Jokes

A young couple had just returned from their honeymoon and were settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night, the landlady met the man in the hallway. She said, "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your bride would like to have them?" "I'll ask her," the young man responded. He opened his door and called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?" "Hey, Pal," she retorted. "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to mother." Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down. Man: So, wanna go back to my place? Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock? Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine. Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number? Woman: It's in the phone book. Man: But I don't know your name. Woman: That's in the phone book too. Man: So what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. Man: What sign were you born under? Woman: No Parking. Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not Enter Man: I know how to please a woman. Woman: Then please leave me alone. Man: I want to give myself to you. Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts. Man: I can tell that you want me. Woman: Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you.....to leave. Man: Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots? Woman: Sorry, I don't date outside my species. Man: I'd go through anything for you. Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: Yes, but would you stay there? Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor. Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy) Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you? Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb? Doctor: Then why are you so happy? Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!