responsible for the damages in the apartment. What damages? I invite him in and I told him everything what happened. Now I'm scared. It's been a week and no contact. He took her off the lease. I ask if I could change the locks. He asks if she's on any drugs.

T'ria calls my work again. Grandpa usually picks her up, but he was going to be late. She parks her bike in the back, and gets ambushed by Salem. She starts yelling at her why she is locked out, and sees T'ria's key on her belt loop. Salem tells her that she is going to get taken away. T'ria says, ok, but she needed to put her bike away. She runs to her friend's house and calls me. Nobody was in the office so I did not get the message for about an hour. I call up my dad and ask for a ride home, explaining what happened. We pick up T'ria and go back home.

Oh. Those damages. My stereo is gone. So is Salem's computer and my computer. All my music is gone. My original music. All gone. I call the cops and he tells me that it's 'community property' and there is nothing I could do about it. I could get a restraining order though.

I go to the courthouse and get restraining orders and divorce papers. I call her parents answering machine to tell them I'm getting a restraining order. I go to "legal Aid" to get divorce papers filled out and the lady tells me, "Hon, don't do the restraining order cause it will make the divorce that much more bitter." So I don't do the resraining order.

"{Take care of your family, ok? It's going to be alright."

I show up to work at my usual time, 9:00 and there was a message for me from a 'Sarah' Saying that I am supposed to be in court  this morning at 8:30 am. Guess who hit me with a restraining order? She called my family and said I beat her. My family knows me. Then I read the order: In 2001, I repeatedly raped her, and beat her. She wrote that I said I could cause I'm married to her and that allows me to do it. I think she got that from Jerry Springer. Now I had to go to court for this. I talk to my legal aid lady and she tells me she was in trying to get a divorce too. I told her of the restraining order she got against me. She told me not to worry about it. T'ria is scared and wants to go back to Colorado... I told Sheri and she got ticked. She said if I needed a character witness she would do it. She was ticked about what Salem did to T'ria too.

Two days later I was served with another. With love, from her mom. She used all the times I called to try to get it on me. I needed to do my homework. I looked up about restraining orders, and how they are used as 'light sabres' in the dance of the divorce, and how easily they can be acquired. Even horror stories of people who never had a criminal record being jailed for reaching over the fence to pet HIS dog.

The court day came for both of the restraining orders. Her mom lost. I told the judge, what happened, and why I called. I told him that all they needed to do was pick up the phone and say not to call. Salem wanted 5 years and 300 yards. The judge gave her 50 and 3 years. I don't want to be that close to her. Anymore. Now I spend more money I don't have and take my daughter back to Colorado. She tells me sorry, but she is scared of Salem. I told her I was too.

I missed my divorce date. My cousin was going to give me a ride but we woke up to find his vehicle gone. We called the cops to find out it was towed. We call the tow yard to verify his car was there. It was. We told them we were going to pick it up. They said, "With what?"

His car was torched. Everyone knew it was her. Nobody likes to park in the front anymore. I was feeling pathetic, a loser and alone. Then someone gave me "Fight Club". I missed it because of Jill's nipples, remember? I have watched it over 60 times since. It's my Bible.

Take care of your family, ok? It's going to be alright.... I'm alone now...I used this time to write a story of redemtion for me. It's called "Red Roots". I spent all my time alone. I painted a beautiful portrait of a nude redhead Faery. I wrote more music.  In December my dad got a tattoo of Hilda in loving memory... So did I. but It's not a tattoo really.

"Have You seen Fight Club?" Somebody asked me. I breathed, ate and lived Fight Club. I lift up my hand. This isn't a tattoo, this, is a chemical burn. People back away from me. I tell them yes lye does burn and yes it hurts really bad. but it wasn't the worst pain I felt. I have never been to court so many times in my life. My first parking ticket I got was also the first time I made an appearance in court.

Hilda died on April 6, 2002.

My divorce was finalized on February 27, 2003.

Me and My daughter email each other all the time, and she is coming out to visit this summer.

I'm an artist, I'm a musician, I'm a daddy, I'm Spock and...

I'm Dead... To Salem.

Update: Currently living in Colorado and I see my daughter all the time.