Thrown Away By Amanda
	Title: Thrown Away Author: Amanda E-mail: rooroo4000@hotmail.com Distribution: my site only… others just ask me Rating: PG-13 Content: implied slash and some dirty language Characters: I aint telling… yet! You’ll see! Spoilers: None Summary: Someone writes a letter to an old friend, or perhaps more, but does he have the courage to mail it? Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the characters mentioned in this fic nor do I mean to imply anything about them so I’m sorry if I’ve insulted anyone. Also don’t steal this fic as it is a work of my own imagination, not anyone elses. So if you wanna use it just ask me. I don’t bite… hard. He’d been sitting there in the confides of his hotel room for nearly three hours wondering how things had gone so horribly wrong, wondering what if? What might have been? How did he fall from grace so quickly and reduce himself to the lowly nothing that he’d become? He recalled the days when he used to be somebody, somebody the fans loved… and most importantly someone his best friend loved. He couldn’t just sit there and lie and say that they were only friends because in his heart and in his mind they were much more than that. Their many nights of passion filled his heart with special feelings, but the thought of what he was now sank his soul once again. He’d bitten his fingernails until they bled a crimson red, the color his heart used to be compared to the raven black that existed within him now. He looked down seeing the end chewed off yet another ink pen with the hotels name on it. “Damn.” He cursed tossing the wasted object in the trash can along with three others identical to it. He leaned forward taking another pen from the desk and a piece of hotel stationary then with a shaky hand this is what he wrote: Dear Billy, I know you don’t know who this is… but when you’re finished reading this letter you will. I came up here all the way from Tennessee to see you, but this morning when I saw you… you and your new life I couldn’t bring myself to walk right back into it and screw it up for you. I couldn’t even bring myself to talk to you. When I got hurt and had to quit wrestling, you said you’d never leave my side, but you did. Look at me now Billy… unemployed and injured and look at you… back in the business at the top of your game. I’m not jealous of your success… I’m happy for you and I wish you well in everything that you do. I guess I just miss you, that’s all. I’m leaving tomorrow, flying back to Tennessee where I belong. I was sitting here tonight and I saw you on Smackdown. You look good Billy, you really do. Congratulations on that win by the way. I saw you’re new girlfriend, Torrie. You looked really into her… when you were groping her and making out with her. To be honest it broke my heart. I remember when after the show, you and me would sneak away from the guys and we’d make out in the parking lot until we couldn’t take it anymore, then we’d go back to your hotel room and you’d lay me down and make love to me. I should’ve know you were too good for me. I mean look at you and look at me! I’m broken down, pale, and skinny. What would a perfect blonde demigod like you want with me? I’ve just been living in this fantasy world, blinded by my own ambition and love for you and you don’t even want it. Did you ever love me Billy? I’m always gonna love you no matter what. I will always hold you in my heart, until the day I draw my last breath, that breath that takes me to my heaven or hell… when everyone realizes that my life, my love was thrown away. Love, Jesse. He dropped the pen and rested his head on the table, every ounce of energy suddenly absent from his body as tears rolled slowly down his cheek staining the letter with his pain. A picture brought itself into the light in the darkness of his memory, a picture that made his heart skip a beat. The night he first won the tag team titles with Billy happened to be the night they discovered their not so friendly feelings toward one another. Once they got away from the rest of DX, they headed to the parking lot where they shared a passionate kiss in the front seat of their rental car. The night escalated from there, but the night filled with love and pleasure wasn’t the picture stuck in his mind. The vision of his lips pressed against Billy’s in the front seat of that car, their fingers laced and resting on his knee, the look in Billy’s eyes when they parted was what stuck. With a sob and a gathering of every ounce of energy he could muster, he raised his head and took an envelope from the table in front of him, slipping the letter inside. He got up and sat down on the bed beside the nightstand where the telephone and the clock sat. He picked up the phone and dialed the front desk. He knew he couldn’t deliver the letter to Billy himself, he didn’t have the courage. “Front desk, how may I help you?” Came the voice of a snooty clerk. “I have a letter I need delivered to another person staying in this hotel… could you send someone up to deliver it?” He asked, his voice shaky as he scribbled Billy’s name on the envelope. “Yes sir, someone will be up in a moment.” The man at the front desk hang up the phone and went back to watching his soaps. Jesse hang the phone up before taking the letter back out and scanning over it for any errors that he may have made or comments he’d rather not say. There was a knock at the door accompanied by a voice shouting that it was room service. He scribbled one last touch to the envelope… 42 A… his room number. He knew Billy wouldn’t come, but it was worth a shot. He got up, dragging his feet as he crossed the room, opening the door and instructing the young man how to deliver his heartfelt letter. “I’ll take it right now sir, thank you for the tip.” The bellboy smiled as he inspected the twenty in his hand. Jesse simple nodded before closing the door, rubbing his swollen eyes, and heading toward the bathroom for a shower. Perhaps the warm water would calm his ramped nerves. Meanwhile… “C’mon baby, I wanna play!” Whined Torrie as she tried her best to capture Billy’s attention, but to no avail. “Torrie,” He turned to face her with an annoyed look on his face, “I told you not tonight. I’m tired.” He repeated for the thousandth time that night. “Fine.” She whispered agitatedly huffing and leaning back on the bed crossing her arms over her chest. Billy shook his head and rolled his eyes before setting his sights back on the TV program. He didn’t know what was wrong with him but ever since early that morning he couldn’t concentrate. He kept having flashbacks of his life before he left the WWE with his shoulder injury. He felt an amazing presence with him everywhere he went, almost as if God had entered his life and was now holding his hand every time he took a step. His eyes tore from the television to the door when a resounding know echoed throughout the room. “Hey Tor, get that please.” He said popping a piece of candy into his mouth not even bothering to look at her. She blew a sigh before getting up and opening the door to a very amazed bell boy. “Y---you… you’re Torrie Wilson!!” He stuttered taking his hat off and looking her up and down. She arched an eyebrow before crossing her arms, wanting to find an objective in his presence. “I—I’m supposed to de---deliver this l-l—letter to Billy.” He came nervously handing her the envelope. She looked it over before reaching into her pocket and pulling out a wad of money and handing it to the man. “Thank you.” She tried to be polite as she slammed the door in his face, but it’s hard to gracefully slam a door. “Here, probably another letter from one of your hookers.” The blonde dropped the letter in her boyfriends lap giving him an icy glare. “Huh? What’s this?” He picked up the auspicious envelope immediately noticing his name and a room number written in scribbled scroll. “How should I know?” She snapped before whirling around and mumbling something before heading into the bedroom area slamming yet another door behind her. Billy watched the door for a moment before shrugging and tearing into the envelope. The handwriting looked familiar but he couldn’t think of where he’d seen it before. It wasn’t long that he knew exactly who this letter was from. His eyes scanned each line carefully making sure he didn’t misunderstand something. He sat wide eyed as the thin piece of paper fell from his hands to his lap. He picked it up again and re-read it not knowing what to think or say or do. “My God… Jesse.” He whispered staring at the writing on the paper. “It can’t be.” He mumbled scratching his chin. “No it cant… it’s just a prank… that’s all.” He concluded knowing good and well it wasn’t in the back of his mind. Who else would’ve known about all the things mentioned in the letter? No one. He’d closed that door of his life a long time ago and it was supposed to be finished. He couldn’t lie and say that the feelings that once ran wild inside of him were gone because they werent. He still had feelings for the man that wrote that letter, strong feelings, but he desperately wanted to be normal with the perfect life. He folded the letter up and stuffed it in his gym bag that sat beside his chair. He needed to be brought back down to earth, the normal earth, the earth that made him a strait pro-wrestler who liked women, not men, and was in love with Torrie Wilson, whether he was or not. After hiding the letter, not wanting his girlfriend to read it, he crept into the dark bedroom where she lay sleeping peacefully. He crawled on the bed beside of her and brought his lips close to her neck shaking her lightly. He was going to do his best to love her tonight whether he enjoyed it or not. “Baby, let me make love to you.” He whispered in her ear as she giggled. The night drug by slowly for the blonde man who lay in his bed naked with nothing but a blanket thrown carelessly over his body. He’d just had sex with the woman laying beside of him, also nude her body fully exposed to him but having no effect on him whatsoever. He had lied to her. He didn’t make love to her… he’d fucked her and that was all it was. He didn’t even enjoy it. The whole time he was pounding into her all he could think about was how Jesse would call his name lightly in his southern accent just before he came. He’d only truly made love with one person and it was so long ago. He set his sight on the red flashing numbers on the clock beside the bed praying for daylight to come quickly. He tried not to think about what was going on in his life but every time he looked at Torrie’s body, he just wanted to scream and run to Jesse and tell him he still wanted him. “What’s happened to me?” He whispered softly to the shadows cast by the moonlight filtering through the mini-blinds on the windows. Maybe Jesse was right. Maybe he’d forgotten what it’s like to love and to be loved. Maybe the feelings he had for his former tag team partner never left for a reason. Maybe they were destined to be together. Just as the sun peaked over the Rocky Mountains like a sign from God, Billy made his decision. “I’m still in love with Jesse.” He whispered to himself as he sneaked out of bed careful not to wake Torrie. He grabbed a pair of jeans from the floor pulling them up and adding his belt before grabbing his Mr. Ass T-shirt. He stalked into the living area and snatched the letter from it’s hiding place. “42 A.” He said to himself before stuffing the piece of paper into his pocket and leaving the room not caring if Torrie woke or not. She was over. Billy was ready to rebuild his life with the man he knew he still loved. He walked down the hallway looking at the number on each doorway. “46 A… 44 A… 42 A…,” He stopped dead in his tracks looking upon the door that held his lover inside, “42 A.” He repeated moving in closer to see a note stuck to the door. He peeled it off and unfolded it seeing his name written across the top. Billy, I knew you’d come because I knew you couldn’t deny this anymore than I can. You won’t find me here. I got scared. I couldn’t face you. I just couldn’t see you again. I didn’t want to screw up what you have going. I’m probably halfway back to Tennessee by now. I hope you never forget me Billy because if you forget me, my life was simply thrown away. Love Always, Jesse Jammes Billy’s eyes welled with tears as he read and re-read the letter countless times. He couldn’t believe that he’d let the love of a lifetime slip through his fingers yet again. “Damn.” He cursed leaning his head against Jesse’s door letting the tears stream down his face. He couldn’t let it end like this, he just couldn’t. He had decided to be with Jesse and he was going to go through with it. With a new idea in his head he headed back to the room he shared with Torrie gathering his things and throwing them in his gym bag. He zipped it up and sat it down by the door before going and picking up the phone. “Yes when is the next flight out to Tennessee?” He asked. “The next flight is in one hour. Would you like us to reserve a ticket for you?” Asked the robotic voice of a receptionist. “Yes thank you.” “You’re welcome sir.” The lady hang up the phone as did Billy. He threw his bag over his shoulder and crept out of the room. “I’m not giving up on you Jess… wait and see.” He said to himself boarding the elevator.