Condom Humor

Condom Jokes (Strictly humorous, please do not be offended!) The Hot Date A teenager of about 17 has a hot date with a girl, so he decided to go to the pharmacy to buy some condoms. The pharmacist says, "What can I help you with?" The teen hesitantly says, "I'd like to...uh... ah... buy a condom." Pharmacist says, "Okay. Here you are." (Sets a box of condoms on counter) The teen, thinking that was rather easy and painless, says, "Well, now that I think about it, I think I'll be needing two boxes of condoms." The pharmacist replies, "Well, okay." (Gets another one) The teen, getting even bolder, then says, "Actually, its a pretty hot date I have tonight. I think I'll be needing four boxes of condoms." The teen keeps changing his mind and increasing the number of condoms he wants until he's leaving the pharmacy with 20 boxes of condoms. Later that night, the teenager arrives at his girlfriend's house. She tells him that he's invited to stay for dinner. So he goes in and sits down at the table with all of her family. The father asks if he'd like to say grace before beginning the meal. The teen accepts and says the following, "Oh Lord, thank you for this food and the hands that made it, and the people who took the time to grow it and... (goes on for nearly 10 minutes, blessing 'everything' including the table, the silverware, all the containers, the floor, etc...) ...Amen." The girl turns to the teen and says, "Gee, I didn't know that you were really religious." The teen whispers back, "Well, I didn't know that your dad was a pharmacist." The "Green Beret" A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, that if the man returns, to follow him. Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns. "So did you follow him?" ask the chemist. "I did", replied the assistant. "And...where did he go?" "Over to your house..." National Condom Slogans 1. Cover your stump before you hump   2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker   3. Don't be silly, protect your Willie   4. When in doubt shroud you spout   5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner   6. You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong   7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it   8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey   9. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter   10. If you slip between her thighs, condomize   11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick   12. If you go into heat, package your meat   13. While you're undressing Venus, dress up your penis   14. When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse   15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member   16. Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker   17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool   18. The right selection, is to protect your erection   19. Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil   20. A crank with armor, will never harm her   21. If you really love her, wear a cover   22. Don't make a mistake, cover your snake   23. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener   24. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket   25. No glove, no love   26. If you think she'll sigh, cover the old one eye   27. Even If she's eager, protect her beaver   28. No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax   29. Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt   30. Avoid a frown, contain your clown   31. Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam   32. Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed   33. Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink   34. The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground   35. Cloak the joker before you poke her   36. Encase that torch before you paint her porch   37. Cape your throbber before you bob her   38. After detection sheath your erection   39. Before you penetrate hide your magistrate   40. Don't surprise her plug your Geyser   41. Cover that lumber before you pump her   42. Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle   43. She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle   44. House your noodle then release your strudel   45. Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound   46. Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey   47. Cage that snake then shake and bake   48. Cover your peter it will be much neater   49. Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore   50. It's always funky to cage your monkey   51. It won't be funny with a coatless dummy   52. It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb   53. It's not much money to catch your honey   54. Don't be a fool cover your tool   55. Hood that match then scratch that thatch   56. Stitch that switch then itch her niche   57. Wrap that tool to catch the drool   58. It ain't no jibe to protect her hive   59. Contain that sputum before you use him   60. Restrain your log then plow her bog   61. Glove your pecker before you check her   62. Coat that slimmer before you prime her   63. Condomize then womanize   64. Cover old pete then grind her meat   65. Guard your peter before you meet her   66. Check your list before you tryst   67. Wrap your bate before you mate   68. Can your worm before you squirm   69. Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe   70. Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard   71. Bag the mole then do her hole   72. Cuff your carrot before you share it   73. Jail your number then call the plumber   74. Cover your vein then drive her insane   75. Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle   76. Protect your dink then fluff her mink   77. Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern   78. Hide ole harry then take her cherry   79. Wrap that spout then bore her out   80. Conceal your train don't cause her pain   81. Guard your bridge then do her ridge   82. Shroud your trout then make her shout 83. To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky   84. Desperate pricks wrap those dicks   85. Wrap your spout to catch the trout   86. Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel   87. Cover your steamer before you ream her   88. Protect that fish then dip it in the dish   89. Contain that bass for a swim in her glass   90. Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret   91. Clothe the boner before you hone her   92. Got no protection? Can't use your erection!   93. Cork your pump or you don't hump   94. No unwrapped stags get between my legs   95. Dress that erection to make a deflection   96. Contain that shanker before you spank her   97. Cap that seeder before you breed her   98. Stop the stream before you cream   99. Secure that ladder then drain your bladder   100. Protect your screw to catch that glue   101. Package your meat for a real neat treat   102. Holster your gun then shootings more fun   103. Canvas that trailer before you nail her   104. Garage the tractor then attack her   105. Net that grass hopper before you pop her   106. Sock that wanger before you bang her   107. Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser   108. Trim your hardwood then do her real good   109. Garnish your oak then give her a poke   110. Pouch your associate then go fornicate   111. Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate   112. Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates   113. Catch that goat before it bloats   114. Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen   115. Restrain your hammer then wham bam her   116. Prune that stalk then make her squawk   117. Wrap that rod then please her bod   118. Sheath that knife she ain't your wife   119. House that bottle then mash her throttle   120. Sash that hash then thrash that gash   121. Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle   122. Can your knob then throb her swab   123. Contain old Doug then clean her rug   124. Cover your limb before you swim   125. Retain your bailer then impail her   126. Rope your dope then make some soap   127. Net your salamander then make salad in her   128. Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper   129. Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds   130. Hat that chef then scramble her cleft   131. Cover your stone before you bone   132. House your hose then curl her toes   133. Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass   134. Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch   135. Shield your rocks then pond her box   136. Cover old sly then do her dry   137. Wrap your rail then fill her pail   138. Glove your chimney before you come in me   139. If you're nude, tube your dude   140. Cloak your hitter then go split her   141. Wrap your nipper before you dip her   142. Can your spam then bam that mam   143. Corral your ram then slice her ham   144. Sheath your sliver then jab her liver   145. Twist your wick then stick that prick   146. Cover old Bart then dart her tart   147. Shed old spot then do her slot   148. Drawer your pip then split her lips   149. Contain that leach then mash her peach   150. Bag your elm then take the helm   151. Constrain your gem to catch the flem   152. Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these   153. Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot   154. Survey your land then plant her stand   155. Before you drive her protect that diver   156. Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt   157. Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her   158. Cover you post then slice her roast   159. Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey   160. Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon   161. Contain that viper before you pipe her   162. Tub that sub then rub her hub   163. Wrap Mr. Clean then introduce her spleen   164. Dam your giver then fill her quiver Which condom would you use? Nike Condoms: Just do it. Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling. Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop. Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker. Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten millon strong and growing. Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a woman. Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple. Ford Condoms: The best never rest. Chevy Condoms: Like a rock. Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did? New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey... you never know. California Lotto Condoms: Who's next? Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever. KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good. Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing. Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one. Campbells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good. The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face! General Electric: We bring good things to life! AT&T condom: "Reach out and touch someone." Bounty: The quicker picker upper. Microsoft: Where do you want to go today? Energizer: It keeps going and going and going.... M&M condom: "It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!" Chevron: Use them? People do. Taco Bell: Get some; make a run for the border. Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun! The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter. Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are. United Airlines travel pack: Fly United. The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before. The John Bobbit: Riveted for her pleasure. Strong for his protection. Diet Coke Condom: Just for the fun of it! Maxwell House Coffee: Good to the last drop! McDonald's Condom: Have you had your break today? Hanes (ladies): Just my size! Wide Leg Jeans: It's wide open! The Dominos Pizza Condom: Hot! Wow! Now! Flintstone Condom: It's rockhard, but it gets the job done. Napa Auto Parts Condom: Keeps America running. Ducan Donuts Condum: It's worth the trip. Diet Coke: Just for the taste of it. 7up: It's an up thing. Exxon: Rely on the tiger. Milk: Does a body good. Nissan: Enjoy the ride. Star Trek: Beam me up. Easy-Off Kitchen Condoms: It does all the work, so you hardly have to work at all. Glade PlugIns condoms: Plug it in, plug it in. Exxon: Put a tiger in your tank ! KFC condom: Everybody needs a little . DeVry Condom: A higher degree of success. Disney condom: Remember the magic. Extra Condom: Lasts longer, and longer, and longer. Palmolive Condom: Tough on grease, not on hands. Wrigley's Condom: Pure chewing satisfaction. Volkswagon Condoms: Drivers Wanted. Downy: Come on in. Publix: Where shopping is a pleasure. Duracell: Can't top the copper top. Breyers: Taste, not technology. Sears: Come see the many sides. Glade Fresh Scents: Plug it in, Plug it in. Sprite: Obey your thirst. Pepsi: Generation Next.