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Pamela Paulshock's A Series of Unfortunate Events |
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You've seen the movie, now witness the horror. This week, Pamela Paulshock participates in a Diva's Videoshoot in Santo Domingo. As she sets off on her journey to the gorgeous island, a series of unfortunate events get in the way. Can she make it to Santo Domingo? Can she make it in one piece?
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Scene One-You can't say bomb on an airplane. |
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
Dude,
why are we flying coach?
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
Helllo....You.
Wrestler. Not the president of the United States.
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
Oh
right. This sucks. I wanna sit in First Class and do what people in first
class..you know...do!
Tiffany laughs out loud, causing people to look around and stare at her.
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
We
so do not belong in first class.
Pamela snorts.
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
You're
right. Who needs the..the champagne and the crabs and the caviar and the-
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
Dude...
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
...and
the stewards that wait on you hand and foot-
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
Dude!
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
...with
the clean bathrooms that don't stink-
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
DUDE!
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
What?
I was getting to the point. Who needs all that when I have my best friend right here
to suffer with me!
Tiffany rolls her eyes.
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
Oh,
let's get this plane going! I wanna go to Santo Domingo! ::turns to
Tiffany:: It's gonna be so much fun. I'm gonna get to take some pictures,
check out the hot guys while you- Why the hell are you coming? You're not a
diva.
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
Come
on, Pam. You know I'm about as much as diva as you. Why else do I get paid? I've
got my own fan base!
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
That's
totally weird but understandable. I mean, I bring you to a show and you just
BLOW UP! It's like an EXPLOSION or something, ya know?
Passengers gasp and look around. An old woman with a bad heart faints in the aisle. A woman breast feeding turns, removes the nipple from the baby's mouth and causes it to cry. Chaos breaks out.
::Panicking
Woman::-Who the hell
cares?::
OH
MY GOD I THINK I JUST HAD A BABY! WE ARE ALL GONNA DIE!
::Panicking
Woman::-Some Titanic
Extra::
HELP
US! LORD HELP US!
A man walks up to her and taps her on the shoulder.
::Titanic
Director::-James
Cameron::
Wrong
movie, lady.
::Panicking
Woman::-Some Titanic
Extra::
Oh.
She calmly walks off the plane. A steward arrives at the scene.
::Calm
Steward::-Jiggy
Boobiez::
What's
going on here?
::Witness
Who Didn't See A Thing Because He Arrived Two Seconds Ago::-Michael
Jackson's Accuser::
That
blonde lady said that the plane was gonna explode! She said that and she touched
me.
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
What?!
That kid's totally lying! I DO NOT TOUCH LITTLE BOYS! And- and he's just mad
because Michael Jackson was acquitted and he didn't get any money!
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
Yeah!
What she said!
::Witness
Who Didn't See A Thing Because He Arrived Two Seconds Ago::-Michael
Jackson's Accuser::
But-
::Calm
Steward::-Jiggy
Boobiez::
Well,
clearly you said something because these people are in a panic!
She looks around to see passengers ripping seats from the floor. Some are huddle in a corner, burning cushions. A woman dressed in clothing from 1912 walks back on the plane.
::Panicking
Woman::-Some Titanic
Extra::
She
clearly said EXPLOSION and BLEW UP!
Everyone stares at her.
::Panicking
Woman::-Some Titanic
Extra::
Fine!
I'm leaving...
She walks off the plane as the instrumental version of "My Heart Will Go On" plays in the background. Pamela's voice interrupts it mid-chorus.
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
I
said explosion and blew up but it was in the context of-
Police officers come rushing onto the plane with their guns raised.
::Airport
Security::-Eatz
Downutz::
FREEZE!
GET DOWN! GET DOWN ON THE GROUND!
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
But
I-
::Airport
Security::-Eatz
Downutz::
DOWN!
DOWN NOW!
The cop tazers Pamela. Tiffany tries to speak in her defense but gets tazered as well.
::Calm
Steward::-Jiggy
Boobiez::
Is
that necessary?
::Airport
Security::-Eatz
Downutz::
Ma'am,
we're dealing with some very serious criminals. I'm afraid these
are....terrorists.
Everyone on the plane gasps. Several cops drag the unconscious bodies of Pamela Paulshock and Tiffany Evans off of the plane.
|
Scene Two-The Interrogation Room. |
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
Look!
We're not terrorists!
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
Yeah!
We don't even have turbans! We're not even Muslim!
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
Dude!
You're gonna get us shot...Not every terrorist is a Muslim.
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
Oh
whatever. Do we even look like terrorists?
::Idiot
Detective::-Hermy
Bigwort::
Terrorists
come in all shapes in sizes....preferably tan with turbans and long beards..
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
That
is so stereotyping.
::Idiot
Detective::-Hermy
Bigwort::
Stereo-what?
It doesn't matter! I'm the head honcho around here! I ask all the questions!
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
But
that wasn't a question.
::Idiot
Detective::-Hermy
Bigwort::
IRRELEVANT!
You two are terrorists and I am gonna get you to admit it one way or another!
Who are you? Who do you work for?
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
Well,
I'm Tiffany Evans..your resident slut. I help men have a good time. Oh yeah, I
get paid to hang out with my best friend.
::Idiot
Detective::-Hermy
Bigwort::
Is
this some kind of terrorist code?
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
We're
WRESTLERS! For the UPW? Well, I'm a wrestler and she...she hangs out. Anyway!
We're on our way to Santo Domingo to shoot-
::Idiot
Detective::-Hermy
Bigwort::
To
SHOOT the leader and BLOW UP THE MOST IMPORTANT MONUMENT!
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
What
the hell's in Santo Domingo worth blowing up?
The detective stares at them, silent. He blinks. Pamela blinks. Tiffany sighs and runs a hand over her breast.
::Idiot
Detective::-Hermy
Bigwort::
Right.
Well, if you're not going there to blow something then why would a terrorist
want to go to Santo Domingo?
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
Well,
I'm going to Santo Domingo for a Divas Photo shoot and- HEY! I am not a
terrorist!
::Idiot
Detective::-Hermy
Bigwort::
Oh
yeah? Then what about....this?!
He hands them a photo. Pamela and Tiffany look on in disbelief.
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
That
looks nothing like me! Maybe Tiffany if she doesn't shave for a month-
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
HEY!
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
You
do have that upper lip problem.
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
You
weren't supposed to tell anyone about that!
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
Anyway
it looks nothing like us! First of all, there are five people in that
picture.
::Idiot
Detective::-Hermy
Bigwort::
Terrorists
have friends.
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
God
you're annoying! That's not even a real picture! Is that....Osama Bin Laden with
the...Teletubbies? DUDE! That is so not right! WI'm not even supposed to be here
today!
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
Shut
up Dante!
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
Screw
you Randall! I have a Diva Shoot to get to!
::Idiot
Detective::-Hermy
Bigwort::
Is
this some kind of terrorist code?
Both Pamela and Tiffany turn to look at him.
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
WE
ARE NOT TERRORISTS!
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
WE
ARE NOT
TERRORISTS!
::Idiot
Detective::-Hermy
Bigwort::
Oh
you're terrorists, all right. I'll prove it or my name isn't Mathew Paige Damon.
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
It
isn't.
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
Yeah.
It's the name of that totally hott actor I tried to screw but he had a
girlfriend and I think he's engaged to her anyway. Doesn't matter because I
think he has a relationship with Ben Affleck and they're secretly-
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
Tiffany!
This is not the time.
Tiffany shrugs. Just then, two officers come walking through the door. They hold two criminals that look exactly like Pamela Paulshock and Tiffany Evans with one exception......they have Osama beards.
::Weasley
Twin::-Oliver Phelps::
Sir,
I'm afraid we've made a mistake.
::Weasley
Twin::-James Phelps::
Yeah.
These are the ones you were looking for.
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
Holy
shit! Weren't you two in Harry Potter?
::Weasley
Twin::-James Phelps::
Yes
were were but-
::Weasley
Twin::-Oliver Phelps::
After
we left Hogwarts and failed in professional Quidditch, we decided to become
police officers.
::Weasley
Twin::-James Phelps::
And
here we are.
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
Now
do you believe me?
::Idiot
Detective::-Hermy
Bigwort::
No....but
you may go.
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
But
what about our luggage?
::Idiot
Detective::-Hermy
Bigwort::
Oh
that? Well, after we found out you were terrorists, we dismantled and torched
them.
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
Un-friggen-believable.
Now how the hell are we supposed to get to Santo Domingo and what are we gonna
wear?
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
We'll
improvise.
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
HOW?!
Hermy walks up to them and hands them two quarters.
::Idiot
Detective::-Hermy
Bigwort::
That
should be enough for a cab.
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
But-
Before they can even get another word in, they are kicked out of the room. Pamela sighs and leans against the door.
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
This
sucks.
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
Could
be worse. We could be stranded with no money or clothes in the middle of Mexico.
|
Scene Three-We're gonna get there. |
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
This
sucks..
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
Think
positive, Pam.
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
Okay, this
positively sucks!
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
That's
better.
Pamela gives a sarcastic smile.
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
Let's
see, we got tazered, arrested, labeled terrorists, lost our luggage, and are now
WALKING THROUGH THIS HOT FREAKING LAND WITH NO MEANS OF TRANSPORTATION
WHATSOEVER!
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
Look on the bright side. At least we're not in Mexico.
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
Meh,
you have a point.
Just then, a beat up old cab comes huffing its way past them. Inside is some weird looking man. Actually, he's very creepy.
::Gross
and Creepy::-Stinky
Joe::
You ladies
nee a ride?
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
Uh...just
a minute.
Pamela pulls Tiffany to the side.
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
Dude!
What are you doing? That's our ride!
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
Dude!
It's a creepy old man driving! He's like eighty..I don't even think he'll make
to to the location.
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
Who
cares? Anything's beter than walking through the hot sun...Come on!
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
Fine!
But if we get murdered..I'm so gonna kill you!
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
It
won't matter to me. I'd already be dead! HA!
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
Whatever.
Pamela jokingly rolls her eyes. They get inside the cab and immediately cling to each other.
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
Dude,
it totally reeks in here.
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
It
does. What is that smell?
::Gross
and Creepy::-Stinky
Joe::
Oh,
don't worry about that. My second cousin who is also my wife and my sister died
back there.
Pamela and Tiffany jump up, hitting their heads on the roof. They rub their foreheads.
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
OW!
::Gross
and Creepy::-Stinky
Joe::
I'm
just pullin' your hamstring. But she really is my cousin, sister, and wife. Anyway,
where are you ladies going?
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
Uh,
there's this photo shoot with the divas of the UPW.
::Gross
and Creepy::-Stinky
Joe::
Oh
I know about that! That shoot is only one minute away.
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
Seriously?
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
So
we didn't need to get intot his GROSS cab that smells like something that
crawled up Bobbi Billard's ass?
::Gross
and Creepy::-Stinky
Joe::
Righty
you are!
The old man turns and smiles. It looks like his teeth are in jail.
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
Sick
man! Close your mouth!
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
Yeah,
nobody wants to see that!
::Gross
and Creepy::-Stinky
Joe::
Whatever
you say, darlin.
The two shudder. Minutes later, the car pulls to as top at the photo shoot location. They get out.
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
FINALLY!
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
YES!
::Gross
and Creepy::-Stinky
Joe::
If
you need anything else, I'll be waiting for your call!
He winks at them.
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
Gross.
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
Totally.
::Photo shoot
Director::-Marty
Hufferman::
Wait!
You can't go there!
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
What
now?
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
Yeah.
We've been through, like, hell already.
::Photo shoot
Director::-Marty
Hufferman::
You
need to cut promo. It's standard procedure. Just look pretty and talk.
Pamela sighs.
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
Fine.
They set up the cameras and Pamela sits down in a seat. As the cameras start rolling, she begins to talk.
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
Well,
what can I say? This is a photo shoot. This isn't a ring where the toughest girl
wins. This is about beauty. Looks. What the hell am I talking about? I can still
win this thing! I'm likable. People like me, right, Tiffany?
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
Yeah,
they do.
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
Yeah,
I'm totally hot. Just the other day I had this guy-
::Photo shoot
Director::-Marty
Hufferman::
AHEM!
::Simply
Electrifying::-Pamela Paukshock::
Do
you need a cough drop or something? Anyway, how the hell do you campaign to
become Miss UPW? I don't care if I win or lose. It's not like I fought through
hell and back to get here. Although I did go through hell but that's beside the
point. This photo shoot is pretty much my way of saying that I'm back. I don't
care if I get the title or not. I'm just out here to have some fun and
look hott while I'm doing this. Besides, who the hell wants to vote for someone
like Molly Holly? Ha! Maybe at the Miss Krispy Kreme Pageant. She's carrying two
loads there. If anything, you're gonna need a wider lens to shoot her. I know the
movie King Kong is supposed to come out soon but is there any reason to start
promoting now? Wow! That early, huh. Molly likes to call herself an Angel but
Angels need to fly and with Molly's extra luggage, that is impossible. Well,
unless she has another pair of wings for her ginormous ass. Man I'm on a roll today! But
yeah, Molly has about as good of a chance as Clay Aiken to win this thing. God,
Clay, he looks like a little boy in drag. He's gayer than..well...Carson Kressly
and Jack McFarland if that's even possible. So does that mean I get to call
Molly Holly Clay Aiken? Hehe, I think I will. So Clay, now that you've lost to
American Idol, how will you cope with losing the title of Miss UPW? I know, it's
hard. I'd tell you to let Ruben Studdard comfort you but judging by the size of
your ass, you two have already spent some sleepless nights eating a bowl of ice
cream and watching When Harry Met Sally. Oh! Too bad! I guess we'll have to look
for someone else. Bobbi Billard perhaps? Or should I call her Busty Blue Balls?
Ahh..Bobbi. Big Boobie. Whatever you wanna call her. Ha, another newbie who
walks in with a big head. She got a title match on her first shot..Wooooooooow.
*stares wide eyed* But what was the outcome, I must ask? Oh wait a minute. It
was a loss! But that doesn't matter here, does it? It's about being hott. Well,
you've got big boos. Blonde hair. A recipe for a winner? Maybe not. See, what
makes a person attractive is totally not their looks..Well, not all, anyway.
It's their personality. You lack that. All you are is a busty blonde who thinks
that she owns the place. Who's gonna wanna vote for someone with the looks of a
porn star but with a personality as attractive as...Al Gore? And believe me, nobody
likes him. So, I guess that means you lose out Boobie. Unlike you, I'm actually likeable!
Maybe I will win this Photo shoot thing. People will look at Kim Page and
automatically vote her out. I mean, come on! She's like a drag queen.
She's Huggo Weaving in a dress! It's not a pretty sight! And Trish Stratus?
Stale. If we've seen her one..twice. okay, a million times, we've had ENOUGH.
So, there's only one obvious choice for Miss UPW. It's not Torrie. It's not
Twiggy Long Legs aka Stacy Keibler. Has she heard of something called a sandwich?
It's worse than Lindsey Lohan and Renee Zellwegger. I beg you, Stacy, EAT
SOMETHING BEFORE YOU DIE!! Anyway... It's not even that retarded rag doll
Christy Hemme. Miss UPW is beautiful and someone the people actually like. It's
me! Hey, Marty, ya like that one?
::Photo shoot
Director::-Marty
Hufferman::
Great!
Let's go!
::Simply
Shocking and Seductive::-Tiffany
Evans::
Finally