Impossible Of Me By Temptation Eyes
	Hello all. This is my latest work, its the story of Matt and Jeff Hardy, as told from Matt's point of view. It begins when Jeff is 16 and Matt is 19. It will go on up through their WWF/e years, im not sure how far yet. For now its jsut PG, but fear not. Im not that cruel lol. now, i dont own them, so dont sue me... but if i DID own them... phew... and they think matt walks funny now?! H okay okay, enough of being goofy. feedback is my addiction, so please be my suppplier. and if you want any of my work on your site, tho no one seems to :*( jsut let me know, okay? here we go (p.s. yeah the story is named after jeff's poem) Impossible of Me It all started about the time Jeff was sixteen or so. We were wrestling then, in any number of Indy Feds we could get to give us ring time. Driving around all over the place with the Stallion in that van, packed in with the other guys for hours on end to wrestle our match, get our twenty bucks, which usually went for gas money, then get back in the van again. Get home and have to listen to Dad's umpteenth "reality" speech. I was really starting to hate the Post Office. Jeff was growing up so fast, sometimes I worried about him. Well, I always worried about him, he's my little bro after all. I always took care of him. Mother and Father now, since our Dad had to work two jobs. It was almost like I was the only family Jeff had at times. And vice versa. Jeff was the person I always knew would be there for me. But getting back to it, how odd that one of the biggest revelations about Jeff Hardy should come to me by accident, and in that cramped, stuffy van. We were on our way back from a show, I don't even remember what town it was in now. Jeff and I had somehow managed the get the very back seat, which could fit three people, all to ourselves. It was pretty late by then, and most of the guys were alseep. I myself had been trying to doze off, but sleep just wasn't my freind that night. I opened my eyes, and my gaze was immediately drawn to the light coming from my left. Jeff, who had gotten the window seat, was writing something in the journal book he always carried with him, using the little book light I had gotten him to see by. I smiled softly, watching my little brother for a moment, feeling a small measure of pride that I'd had the foresight enough to buy that little clip on light when I saw it. His head was bent, knees up on the seat infront of him, the journal resting on his thighs. He was concentrating so hard on the page, I couldn't hold back from reading what he was working so hard on. As I read, my eyebrows went higher and higher up on my foredhead until I would have been sure they'd joined up with my hairline for good. It was a poem, and a damn good one at that. Jeff's always had a skill for words that I can't help but marvel. And I know I'm not alonoe in that. But it was the content of the poem that had me shocked. Extremely emotional and very confused the words, it seemed, pleaded with me for help of some kind. As if the poem had a life force and conciousness all its own, and needed help. Was calling for help. And my little brother was scrawling these words down from his own mind. His own heart. The poem was about a nameless, faceless entity, who seemed to tempt and perplex. Nameless... faceless... but most definitely... Male. Jeff was struggling with his sexuality? and hadn't told me about it? I was contemplating what I should or shouldn't do in this situation, when his hand stilled on the page. He looked up, at the window, perhaps staring into the night and rushing scenery for inspiration. But the small reading light illuminated the glass, mirroring back the inside of the van on its smooth surface. Jeff saw me. Saw me watching him. Saw me reading his words. His mouth dropped open in shock, and he whirled towards me, no doubt making certain his eyes weren't playing tricks on him. Once he saw that iw as indeed watching him, his skin went pale, his eyes wide with shock and fear. He inhaled, going to say something, but I reacted faster. I quickly put my left arm around his shoulders, pulling him to me, pressing our heads together. I didn't want any of the others to wake up or turn around and ask what was going on. He was breathing heavy now, fast. I was afraid he might hyperventilate. He tried to whisper, "Matt, I-" "Shhhh..." I shushed him gently, cliking the light off and cloing his book. "When we get home," I breathed quiet as a mouse. I could hear him gulp, and he nodded. I gave his arm a reasurring squeeze and his breathing started to slow. Thank God for small favors. My mind was whirling and it seemed like an eternity to Cameron. After about a million years, we finally pulled up to our house, and said goodbye to the tohers, and thanked Stallion yet again. When they drove away, Jeff turned to me, eyes like a deer in headlights, his journal clutched to his chest. I put my hand on his shoudler and turned him towards the house. "Come on," I said gently, guiding him towards it. We sat down on the porch, face to face and talked. Poor Jeff was so confused about what he was going through. He said the worst of it was, he didn't think he could tell even me about any of it. He didn't want me to hate him. My heart wrenched at that, but somehow it made me smile. And I suppose you can imagine the look on Jeff Hardy's face when he found out that yes, even his big brother Mattew Moore Hardy was attracted to guys. After he got over his initial shock, and relief, he was a bundle of curiosity. He had to know everything I could tell him. He asked so many questions about me. How long had I liked guys, did anyone else know, had I been with a guy yet, what did we do, was it weird to kiss another guy. Had I had sex with a man? I answered each question as best I could, not holding back on anything if I could help it. After his frenzy of inquiry, Jeff just looked sleepy. It had ben a rough match, and with the added emotional drain, he was almost nodding off right there on the porch. I smiled affectionately at him. His green-hazel eyes barely able to stay open, the sleepy grin on his face, the blonde bangs brushing over his forehead. So much the boy still, but fast becoming a man. I was very proud of him. All the time I felt it, and it made me feel good inside. I stood and helped him to his feet. Instead of turing to go into the house, as I had suggested, he wrapped his arms around me warmly. I returned the hug, pressing my lips to his temple, as I always did. "Thanks Matt," he said, the two words holding a world of emotion. That's Jeff for you. Extreme even in simplicity. I nodded, and squeezed him once more, shooing him off to bed as soon as we got inside. Before I went to bed myself,ad I had every night since our mother passed, I stopped by Jeff's door, peaking in to check on him. He was already out, as I knew he would be. I closed the door silently, and went off to my own bed. Little did I know that this very habit would change my world forever one night. It was about a year later maybe. Jeff was seventeen now, growing more and more every day. He had begun maturing a little later than I had, and his body seemed to be trying to make up for the lost time. His voice was cracking, and he was shaving regularly. Heh, and we all know where that lead. His physique was filling out nicely, though his tummy still "pooched" a little he complained. I still thought he just looked cute that way. After all, it seems my baby belly never went away all together, now did it? He was beginning, like me, to try and let his hair grown out, and it fell in his eyes more than anything else. We were working more and more. By that time, I had already left for my one year of college, coming back to help out, and take care of Jeff, when our father fell ill. I didn't mind. I'd do anything for my family. Especially little brother Jeff. I've already explained why. Jeff hated his landscaping job, though it left him with a very nice tan and helped to develop his muscles. His face remained boyish, as it always would, but at that time was still so child-liks as to be almost feminine. His voice, as I said, was cracking, and still, for the most part, the same Jeff Hardy voice I'd known forever. Not quite so high pitched as his "Mean Jimmy-Jack Thompson" days, though. He'd become quite popular with the ladies by that time, and we all know why. No matter what age, Jeff is Jeff. People are drawn to my brother like moths to a flame. Though he was still attracted to men, he never seemed to pursue it. I caught him flirting a few times, but nothing that could lead to anything more serious. But he was young yet, and I figured he was trying to fit it more, and become more comfortable with the man he was becoming. He was very close with Shannon at that time, and I had the slight suspicion there was more going on there than they let on, but he never said anything to me about it, and since he seemed to talk to me about everything, I assumed it was jsut my imagination. It was summer break, so Jeff was off from school, working for the landscapers and working out. Wreslting when we could, like always. It was your basic warm North Carolina summer night, the moon was out, and countless stars. Jeff had already gone to bed about an hour before. I was working late on some outfit I was making for one of the other guys. I dunno why, but I just didn't want to leave it unfinished that night. Everyone says I'm a bit of a perfectionist, so I suppose it was shining out that night. I finally put the finishing touches on the outfit, and sighed with satisfaction at my good work. I folded it up neatly, putting it away until I would give it to the guy, and get my pay. I stretched and yawned, looking at the clock and seeing it was already after midnight. Passed my bedtime, and I suddenly felt just how tired I was. As i moved about, doing my nightly check of the house, my mind wandered to a girl I had my eye on. Thinking about her lythe body and sweet scent got me to thinking it might be a good idea to have a littel jerk before I went to sleep. After switching off the machine and checking to make sure the lights were off, I headed down the hall to my bedroom, pausing outside Jeff's door. I was moving by feel and instinct, since the hall light was off, leaving me in almost total darkness. His light was off, so I assumed he was asleep. I turned the knob and opened the door a bit, careful to be quiet, so as not to wake him, as I did so. I stopped dead, my face flushing hotly. The room was lit only by whatr moonlight could filter in through the window, but it was enough for me to see. Instead of laying, asleep in his bed, Jeff was kneeling on top of the covers, facing away from me. He had one hand gripping the head board, the other infront of him moving in an unmistakeable rhythm. I could hear him panting, moaning softly, it sounded like he was biting his lip, trying to stay quiet. His pajama pants here pushed low enough that I could see the very top of his ass, the smooth skin illuminated by the moonlight. His head hung forward, and his shoulders and back flexed as he moved, sweat glinting bluish on his skin. I shifted, turning to leave, when I was nearly horrified to find that I was hard in my shorts. My brain told me that it was just because I had been thinking about having sex with that girl. I accepted this as fact easily, and started to leave again. "Matt..." I froze, my face flushing all over again. I thought he'd caught me, and opened my mouth to apologize. But when I looked back, he hadn't ceased, hadn't turned. My mind whirled, telling me he was talking about some other Matt he knew. My memory frantically trying to think of someone he knew named Matt. As my brain raced, my eyes stayed glued to my brother. He suddenly let go of the headboard, and pushed his pants down, baring his smooth, round ass to my gaze. I had to bite my lip to choke back the sound of surprise that wanted to escape when he reached back and slid his fingers into himself. I heard his own choked back groan as he moved his hands in unison. His head fell back now, and his back arched. "Oh... Oh please..." he whispered on a soft moan. My eyes grew wide as I realized what was about to happen. I drew a breath by reflex, and- "Matt!" He called it, groaned it, growled it. My name. As he came, his whole body arching back. My vision blurred, black dots dancing in front of my eyes, and my legs gave out. I pulled the door silently closed as I turned and sank to the floor, powerless to stay standing. I ended up sitting on the carpet, leaning agaisnt the wall outside my little brother's room, panting, dazed. My hand hurt, and I realized I had been gripping the door knob hard enough to make my fingers ache. I was hot all over, my skin felt like it was on fire and tingled. I tried to gather my wits, and stood. I walked to my bedroom on wobbley legs, leaning on the wall for support. When I started to automatically change for bed, that was when I found the slick, sticky wetness in my shorts. I gasped and practically threw the garment away when I realized what it was. I had orgasmed from watching my little brother jerk off. And I hadn't even <i>touched</i> myself! I felt like I was about to cry, falling back onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling. As far as I knew, I was the only Matt Jeff knew. My own brother was thinking about me and getting off on it. What was I going to do? What <i>should</i> I do? I thought about it, and came up with few options. I could pretend I didn't know anything, but that seemed nearly impossible. I was flushing all over again jsut thinking about the way he's looked, the way he'd sounded. Saying my name. I could tell him I knew, and make sure, one way or another, that he never thought about me in that way again. There was no way I could do that. I couldn't crush my baby brother no matter what he did. Not my Jeff. Never. As I thought this, I realized there was something else I could do. I could accept it as fact. My baby brother. My baby. I loved him more than anything in the world, and would do anything for him. Was I really thinking about cutting myself off from that? From him and the bond we'd had all our lives? I couldn't. I wouldn't. As I lay there in bed, and looked out at the night sky, I realized that... I wanted Jeff, too. There was no more perfect a human ever created, in my eyes, than my little brother. And whatever he wanted, I would give him. Whatever I had to... I would give up for him. I was falling for my little brother, and loving the drop already. I closed my eyes and prayed for something.... I'm still not sure what. But God help me if I was wrong. For the longest time, I never said a word about what I'd seen to Jeff. It got easier as time went by, to pretend nothing was going on. Harder on my heart as well, as I fell more and more in love with my baby brother everytime I saw him, spoke to him, touched him. With life going on around us, sweeping us along, it was easy to just let myself go with it. Focusing on the work, and getting us out there and making things happen for myself and Jeff, instead of the things my heart and body were really wanting for. Jeff was nineteen in the blink of an eye, and I was twenty-two. We were home, resting on our days off. Home still being the house we'd grown up in. I had been reading a book I'd just bought... don't remember the title now. I was bored by it though, so I got up and went outside to see if Jeff was hanging around somewhere. I thought maybe we could get the other guys rounded up and maybe go do something. I walked around the side of the house and felt my heart drop into my shoes, and fire shoot up my spine. There was the trampoline where Jeff and I and our friends had spent countless hours emulating the wrestlers we'd seen on TV, dreaming of being WWF superstars. And there on the trampoline, lay Jeff, his shirt off, on his side. His back was towards me. Only, Jeff wasn't alone. Even with Jeff's head and body obstructing my view, I knew who it was. Shannon, Jeff's best friend. They were so close, so close together, and Shannon wasn't wearing his shirt either. Then, Shannon reached up, and put his hand on Jeff's bare arm. My stomach twisted painfully. I thought I was going to throw up. "I don't know what to do, Shan." Jeff's voice drifted to me. So confused, a slightly urgent tone to it. "Jeff, I don't know what to tell you. You're my best friend, and I love you..." My blood was thumping in my ears as the words washed over them. Jeff and Shannon. I knew they were close, almost as close as Jeff and I were. I wanted to cry. Jeff and Shannon. My throat was closing up, and I felt faint. I'd never fainted in my life, but it was a definite possibility in that moment. I'd been wrong. For all that time, I'd been wrong. Jeff and Shannon. Not Jeff and Matt. I bit my lip, and started back to the house, where I didn't have to see them together like this. Where I could cry in peace. I'd almost made it our of earshot, when... "I mean, I can handle that you like guys. It's no big thing, but... He's your <i>brother</i> man!" Shannon said a bit louder than they'd been speaking before. I stopped. Stopped walking, stopped moving, stopped breathing. "I know, that Shan. Don't you think I know it?" Jeff's voice came, matching Shannon's raised volume. I turned, back to them, to see Jeff now sitting up over Shannon, so the other had to look up at him. "I've tried, I really have. I can't stop <i>feeling</i> this way!" Jeff threw up his hands, letting out a quiet shout of frustration. Shannon now sat up as well, and put a hand on my brother's arm again. I took a few steps towards the trampoline. "It'll be okay. I'll help you figure it out, Jeff. I mean, it's not like you told Matt," he said, comfortingly. Jeff shook his head. "No. I haven't. He'd <i>kill</i> me." My mouth fell open, and I went to speak instinctively. It was then I remembered that I had to breath. It cut deep that Jeff was... scared... of me. As my brain tried to find a way to tell him he didn't need to fear me, my body went ahead with its own plan. "Jeff." My own voice suprised me, as I didn't plan on speaking at that moment. Suprised me almost as much as it suprised the two younger men sitting on the trampoline. They both jumped and turned towards me. Upon seeing my face, both of them paled. It was obvious they could tell I'd heard them. Jeff sat in silent shock, eyes wide, afraid... sad. Shannon's mouth was open, working silently, his eyes like saucers. "Matt-" He squeaked out. My eyes remained on Jeff's, my little brother dropping his gaze almost immediately. Everything about his posture and breathing exuded one feeling above all others. Shame. "Go home, Shannon," I told the other, my eyes never flicking away from Jeff. He moved, slithering it seemed, off the trampoline. His head hung, his shoulders hunched. Shannon leapt down, and pleaded with me with frantic eyes. "Matt, please..." he started again. Again, I didn't look at him, only repeated myself softly, but firmly. "Go home, Shannon. Now." He took one last pitiful look at Jeff, before grabbing his shirt off the trampoline and running away. I looked at my little brother. My baby brother. "Tell me," I ordered softly. He didn't move, didn't look up, only took a breath and said quietly, "I love you." "You're my brother. I love you, too." He seemed to flinch at that. He took another breath, his body seeming to shudder. "No, Matt. You don't understand. I <i>love</i> you." His voice was whisper soft, but I heard every word as clear as crystal. I went to him, then, slowly. With every step, his body tensed a little more. As I moved, the realization struck me, that he thought I was angry. That I was going to hit him, beat him, hurt him for the feelings he had towards me. I had to tell him the truth. I stopped mere inches infront of him, and just breathed. My hand went out to him, and he didn't flinch. I could feel his shame against my skin like heat. Every cell in my body cried out for me to hold him, to show him it wasn't true. He wasn't to feel like that. A single finger made contact, feather light. I trailed it over his chin, then under, pulling his head up. "Look at me," my voice gone, I spoke only with air. He looked. My brown eyes locked with his green. They shone with shame, sorrow, and now confusion. "I do understand, Jeff," I told him. His eyes tried to leave mine. He didn't believe me. Again, my body decided for my mind. I didn't break eye contact with him, as I leaned close, not stopping until only a wisp of air separated my lips from his. "I'm in love with you, little brother," I said, my breath spilling on his soft pink lips. And then those sweet lips touched mine for the first time. I don't know to this day if I kissed him, or he kissed me, or if one of us just shifted and it was an accident. I don't really care either. It happened and that's all that matters. The kiss consumed my whole being, the two pinpoints in the universe where my finger and lips touched him were all that mattered in creation to me. It was over far too soon. We pulled apart, and could only stare at eachother. "I think we should go inside," I told him. He nodded mutely, and we started together for the house. Things never sem to work out like you plan, though, and about halfway to the door, Jeff grabbed my arm and pushed me agianst the house. He pressed his whole body to mine, holding me there, his eyes like green fire, burning into mine. "I need to know this is real, Matthew," he said. "I need to feel it." That's the way Jeff has always been. I nodded shortly, letting him know I understood. He crushed his lips to mine, and I opened up to him, his tongue plunging into my mouth. He tasted like sugar and sex. My baby brother. Need surged through me like a hot wave. I wanted more, God, I needed more. I grabbed his shoulders, and rolled us along the wall, pressing his back to it now, my body flush agaisnt his, from chest to knees. He groaned quietly into my mouth, the sound driving me wild. I tangled my tongue with his again, our hands all over eachother, trying to get more of the other's body than ever before. I refused to break the kiss until I saw spots from lack of oxygen. Our mouths pulled apart with a wet sound, and we both gasped for air. That's when Jeff started crying. "I was so scared, I thought you'd-" I silenced him with a soft kiss. Then pulled back, and spoke gently. "I know, Jeffro. Shhh..." I wrapped my arm around his waist and held him close, leading him into the house, back to my bedroom. Laying him on my bed. He relaxed some, his eyes showing waht he couldn't say. Taking him to <i>my</i> bed instead of his own was just another little way I could show him it was real. I stripped off my shirt, so we would be on the same level of dress and lay with him. We spent some time there, letting our hands learn eachother's bodies in a way we'd never done before. Relearning old curves and dips, retraining our hands to feel skin in a new way. I spent most of that time trying to learn the unique and intoxicated taste of Jeff. His neck, his shoulders, his face, his hands and wrists. His skin was smooth and beautiful, and heavenly pressed to mine, under my mouth. I always returned to his mouth, that sweet, hot mouth that yielded to me, and controlled me in equal measure. We didn't make love then, we both were just now learning how to touch eachother as something more than we'd ever known before. We stayed like that, our bodies tangled together in warmth and sweet pleasure as long as we could. We both knew our father would be home all too soon. When we heard the car pull into the drive, we stood reluctantly, still holding on as we moved to the door to my bedroom. I kissed Jeff soflty, but passionately, craving one last taste before parting. My hands stealing one final loving caress on his skin. "Matt?" he whispered. "Yes, Jeffro?" I responded, softly. "When we are back on the road..." he trailed off, biting his lip in apprehension. I kissed his forehead, trying to smooth away that worry line that creased it. "Shh, baby brother," I comforted. I smiled at him, and after looking into my eyes, he smiled back, the worry slipping from him easily as water off his sweet skin. He never need fear anything from me. It felt good that he knew it. "Until forever," he grinned, kissing me one last time before leaving. I smiled after him, knowing full well what he meant. It felt like forever since we'd touched already.