LAYOUT BY PEACHIE

She stumbled to the bathroom, tripping over random objects on her floors, after what seemed like a marathon walk she made it to the toilet. She hugged it tight, suddenly the throbbing pain that had been lingering in the pit of her stomach was subdued. Sadly though the numbness was not. The cruel reality she tried so hard to run away from was still there. She stepped into the shower and turned the knob, as the water heated up she slowly walked over to the medicine cabinet. A rush of relief followed when she say her two thin razor blades had laid undiscovered in the old perfume box on the top shelf. She took one out and laid it carefully on the side of the tub, the water was now steaming as she stepped into the shower, the same place she had visited time and time again when she prepared herself to do the one thing she still had control over. She could not feel the now scolding water and continued to turn the knob until it reached the max. She kneeled down and stared at the old, faded, and even somewhat new cuts that decorated her legs and arms. She stared at the deep incision she had made in her inner leg that faithful night. She remembered searching for that damn vain that ran from the inner hip to the foot, she remembered rushing to the hospital and the stitches it had taken. She flashed back to reality, back to the moment she was in now and flicked the metal switch, plugged the drain and watched as the water slowly crept up the sides of the tub. Although no one was home, well actually no one was ever really around, especially when she got in her mood she always flocked to the shower the one place no one would walk in and too there horror find her bleeding. The tub was about ¾ of the way full now and the hot water had started to run out. The scolding water slowly turned to freezing, she didn’t notice the change. Still relished in her problems and self-pity, she rolled over to find the same blade she had taken out about 10 minutes ago. With a shaking hand she lifted it from its little puddle of left over water and examined it. After about 3 minutes she pulled it closer to her wrist, she closed her eyes, thought of her boyfriend among over problems and started dragging across her skin. She applied little pressure knowing that if she needed stitches and her mom were to find out it would hurt her too so she made a steady line, straight down. Two more followed on the top and the bottom of the line making it looked somewhat like an I. The wounds started tripping blood into the now overflowing bat of water and she moved about an inch higher and made yet another gash. She stared down at the blood stained water, and the lines of blood that seemed to be frozen in the water that resembled that of the ones on her arm. She longed to feel, anything, good or bad, hurtful or joyful. She new in the morning she would regret it but she pulled the razor to her thigh. It already had fading cut, from a few days weeks even months ago she started to cut her self. She closed her eyes yet again and thought of the reasons she was doing this. Unsure about her self, and what people might think she went into the depressing state of rage she had felt so many times before. She cut her self with increasing speed and aggression she finally pulled her self to stop and stared at what she had done. There on her leg lay at least 15 gashes cover by thick dark blood. Knowing that this frantic cry for help would persist if she stayed alone, in her old world. She climbed out of the tub and pulled her towel tightly around her. She walked into her room sat on her bed and finally after a day from hell she finally found relief. Making sure no one was home she dropped her robe, carelessly throwing it on the ground and searched through her drawers to find a long sleeve shirt and long pants. She put her clothes on, grabbed her lighter and started for the outside. She sat on her steps deep in though. She took another drag of her cigarette and noticed a bunch of kids playing. She stared mesmerized between her cigarette and the children. She wondered what powers this little bit of tobacco had and how it always, without a doubt calmed her. She thought of all the shit she was going through, all she had done, and all that was in store for her. She couldn’t help but wonder if those kids knew what problems that would come with adolescence. And for the first time in a great while …… she longed to be back as a child …… back when her biggest fear was missing the power rangers… for once in her life she longed for ignorance, because as we all no ignorance is bliss.

LAYOUT BY PEACHIE