Last Christmas I drove around for hours after I had left work early.
My family had gathered at my house to share the joy of the season
But I couldn't force myself to sit through it all and pretend I was happy.
I drove around on the snow covered roads listening to the radio
Searching for a depressing song to cry to.
I found myself sitting in front of your house.
Wondering what you were doing or if your thought were of me.
Now it's almost that time again.
And despite all my efforts I fear nothing has changed.
I won't go sit outside your house this year in the cold.
And I won't be pretending for family that claims they understand me.
I didn't just go though all that for nothing.
Something changed although I'm not sure what.
I just won't put myself through that again.
If I apologize than I would be admitting yet another mistake I made.
And to be perfectly honest i cant take that right now.
It feels like for the longest time all I have been doing is taking the blame for everything.
It feels like all that has gone wrong has been my fault.
Maybe it all was,
Maybe it wasn't.
I don't know.
I don't want to care.
I just cant say I'm sorry for this.
You can hate me for it but I'm telling you now I just cant.
Maybe in time I will be strong enough
But I wont expect you to wait around.
I just cant
I hope you understand.
I feel so far away from everything.
It's hard for me to find anything I recognize.
Everything is so unclear.
When I was with him the other night it was amazing.
And I want that feeling again.
Will it ever happen?
When I spoke with him on the phone
He sounded distant.
As if he was unsure if he wanted to be talking to me.
As you walked in the world of dreams.
I couldn't force myself to touch you
But I couldn't bring myself to leave.
I stayed and listened to the demons in my head.
Wanting to fall asleep but not being able to.
Asking myself over and over what was I doing there.
I've been loving you for what seems to be forever.
We've been through so much together.
And we always find our way back to each other.
But what I've come to realize
Is the best time for loving you is when we are asleep.
I awoke in the middle of the night
With your arms wrapped around me.
As I touched your skin you turned over
I turned with you and my arms fit around your body.
A familiar comforting feeling came over me and I drifted off again.
I didn't stop to think that a few moments ago
I didn't even want to be in the same room with you.
Although in my heart they will remain forever.
Not just the words but the emotion behind them.
But time goes by,
And time is the only thing that can heal me.
Not words or drugs or drinks,
Not another persons love,
Not lying to myself.
When I said I was over you.
Instead of saying it with my lips,
I should've said it with my heart.
But I was nieve,
The one word you use to describe me.
And I let you break my heart again.
