The Refrigerator Series
			By Standing (cowwboylove@aol.com)
	Refrigerator Love (Matt and Jeff hardy; matt narrates) February 19, 2002 We used to have those fridge magnets. Thousands of them, I think. We bought every set we could possibly find. And when we heard a song on the radio or thought of one at random, we'd arrange the words into corny love lyrics and leave them for the other to find. Goofy ones, serious ones, deep and thought-provoking ones... just whatever popped into the mind. After a while, they came every day and I started writing them down. I filled two notebooks with our refrigerator love before today happened. "You’re all I want, you're all I need, you're everything." "When I think about you, I touch myself." "In your eyes, the light, the heat." "To see you when I wake up is a gift I didn't think could be real." Hell, I remember coming home one day and cracking up upon finding your latest message: "Lucky for my breasts are small & humble, so you don't confuse them with mountains." It was followed by the more serious note that made me weak in the knees: "You've got me head over heels." This little quirk in our relationship, this game, became my favorite part of us. The one tiny thing I looked forward to every single day, the one thing other than being with you that could brighten me instantly. But today I found out you've been sleeping with one of our best friends. For quite a while, actually. And it's really so pathetic, because he left you a message on our fucking answering machine. I don't know if he thought I wouldn't be home, or that you'd get it before I did, but either way it's probably one of the dumbest things he could have done. "Jeff! I miss you baby, it's been three days. I’m staying at the Crowne Plaza downtown - room 213 if you wanna come visit me." He laughs. "Love you." He hangs up. When I first heard it, I don't think I really understood what it really meant. I was confused as fuck for the longest time, just staring at the little blinking light on the machine as it ran through the rest of our messages. What the hell was Jay TALKING about? Was he drunk? It was a viable possibility ... but then, he'd left it at three o clock this afternoon. When I was supposed to be at the gym, and right when you were supposed to be coming back from promotional meetings. When the realization dawned on me, I think I ran to the bathroom to throw up. I blink, and then shake my head. No, no I didn't run to the bathroom. I puked right there on the front foyer. It sat there for a good hour before the smell was too much and I had to pull myself from the state of shock I was in to clean it up. I sat on the floor by the telephone table for a really long time, just staring into space and trying to comprehend what this meant. You were with Jay? When did that happened? And why? I thought we loved each other ... I thought that all those nights where we whispered that we didn't care what anyone thought, I thought they were honest. I thought they were the world. We were supposed to be together for the rest of our lives. We were going to wrestle for a little while longer and then run away to some obscure town in the Arizona desert where no one would know us and we could love each other without having to hide it. Then I started thinking about the fridge love. "Nothing you confess could make me love you less, I’ll stand by you." "The orbit of your hips, eclipse, you elevate my soul." "Close your eyes, let me touch you now. Let me give you what you give to me." I realized that I hadn't checked for your message yet today. Slowly as I felt myself crumbling on the inside, I crawled to my knees, to my feet, stood up and somehow made it to the kitchen without collapsing in unabashed grief. My eyes fell on the stark white of our refrigerator and my heart fell: you hadn't changed it. My message from yesterday was still up: "This world's an ugly place, but you're so beautiful to me." I think that's when the anger hit me. That's when i got angry. I wanted to pick every single one of those words off the fridge one by one and burn them in a pile out back. I wanted to storm through the house and tear every picture of us, to break anything and everything that had ever been a symbol of our relationship, and to slash to pieces the bed we made love on. The one we made love on LAST FUCKING NIGHT. It burned inside, it flared until I could only see red, but I didn't do anything. Even when you came home, I didn't blow up. You bee lined right to the den, where you knew I’d be sitting by the bay window because that's what I always do when I have to wait for you to come home. Your arms slid around my neck and you kissed me softly, grinning. "Hey baby," You whispered, nuzzling into my ear. I smiled back, returning your embrace through my overpowering mixture of devastation and fury as you slid into my lap. "How was your day?" I asked. "It was hell," You replied mildly and your face fell to the exhaustion I knew you felt in every inch of your body. Your head lay warmly against my chest and I felt my heart pounding in anguish. "The days are way too long without you." I rubbed your shoulder lightly, affectionately in return before turning my head to look out the window again. "You've got a message on the machine," I commented lightly. "Yeah?" You grinned again, hopping off my lap and crossing the room to the table. You pressed the button, and that sickening earful played again. I watched you closely as your jaw quivered lightly and your eyes widened. Jay's voice faded off into the air and slowly your gaze turned to me, though it was apparent that you didn't know what to say. My heart lurched at your guilty expression; I think something inside me was begging for that moment to be one of confusion for you, too. I wanted you to prove to me that I was wrong in what I thought, that Jay was playing a practical joke, or had called the wrong number, or anything that would lead to a scenario other than this. But you just looked at me and crumbled, and I knew that I hadn't been wrong. And that time, I really did die inside. You didn't deny it. You tried to apologize. Your voice stuttered and broke over your tears, you were wailing against my shoulder for a while as i just sat there, unmoving. I probably should have felt some kind of emotion, but everything inside me had just ceased to function. I wasn't sure if I was even breathing anymore. The whole world was just numb. Now it's eleven o clock and you're gone. I guess you went to his hotel room; I mean, where else could you have gone? You had jabbered and sobbed endless apologies to me for so long that I just got exhausted. I got tired, so tired that I could barely keep my eyes open, and then I held up my hand to silence you and I told you to leave. You were quiet for a long time before you launched into a long-winded protest. I left you on your knees, crying into the rug in the den and locked my bedroom door behind me. You followed me and sat outside my door, baying like a trapped animal. You were sorry, you loved me more than anything but Jay had just completely enraptured you. You'd been feeling antsy in the throes of our commitment and you'd made a mistake to go looking for something else. You had everything you needed right here! You loved me! YOU LOVED ME! You finally left, after a good hour or so of my ignoring you. I was too busy heaving into my pillow so that you wouldn't be able to hear me. Now I lay on my back, tears dried and stiff on my face as I stare at the ceiling. I miss you already. I miss you already because I know that you're gone and you're not coming back. Or ... maybe you will come back, but I know that I’ll just make you leave again. You shattered everything. You took us for granted, and you took me for granted. We'd loved each other for so long that you thought you could never lose it, and so you took a risk when you felt overpowered by what we had. You didn't think it was what you wanted anymore. I know you know now that it's everything you'll ever want, but you blew it. I wasn't enough for you. The grass is always greener, isn't it? I don't know what I’m going to do with the fridge right now. I’ve been thinking and thinking about it; it's been the main focus of my mind since you left. What am I going to do with it? I could leave the magnets up and get rid of my message, I could leave them up and keep my message there, I could take them down and pack them up and put them somewhere, or I could take them all down and throw them away. Hell, maybe I could just get rid of the whole goddamn fridge. So many options. Then I decide that it doesn't matter what I do with them. I’m never going to forget they were there if I trash them, so they might as well just stay up. Everything is going to be a reminder. The fridge, the pictures, the bed .. the paint on the walls, the trees in the backyard, the fucking cement walkway. The cars on the street, being in the ring and being at a mall, the grass under my feet and a lamp post lighting up a parking lot. The whole fucking world is going to remind me of you. Why bother taking the magnets down when there will just be something else to take its place? I wish you'd written one last message to me. I wish you'd come back just for one minute, and put one up for me to read every day just so I can pretend that maybe none of this ever happened. That maybe you still love me and only me; that you never got sick of me and never betrayed me. I fall asleep without knowing that you did indeed change the message before you left: "I’m frightened to believe you're the best thing about me." Lyrics credited to: Lifehouse – “Everything” The Divinyls – “I Touch Myself” Peter Gabriel – “In Your Eyes” Incubus – “I Miss You” Shakira – “Whenever, Wherever” The Pretenders – “I’ll Stand By You” U2 – “Elevation” Vast – “Flames” Blink 182 – “Going Away to College” Savage Garden – “The Best Thing” Chapter 2 Giving In (Matt and Jeff Hardy; Matt narrates) based on Adema’s “Giving In” You came back, eventually. I guess if there's one thing to say about you, it's that you're not above begging. It was a dark day; the kind where you look out and you have to check the clock to make sure it really is two in the afternoon and not two in the morning. The clouds were so angry and you could see how much they wanted to explode, but it was like they were waiting for something. I stared out the window at them for a good hour and they just stared right back at me, mocking. They were definitely waiting for something. I find it incredibly ironic that the moment I heard my doorbell ring, a clap of thunder shook the Earth and torrents of ran began to fall from the sky without mercy. It was the mother of all signs; I knew it was you before I even opened the door. And there you were, huddled against the doorframe as spectacular gusts of wind blew in rain angrily beneath the roof of the porch to soak you. Our eyes met and you were quivering, genuinely terrified. There was no hope in your gaze at all; no optimism and no foolish wishing. I could see your mind churning over how much you fucked up as you took in my figure on the other side of the threshold. Nevertheless, you asked to come in. You were praying for my love to save us. I slammed the door in your face. Without a second thought, I left you out there in the downpour and turned my back in an instant. I'm sure it looked like a piece of cake from your vantage point, but it was probably the most difficult moment of my life. How did that song go? It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do to look you in the eyes and tell you I don't love you. Those damn boy-bands; with all of the talent that they lack, they sure hit the nail right on the freaking head with that one. I paused for a second, staring at the door I had just closed and imagining what was behind it, imagining what I had just closed out. For that second, I sent a desperate plea to the Gods: "Please Gods, I need to be a tree. Just for five minutes, make me a tree." And so it was. For five minutes, I remained rooted to the hardwood floor of the foyer and I didn't scramble back and open the door again. I cried for every second of those five minutes. And then I went to go put that lyric on the fridge. It went right beneath the one you left me that day so many months ago. I had ultimately decided to just keep them up and furthermore to continue putting up new ones whenever I saw fit (sometimes up to three times a day.) I seemed to enjoy torturing myself these days. In so many ways, I regret that we ever started this little tradition because by far it hurts more than anything. I can live with not being able to forget the pictures of us even if I took them down. I can live with not being able to forget the presents you've given me even if I put them away. But it's really fucking hard to live with not being able to forget all the emotions you shared with me on this goddamn refrigerator. It's those stupid magnets that are making me crumble. Because you see, that wasn't the only time you've come back. I've actually lost count of all the times I've closed the door on you. It hurt so bad to see you pleading me just to let you in for a minute - just sixty seconds, please! Please, just let you in! Sometimes you were angry and sometimes you were crying, but for the most part you were somewhere in between the two: your eyes twinkled with unshed tears but your brow was set with determination. No matter how you were feeling, it was always the same simple requests and the same apologies. And every time you came back, it got harder for me to breathe in and out. It got harder to move and harder to sleep because, I mean, fuck. I missed you like hell. You're Jeff, and that makes you me. I am you. I never imagined that I would be able to sustain my life without you, and for a while I was amazed that I was doing it. But the now days were slowly deteriorating; every morning I woke up and life was a little less worth living. Sometimes you just sat on the porch steps and let me ignore you. It amazed me; I never before would have seen you as the masochistic type but it was like you'd never be tired of subjecting yourself to my rejection. You wouldn't let me forget you and move on, and as I'm thinking about this now, I almost laugh. It's working, you little shit. It still burns, though, and I can't let go. You were lying to me for so long. When you told me I was the only one, you were fucking Jay while we were apart on business. When you whispered that I was the love of your life, you were turning around and telling him the same exact thing the next night. You two-timed me and I'll never forget it. At first, I was so sure that the emphatic anger and the sickening betrayal would never fade away, but today I feel that it has. I don't feel any of it anymore and I'm ready to push it away because I just miss you. I need you to come back now, I decide as I frown at the glass I've been holding in my hands. I've been drinking way too much. I need us to be together again so I don't have anymore regrets to drown out. I believe you when you come to my door with your apologies. I believe that you were just afraid of the commitment but now you see it's what you want. I want to give you another chance, I want to go back to loving each other so hard that we're hanging over that edge where if we lose each other, we plummet into nothing. I've been to nothing, and it fucking sucks. And now I'm worried because I've come to this decision where the next time I hear the doorbell, I'm gonna let you inside and hear your begging and then I'm gonna wrap you up nice and tight in my arms and tell you that I forgive you. It's going to be an amazing moment; I've got it all planned out in my head. But I'm worried because I realize that the days have been passing and you haven't been ringing. Days gone by and you haven't come back. Weeks gone by and you haven't come back. Please, don't tell me that you've given up on me! I'm so ready for you to come back to me now! It's not long before I become completely consumed with begging everything under the sun for you to be at my door just one more time. I'm caught up in that one moment of waiting and there's nothing else in my life except for it. People I distantly remember caring about keep calling me and telling me to come out of the house - they have no idea what's wrong with me - but I simply can't leave and risk missing you come for one last chance. The clock is ticking and I'm still alone. Where the hell are you, Jeff Hardy? You're at my door every goddamn week for three months and just when I'm ready to fall into your arms and make everything right, you give up? I thought you were never going to give up. I thought you were going to stick it to me until I gave up - I thought that was the plan. I thought the plan was to break me, to make me give in. Well, I'm fucking ready to give in and all the sudden you're too busy giving up. You bastard - what the hell are we going to do now? Regret inevitably ensues. I curl up into my bed every night and wish that I could die; only now does it hit me that this was my call all along and I ruined it. It was me that was supposed to fix the relationship, me who was supposed to spend some time stewing and then give you another chance because really; when had you ever betrayed me before? You'd never given me a reason not to trust you before, so I should have just sucked it up and given you another chance. A saying repeats in my head: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I was afraid of swallowing my pride, afraid of giving into you just so you could take advantage of me again. But way deep down inside, I know that you'd never do that to me again. Why couldn't I have just let myself resign to that? Once upon a time, the end of our relationship was your fault. Tonight I feel the tears leaking from the corners of my closed eyes and I know that it's mine. I was heartless and stubborn for too long. It's too late to give in now; I've caused too much damage already. Now all I can do is miss you. Lyrics credited to 98 Degrees’ “The Hardest Thing” "Giving In" - Adema Will you walk me To the edge again Shaking, lonely And I am drinking again Woke up tonight And no one's here with me I'm giving in to you [chorus:] Take me under I'm giving in to you I'm dying tonight I'm giving in to you Watch me crumble I'm giving in to you I'm crying tonight I'm giving in to you Caught up in life Losing all my friends Family has tried To heal all my addictions Tragic it seems To be alone again I'm giving in to you [chorus] (Oh fuck) I look forward to dying tonight Drinks still on myself life's harder every day The stress has got me I'm giving in Giving Giving in now Take me under (I'm killing all the faith) I'm dying tonight (I'm sick of all that faith) Watch me crumble (I'm killing all the faith) I'm crying tonight Now all I can do is miss you. Chapter 3 Redemption (matt and jeff hardy; matt narrates) February 24, 2002 I’m not too sure what time it was I actually woke up this morning; time had kind of been escaping me for the last few months. I remember ambling down the hall in a hazy blur between consciousness and out of my mind. I remember not being able to stand up long enough to work the coffee machine. I just kind of fell into a chair at the kitchen table and rubbed my eyes a lot. It was way too sunny out this morning. There were happily tweeting birds and idle breezes blowing at the wind chimes on the front porch and the kids next door were holding an early softball game in the middle of the street. So many happy sounds that just weren’t quite fitting the mood of this house. I began to get annoyed and rubbed my eyes some more. My vision went black and all I could see for endless moments were dozens of flashing red dots. Blinking, I looked around the room to refocus and the first thing I saw when I finally came to was the magnets on the fridge. They were different. My lyrics were gone, your lyric was gone, and all the extra words that had filled the bottom of the fridge were gone. There was one line of text up. “Would I be out of line if I said I miss you?” I think I stopped breathing; I know that I certainly snapped into a state of clear thinking for the first time in a long while. The first thing I did was look around as if maybe you were watching me from somewhere, waiting for me to discover your note. I found nothing and slowly got up to approach the fridge, staring at those words for a good long while. When did you do this? Did you leave, or did you stay? Why did you come back? I thought I wasn’t worth the fight anymore. My heart began to pound as I slowly made my way through to the other end of the house. You’d given up on me! You’ve been gone, gone for so very long! It’s hard for me to specify exactly what I was thinking in those moments as I peeked into each passing room. I was simply swimming. Swimming with doubts and hopes and confusion and a nasty hangover to boot. Tears trickled; I was hoping you hadn’t really done this to me. It was far too good to be true; I hope you hadn’t done that and left, just to tug the heartstrings a bit more. It’s been hard enough as it is. My feet shuffled uncertainly over hardwood floor and I ended in the living room where my breath was stolen away from me. You were lying on the couch dressed in a pair of my boxers and an old Hardy Boyz teeshirt, curled up and sleeping soundly. As my first reaction, I felt a sob of relief choke my throat. I started laughing; it was joyous, elated laughter and tears poured down my cheeks. You make me cry so many tears, Jeff, but you’re worth every single one. Just lying there, breathing lightly and completely oblivious, you were worth it. And so I was standing there happily, wanting to shake your shoulders. Dying to wake you up, to hold you, to tell you that I was so sorry and such a dick and missed you so much that I had completely crippled myself. I wanted to have that moment so badly; I needed so badly to apologize for not giving you the second chance that you deserved. But you were too damn pretty, so calm and innocent like that; I couldn’t wake you up. I just stood there with a stupid grin on my face, marveling over the fact that even after all of my bullshit, you still missed me. Eventually, I got too happy to just stand there anymore. I wasn’t alone anymore! You were here! It was thrilling. I put on the radio for the first time since we were last together and I sang. I made some coffee, I made some toast, I even made a fucking omelet. I was fired up. The happiness of the outside world was suddenly drowned out by my own elation. Thank you God, thank you God, thank you God for giving me another chance! My life was complete again; Jeff was here again. I was ready to dance. I was scraping the frying pan over the basket and halfway through lyrics to “Walking on Sunshine” when I noticed that you were sitting at the table, just watching me. It made me freeze cold; my good mood was completely washed away and I folded into worry as I took in the seriousness of your face. I turned off the radio. Looking to the counter, I then picked up the plate I had been focusing on and held it out to you. “I made you an omelet,” I said hopefully. You stared at it for a long time, cracked a tiny smile and then faded back to that regretful gaze. Your eyes were shining sadly at me and it broke my heart. The silence evaporated with your cracking words. “I was afraid of you.” I bit my lip, putting the plate down and leaning back against the counter as you haltingly continued. “You were the whole world for me, Matt. Since before I could even talk. I was afraid to think that maybe I couldn’t live without you.” Your eyes fell away from mine, squeezing closed several times before fixating on the backyard through the open window. “I thought maybe if I tried to be with someone else, I wouldn’t be so fixated and maybe I could learn to be by myself.” I couldn’t find any words. “I’m sorry, Jeff.” Your gaze darted up quickly at my voice. “You’re not the one who needs to say you’re sorry. I fucked up. I was too afraid to realize that what we had was good; it was the best thing ever. When you made me leave, I found out that I was right – I really couldn’t live without you. But I also realized that that was okay. It was what I wanted.” “I closed you out …” “You had every right to,” You cut me off quickly. I bit my lip again, looking away. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” “I deserved it.” Our eyes met then, flaring into mutual forgiveness. I didn’t believe you when you said you had deserved what I’d done to you, and you didn’t believe me when I said it was my fault for pushing you away. It was over. There was more longing and sorrow and heartbreak in that one gaze than I had ever felt in a lifetime, and I knew then that it was okay to love you again. I crossed the kitchen quickly and you stood to welcome me into your hungry arms. I squeezed tightly to your waist and felt the weight of a hundred worlds lifting off of me as your face buried deep into my neck. We were shaking. There was never a hug so tight and so long and so fulfilling. It was everything we had needed for so, so long. When I finally loosened my grip, your head picked up to meet my eyes and we shared a smile. Relief. Your arms tightened around my neck, drawing me into you and we shared a warm, breathless kiss. It reminded me of how long it had been since I’d kissed someone. Since I’d kissed you. I don’t think breakfast ever got eaten. * Now it’s late and as my mind backtracks on the beautiful day that was today, I feel waves of comfort washing over me. This is where we’re both supposed to be, I think as we lay in bed holding one another and waiting for sleep to claim us: we’re together. And we both know we won’t sleep; there’s not a second of this night that either of us want to miss. So we lay awake in the dark, arms soft and warm and around each other as we pretend that we’re trying to sleep when all we’re really doing is focusing on the beauty that we haven’t been destroyed. Touching your skin makes me a brand-new kind of alive and I can’t explain how wonderful it is to be able to feel that way. At this time yesterday, I was drunk silly and convinced that being dead wouldn’t feel all too different from being alive anymore, that life just wasn’t worth it. But that wasn’t really life at all. My life is right here with you, and I wouldn’t trade that for the world. I shift to pull the sheet up over us and hold you tighter to my chest. I can feel you smiling into my skin and that makes me smile as I lean down and kiss the top of your head. “I love you,” I whisper quietly, looking down into your twinkling eyes as they pierce the darkness. I watch you smile and our mouths meet softly, melding perfectly into one another. “I love you too,” Your voice comes from the silence like a light from heaven and sends shivers through my skin. I’ll never stop being amazed by those words. We sigh together and I can't help feeling like I've been freed. There's so much less pain with you at my side. There's so much less sadness and constriction; you make it easier for me to breathe. I was roped into a merciless world of depression without you and for whatever reason, you came back to free me from it. I'll never be able to thank you enough for it. I grin to myself, wondering what I'll put on the fridge tomorrow. Lyrics credited to Incubus’ “I Miss You”