Still Loving You By forgiven
	Title: Still Loving You Rating: NC-17 **m/m slash** Disclaimers: I don't own them and none of this never happened. This is all just a product of my delusional mind Notes: Lyrics copyright of The Calling, the song is called Unstoppable Warnings: contains INCEST! My Edge and Christian muses aren't always brothers, but they happen to be in this story, so don't read if this kind of stuff squicks you out. ~~~Still Loving You~~~ Edge stepped out into the sun-drenched courtyard, taking in a deep breath of the cool spring air and trying to clear his nose of the pervasive smell of medicine. Sickness and death, that's what the smell reminded him of. He hated hospitals. Edge sat down heavily on one of the benches with a sigh. He had the courtyard to himself, despite the sun it was too chilly for even the hospital's healthiest patients to be out. He wasn't really even sure what he was doing here. He and Christian had said all they'd had to say to each other months ago, those bridges had all been burned. But his mother had been insistent, so like the obedient son, here he was. He pulled the folded up envelope out of his pocket and stared at it for a few moments before finally breaking the seal. Christian's last words to him- at least they were supposed to be, but the doctors had said the little shit would live. Edge sighed- just his luck. He pulled the letter out, surprised by its thickness. He opened the letter to reveal Christian's untidy scrawl, the ink stained by tears and blood. I still love you, Edge. The first line jumped out at him. It sat by itself at the top of the page, like the title of a memoir. Intrigued, Edge read on. You are like a drug I just can't get out of my system. I think about you constantly. Every night, I close my eyes and I see your face. I hear your voice, I feel your touch. I dream about you, Edge. Last night I dreamt that I kissed you, I reached for you- I wanted to make love to you- and you pushed me away and called me a freak. Suddenly it was that September night all over again and we were in the ring, I was so angry, I attacked you. In my dream, I hit you over the head with your trophy, not a chair. I thought I had killed you and I fell on my knees and cried. I cradled your bloody head in my lap and you opened your eyes and you looked at me the way you did that night- your eyes are so expressive, Edge- pain, bewilderment, anger, hurt. Why? you kept asking me. Because I love you, I told you. Then you died in my arms. I woke up with cold sweats, looking for you, wanting you to hold me and tell me it was alright, comforting me the way you used to when we were kids. It's the same dream every night. Every night since I turned on you that night. I get two, maybe three, hours of sleep on a good night- no wonder I can't win a match lately, huh? My dreams have been bad, but the waking moments are worse. That's when I relive everything; that's when I remember everything we had, everything I threw away. I remember the first time I tasted you, brother. It was that first hot, summer night of last year- before King of the Ring, before any of this madness started. Do you remember it as well as I do? Edge shifted uncomfortably on his bench and resisted the temptation to throw the letter away. He didn't want to think about that night, especially not now. Did he remember? Was Christian kidding- how could he ever forget? He was still disgusted with himself for that- he had gotten drunk with his little brother, and- he cringed at the memory of what he'd done, but he forced himself to continue reading the letter anyway. We camped out on our back porch, got drunk and then gorged ourselves on green apples we stole from the neighbor's yard, not worried about the hangovers or stomach-aches tomorrow would bring. I remember how we laid together on the rough wooden floor, clinging to each other despite the humidity and the heat. I remember how you looked, lying there on your side, looking at me with that half grin playing across your lips. Your long blond hair was plastered with sweat to your back and your shoulders. You were teasing me about still being a virgin at my ripe old age- God, Christian, what are you waiting for anyway, Mrs. Right? you laughed, and flipped your hair out of your eyes. Something about the way you looked at that moment- was it your sloppy, drunken grin, your mischievously twinkling eyes, or maybe your artfully disheveled hair? I don't know, but I felt a sudden surge of love for you, suddenly I realized what- or rather, who- I had been waiting for. Impulsively, I took your hands in mine and leaned over and kissed you. Not the way a brother might affectionately kiss his brother, but as one lover to another. It never occurred to me to think about what I might do if you refused me, I wasn't thinking of consequences. But when you gasped in shock and pulled away- how hard you were staring at me, did I already mention how expressive your eyes are, Edge?- those were the scariest moments in my life, the seconds we spent in silence, just looking at each other. I was afraid I had disgusted you; terrified you would push me away. The relief washed over me like a tidal wave when, after a minute, you reached for me and pulled me back into your arms. You lowered your head to mine, our lips brushing together again. You ran your hand down my chest, leaving a trail of goose bumps behind, despite the sweltering heat. Your hand slid down my stomach, circled my belly button, then brushed over my cock which was already starting to stand at attention for you... and you slipped your hand between my thighs and cupped my balls in your hand, massaging them through the thin fabric of my shorts with your strong, gentle fingers. I jumped back and gasped in surprise, and you pulled me back into you, squeezing my ass firmly with your other hand and bringing your lips up to capture mine. You slipped your tongue into my mouth and it circled around, exploring me, darting around- brushing my tongue and quickly dancing away. It wasn't long before the shock and fear gave way, I unfroze, finally responding to your sensual touch, giving in to the feelings you were provoking in me, and even timidly let my own tongue venture into your mouth to explore you. You tasted like the apples we had just shared- sweet and forbidden. Your deft fingers slid my shorts down my hips and I kicked them off as you made quick work of your own sweat-soaked clothes. You smiled down at my obvious excitement and lowered your head to take my straining erection into your mouth, tasting for the first time my leaking arousal, and I almost came right there at the beautiful sight you made, sweet brother, with my cock in your mouth. Your soft velvety mouth sent me into the most incredible ecstasy I've ever known, and it wasn't long before I was spilling my seed- watching you greedily swallow every drop of my offering made me come harder than I ever had. You finished and looked up at me, your eyes blazing into mine, and swiped your tongue across your lips, asking me in a husky voice Do you want me to make love to you, little brother? I could only moan in response, and I willingly parted my legs to you, giving you access to my most private places, loving you and trusting you as I could trust only my own flesh and blood. The illicitness of what we were doing only fueled my desire, and when you spread my legs further and settled between my thighs, a hot rush of pleasure ran down my spine and into my rapidly re-stiffening cock. Words alone can never describe the feelings you inspired in me that night, Edge. You were gentle and giving, yet passionate and strong. It never occurred to me to be nervous or frightened with you, your sweet words whispered in my ear eased the pain away until all that was left in me was passion and desire to be filled by you. And you filled me Edge, I have never felt so complete as that one night. A smaller piece of paper fluttered out from between the pages of the would-be suicide letter, and Edge stomped on it before the wind could catch it. He picked it up and read it over, it was Christian's handwriting, but not his words. He recognized them as song lyrics, but to what song Edge didn't know. Come and lay right on my bed, sit and drink some wine I'll try not to make you cry And if you get inside my head, then you'd understand Then you'd understand me Why I've felt so alone, why I kept myself from love And you became my favorite drug So let me take you right now and swallow you down, I need you inside If we had this night together If we had a moment to ourselves If we had this night together then we'd be unstoppable Do you think that this is right, or is it really wrong I know that this is what we've been wanting And all this burning in my soul, it fills up to my throat It fills up 'til my heart is breaking Now, we can both learn Somehow, you'll see it's all we have Love, it keeps us together And I need love When I wake up without you, knowing you're not there I'm only feeling half as good Well I'm gonna find a way To wrap you in my arms, you make me feel alive Edge read the lyrics a few times before turning back to Christian's letter. I woke up the next morning, imagining that I could still feel your touch on my skin and feeling happy and content with the world despite my protesting stomach and head, despite the fact that you were nowhere to be found. I still don't know where you went that morning Edge, I could have almost believed that I'd imagined it all- some kind of sick, twisted wet dream- if not for the fact that I was so sore. Between the repeated trips to the bathroom to puke my guts out and the repeated glances at the clock on the wall my good mood evaporated soon enough. I was sick, sore, and worst of all- alone. By the time you returned, I was huddled into a miserable ball on the sofa, crying my eyes out. You never actually came out and said you didn't want to talk about what had happened between us the night before, but I took my cue from you. You avoided my eyes, you avoided my touch, you avoided my presence. So like I'd done all our lives, I followed your lead. The subject never came up between us, but its memory haunted me. I laid in bed at night recalling every detail- your touch, your taste, your smell, your voice calling my name. Edge sat back, reeling from the words his brother had written. He'd always known his feelings for Christian were different than what brothers should feel for each other, but he hadn't realized that Christian felt the same way. Edge had woken up that morning with Christian curled in his arms, and he'd felt a wave of love, marveling at the simple pleasure of holding him so intimately. This was quickly followed by a wave of guilt- when he'd realized that he had taken advantage of his little brother- his drunk little brother, who hadn't known better, and stolen his innocence. Edge had run for the bathroom then, emptying his guts into the toilet. Afterward he'd gotten dressed and gone for a walk to clear his head, not realizing how long he'd been gone until the sun was high overhead and beating down on him mercilessly. He headed home meaning to have a heart-to-heart with Christian and apologize for what he'd done, but when he got there he'd found Christian curled up on the couch, crying. His brother's sobs had been like a knife twisting in Edge's gut, he felt so guilty that he couldn't bring himself to even look Christian in the eye that day. As far as he had been concerned, the subsequent awkwardness between them had only proved how upset Christian was with him, and Edge had determined not to ever mention the subject again. In the bright courtyard, Edge shook his head to clear the memories away and continued reading. In the public eye we were still E&C, as close as ever, but in private the memory of that night was slowly destroying us. I wanted you so bad, and you wanted nothing to do with me. Oh, you never actually came out and said so, but you didn't have to. It's those eyes of yours, Edge- they truly are the window to your soul, brother. I could see the disgust, the revulsion in your eyes every time we were near, every time our hands would brush accidentally, every time you had to touch me on camera. It was eating me up inside, the desire I felt for you. I knew I should have been as disgusted with myself as you were, but I couldn't feel anything but the lust and the memory of how you had filled me so completely... So I made up my mind- I would betray you before my body betrayed me. I had to get away from you, being so close to you was driving me insane. After months of carefully crafting my image of a jealous, resentful little brother, I was ready to put my plan into action. Does it surprise you to learn that it wasn't just a spur of the moment temper tantrum? I knew what I was doing from the moment I stepped into the ring with you. The funny thing is, I almost couldn't go through with it. When we hugged, it felt like old times, your arms so strong around me... I almost lost my nerve, I just wanted to melt into your arms. That night, the night I betrayed you- oh, god, Edge. You will never know how much it hurt me to do that to you. How much self-control it took to stop myself from getting down on my knees beside you and kissing away all your hurts and pains- all the pains I had just caused. Did you know I almost cried on my way back up the ramp? Did you know I did cry, all night, alone in my hotel room? I can still call up your face in an instant. How you looked as I stood looking down at you. The shock, the hurt, the pain. Why? your eyes asked me. I tell you now- as I do every night in my dreams- because I love you. Edge sat back, stunned. He set the letter down and ran a hand through the tangles in his long blond hair. He wasn't sure what he'd expected, but this was definitely not it. He could still remember Christian's face that night, the love and the happiness in his eyes, the way he'd felt in his arms... Edge felt everything falling into place for him, everything made so much more sense to him in light of Christian's confessions. He closed his eyes for a minute, fighting the anger he felt building against himself. He'd almost lost his brother because he'd been afraid to tell him how he really felt... . . . Edge stepped into the hospital room, his courage almost failing him as he eyed the small, fragile body in the bed, but his fingertips brushed the letter in his pocket. He had to go through with it, had to let Christian know. Edge sat on the side of the bed, looking down at Christian's sleeping form, and reached down to stroke his brother's hair. His breath caught when he saw Christian's eyes flutter and then open, the sapphire orbs regarding him in fear and apprehension. Edge leaned down, brushing his lips against his brother's, lingering for a moment before his tongue slid out, begging Christian for entry. Christian parted his lips willingly, meeting Edge's tongue with his own, the two brothers exploring and tasting each other again. Edge pulled away slowly, locking eyes with his brother and letting his hand slide down to caress the pale, drawn skin of Christian's face. He smiled down at Christian. "You always were so dramatic, Chris..." he finally said, softly. Christian smiled weakly back. "Why did you have to go through all this- why couldn't you just tell me?" Christian was quiet for a minute. "I was afraid you'd hate me," he said finally, "I was afraid you couldn't love your brother like that." "I've always loved you. And I've never wanted anyone else." Edge climbed into the bed with Christian, cradling his brother's smaller form to his body, smiling as the younger man drifted back into the first peaceful sleep he'd had in countless months. ~~The End~~