Part 3: How I received Christ
              
    So, I was now an atheist...and set out to prove to myself the truth behind that claim.  Now, there are many ways that atheists argue their point...and defend their beliefs.  I read about many, but I didn’t really care what any one person said – I was completely obstinate.  I didn’t care to argue with anybody or talk to anybody, especially those that called themselves leaders of a belief system.  What do they know, anyway?  Aren’t many of them rehashing what they have been taught?  Does anybody truly understand the very belief system they are enslaved to?  Some just speak with big words and hard to understand concepts while confusing others and revealing their lack of understanding.  And then there are others, with ‘new’ ideas of their own...do they really think they have come up with something that nobody in the history of the world has come up with?  Still, I didn’t want to just say that I was atheist...I wanted to prove it.  I figured I’d start by proving that Christianity was a bunch of bunk.  I thought very briefly, but dismissed the idea of speaking to anybody about this matter.  Again, what would they know?  And to whom would I talk to that really understood...the Pope? No...forget it.  Plus, I couldn’t just attack one denomination...there are so many!  So if I talked to the leader of one denomination, it wouldn’t disprove Christianity...because there is always another denomination claiming to be right. Finally, I came to the answer – the Bible!  Of course!  I would sit down, read the Bible, and prove it wrong!  It was the common link in Christianity.  That way, I would get rid of the thought of Christianity...and then continue along that road to rid God from my mind forever.  I was never interested in reading the bible before, and use to think that I wouldn’t be able to understand it anyway.  But now, with a built up ego and pride from doing well in Chemical Engineering, I figured I could read the Bible and prove to myself that it was just one big farce.  So, I sat down for the first time, opened the Bible, and carefully read each sentence with intentions of picking out all of the garbage and contradictions within it and then throw it all away.  I was excited because I felt like this was a solution that would come quickly...only one book to read...while chemical engineering or any other major required many books and many years!

    I cleared my mind of everything I had ever heard about the Bible and God and went about it with a completely clean slate - an open, but very critical, mind.  When I say I sat down to read each sentence carefully, I really mean it.  I went about it the same way I slowly read and considered concepts in all of my Chemical Engineering books.  I scrutinized each and every word, logically and sensibly considering everything that was said, and thought about whether it was written in figurative manner or not.  Not only that, I placed myself in the shoes of each and every person within the Bible – I vividly tried to imagine each situation and each person’s point of view.  Starting in Genesis, I was overwhelmed and frustrated.  I wondered who wrote Genesis and why.  The beginning of Genesis didn’t say anything about that; instead, it spoke about things and events that occurred when nobody was even around to witness!  Only God could have written Genesis, if it were true...or someone who God revealed this to. That was obvious.  I knew that some said Moses had written it, but the Bible itself didn’t mention that in the beginning and I completely ignored that thought – clean slate, I’d think, clean slate. Nothing else was obvious about Genesis to me.  It was frustrating because I could not prove it wrong.  Suppose it was written figuratively...suppose God had revealed this to the person who wrote it...either way, I had no way to refute any of it.  None of my personal experiences related in any way to this matter of the creation of the world in order to prove it wrong within my mind.  I thought about the big bang theory, but Genesis did not contradict that theory.  Genesis could just be a means for describing such an event in a very elegant way, couldn’t it?  As I kept reading more and more questions popped up...but it all just regarded events in history.  Plus, it was not written completely concretely.  The first day passed when the concept of a day did not even exist!  So what was a day?  What is time, anyway?  And when did this person write this, in what language, and how well was it interpreted and converted to English?  In my frustrations, I would fall asleep in bed reading Genesis.  The next few days brought more of the same...frustration and falling asleep.  I would completely lose my concentration and wonder what I had read in the last few pages.  Therefore, I would start completely over or back up a few pages.  A few minutes later, I would lose concentration again and fall asleep.  After a week, my plan of reading the Bible and proving it wrong seemed like a daunting task...and this just served to anger me even more!  What a nightmare this was, I thought.  People begetting people begetting people begetting people begetting people...what was the point in all of this?  People living until they were nearly 1000 years old?!  Hmmmm...it’s not like I could refute that.  Maybe the human race did live that long way back then.  Besides, what was a year back then, anyway?  The concept we know and deem as a year didn’t even exist back then!  Then, I’d fall asleep again.  What was I going to do?  I remembered my father once mentioning that if I ever read the bible, I should read the New Testament first...but of course, I had ignored him...and everything else I had been taught or heard from anybody – I was Mr. Obstinate.  Now though, his words echoed in my mind.  I hated skipping in a book – how could that make any sense?  I decided to anyway one fateful night, because of my frustrations...and flipped over to the New Testament.  That night was by far the most incredible night of my life, thus far...

    With the same scrutinizing mind, I started reading Matthew.  I was lying in bed about to fall asleep.  I quickly frowned as I read line after line of people begetting more people...first 14...then another 14...then another 14...for a total of 42 generations.  What a nightmare...it was just like the Genesis, I thought.  Who cares about this genealogy!  I sure didn’t.  How did it apply to me, and how would such a thing be proven false?  I felt my eyelids droop as I was about to drift off to dreamland.  Next in the bible, though, was the birth of Jesus and the story leading up to the beginning of his ministry.  I was suddenly stirred from my near slumber because finally, here was the Bible talking about this Jesus character...and Jesus was the center of this whole Christian faith, right?  Therefore, I saw relief in the near future.  It also amazed me...I was about 1300 pages into a 1700 page book, and here was for the first time what seemed to be the entrance of the main character!  What kind of book was this?  I shrugged it off with a smile of relief, for now my task had become reduced to proving the falsehood of this Jesus character talked about in a 400 page book!  I honestly thought it would just be a bunch of praise God this and praise God in a loud voice and then threats to believe or be thrown into the fiery depths of Hell.  I also figured it would talk about all sorts of fantastic miracles and how Jesus was the most religious man of His times...like the king of the religious leaders!  I was on the verge of freeing myself from religion, God, Jesus and other such nonsense forever...in retrospect, what incredibly ironic thoughts these all were!

    Suddenly, I came upon the teachings of Jesus.  It wasn’t a bunch of “worship and praise God” stuff without sustenance.  It was full of sustenance, full of deep thought, full of truly awesome insight!  It spoke about real life issues, day-to-day living, and concepts that were timeless!  And it was all so concise, so simple, and yet still so all-inclusive!  Philosophy, psychology, and religion books I had investigated that had any truth were but mere distorted partial reflections of this!  And my God – it spoke directly to me!  I was completely thrown off!  How could this Bible be directed right at me?  Wasn’t this a Bible for everybody?  It was directly addressing the very issues I had!  What was going on?!!? Hairs stood on the back of my neck and my heart started beating really fast.  Some of my very personal thoughts were right there on the page!  It was a truly surreal experience.  These were private issues I had with religion and church and people...and here Jesus was speaking about them!  How could this be?!  Not only was Jesus not speaking the fluff I had expected, he was being very critical about the same things that I hated about Christianity and people, and most importantly what I hated about myself!  From my lying position, I grew restless as my heart beat faster and I felt extremely powerful emotions building up from within me!  In my excitement, I remember having to move to a position in which I was kneeling on my bed while sitting on my ankles.  I was bent over my Bible with my elbows propped up on my legs...my hands flipping page after page as the experience grew in intensity.  I began to tremble.  Literally - I was shaking!  It was too much...I had never felt anything like it.  I didn’t know why I was shaking – it was like I was scared to death, but at the same time overcome with ecstasy.  With the huge surge of energy I felt, I wanted to run or jump...or perhaps to hide...or scream out!  I had to do something!  But I couldn’t.  I was caught in headlights like a deer – completely transfixed by what I was reading.  It was as if I had been starving to death...and here was the most satisfying food in the world in front of me!  I was gorging while focused without any distraction.  As I read on, answer after answer came – not one of my issues was left untouched!  Not one!  I read completely through the testimonies of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John...each of which a different point of view of the same story...the story of Jesus Christ. All accounts were congruent – and some even answered questions I had about the others!  It all made such sense and was so perfect – there was no way a mere person could have thought this all up...the way people acted and reacted was too realistic!  Even some of the ‘heroes’ of the story...the 12 Apostles...were shown to doubt and act foolishly.  Everybody mentioned acted in a very realistic manner – a very human manner – full of self.  Well...everybody except for Jesus!  Jesus could not be tricked, never doubted, and never acted foolishly...even though brilliant mind tricks were brought to Him to catch him making a mistake, He responded to them swiftly and without hesitation.  It was as if He knew what they were thinking and knew exactly what to say or do in all cases.  He never contradicted Himself, He never hid from questions, He never fumbled or stuttered through his answers, He never corrected Himself later, and He never apologized for a single thing that He did for He had nothing to apologize about to anybody...ever.  He was always direct and blunt and open and honest, and he was loved by all...except for the religious leaders!  It was so incredibly the opposite of everything I expected!  I figured Jesus would be this glorified religious leader...the leader of the pack of the religious people of that time...like a king or ruler sitting upon his luxuriant and expensive throne – but he wasn’t!  He was the leader of the lost...the sinners...the so-called ‘bad’ people!  He went about His ministry without money or luxuries.  He had absolutely no personal motive!  He was completely selfless – not seeking anything from anybody.  He spoke as a teacher with authority and conferred only with God in prayer.  He called God ‘my father’ in front of others...distinctly not ‘our father’.  And he told people he forgave them for transgressions made with respect to other people – as if it were a transgression made against Him!  How could anybody, say myself, forgive John Doe for cheating on Jane Doe?  None of this made any sense to me unless he was telling the complete truth about who He really was!  He was so driven, so straightforward, so focused – but again, with no personal motive! His enemies were the religious leaders!  All of my preconceived notions and means for attack melted away!  The well-thought out logic I thought I had brought with me to refute the Bible...well, it was the same exact logic Jesus used to lash out at the religious leaders of that time!  My God - who was this man?!  He didn’t sit around threatening the ‘fiery depths of Hell’.  He absolutely did not use fear as a tactic!  I was and am so anti-fear that I was just waiting for Him to use fear for His purpose and claim Him a fraud, but He didn’t.  He spoke and acted completely out of love!  He did not speak of destroying enemies...and killing out of anger, rage, or vengeance.  He actually said the opposite!  He said to love your enemies!  He said to give more to the man who steals from you!  What truly awesome concepts!  He said not to pray to be seen by others...not to give to be seen by others...not to act a certain way for the benefit of others!  This was the fake hypocrisy I spoke of earlier – the same hypocrisy that was a huge motivating factor for me to become an atheist!  His actions matched His words perfectly, too.  He was not a hypocrite!  When the 12 apostles acted foolishly or when He encountered a ‘sinner’, He was so completely compassionate, forgiving, so loving.  He loved His enemy...He loved them so much that He only desired to help them.  He did not grow angry with them.  He was full of a patience that is hard to envision...full of a love that is incomprehensible.  And the story as a whole...what perfection!  It all fits too well...on so many different levels and in so many different ways.  It speaks to all people for all times, no matter what the background or history of the person. Yes – it speaks directly too all people!  It was perfect for all those Jesus interacted with, and it is perfect nearly 2000 years later as written through actual eyewitnesses of His life!  A mere man could not have even come up with the whole story or planned something spanning so many generations.  This was of God – there was no doubt in my mind and heart.  Furthermore, a mere man could not have lived as Jesus did, said the things He said, or done the things He did.  There is absolutely no fault in His teachings – you cannot find one.  Furthermore, He did absolutely no wrong.  They crucified a completely innocent man – even the Roman leader found no fault in Him at all!  The Roman leader, Pilate pleaded for Jesus’ release because this was true!  However, the Jewish leaders demanded that He be crucified!  Why, I thought...why?  It was a mob mentality...that, I clearly saw.  But still...behind that mob mentality was fuel coming from the religious leaders!  They wanted him dead simply because of what and who Jesus claimed to be!  When asked if he was the Christ, the Son of God, He very clearly stated, “Yes, it is as you say.”  (see Matthew 26:64).  Indeed, He claimed to be God!  (see John 8:58).  And with that, the religious leaders said he was worthy of death...for what they claimed was ‘blasphemy.’  

    I didn’t read the entire Bible that night.  I didn’t even read the entire New Testament.  After Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John I was done – less than 200 pages.  The next book, Acts, was not another account, but continued the history forward...but I needed no more at that moment.  I hungered no more.  My personal issues had been resolved in complete.  All of the strong emotions were still there...extreme fear, excitement, sorrow, joy, regret, love, peace, and awe.  Then, I turned to God and thought about what I had done – I was ashamed and felt horrible!  Oh dear Lord, I turned on you and tried to prove that you didn’t even exist – forgive me!  It killed me inside!  I felt like I had never listened...like I had the opportunity to learn about Jesus, but had always been obstinate and ignored it.  I felt so small and like such a horrible person.  The hypocrisy I saw in others was nothing compared to what I had done!  In all of the extreme emotion, my body broke loose...my eyes swelled up unable to contain the emotion, and I bawled.  I cried out to God telling Him how sorry I was, and that now I knew the truth. I told God that I believed and trusted in Him.  I told Him I would do anything and everything He asked.  
I reflected on all the boiling pots or jigsaw puzzles within my mind - and I then knew that all of the answers were contained within this one jigsaw puzzle concerning God.  No, I didn't 'solve' all the puzzles in my head, much less 'solve' all of the problems of the world as I was trying to do each day before.  However, all of the boiling pots or jigsaw puzzles in my mind disappeared.  In other words, I felt complete peace within my mind and heart!   You see - I was consumed with how to find happiness within each and every puzzle of my mind, thinking that the solution to each was different.  But now I had found the source of happiness in all things, and there was only one solution for all and for everybody!  Jesus was the Answer…to everything!  I knew in my heart that this was true, and there was no doubt.  I didn’t exactly understand or know how it all worked, but I knew that this was the truth.  It was the key to everlasting love, joy, and peace in life.  

In short:  I set out to prove Jesus a fraud and Christianity a hoax with future plans of proving that the belief in God or gods was pure foolishness, but after reading the New Testament I was drawn completely the other direction.  In this paradigm shift, my body felt like it turned inside out - while reading, I simultaneously felt the most powerful emotion of fear and love I ever had.  It grew in intensity as the surreal experience continued until the emotions surfaced in my body as an uncontrollable tremble!  After reading Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, I felt there was no other reasonable, logical, or sane conclusion other than that this simple, humble carpenter from Nazareth who lived nearly 2000 years ago was indeed the Son of God.  Therefore, I was irresistibly drawn to and accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, by the amazing grace of God.

Part 4:  What Christ Has Done And Is Doing In My Life